Posts in month: June, 2009

I recently came across this quote by BullsandBeavers on Twitter:

“We don’t stop hiking because we grow old; we grow old because we stop hiking”.

As I thought about this it dawned on me that there are several people in my family I have observed that follow this statement. I won’t include on this list the ones who have died young like my Dad who died of cancer just shy of his 60th birthday.

My Dad’s mom stopped “hiking” in her 60s. She lived in a motor home in Florida for several years but instead of enjoying the weather and the people she watched television. When she was in her 70s she moved to Massachusetts. She lived in an assisted living place by herself and rarely saw her neighbors. Just like in Florida she mostly just watched television. She also would just stare out of the window and as time went on she starting seeing things. She believed that there were people running across the roof of the building across the street trying to find a way to get at her. She suffered a couple of mild strokes and alzheimer’s; and she died at 77.

My mother’s mother on the other hand never intended to stop “hiking”. When she was in her 80s and living in Massachusetts she would spend one month a year in Hawaii, another month in Florida, and a third on Cape Cod. She did this every year until she was 90 when she stopped the Hawaii trips. Then two years later she fell and broke her hip. She also started losing her eyesight due to macular degeneration. This ended the Florida trips. When she was 95 she stopped going to Cape Cod. It was at this time that it became apparent that she was suffering from alzheimer’s. The “hiking” was over. She died when she was 98.

My father-in-law is in his 80s. He rarely goes outside. Like my father’s mom he just watches television. His lethargy has progressed to the point that in the afternoons he watches it from his bed. Reminds me of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where the grandparents all just lie in bed and the family waits on them hand and foot. I don’t know when he stopped “hiking”.

Even though my mother is the same age as he is she still “hikes”. I mean she goes dancing several times a week. She still mows and rakes her own lawn. She goes on several trips a year, usually cruises. And she takes care of my disabled sister. Like her mother she has no plans on slowing down; she is having too much fun.

Interestingly enough the ones that are still out enjoying life are young. Many people believe they are 15 to 20 years younger than they really are. Conversely the ones that have given up look very old.

You can see it elsewhere as well. Benjamin Franklin was 84 when he died. This was at a time when people generally didn’t live passed their 50s. Both Ronald Reagan and Gerald Ford were 93 when they died. None stopped “hiking” though Reagan struggled with Alzheimer’s the last ten years of his life.

Many folks will read this and say “it’s all in the genes”. I believe there are many factors and genes are just one of them. Wayne Dyer in his new book says that genes are just an excuse and they can be overcome. Another factor is how you treat aging. Is it just a part of life or is it a time of death? The ones that consider it the former continue to do the things that they love. They also continue to take care of themselves; they don’t give up. If it is a time to wait for death then the “hiking” stops; there is no point in enjoying anything anymore.

I like that my mom is still going strong. I want to emulate her. I don’t want to spend my time lying in bed waiting for life to end. My son is 46 years younger than I am. That means that I will at least be in my 70s when he gets married. You know what? I plan on having fun with his babies and watching them grow. And perhaps like my mother I’ll be at my grandchildren’s weddings. I’m going to be “hiking” forever. How about you?

Nervousness, shyness, social anxiety, or whatever you call this fear, people want to get over it.  Is there a drug that can stop it?  Well there are a lot of those things that can do that in the short run…at the expense of your health perhaps.  But you don’t want to stop nervousness; it is there for a reason.  It is related to our built in “fight or flight” mechanism.  It makes you aware of a potential danger and gives you an opportunity to think of a course of action.  In essence, you want to manage your nervousness.

I speak from a lot of experience here.  Up until I was about 7 years old nothing bothered me.  Being alone in a dark room was okay.  When I met people I could have easy conversations with them.  I used to see groups of kids I had never met before and I would join in their play and have a good time.

But once I hit 7 things began to change.  I remember that I noticed that a lot of kids were afraid of the dark; maybe I should be afraid.  Perhaps I was becoming afraid at that time anyway but I remember trying to will myself to fear.  Whatever the reason, I was successful.  I could never again go upstairs to my room at night or into the basement if the lights were off.

It got worse later on when I saw a movie called “The River of Blood”.  Whenever someone in the movie got into the water a bloody wave would wash across them and much like being eaten by piranha, their bones were scraped clean.  Now I couldn’t go into any room alone whether the lights were on or off.

