Posts in month: April, 2010

We’ve just gotten through Spring vacation week and Max is back in school. He did a lot this week including a weekend at Battleship Cove in Fall River Massachusetts and a day at Fort Foster in Maine.

The week ended with his first sleep over without his parents. I’m not including his hospital stays because these were too traumatic.  It started on Friday night when we were over his grandparents’ apartment. Their next door neighbor stopped in with her grandson in tow.

Chad is 9 years old, just like Max, and they hit it off immediately. They were outside on skateboards and scooters while we chatted inside. It wasn’t long before Max was asking if he could sleep over. Both Chad and his grandmother were all for it but neither wanted it to happen that night. Saturday night was their plan.

Max grumbled and growled at this for awhile but he finally agreed. We, on the other hand, were nervous about this. He had never stayed anywhere overnight without at least one of us with him (except the hospitals). Not only that, people just don’t understand how wild and explosive he can be in the morning.

Chad’s grandmother was quick to reassure us. Her son was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and adhd as a child so she understands what it is like and she knows how to deal with the situations that can arise.

She settled our minds enough so we agreed. On Saturday we dropped him off at noon because they had a big afternoon planned. They were spending time at a town yard sale at the common; visiting a chocolate shop; and stopping in at her sister-in-law’s grave. And of course, there was a lot of skateboarding and scootering (is that a word?) in between.

It was nice for my wife and me too. We had only our second date this year. We went to dinner and relaxed. Over night we did not have to worry about Max waking us up early in the morning and on Sunday we were able to go off to church on our own and enjoy ourselves.

But it was not all smooth sailing. Personally I missed him a lot! I felt lost. We had spent every waking moment together this week and now in between the times I spent with my wife I kept looking for him out of the door window.

It is true that it was only one night but I started wondering if this is what “empty nesters” feel like when their children go off to college or move out into their own places. It made me think about my boy growing up and being gone more and more often. Because of course there will come a day when he isn’t going to need his old Dad anymore.

But things did not all go well with Max either. Chad’s grandmother called us just before church to inform us that Max was starting to get wild. But as she spoke to my wife it dawned on her that she had forgotten to give him his meds.

Okay, problem solved…or so we thought. Apparently the way he acted had been a little too much for both her and her grandson. Before bed he wanted to stay outside and play while Chad just wanted to sit and watch television. In the morning he wanted to race around the apartment and get the day going.

Before the overnight we were convinced that when Chad went home his grandmother would still want Max to stay over either for afternoons or even overnights. After the morning he had we’re thinking that is not going to happen.

So much for Max’s dreams, and ours. I feel some sadness because this is kind of a step backwards for him on his road to adulthood. Even though this means that it might be a longer while before I really feel the loss of an “empty-nester” I know it is not good for him.

I can’t dwell on this though. I have to keep moving forward and get him passed all the problems he is facing now; a lot of which most kids go through when they are 3 or 4 years old.

Do you have children? If so, do they take any medications for an illness or disorder? What is your opinion on drugs?

So far I have met people in several categories:

• There are the ones that do not believe in drugs of any kind. They don’t know what it is like to have a child taking medications or who needs them. One mother actually told me once that if even the school tried to force her to put her children on meds she would home school them. She didn’t know what that entailed but she knew that her kids would never get drugs. She had heard about the “terrible” things that they could do to children like destroy their minds and make them nonfunctional.

• There are the ones that have given their children drugs and didn’t like the results. One little girl had taken Ritalin for 2 and a half years and her mom hated the results so much that she took her off them. She said that her children would never be put on drugs again.

• Other parents give their children medicine wholeheartedly. The doctors and schools have told them this would be the best thing for their kids and after a lot of experimentation the parents agree.

• Another group is the one where the parents don’t like giving their children this stuff. However, they see how their kids are without drugs so they give them with a lot of misgivings.

