Posts in month: April, 2010

“My wife says ‘of course I make mistakes’ all the time but try to pin her down to just one,” he shook his head morosely.  ”According to her I make all the mistakes and it’s her job to correct them.  And she doesn’t mind doing it in front of our kids.”

“I don’t know how long our relationship is going to last,” he finished.

I was at a parents’ support meeting last week when I met this gentleman.  He was telling me about the constant battles he and his wife have in front of their kids.  It was generally about the same thing: how they are disciplining their autistic child.  She uses screaming to get her point across; he is very strict.  Neither likes how the other acts in front of the children.

My wife and I have our ups and down.  Our son Max just turned 9.  He has been diagnosed with, among other things, asperger’s, bipolar disorder, and adhd.  It can be very stressful teaching him not only right from wrong but also following the rules when he is in his own little world.  Sometimes I have to take long walks to relieve the tension.

So it made me think about divorce statistics; so I did some quick research to find out:

• We’ve all heard that the divorce rate in the United States is at 50%.

• Did you know that the rate of divorce among parents with ADHD kids is 2 to 3 times higher than that?  This is up to the age of 8 and then afterwards drops to the regular rate.

• And the rate for parents of autistic children is supposed to be 80-85%.

But why are these rates so high?  As pointed out in the articles referenced above and certainly in my observation of my son it is not the child’s fault.  He is who he is.  The problem arises when we try to raise a child with a disorder.  The stress builds up as we search for successful tools to use once we find out that the standard ones don’t work.

And because this can be so stressful the upset can increase other marital problems.  Not only that, parents can feel isolated from the community.  I know my wife and I spend a lot more time at home with Max because we worry how he will act in groups.  When you aren’t with other parents who have the same issues you don’t know how to work through the problems.  As a result it can be even more difficult to stay in the relationship.

What happens when parents divorce ordinarily?  It is very stressful for children who have difficulty coming to terms with the situation and they can also blame themselves.  But with a lot of support from family and friends they can cope.

It is more extreme for kids with disorders.  If they, like Max, need a lot of structure in their lives this can affect them adversely.  If they, like Max, dwell on situations over and over again in their minds then this can be very disrupting.  It will be very difficult to keep them on track.  As one parent said, “your child has enough chaos and adversity already, without losing one parent entirely…”

No one ever said marriage was easy; having children can make it even harder.  Parents with children that have disorders or disabilities must work even harder to keep the marriage together, not just for themselves but for their children too.

I know there are changes that I can do to help in our situation.  For my friend in the support group I would recommend that he and his wife learn as much as they can about the results of raising an affected child.  And perhaps even go to therapy to work through the issues that they are having; if not for their sake then they should do it for their children.

My son Max is a Cub Scout.  He has been one for 3 years now, moving up the ranks from Tiger to Bobcat to Wolf and now Bear.  I find this amazing.

Amazing because I never thought that he would get this far.  Yes, like other kids he dreams about going through Cub Scouts.  Then when he gets older going into Boy Scouts, Explorer Scouts, and eventually join the Army.

Initially we saw this as a great dream.  I had wanted to be a Cub Scout myself but it never happened.  I was a Boy Scout however, so I knew what he could get out of it.

Even better, I also knew that I would be going to the meetings with him and camping out with him and doing the activities with him.  Seemed like a win-win situation to me.

Ahhh, but reality can really throw some curve balls.  The year he joined was the year that his disorders began to get involved with everything he did.  I’ve posted about his problems at school and his hospital visits but I haven’t mentioned his scout meetings.  He would be wild, running, jumping, and climbing the pillars in the meeting hall.

Not only did the pack leader have to speak to me several times about his behavior we also missed quite a few meetings when he was in the hospital or was too uncontrollable to leave the house.

And then there were the campouts; he would be so excited he would still be talking at 2 a.m.  He would still be having meltdowns at 6 a.m.

Somehow through all of this he was able to collect activity and elective beads, and move from Tiger to Bobcat and on to Wolf.  For those who don’t know, Bobcat is an interim rank; Wolf is second year.  That year I worried and hovered a lot.  He was also very clingy and would sit in the back of the room with me rather than join in with the other scouts.  But at home he would tackle the electives with glee and ended up accomplishing more than his den mates.

This year he is a Bear.  It has been an exciting year for both of us.  From September to January I watched him slowly become more involved with the den and pack activities.  He is making friends and is not as clingy.  Today he will sit right up front with the rest of the boys and actually forgets that I am even there sometimes.

Even on museum overnights and campouts he will take off with his friends and I generally don’t have to worry about him.  I do though because I keep thinking he might relapse; get to wild; or even lose his temper and start hitting.

Max has been taking part in the activities this year.  He liked learning how to carve a bear out of soap.  He has been part of flag ceremonies and building models.

He has also been working on his electives and collecting arrowhead rewards.  The nice thing about these is that they are things that he does anyway so now he gets credit too.  He has built different electronic projects such as door bells and radios.