I also lost the ability to talk to people.  I couldn’t walk up to those kids anymore and just play.  I couldn’t even go outside by myself.  And as the years progressed it got worse and worse.  I couldn’t go to the gas station or to a bank unless someone was with me.  It made it tough on my job especially since at one point I had over 30 people reporting to me.

It may seem strange to a lot of people but until I was 39 years old I needed a light on when I slept; even when I was traveling for my company.  I also found it difficult to speak in meetings.  I could handle one-on-one discussions but even they were difficult.

A couple of things changed my life.  First I went through the Sterling Men’s Weekend which is very intensive.  Once I came out of the weekend I never needed lights again.  Half the time I don’t even bother turning them on when I need to go into the basement in the middle of the night.

Oh, gas stations and banks?  Pshaw, who needs company…

I had to go a different route to be able to peak at meetings and in public.  In the mid-1970s my Dad had taken the Dale Carnegie Public Speaking course.  When he graduated he joined a group called Toastmasters.  I was amazed at the change in him.  He went from being a bookish school teacher to speaking at conferences for two and a half hours without notes.  My Mom said that if they went away on a plane trip he would disappear and she would find out later he had met everyone on the plane.

Knowing how terrified it made me to talk to people he suggested I get involved in the group.  No way!!  Just the thought of it made me break out in a cold sweat and I would shake in fear.

It took me 20 years but I finally took the Dale Carnegie course but sadly unlike my father I got nothing out of it.  This made me forget about Toastmasters altogether.  As a result I suffered for many more years in silence.  When I moved to my present home, if I was at the library at night I would hear the local toastmasters meeting.  I would shake my head and sneak by.

Then 4 years ago I read they were having an open house; so I went.  I wasn’t impressed with the guest speaker; he was jumping up and down a lot, and pretty much making a fool of himself.  But I saw something in it that could help me, so I joined.  Today, 4 years later, I have lost count of how many speeches I have made.  I am moving through the speaking levels.  I have been an officer of the club.  And I can speak in public and at meetings.

So, have I gotten rid of my nervousness, anxiety, and shyness?  No, they are still there but the important thing is they don’t rule my life anymore.  At the beginning of this post I mentioned that you want to manage your nervousness, not get rid of it.  Being anxious going into a dark room makes you aware of what is happening around you.  If you are nervous in public it makes you observe the people that are with you.

When you allow the nervousness to take over then you can either make bad choices or hide from life because your mind goes blank.  Managing these fears gives you the opportunity to think up ways to handle the things happening around you because your mind doesn’t shut off anymore.

My son Max is now 8 years old.  I have noticed him following the same pattern I did when I was his age.  My goal is to help him manage his anxiety and shyness so that he doesn’t spend the next 40 years battling them.

Harry Potter just walked into my office, his black wizard’s robe fluttering around him. He screwed up his face at me; his round small glasses sparkling in the light. His scar was emblazoned on his forehead for all to see. He couldn’t hide it under that mop of hair because he just had it shaved for the summer months.

“Daddy, who am I?”

“Ummm, Ron Weasley?” “No!!”

“Hermione?” “No Daddy, I’m Harry Potter!!”

It was his buddy that was dressed as Ron. They spent the afternoon trying to conjure up spells. I caught him once holding his hand over a broom which was lying on the ground and saying “Up, up, up”. He was doing it the same way that the real Harry would call his flying broom up into his hand.

If it’s a costume Max, who is 8, wants it. He has several Oscar-caliber performances to his credit.

The major performances started with Steve Irwin. Do you remember the Crocodile Hunter? When he was 3 Max started to dress just like him. He had to visit every zoo and animal shelter a dozen times. He had to watch every one of Irwin’s television programs. And everyone had to call him Steve. His impersonation was so good some doctors and teachers thought he believed he was really was the crocodile hunter. But we knew better; he never lost himself inside of his costume.

This went on for two years but then when Max was 5 Irwin died while swimming too close to some manta rays in the ocean. We sat Max down and told him as gently as we could. He took it very well; even shrugged his shoulders. But then it hit him. His goal had been to meet Irwin when he got older; now he realized it would never happen and he cried.

Max put his Crocodile Hunter costume away and never spoke of him again. He tried to watch Irwin’s daughter’s television program but he could never get into it.