We fall into the latter camp. My son Max has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, and sensory issues. We have seen how he functions without medication. He is explosive. He rages. He is violent. He is miserable.

When he is taking his medication he is happy. He plays with other children. He can do his homework easily. He loves life. His mind is “destroyed” when he isn’t taking his meds.

I am not happy that he has to take them. I have always believed in looking for natural alternatives first before taking medicine of any kind. If I have an illness that is treatable with antibiotics and there is nothing else available I take them. I would much rather Max was happy and loving life without them but that is just not happening.

He is working with therapists and psychiatrists and special education teachers to help control his moods. We give him as much healthy food as he will eat. We are helping him learn how to play with other children.

Last night I was talking to a woman who gave me a glimmer of hope. She says her son had the same diagnoses as Max. She had him on all of the drugs; he was also taking Ritalin. She said he told her that he wanted to be taken off of them because his mind felt like mush. He couldn’t function and he couldn’t remember what was happening from one day to the next.

She said when he hit puberty everything changed. His symptoms started to disappear. Wildness turned into quiet. His exuberance became introspective. She decided to wean him off of all of his medicines. When she was done she found that he was functioning as well as any other child. She said she never told the school that he wasn’t taking the drugs anymore and they never noticed a difference.

This sounds all well and good but after she told me this she got a phone call. Her son had just shown up after having been missing for several months. It turns out this happens a lot. I don’t yet know what other problems he is having.

So what is your opinion on all of this? Would you give or do you give your child medicines for disorders? Why or why not?

My son Max and I had just spent a wonderful day in Maine. We headed home at 6:30 p.m. We were tired and I was hungry. Max had had a hot dog and ice cream with the boys he had been playing with.

It was a beautiful evening and there were not too many cars on the highway.

Once, we had to swerve passed the rubber from a semi truck tire that was lying on the road. Max wanted to know why it was there and I told him the truck had probably gotten a flat and the rubber just blew off. We continued to discuss it a little more as we drove.

We stopped to pay the toll in New Hampshire and continued on our way down Route 95. But almost immediately after the toll booth the car started to vibrate. I didn’t like this; I had borrowed the car for the day since mine was in the shop. I now figured our first stop would be at the mechanic’s to find out what the problem was.

Max later told me that what happened next sounded like someone was shooting at us. The right front tire blew in a cloud of smoke. I had to use every ounce of strength to keep from losing control of the car. I was slowly able to guide the car into the breakdown lane on the right hand side. As we came to a stop I looked into the rear view mirror and saw a lot of the tire in pieces flying in between the cars coming down the road.

We got out of the car to inspect the damages. As I expected, the tire was blown out. But what surprised both of us was that part of the bumper had been ripped off as well. We were looking at a hole directly into the engine.

I didn’t waste any time calling AAA to get a tow truck. As I talked to the girl on the phone she sounded horrified at what had happened especially knowing that my 9 year old son had been in the back seat. She promised to get a truck out as quickly as possible.

A few minutes later a state trooper pulled over to see if we were okay. After I informed him that a tow truck was on the way he left after promising he would check back to make sure we were able to get away.

To stay out of danger Max and I moved over to a grassy bank that ran along the highway. We sat down, Max with his legs crossed and feet on his thighs and I with mine stretched out. We waited with his head on my arm and we watched the traffic flying by. Yes, once we were stopped the number of cars seemed to get a lot heavier.

And now we waited. It wasn’t so bad. It was a beautiful evening and the sun was still shining. There was a country smell in the air and it was so relaxing sitting on the grass. Eventually however the spell was broken when the truck arrived.

The driver pulled over in front of us and we went to meet him. He looked over the damages and then asked if we had a spare. I didn’t know since we had borrowed the car that morning. We pulled open the trunk and checked. Low and behold, underneath a lot of junk was one of those new tiny “donut” tires. He told me he could change the tire or tow the car.

I was still shaken from the blow out and there was no way I wanted to drive the car again that night with Max in the car so I requested that he tow it. My son was excited; this meant that he would be sitting in the cab. Once the car was loaded up in we got.