Right now he is working on his swimming belt loop and pin.  In a way this is an easy one.  He has been in the water since he was 6 months old, 8 and a half years.  We go swimming every Tuesday and Thursday too.  As a result he has basically whipped through all of the requirements and he is excited.

His only disappointment was that he wanted his snowboarding belt loop and pin this year too.  Unfortunately we had more rain than snow so he wasn’t able to complete everything he needed.  Well, there is always next year.

So I have been doing a lot of learning too.  I’ve discovered that just because Max has disorders such as asperger’s, bipolar, and adhd, none of these can or should keep him down.  He is able to learn just like every other kid.  He is able to have fun too.

And Dad doesn’t have to keep being an old mother hen hovering around him to protect him or keep him out of trouble.  He is learning how to do that himself.

It’s raining again.  I know, I know, “April showers…” and all that but we’ve been in this house for almost 9 years and never had the problems that we have had in the last month.  I suppose it was just a matter of time; for 50 years the houses in this neighborhood have flooded.  This one always got a little water in the basement but nothing really to worry about.

Then at the end of February we got rain.  It should have been snow considering where we live but what can you do?  And it wasn’t just a little rain; there was enough to fill our basement by 2 feet.  After visiting a number of stores I was finally able to find a pump to get rid of it.

We had just emptied out the basement and dried everything out.  We had also just thrown away everything that had gotten destroyed.  But then at the beginning of March we got 9 and a half inches of rain over a 2 day period.  Again the basement filled up, about 3 feet this time.  And again we were drying out and throwing things away.

And then… at the end of March more rain, and another 3 feet of water!

When is it going to end?  Not today, as I write this I’m watching the rain pouring down again.  It hasn’t gotten into the basement yet but I’m ready to do battle.

But here’s the interesting thing.  Though my wife and I have been totally stressed out over this.  And this is on top of the stress of my 8 year old’s med changes and incidents like we had sunday.  It is bringing someone happiness.

My son has been spending a lot of time in his yellow rubber boots wading through the wreckage.  He finds it enormously satisfying exploring this new world.  And he gets a thrill splashing through the rooms.

Not only that, he gives tours!

It doesn’t matter who comes into the house.  It can be his advocate or therapist.  It can be his friend’s mom.  It can also be his grandmother, our neighbor, and even the mailman.  Each has to put on my oversized yellow boots and follow him down the stairs.

The first thing he shows them is his weight room.  He has several machines that he uses on a regular basis.  In this case they get to see sprays of water from the wheel on the elliptical machine.  They also experience the waves he can generate when using the exercise bike.

From there he leads them into the furnace room.  Here in his best tour guide voice he regales them with stories of the water rising so high that it extinguished the pilot flame in the boiler.  He goes on to tell them how it kept rising and destroyed our hot water heater.

Later they get to see the storage room where boxes piled high on shelves crashed to the floor.  This happened when water soaked the bottom boxes and caused them to sag under the weight of the ones on top of them.  A lot of books got lost that time!

And any tour couldn’t be complete without showing his guest the water gushing out of the house into the sink and swirling down the drain.  He is fascinated by how fast it moves; the pump is strong enough to move 1500 gallons of water an hour.

With all of the problems Max has, his many disorders, all the pills he takes, and stress from dealing with adults it is so nice when he finds something that gives him joy.  It can be this, it can be camping with the cub scouts, or it can be just playing with a friend.  He has been very unhappy lately since he cannot do the same things that “normal” kids can do.

Just 15 minutes ago, for example, he was upset because we wouldn’t allow him to eat something with blue dye in it.  We have found that red and blue dyes affect him to the point where even his average tantrums become explosive.  They have been so bad that we have had policemen suggest that they take him to jail over night.  He is 8; we haven’t allowed this yet.

But Max is good about red; he reads labels to make sure there isn’t any in what he eats or drinks.  Blue dye is the newest and he hasn’t accepted it yet.

But as long as something like a flooded basement can lighten his mood I guess I don’t need to get as stressed out over it as I ordinarily could.

I have been writing a lot about my son Max’s medication and psychiatrist changes in the passed 3 months.    Though we have been listening to each doctor and following their recommendations we were not prepared for what has been happening.

As many parents will attest these changes are usually required because our children’s behaviors start to deteriorate and we need to find something to get them functioning better.  After 1, 2 or more adjustments the psychiatrist generally pinpoints the correct medication and/or dosage that will help for the time being.

Some changes can be easy and some can be difficult.  We went into this expecting, and seeing, more energy and some unhappiness as Max was weaned off of one medication while having his others increased.  I was reading one blog this morning that talked about adjusting the writer’s daughter’s meds yet again.  In it she says “Here’s a side effect of ADD/ADHD medications no one tells you about: the emotional toll it takes on parents. We get excited, hopeful, at the prospects of finding the exact right treatment, then feel the inevitable let-down of having to adjust a dosage yet again.”