When he was still 5 Max saw the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl” for the first time. He became Captain Jack Sparrow. He always wore the costume and a long haired wig. When he spoke he threw a lot of “arghs” and “me hearties” in for good measure. And daddy had to dress like Captain Barbossssa (note the ssss when the name was spoken).

Imagine his delight when he was invited to Barbosa’s son’s birthday party though to this day Max believes that the man was just a relative, not the real captain.

This role went on for about two years during which he discovered Prince Caspian from “The Chronicles of Narnia” series. More often than naught now he was a knight in armor or a prince in the medieval ages. He became fascinated with swords and to this day we can stumble on one hidden in some dark corner. There are a couple of castles in our area which we were visiting constantly. There are also a couple of museums that display suits of armor and accessories exclusively. Guess how many times we visited these.

More recently he has immersed himself in the service. He is Army Captain Max Corr. We spend a lot of time at the Army Navy store and he has equipped himself with the outfit, boots, real helmet, and wooden carbine rifle. He also has two sets of dog tags. This is his current preference in outer wear. He even wears it in place of his Cub Scout uniform when we go to meetings. If he had his way he would enlist tomorrow but he has set his sights on age 17 (assuming he gets parental permission to go in that early).

And of course, there is Harry Potter. Max has been watching the first movie over the last few days and today is the first time he has embraced it. We don’t know where this is going; hey, we don’t even know when he’ll take that lightning scar off of his forehead. Since I am a fan of the series (I’ve seen the first 4 movies at least 4 times each) I will be watching with interest.

There have also been several minor roles. These include cook, scientist, lion, dog, pumpkin, Darth Vader, and space captain. Each has a costume either store bought or made from odds and ends. He cannot just imagine he is a character; there has to be some physical evidence to back it up.

The nice thing about his school is that they spend every year putting together a movie. Last year they made a pirate movie. Very appropriate for him! Parents receive a “direct to home” DVD so that we can see our budding stars. They are doing one this year too but we don’t know what it is about yet. School ends next week so we should see the results then.

Will he be the next Johnny Depp? We can only hope. Is it an obsession? Perhaps, but certainly it is a benign one. He doesn’t get so lost in the character that he forgets he is Max.

In a previous post I introduced my friend Rob.  He is a recovering alcoholic who a doctor discovered had bipolar disorder and had been self medicating with alcohol and drugs for years.  He started drinking at 12 years old and is now in his mid forties.

Though his new medications for his disorder had been helping him I ended that last post saying that he was back in the hospital again.  I said I didn’t know when he was coming out but when he did I hoped that he would finally be able to accomplish his goals.

He lasted in the hospital for maybe two weeks and then checked himself out.  I didn’t know you could do that when you are going through a detox program but apparently you can.

The big question is: Why did he leave early?  I thought initially it was because he was either fed up with being in all these detox centers over the years or he had done something that caused him to be kicked out.  But it turns out that neither is the case.  Apparently he has been in contact with a woman through email that he has never met.  She was originally involved with a friend of his who had moved out west.

She and the friend had broken up and Rob decided to correspond with her.  They have spoken on the phone and swapped pictures but as yet have never met.  It has been perhaps a month now and the two of them have decided to move in together.  He bought a plane ticket and will be flying out there this Wednesday.

Since he left detox he has been living with his parents in a cramped two room apartment.  When he went into the hospital he lost the place he was living in.  Last week he and I drove down to where he was living and picked up his belongings.  We then stuffed his clothes, an air conditioner, and a bike, among other things, into his parents’ place.

During the ride I planned on talking to him about his trip.  He is throwing everything away: his schooling, his sponsor, his friends, and his family for a woman he has never met.  Before I could bring up the subject though he got very angry about some very innocuous thing and I thought he was going to become violent.  I decided not to bring up the subject.

This passed Saturday I had breakfast with his dad who has been a recovering alcoholic for 37 years.  I asked him why his son hadn’t joined us.  It seems Rob was asleep on the couch when dad left.  He shook his head; Rob is drinking again.  He said that before Rob got his bike his dad had some control over what he was doing.  I’m not sure how much control he had; his son is 47 years old after all.  The drinking became more pronounced when the bike showed up.  Now he is able to get to package stores and pick up bottles whenever he wants to.  Rob doesn’t have a driver’s license.

His dad made a sad comment, “His plane leaves on Wednesday.  I can’t wait for him to be gone.  I hope he never comes back.”