Max was in heaven. Here we were driving down the road in a truck! And if he looked behind us he could see the car sitting on the flat bed. For 45 minutes we laughed and joked with the driver before being dropped off at my mechanics’. This certainly wasn’t the way I had planned on getting the car in but it least it was there.

Max has been calling our road trip an unexpected adventure. Yes, the “gunshots” frightened him but he was comforted knowing that Dad, the tow truck driver, and AAA were keeping him safe.

And, despite what could have happened, this was a great day. Max and I just did some father and son stuff. We ended up being away from home for almost 12 hours. Not once did either one of us have to worry about ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, ODD, or even the sensory issues.

This was our day. The car problems didn’t ruin it. Nothing did. Give me more days like this!

The young woman turned to me and said “Isn’t it nice that kids can meet other kids at a park and know within 5 minutes whether they get along. And then they can play all day together and at the end of the day leave and never see each other again…and not worry about it.”

I agreed with her but inwardly I was amazed; my son never meets other kids and plays like this. He will either just play with me or he’ll drag me by the hand to a group of kids and beg me to talk to them to see if they can play together. Today was different.

We are in the middle of vacation week. Max and I had decided to spend the day at one of our favorite spots. It is a fort dating from World War II in Kittery Maine. Called Fort Foster it consists of several old buildings, a playground, hiking trails, beach, and plenty of barbeque pits.

We followed our standard procedure. The two of us drove up to Maine and got off at Exit 2. At the Kittery rotary is a great hot dog place. We always stop for an early lunch. From there we drive up to the fort. During the summer we can park on the grounds but until then we have to leave the car at the gate and then walk a quarter of a mile.

Generally he gets hyper focused on one spot. For example, he might want to just collect shells on the shore for hours. Or he may concentrate on exploring the buildings. We have done a lot of hiking there. And sometimes he will just play in the playground.

Today, even though it was a cold April morning he already had his bathing suit on. Our first stop was the beach. He threw off his sandals and ran into the water. Next thing I knew, he was dancing on top of the waves it was so icy. He decided that it was a playground day.

When he got there he noticed 3 boys his age playing on the merry-go-round. One boy was doing the spinning while the other two sat on it and held on. Max asked me if he could join them. I shrugged my shoulders and told him it was up to them. He ran and began to help them spin.

This led to nonstop fun for the day. I followed at a distance to make sure Max didn’t have one of his explosions. In the process I met the other boys’ Mom. When she made the comment about the kids and parks I agreed but not only was I amazed that he was playing with them I was a little jealous.

This has always been our trip. We would run through the water, hike the trails, climb the buildings. Don’t get me wrong, I know that he must grow up and learn to make friends and I am glad this is working out for him. But I am still missing “our trip”.

But to get back to Max. He played with the boys until about 4 pm when we all decided to move on to Dairy Queen for hot dogs and ice cream. We then finished off the day at a school playground before heading home. He hasn’t mentioned the boys at all since. It has been a week since we were there.

And this wasn’t a fluke. The next afternoon Max and I spent 4 hours at a skateboard park where he met another skater. This also is new. He may ask older boys for skating advice but he never talks to kids his age. The two spent the whole time together; even moving on to the playground next door when they got bored. When the day was over they said good bye and moved on. I’m not sure if Max even knows his friend’s name.

That was Wednesday. Thursday we went to the skateboard park again where Max met another boy. Within minutes he decided he wasn’t interested and proceeded to play by himself.

The mom in Maine was right. Not only had Max been able to “size up” other boys he was interested in playing with but he has been able to move on without wondering whether he would ever see these kids again.

However, late Friday evening he was over his grandparents’ house when he met their friend’s grandson. Max became obsessed with playing with him. He had already had two meltdowns Saturday morning when he found the other boy wasn’t available to get together with him at different times. And he was very hyper and had to be spoken to more than once when he did finally get to play with him.

