I have heard this question a lot: How can I stop my child hitting during his tantrums?

This an interesting question.  More and more parents seem to be asking it.  And I’ve heard many answers ranging from “ignore it they’ll grow out of it” to “spank them until they learn not to hit anymore”.

There are draw backs to each of these answers:

1. If you ignore the problem and assume they will grow out of it you might want to think again.  Most often the older the child gets the more violent they will become because they learn that there are no consequences to their actions.  The end results can be drastic.  They can be taken away from the home and placed in a hospital.  One child I know was sent to one at 13 years old.  He is now 18 and is constantly begging his parents to let him come home.  Each time he gets out, the hitting starts again.  Another one ended up in prison.  A third is in his 20s now and people are betting that he will be killed for his behavior.

2. The other extreme is to spank them.  I say this is an extreme because what is spanking really teaching a child?  That hitting is okay.  And if a parent beats them, in today’s world it is known as child abuse.

I have heard people say that after following one of these options their kids grew up to be responsible adults but is this guaranteed?  Not really.

My own response is this:

1. If another child is being hit, stop it immediately by removing the child being hit.  If it is you being hit remove yourself from the situation.

2. Do not raise your voice in anger; stay calm.  If you don’t, it will aggravate the situation.  Quietly say to your child “I need you to calm down now”.  When she is calm, praise her for settling down.

3. Teach your child to use his words rather than violence.  The goal is for them to be able to say “I am angry” calmly and explain why.  Remember to praise them each time they react this way.  If you, as a parent, act this way as well when you are angry, it will help them learn more quickly.

It will take time for your child to learn this.  My son still needs several prompts to leave the room when he is angry but he will do it.

My son was a hitter.  My wife and I had tried a lot of things to stop it.  We would spank him but this escalated him even more.  We tried to ignore it but his response would be to hit harder or more often.  We would scream.  We would take away privileges.  Nothing helped.

That is, nothing until we discovered the book “Misbehavior To Great Behavior” which has ways to stop inappropriate behaviors.  Today we’ve come a long way.  My son very rarely “forgets” and hits.  Generally the worst he does is to raise his fist and threaten us but within moments it is down and he is ready for his consequence.