Does he mean this?  I can’t speak for him but I don’t think so.  Dad has worked hard for so many years to help his son.  He even opened his apartment up to him when Rob left the hospital.  And Dad understands the disease since he has it himself.

Rob’s sister is another story.  She is very angry with him for drinking again and doesn’t want anything more to do with him.  She cannot understand why Rob is unable to stop.  Perhaps she thinks it was easy for her dad to stop so it should be just as easy for her brother.  I don’t know but I know she has written him off.

I wish him well with his new woman and whatever he does with his alcohol.  I know I’ll miss him and my 8 year old son Max will miss him too; they are buddies.

I was talking to my therapist this morning.  I said “My family is unhappy.  My wife is unhappy.  My son is unhappy.”  In a quiet voice I followed that with, “and I’m unhappy”.  He had to get his hearing aids because he heard the first two statements but missed the third and thought maybe he just hadn’t heard it.  He got it the second time.

The three of us had a bit of trouble last night and I had been thinking about it on the trip to his office.  Why is everyone unhappy?

Before I get to that I want to mention the run in I had with a policeman this morning.  I was traveling down a main road that had breakdown lanes on each side.  I came to a point where there were trucks and backhoes working in the one on my side.  And of course there was the obligatory policeman.  He had stopped my lane of traffic so that trucks could move and men could sweep the street.  He was standing in the lane for oncoming traffic and he was signaling those cars to pass behind him in their breakdown lane.  This would seem that we would then have room to drive down a short distance on the lane he was standing in but we had to wait.

When he decided we could go he stepped into our lane and waved the cars on.  The oncoming cars were still traveling the breakdown lane so those in front of me pulled into the oncoming lane so they wouldn’t hit him.  As they passed him he began to scream, jump up and down, and point with both hands towards the lane he was standing in.

“Morons!  You are supposed to be driving in this lane!!  THIS LANE, IDIOTS!!”

After the first 3 cars passed him he jumped into the oncoming lane in front of me…good thing I was going slowly.

“Why are you following those morons??  Move over into that lane!” he said again pointing downwards with both hands.

I pulled my car into the correct lane and started to pass him.  I thanked him for directing me but that seemed to set him off more.

“You are a MORON for following THEM!!”

I responded “You’re a moron”.  Luckily my windows were closed.  When I thought about it later I wondered who the bigger moron was, us, or the person leading us.

I bring this story up because of the fact that I went from 0 to 60 in anger when this man yelled at me and called me a moron.  I certainly spent enough time worrying about him rather than about my family’s and my issues.  When I arrived at my therapist’s office I told him the story.  I brought up the question of depression again; am I depressed?  He doesn’t see it; he has told me this many times before.  I’ve also gone to doctors and they say the same thing; basically that I am sad, unhappy, and down in the dumps but I am not clinically depressed and the anger is a result of this.

I have a lot of things on my plate right now: no job, an 8 year old son with bipolar disorder, pdd/nos, and odd, and a wife with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia.  The doctors believe once I get everything straightened out my mood will shift.  This is known as nonclinical depression.

On the other hand my wife has clinical depression.  The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) describes this as feeling sad, helpless, and hopeless.  She was taking medication for it but stopped when she became pregnant with Max.  After he was born she found that she couldn’t start taking it again because she was now getting a reaction from it.  She has tried many things since but nothing has helped.

And then there is Max; with his diagnoses and living with two parents who are unhappy what is a boy to do?  He already feels very different from other kids.  He has mood swings that bother him.  He’s constantly taking medicine that he doesn’t like.  And he has two parents that are very unhappy.  Even though they try to hide their feelings it still affects him.  As a result he is very unhappy and possibly depressed.

I would say that individually we are three depressed people but I find that combining us together is more than the sum of its parts.  We work off each other and things tend to get worse.  We become 3 times 3 times 3 depressed or depressed cubed.

What can we do about this?  Well, we are all in therapy separately.  We also have a family therapist.  My wife and I are looking for marriage counseling because as she said this morning we don’t want to divorce we just want to stop being unhappy.  I continue looking for work.  She is still looking for some medication that will provide relief while not killing her. And we both are continuing to find the best help for Max

If I were to take a poll by asking the question “What is Red Dye” most people would be able to tell me that it is a food coloring. But could they tell me anything more about it? There has been controversy over Red Dye since it was introduced. A lot of doctors believe that it is a benign additive but there are parents and children who have experienced unhealthy results from it.