So even though he is expanding his horizons I still have to keep watch to make sure that something doesn’t happen to ruin the day. I initially wrote this post on Saturday; he was scheduled to sleep over his new friend’s house that night. I waiting with bated breath to see how it turned out.

I can see that as he learns to make new temporary and permanent friends there are going to be set backs. As a parent I am going to have to learn to go with the flow and help him adjust.

Have you seen any of the 3D movies that have been coming out lately? Because of the nature of the technology we are finding them to be a lot more expensive than regular movies. If you are like us you tend to forego the more expensive ones. But sometimes one appears that is worth the extra money.

Recently I, and several other people, received a message in our Facebook accounts about a new movie called “How To Train Your Dragon“.  I had seen previews and ads for it and it seemed like a decent animated movie but nothing that I would lose sleep over if I missed it.

The message, however, contradicted what I had been thinking. It was from a man that I trust wholeheartedly. He had taken his young son to the 3D version and he raved about it! He said it is an excellent father and son movie. He and his son had a blast!

So of course I planned to take Max. It took some time. With vacation week and other commitments it just wasn’t happening. I had hoped to get some rain during Max’s days off. We would then be able to do it but no such luck.

Anyway we finally went yesterday. It was around dinnertime so by then I was pretty hungry and I knew that Max would have to eat too. Generally when we go to the movies he wants popcorn with lots of that fake butter and blue drinks. My wife and I have found that after eating either of these things he acts out worse than usual so we don’t allow him to get them anymore.

Of course these were the first things he asked for. I said “no”. But unlike other times he didn’t fuss. I got him a hotdog and nachos with cheese. When we went to get our seats, as usual he grabbed the top two spots in the IMAX 3D theater. I wasn’t too thrilled because I not only had people in front of me but also an iron railing.

But all of this was forgotten when the lights went out and the movie started. Max and I put on our 3D glasses and got lost in it. Initially the action bothered me because it tends to rev him up. A lot of action brings out many of the symptoms of his Bipolar, Asperger’s, and ADHD. But as the movie continued I noticed he was completely engrossed and eventually so was I.

There were several things going on at once. There was all of the action which makes it a great guy film to share with your son. There was also the interaction between the macho Viking dad and his decidedly non-Viking son. It showed what could be good and bad in relationships and how to learn from mistakes.

Being wrapped up in the surround sound and the 3 dimensional action allowed us to share a lot of what was going on. Several times I reached over and squeezed Max’s arm to emphasize certain things that happened like when Dad expressed his love for his boy.

When the movie was over we shared a closeness that we don’t usually have. And yes the action did hype him up enough by the time we got home so that we didn’t think he was going to go to sleep on time but it all worked out in the end.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the movie. There is so much that I can learn from it. I look at my son and I see a lot of that boy. Both are different. Both have dads that have trouble appreciating that difference. Both want to be loved and accepted by their fathers. And often they don’t get what they need. And the dad would like them to be “normal”.

Max has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome. He cannot be forced into being a “regular” kid. But at the same time he needs the love and acceptance that any kid needs whether they are “normal” or not.

I’ve been calling him “Hiccup”, the name of the boy in the film. He likes it; hugs me every time I do it. He calls me “Hiccup” too. Hmm, I wonder if this means something.

Dads, experience this 3D movie with your sons. Moms, either push Dad to do it or do it yourself; there is a strong girl’s role in this too.

Let’s appreciate the differences our children have and let’s enjoy a movie that supports those differences.

I’ve posted a lot about my son’s addiction to buying things.  Give him a dollar and he wants to buy a jet.  If he gets 50 cents he uses it to get a fake tattoo.  If he can’t find what he wants he will still get something different rather than go some place else.

But if he cannot find anything that he likes or that he can afford his anxiety levels start to rise.  The longer it takes the more frustrated he becomes until he gets either the one thing he doesn’t like or he walks out of the store in anger.