So what is red dye? Red dye or Red 40 as it is commonly known is an FDA (Food and Drug Administration) approved coloring that is added to a great many foods. Generally we don’t even notice that a lot of our food is artificially colored. And it is not just food; many medicines are colored as well.

How is it made? It is made from crude oil pumped out of the ground in Venezuela and Saudi Arabia.

Why is it added? It is used in the belief that it makes food and drugs more appealing. For example, people love to eat ripe red apples, strawberries, or other red fruit. Our minds are convinced that if a food or drug is red that it may be delicious and good for us too. Quite often products in their original form may not be very appetizing and Red 40 is a very cost effective way to achieve a nice color. Something that appeals to the consumer is very important.

Is it safe? When it was first approved by the FDA there were a lot of fears that it could cause tumors and cancers. In fact one scientist cited a study that showed that an animal fed Red 40 will get very sick and a combination of Red with other colors or preservatives will kill it. It was later proven that it doesn’t cause cancer but I haven’t heard of any follow up studies proving or disproving the animal issue.

But doesn’t the FDA say it is safe? It does, but it also said Viox was safe (it causes heart attacks and strokes), and Paxil was safe (it caused increased anxiety in adolescents which led to an increased risk of suicide), and many others; all of which have been taken off the market. Remember, the FDA is a much underfunded organization. It relies on the fees it charges test companies’ products. With this money it hires contractors and in many cases relies on the companies’ own testing procedures.

Does Red 40 cause problems in children? Many doctors insist that any change in behavior is not due to this dye. They point to the controversy about sugar. Many parents will attest that their children will become extremely hyperactive after ingesting a lot of it. These doctors have said there is no evidence that sugar has any adverse affect. And just as with sugar many parents see changes in their kids after eating a product containing Red 40. After experiencing the results some doctors are finally coming around.

Can red dye really affect children like this? According to Doctor Robert Needlman “roughly 1 in 100–who were clearly much more active and out of control” when eating an artificial diet including Red 40. But most of the evidence is anecdotal. There are many parents that can tell you what it can do to their children. I can tell you what it does to my son, who acts a lot like the boy in the story above. He has some of the reactions that these parents described.

What does “out of control” mean? Children can have many different reactions to Red 40 including increased temper tantrums, increased hyperactivity, aggressive behavior, uncontrollable crying and screaming, kicking, nervousness and other things that parents can attest to. Physically they may get headaches or feel sick after eating anything containing it. Adults can also feel sick or get migraines.

How can we figure out if a child has a reaction to Red 40? This is easy. Observe your child’s ordinary behavior. Does she have tantrums? Notice how violent he is. Check out any of the other “out of control” behaviors listed above. Then feed her a juice that has Red 40 in it; there are several different ones on the market. Reactions can happen within minutes. Have her usual tantrums escalated? Is he increasingly violent? Do they get sick? Needlman thinks that this kind of testing is safe. Seeing how my son reacts to it, I’m not sure I completely agree with this.

Why don’t people believe all of this? Probably because they haven’t seen any “scientific evidence” to support these problems. Most of what we read are anecdotes told by parents or people who have experienced this first hand. People’s initial reaction is to blame the parents for “poor parenting” or misreading “normal” occurrences in children. The problem is they haven’t even observed a child (or adult) reacting to Red 40. When I describe my son’s reaction to people they all tend to sneer at me until they actually see it happen to him; then they understand.

What can we do about it? Remove any products containing Red 40 from your family’s diet even if you don’t experience any problems. Isn’t it better to be safe? It is not something that you would ever miss from your diet anyway.

For further information check out:
- Effects of Red Food Dye on Children
- Watts Up With That?
- Is the Red 40 Food Dye Additive Having a Negative Impact on Your Child?
- Wired on Red Dye (Dr Needlman)
- Red40

The young boy rode into the bicycle park with his heart pounding.  He was excited and very nervous.  He looked at the ramps and he looked at the ledges.  Today he knew he was going to be able to ride his bike up to a ledge.  Previous attempts had led to him jump off it at the last minute and throw it up as best he could.

Before starting his run he went over to his parents who were sitting on a bench along the sidelines.  He pulled his unopened bottle of juice out of his pocket and handed it to them.  He turned his bike around and got ready.  Today was going to be a good day.  Then off he shot, circling around the park, over the low ramps, getting himself ready to ride up to the first ledge.  Then he went, heading straight for it.

Half way up he was off the bike and throwing it up the hill.  It didn’t make it.  With a lot of perseverance he was able to get to the top and drag his bike up.  Once there he turned it and climbed aboard.  He stared down the slope and gauged his path to take him over the low ramps in front of him.  He shot forward and down, across the park, and flew over the ramps.  At the end he stopped and looked back.  Yes, that was a good run; the initial ride up the slope was all but forgotten.

Next, he started riding through the structures.  He went around the backs of some of them and skirted the edges of the park.  On one pass as he rode he felt himself start to tip forward.  He slowed and looked down.  His front tire was flat.  He realized he must have hit some of the broken glass that was behind the high ramps.  This was disappointing; it meant that his ride was over for the day.

He slowly wheeled his bike over to his parents and showed them what happened.  He then grabbed his juice, opened it, and took a swig.  Closing the bottle he brought the bike to the center of the park and laid it down.  Was there a way to fix it without having to leave?  He couldn’t find the puncture.  As he looked he felt rage welling up inside him.  It was something he rarely felt this strongly.  He couldn’t control it.  He got up, picked up the bike and threw it as far as he could.  He ran over to it and started to jump up and down on the damaged tire.

From the sidelines his parents realized what was happening.  He had gone from calm but unhappy about his bike to a raging animal.  His mom grabbed the juice and read the label.  It read “Red Dye #40″ in it.  From their experience they knew that after getting the dye into his system he was now out of control.  She threw the bottle into the trash can which enraged the boy even more.  He ran to the barrel screaming for his juice.  He dumped the barrel and found it amidst all of the trash piled on the pavement.  He was told to pick up the trash, and he did, throwing it at his dad as he did so.

Meanwhile mom grabbed the bike and headed to the car.  This meant leaving the bike park, walking through some tennis courts, then around a playground just to get into the parking lot.  The boy followed his mom around the corner and out of sight as dad picked up the trash and headed to join them.  Halfway through the courts he heard his wife scream “Don’t hit me!”  He started to run and as he went around the corner he saw his boy punching mom over and over.  When dad ran up to them the boy turned his rage against him.

Both parents later told me about the ordeal the three were going through.  As the boy punched him, his dad turned him around and held him close. But the boy kept getting worse, to the point where dad was holding him on the ground telling him not to move until he had calmed down.  While this was going on dad kept thinking about all of the parents in the playground.  When he looked up, he saw them putting their kids in their cars because they were worried what this boy might do to them.

When he was relatively calm dad put him in the car.  His wife told me later that as they left the parking lot all she could think about were cell phones with cameras possibly taking pictures and even calling the police.  As they headed down the road, about two miles from the parking lot blue lights started flashing.  Dad told me this was the first time he had ever been pulled over.

The policeman got off of his motorcycle and walked over to the car.  “Good afternoon Sir, license and registration please”.  Dad handed them over, “What’s the problem officer?”  “You were speeding.”  “Sorry, I wasn’t watching.”  Mom piped up, “we were trying to rush home because we had a boy that was exploding.”

The policeman looked in back of the car, “how old are you?”  “I’m 8,” said the boy.  The policeman nodded, “we have had 8 year olds in our jail.”  He looked at dad, “should I arrest him?”  Dad looked at his wife and then at his son, “should I let him?”  In a small voice the boy said “no”.

“Ok”, said the policeman, “but remember, we are here to help.  If you have any other problems we’ll take care of him.”  He let them go with a warning to drive slowly and went back to his motorcycle.

As they drove off the boy asked, “how was he going to take me to jail on his motorcycle?”  Dad said, “As we were leaving I watched a cruiser in the mirror pull in behind him.  He had called for back up.”  On the way home every time the family passed a cruiser parked on the side of the road the boy wanted to know it they were waiting for him.  Mom answered that she didn’t know but it is possible that they radioed ahead to keep an eye on him just in case.”

He was very subdued the rest of the day and into the evening and there were no other incidents.

His mom says he understands what happens if he has anything with red dye.  He is usually very good about checking labels before eating or drinking anything that contains it.  It seems like once in awhile though he has a craving for a product with it and then these are the results.