This is where I learned to say “No”.  Whenever we go to a store all he hears is:

“No.”

“Not today.”

“Put it on your wish list.”

And it goes on and on the more things he sees that he wants to buy.  And frankly, I’ve told him that if he wants to get anything he will have to use his own money because I am not going to buy things just because he wants them.

There are exceptions to this rule.  If we go to a museum I will let him get something in the gift shop.  If we go to the golf range he can get an ice cream.  Let’s face it I do like buying things for him but I know he has to learn to not only take care of his money but he also has to learn not to buy so much.

On our recent trip to Battleship Cove I knew he would want to go to the gift shop so I made sure I had money for that stop.  Driving down all he talked about was a bedroll he wanted to get.  It had “USS Massachusetts” emblazoned on it and he expected it to be perfect to use instead of our sleeping bags.

But horror of horrors, when we got to the store they were out of bed rolls.  He had been dreaming about getting one since our last trip a year ago.  So now what?  When Max gets focused on something it is hard for him to change gears.  But luckily there were a lot of things to his liking.  He decided he wanted a t-shirt.  But not just any old shirt, he wanted the one with the skulls and cross bones all over it.

“Please Daddy, it’s only $25.00.”

Nope, not going to happen.  As I told him not only was the price over the budget but he could only get something that had to do the ships at the Cove.  Okay, he finally settled for a t-shirt with the “Lionfish” submarine stenciled on it.  Funny thing, it was an extra large; he is a small 9 year old.  The shirt won’t even fit me.

Later when we got home his mother asked him since it was so large would Daddy be wearing it.

“No Mommy, it’s too big for him!”  I take a medium, sometimes I can fit in a large.

“Then isn’t it too large for you?”

“No, of course not.  I’m going to wear it to bed.”  After he bought it he wore it the whole weekend around the ships.

I didn’t mind getting it for him even though it was so large.  He loved it and for $7.00 we couldn’t go wrong.   And since there was a little money left in the budget he was able to pick up a pair of dog tags to wear around his neck.

Very successful shopping trip!

My son Max is an “old soul”.  There are many different meanings for this term such as:

I don’t believe my son is one of these.  When people meet him, however, they get a sense he may be older than he is.  I believe this is because he thinks so himself.  He considers himself an adult trapped in a child’s body.

Because of this he believes that he should be able to converse with adults on an equal basis.  He should also be able to tell other adults, including his parents, what to do and when to do it.  This can be a cause for annoyance when he needs to be disciplined.

The one thing, however, that other people find initially cute but later can annoy them is the way that he assumes that he can automatically call them by their first names.  I first noticed it when I heard him being very personal with his Cub Scout den leader.  He wasn’t calling him “Mister ….”; it was just “Bob”.  Finding this a little disconcerting I pulled Bob aside and asked  him what he preferred.  It turns out he would rather “Mister” along with either his last or first name.  ”Mister Bob” works fine for him and he thanked me for asking.

Ever since then I will correct Max if he forgets the terms “Mr”, “Mrs”, “Ms”, or “Miss” when addressing adults.  For example, he always refers to his teacher as “Dana”.  I will respond with “Miss Dana”.  The first time I did it he told me that she was married and didn’t like “Miss”.  My answer was that he should then call her either “Mrs Dana” or “Ms Dana”.  I didn’t bother with the last name since all the teachers use their first names preceded by “Mr” or “Miss” in his school.

In a recent post I talked about a trip we made to Battleship Cove in Fall River, Massachusetts.  While there I noticed he was constantly referring to one of the dads as “Jack”.  When I mentioned it to the dad he said that Max had asked him if it was okay and he said yes, it didn’t bother him.  I smiled and shrugged; Jack didn’t know what he was in for.

For the next 12 hours Max was constantly insisting that “Jack” look at this or come over here or get him that or…  Literally every 2 minutes he was demanding something of Jack.