Chances are you or a loved one will at one time or another spend some time in a hospital. You may go in for something physical such as an operation or even tests such as a colonoscopy. A family member may need to go into a psychiatric hospital, perhaps just to evaluate the medications they are on.

Before going into a hospital remember: there are good hospitals and there are bad hospitals. It is up to you to make sure that the one you use is the best one.

There is a difference between regular hospitals and psychiatric wards. In the former an entry date is scheduled. You have time do your homework. In most cases going to a ward is done through an emergency room. The staff calls the different hospitals looking for a bed. They then expect you to be admitted that very moment. And you are taken there by ambulance; there are generally no walk-ins.

What do you do in this case? Be proactive and learn as much about the hospital as you can.

But how do you determine which are the good ones? These tips will help you make your decision. Some of them were suggested by Ron Nickerson. As a clinician he helped set up the children’s psychiatric ward at Tufts New England Medical Center in Boston Massachusetts. It is one of the best.

Ask for help. Don’t be railroaded into making spur of the moment decisions. Talk to other people. Talk to other parents. Find out who has used the hospital and get their comments on it. Don’t do it alone. Getting help can spell the difference between a good hospital and a bad one. If you have a time limit for bed space, get on the phone immediately. Do as much homework as you can before the ambulance arrives.

Make sure your Insurance will cover the hospital stay. Most hospitals will make the call for you but do it yourself also. There are many stories of people being told that their insurance will cover them in the hospital. Later on they discover when the bills start coming in that the insurance plan didn’t cover their specific case such as psychiatric care. Make sure your insurance will pay for other things besides the hospital. There are a number of items that may not be covered that will be billed later or separately. These include doctors, emergency room, emergency room doctors, and ambulances. Don’t rely on the hospital to check this out for you or even inform you of these extra charges.

Determine if hospitalization is needed. For regular procedures a second opinion is always necessary. If these opinions conflict get a third one, especially if we are talking about a major procedure. If a psychiatric hospital has been recommended perhaps only a medication change or a reevaluation is required. These can be taken care of a lot of times on an outpatient basis. Do your homework, there may be alternatives. In the case of a need for an immediate decision, call your psychiatrist and pediatrician/primary care physician to determine if the stay is essential.

Check out the cleanliness of the hospital. Have the floors at least been swept? Is there trash in the rooms? Are the windows washed? Are the rooms and desks cluttered? If there is a refrigerator, is it kept clean? Would you live in a house that is kept this way? Assume that however the hospital or ward is kept is the same way they will treat you or your loved one.

Observe the staff’s attitude. Do they grumble and complain? Do they mope around the floors? Are they bright and cheery? Do they enjoy working with children? Are they friendly? Don’t be afraid to ask them if they like working there. Their attitudes will affect the way you and or your loved ones are treated.

Find out the procedures used to handle out of control children. Are they restrained? Are they put in a quiet room? Are they ignored? How are the children calmed down? Be sure you understand the procedures. Better yet, try and observe them.

Make sure of the visiting hours and phone call procedures and find out if they are negotiable. Regular hospitals may have visiting hours from noon to 2 pm, then 4 pm to 6 pm, and 7 pm to 9 pm. Psychiatric hospitals are generally limited to the hours of 6 pm to 8 pm. It is tough on a child if they can only see their parents for a couple of hours in the evening. The main reason given is that with parents around a lot the staff cannot observe the child’s behaviors properly. However, will they allow you to visit more often?

Does your loved one have access to phones and what are the restrictions? How often will they be allowed to call you or you call them?

Does your child interact with older or younger children, adults, and geriatrics? A 6 year old child that is placed with older children can get quite an education. Not only that but their safety might be in jeopardy. Some psychiatric hospitals have been known to allow older children to supervise younger ones. The best procedure is to have all of these groups in separate wards.

Find out what the hospital offers for parent groups. Some will bring the parents together to discuss the problems each has with their children. There may be training sessions. There might be parent/child playgroups.

Get involved. Join the available groups; learn as much as you can. You can also learn a lot about how the hospital operates.

Get to know the human rights officer, director, and staff by name and number. Call and speak to them by name. Ask them a lot of questions and be in daily contact.

Check the nurse to counselor to child ratio. A good ratio would be 3 children per counselor and 3 counselors per nurse. If there is a larger ratio, for example, 10 children per counselor it probably means that less attention will be paid to your child.