Shortly after our conversation I heard him calling another parent by her first name, “Barbara”.  Again, I asked her if this was okay and she told it me it was fine.  Several hours later she found me and told me it was bothering her that she had agreed to it.  No wonder, like with Jack, Barbara was hearing her first name being used constantly by this 9 year old boy.  She was finding it very disrespectful.  But she did not want to be called by her last name; “Ms Barbara” worked better for her.

Okay, from then on whenever Max called her or mentioned her name I would correct him by saying “Ms Barbara”.  At the same time Jack seemed to be ignoring him more and more when he would call him.   I started referring to him as “Mr Jack” from then on.  By the end of the trip my son was calling them both by their preferred methods.

I noticed two things as a result of this change:

When I was my son’s age there was a program on television about a young family.  After 45 years I can still “see” it in my head and I can “hear” their interactions.  One thing that struck me was that instead of calling their parents “Mom” and “Dad” they used their first names.  The first time I heard it I thought it was cool.  I tried referring to my parents by their first names but they stopped that very quickly.  They found it very disrespectful and I’ve never forgotten it.

I wasn’t doing it out of disrespect and I certainly don’t think Max is.  He has very few friends; most kids don’t know how to handle him when is showing asperger’s, bipolar, or adhd symptoms.  As a result he spends most of his time with adults: his teachers, counselors, advocate, therapist, and parents.  So not only does he have difficulty relating to other kids but he also ends up trying to treat adults as equals.

My little “old soul” is learning how to be respectful.  He is also learning how to play with other children his age.  This is because we are not only introducing him to more and more kids but his counselor is teaching him how to play with them.

Will he always be an “old soul”?  Only time will tell.

My son Max and I spent the weekend at Battleship Cove with the Cub Scouts.  As its name implies it has a number of exhibits including a battleship, submarine, and destroyer on display in the water near the ocean.  And like a lot of museums nowadays you can schedule groups to sleep overnight to get the experience of living aboard them.

This is our third year doing it but Max still gets just as excited as the first time.  When he gets excited it can be expressed in many different ways.  For example:

• He can get excited when running.  Like other children that have Asperger’s this can be manifested by flapping his arms.  I used to try to teach him to hold them close to his body and pump them the way that regular kids do it.  Since I have learned about the syndrome I have backed off doing this.  However, I have noticed he will switch back and forth between flapping and pumping his arms depending on the mood he is in.

• He can get very excited when he is wrestling with his friends.  But as his anxiety levels increase it can turn to upset.  When this happens his face gets red and he looks like he is going to cry.  Then he becomes violent.  His excitement transforms into anger and he is ready to beat the other person down.  This is when we have to step in and separate them.

• At other times when he discovers things that really interest him he really, and I mean really wants to show people what he has found.  And he will harass them until they come to look.  Interestingly enough he doesn’t care how excited they get; they can even be annoyed, but at least they have witnessed what he has found.  At the Cove no one was safe.  Every time he turned around there was something else to cause excitement and there were 600 people to badger.

Through trial and error my wife and I have figured out some of the triggers for his excitement and the results to expect.  But there is always something new.  Right now he is building a ship in the backyard with his advocate.  This is his project du jour.  And as he works he keeps thinking of something new to add to it.

First was the saw.  He came running in talking very quickly.  His words fell over each other as he tried to ask if he could use it.  Why?  After much prompting I discovered that he found a long piece of wood that he wants to make into a gang plank for the ship.  Well, it is okay with me if his advocate is willing to supervise.  Upset.  He heard a “No” when I said that.  In the end she said yes and he got the saw.

After he cut the wood he wanted the drill.  What could he possibly want the drill for?  Screws.  Um, I can’t work with just one word.  What is he going to use the screws for?  To make a long story short I never really found out but we didn’t have any.  Upset.  But he finally settled for nails so I listened to hammering for quite some time.