Ask a lot of questions. There are some suggested questions listed above. Come up with your own. There are probably a lot you can think of that specifically concern you or your loved one.

You will notice that a lot of these tips are specific to psychiatric hospitals and to children. You may not need to use all of them if you are entering a regular hospital. But if you make small modifications, they can. For example, if this is about you wouldn’t you like to know the nurse to patient ratio (rather than counselor to child)? Will your nurse be supporting 10 or more patients? You could be waiting a long time to get your needs met.

It is tough enough having to spend time in a hospital. In the end following these tips can make your stay or that of your loved one more pleasant.

Summer is coming. Have you been planning your vacation yet? If you have, do you plan on driving a long distance?

It has always been scary for us to drive far away. We did it once when Max was 3 years old; he is now 8. We went down to Washington D.C. My wife and I were initially nervous about it because Max is very energetic. We couldn’t imagine him sitting still for 10 hours. It would still be difficult even if we stopped frequently and stretched the trip out longer. Then a friend suggested we wait until after 6 pm before leaving. That way it would be close to his bed time and he would fall asleep soon afterwards; we wouldn’t need to worry about keeping him settled.

We decided we wouldn’t drive all night. We would stick it out for about 5 hours and then stop at a motel in New Jersey. Then we would continue on early the following morning. I also picked up a portable DVD player for Max to use to stay occupied during the trip.

The trip down from Massachusetts was a breeze. As expected Max slept until we got to New Jersey and settled into the motel. He was up very early the next morning so dad and son hiked around outside for awhile until mom was finished getting ready. Then off we went again. He was fascinated by the sights as we traveled through New Jersey, Virginia, and Maryland so it wasn’t very eventful.

On the way back we did the same thing. We left around 6 pm and drove up to New Jersey where we spent the night. This part of the trip went smoothly because Max again slept until we reached the motel. The next morning we headed back to Massachusetts.

This time we hadn’t made it through New York before the meltdowns started. We were grabbing a bite to eat at a truck stop when Max threw himself on the floor and proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs. He then took off. We literally had to tackle him to keep him from shooting in front of passing tractor trailer trucks. I think this is the first time we realized how major his meltdowns could become. After we got him back in the car the three of us suffered our way back home.

Ever since that trip we have never gone anywhere farther than an hour and a half away. We even shudder to think what it would be like renting a cottage somewhere. We keep imagining the tantrums that would likely happen. Once he gets used to the new surroundings he’d be off again!

But it has been several years now since we have had any kind of vacation. I have started thinking that perhaps this summer we can try out some weekend trips. Initially it would just be Max and me, and later maybe his mom would join us. I know that he would love to see a mountain. So many times we’ve climbed to the top of a hill and he has asked me if this was one. Sometimes I tell him that it is so tiny that a mountain couldn’t even see it. Other times, it is a pimple compared to the mountain itself. His eyes bug out every time.

I’m thinking that sometime this summer Max, my brother, and I will head to Mount Monadnock in New Hampshire. It’s not too far away. We could stay in a camp ground for the weekend and spend Saturday climbing. There are so many mountains in New Hampshire and he loves to climb. If this works out I can see a lot of trips like this.

Six Flags New England Amusement Park is out in western Massachusetts. We both have a ball being on amusement rides. We will just have to figure out where we can stay while we are out there. It is a two and a half hour trip. For a boy that loves to keep physically active it will be real tough for him to sit still for that length of time so it will be hard to do a round trip in one day. I have an old college roommate that lives just south of there in Connecticut. Staying with him might be a possibility and I love his kids…though sadly they’ve grown up with Uncle MJ being so far away.

A third option is to visit another college roommate down on Cape Cod. I haven’t seen him in several years either. We could possible stay with him and his family and perhaps get Max out on their yacht; he’s never been on anything larger than a canoe.

And then there is an idea that won’t be considered any time soon. Max wants to take a road trip to meet the singer Taylor Swift. He adores her. He would settle for going to one of her concerts somewhere but he says that if the only way to see her would be to go to her home town in Tennessee then he’ll just have to be strong. Yeah right!!

So we have some possibilities. Will it circumvent the meltdowns? I doubt it. Will he at least be able to experience new things? Absolutely!

How about you? Do you have kids like Max who has a disorder such as bipolar, adhd, or pdd/nos? Are you planning any vacations this summer?