Next he wanted our wooden flag pole.  I can’t get a straight answer why he wants it.  This time I said “No”.  Of course there was more upset.  Finally, when all was said and done he got the pole.  It turns out he wasn’t going to cut it, hammer it, or damage it in any way.  There is a hole in the center of the table on the back deck.  It holds the umbrella we use during the summer months.  This is where he put the pole after attaching the flag to it.

One thing about Max though.  Once he has completed a project or shown other people the things that excite him he forgets about them and moves on to something else.  But unfortunately, in the meantime, we can get upset or annoyed or frustrated especially if he is handling his excitement in a new way.

Asperger’s is a whole new world for us, as it is for a lot of other people.  Every time we think we understand what is going on with Max, something else appears and we learn yet a new lesson.  It can be exhausting but it is also nice when we figure out another way to help him through his excitements and upsets.

“Beep, beep, beep, beep…”

The sound of a truck backing up startled the couple out of sleep.  It was early morning and the sun was just coming up.  What was that?  Out of the bed they flew; almost falling down the stairs as they shouted for the kids.

Why all the commotion?  It dawned on them it was the trash truck coming down their street.  They had forgotten to put out the rubbish.  The reason for the upset was that the truck comes once every two weeks.  For a house with 2 adults and 3 children that can lead to a major backup if they miss it.

Now they are rushing around the house filling garbage bags as they go.  Their daughter stands strategically holding a bag open and Mom tosses bottles and cans from across the room into it.  She picks up an empty beer bottle and flips it into the air just as the youngest boy is crossing between them.  He gets hit on the arm, “Ow!”

Everyone stops to make sure he is okay before finishing up the job and rushing out the door.  They stare in horror as the truck passes their house without slowing down.  They never made it to the curb.

But it doesn’t stop there.  The young boy goes to school after bandaging up an arm that wasn’t even scratched.  Later on in the day his parents get a frantic call from the principal to get there as soon as possible.  They each leave work and arrive only to find two policeman hovering around their son preventing them from even getting near him.

Most families don’t come across an issue where a teacher has to report an incident like this but it happens all the time.  In a lot of states teachers, social workers, doctors, dentists, or anyone else who comes in regular contact with children and who has reason to believe one has been abused must call child protective services.  In Massachusetts they are called “mandatory reporters“.

It is a good thing but in cases such as the one depicted in the television show it can have a harrowing effect on innocent parents.  My wife and I went through that when our son Max was 4; he is 9 years old now.  He had been playing all day in the back yard.  When he got into the bath that night he started to scream.  He had a massive blister on the top of his right foot.  We had never seen anything like it and didn’t know how to treat it.  We made a “quick” trip to the emergency room.

After 6 hours we were told how to take care of it but in the mean time the doctor had called child services.  He believed we had actually burned Max’s foot and the blister was the result of second degree burns.  He allowed us to take our son home but he treated us like evil people.  He also warned us that we would be visited by a case worker.

Now we are worried.  Are we going to lose our son?  We called everyone we knew for help.  On the day the caseworker arrived we were a bundle of nerves.  What will they do?  Are they going to find out something that even we don’t know about?

The woman came in and sat at our table and talked to us.  She wanted to know what shoes Max was wearing that day.  She inspected them and we determined that they weren’t quite big enough for him.  How was it we didn’t notice?  Our anxiety levels rose even more.  She suggested the blister came from the stitching in the shoe after comparing it to his foot.

She then talked to Max.  Had he ever been burned?  He said yes.  Uh oh, when was this?  We didn’t know about that.  She asked him to show her how it happened.  Instead of taking her to the kitchen stove he brought her down into the basement.  Here he had a plastic toy stove that didn’t even have knobs to twist.  This is where he got burned.  She laughed and came back upstairs.

She informed us that she was closing the case because she was able to determine that there was no abuse.  But…it would stay active for a year and if there were any other reports it would be reopened.  Needless to say that was a long year for us.

Just like us we watched the family in the TV show become very anxious as they waited for their case worker.  The questions put them on edge because she asked each of them separately and, as it turned out, they all gave different answers.  Later after she left it got worse as they waited for her report.  When it was completed they found that they had been exonerated and could finally breathe easier.

Having a system like this is great for our kids.  The problem, as my wife mentioned to the caseworker, is that the families that are being dragged in are the good ones.  The others know how to hide the abuse.  This is not entirely true.  There are over 28,237 known abused children in Massachusetts alone.

None of us wants to see our kids hurt and this is one way to combat the problem.  Even if it means causing ulcers in some of us that have always tried to do the right thing.

He showed up in my office in a black suit and a red tie, “I’m ready to go Daddy.”

“Where are we going?”

“To the wake.”

I know there are Irish wakes and funeral processions in Louisiana that both celebrate life. They can be joyous occasions.  I grew up on the former and witnessed the latter once.  But in this area they tend to be morose affairs; catching up with people you haven’t seen in years while commiserating with the bereaved family.

My boy is too hyper and joyous to participate in one of these; an Irish wake maybe.  We reminded him that basketball is on Tuesdays and he would miss it if we went to this one.  We also mentioned that he wouldn’t know anyone there.  Yes, they were family but I had only seen my uncle once in the last 25 years.  And of course it would be dull; he would have more fun playing ball.

He was very conflicted.  He did not want to miss basketball but he believed he was obligated to be with family today.  I shrugged and told him to meet me in the car but as he went out the door he stopped.

“I changed my mind.  I’m going to play, ” and he went upstairs to change.

I followed after to say good bye but I found him sitting cross legged on the bed crying; he was still very torn.  By this time the suit was off and he was wearing only his shorts.  I suggested that if he wanted to go just grab his clothes and get dressed in the car.  In the end he decided to stay home but later my wife told me he cried for some time afterwards.

He had a blast playing ball.

This morning he came to me and asked, “How are you doing Dad?”

“What do you mean?”

“Was the wake okay?”

I smiled and hugged him, “I am fine.  Thank you for asking.  Do you know I am proud of you for wanting to be there.  Your Grandmother is very proud of you too.  You weren’t obligated to be there but everyone knows how you wanted to support her.”

That satisfied him and he ran off to get ready for school.  After he was gone I got dressed and headed off to the funeral home again.  Today was limited to a short service around the casket.  When I arrived I sat in the back of the room and thought about Max, about family, and about the people in this room.

I mentioned earlier that I had only seen my late uncle once in 25 years…at another funeral.  It has probably been more than 30 since I had seen his wife and kids.  I grew up with them; we played a lot; and I had slept over their house on several occasions.

But then we lost touch.  We had grown; and grown apart.  Some of them were now grandparents, like me.  I would hear a story here and there about what was happening.  These were few and far between.

I stared out at all of the people here.  I could recognize my cousins though they were 30 years older.  But who are they?  And those younger people behind them.  Of course, those are their children but look at them; I didn’t even know they existed and they are adults!  Max would love to meet his “new” cousins but I can’t even tell him anything about them.

While I was moving through the bereavement line one cousin told me it was great to see me again, though I had to introduce myself.  And he said let’s do this again but not in 30 years.  I agreed but I added that I’d rather it wasn’t under these circumstances.

But now I’m home and Max just got back from school.  I watch him and realize that if something isn’t done I will pull back into isolation as parents of kids with disorders tend to do.  Am I doing it because I don’t want anyone to know about his issues?  I don’t think so it is more like the same cousin said, “we get so involved with raising our kids we forget about the outside world.”

And it is even more so when Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Asperger’s, or any other disorder or disability affects our kids.  We get so involved in planning, doctors, ieps and schools, structure, explosions, medications, and the list goes on.  You know what?  This is just the way it is.  But in the process extended family and friends can get lost.  It takes so much extra effort to keep them together and a lot of times we just don’t have the energy.