Sunday morning Max woke up angry; everything set him off.  He had to change his clothes 4 times before church.  Usually this makes him happy, not that day.  He was angry because his allergies have been worse this year and he needed to take a shower to wash the pollen off. Nothing he wanted was in its correct place.  And the list goes on and on.  But these are things that my wife and I can handle.

The problem came when we got to church.  We were sitting in our seats when something he was expecting didn’t happen.  That is, there was no announcement early on for the kids to go to children’s church.  He loves going but because he didn’t hear anything he decided to kick his mother.  These weren’t gentle kicks; he was angry and she was getting hurt.

I leaned over and told him quietly that if he didn’t stop hurting his Mom I would drag him out of the building kicking and screaming in front of everyone.  He ignored me and continued his assault.  I stood up without a word and reached for his hand.  He lifted his legs to block me from leaving our seats so I stepped over him into the aisle.  As I held his hand he struggled so, as I promised, I picked him up and carried him out of the church.  All the way he was kicking and trying to bite me;  I didn’t say a word.

When we were outside things got pretty bad.  He threw himself out of my arms and attacked: hitting, punching, and kicking.  When he tried to run back into the church I grabbed him and headed towards the car.  All the time he kept yelling that he wanted to go back in.

This aggression hasn’t happened in a long time.  We had been working with him for months on controlling his outbursts.  He has had his child advocate and play therapist giving him tools to use to help him calm down.  As a result I was unprepared for the violence.  Where I should have been calm and assertive as I handled the situation I was angry and I think frightening to him.

By the time he climbed into the car he was crying.  I spoke to him very sternly and angrily.  By the end of the conversation, I mean, lecture he was saying he was never going back to church again because he didn’t want to face the people who had seen his outburst.  I told him I didn’t want to either because I was embarrassed but I was going back.  To his credit, Max decided he was going with me.

And you know what?  They were having children’s church that day; it was announced after we had left the building.  His mother took him over there while I marched back to my seat imagining everyone’s eyes on me.  Part of the pastor’s sermon seemed to address what happened and made things a little better for me.  He said that whenever any of the church members came to speak to him the first thing they would say is that they were doing things that were too terrible to talk about.  He went on to say that almost everyone sitting in that room had something they believed was bad…we are all alike.

After this happened Max was very good the rest of the day but in the evening he and his Mom took a walk around the block to see his friends.  Unfortunately they had to come back because no one was home.  My wife informed me that he blamed her and kicked her over and over again on the way.

I just looked at him and quietly told him to go outside.  I followed him out but then headed down the street,  “Follow me Max”.

“Where are we going?”

“It doesn’t matter; just keep walking.”

“I’m not going if I don’t know where we are going.”

“Just do as you are told,”  I said quietly.

As we walked I told him that I was not going to put up with his disrespect towards his mother anymore.  If we are outside and he does it, like at church, I will carry him kicking and screaming away from there.  If he does it at home I will just put him on the couch to sit quietly.  If he gets up or swears or tells me he won’t stay, I will just keep putting him back until he does.

I also told him I wouldn’t listen to any excuses he, or anyone else, gives me.  “My meds haven’t kicked in yet” or “it’s my disorder causing this” or “it’s so and so’s fault” or whatever won’t work.  The fact that he can come up with excuses means that he has the capability to control himself.  He must talk more to his advocate and therapist and continue to practice what they teach him.

Our walk took 20 minutes and as we returned home I looked at him, “Max, one thing you have to understand Mommy and I love you more than anything else in the world.  Because of that we cannot tolerate bad behavior.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

“Now what is the first thing you are going to do when you get into the house?”

“Apologize to Mommy.”

“And what is the second thing?”

“Treat her with respect for the rest of the night.”

And he did just that.

When he went to bed I kissed him good night and told him I wanted him to continue respecting her before he went to school in the morning…and he did.

What does this have to do with Max’s med changes?  His behavior was a direct result of them.  He had an appointment with his newest psychiatrist this morning.  After we described what was happening she nodded her head; she knew exactly what we were talking about.  At the last meeting she had prescribed Focalin XR, the time released medication.  She said that some kids experience the aggression Max has when taking it.  She changed the prescription to the regular Focalin which, even though it has to be taken more often during the day, should reduce the violence.

It would be so nice if our kids never needed a med change; just stay on one prescription.  Hey, it would be even nicer if they didn’t have to take the meds at all.  But the reality is that to keep them stable they have to keep taking their medications.  And making these changes are inevitable as their bodies change and they get older.

I can’t imagine ever getting used to this.  I can’t imagine the effect it has on my son either.

It is Friday and Max is out of school.  This coming Sunday is Easter and today is the start of Easter weekend.  There is so much to do the next 3 days I will probably be sleeping on Monday.  Why is so much planned?  It is because my 8 year old son Max needs a lot of structure.  Because of his bipolar disorder, ADHD, asperger’s, and anxiety an unstructured day is very upsetting to him and he acts out in undesirable ways.  One of the reasons he does well in school is because it is so structured; he knows what to expect.

My wife and I are not structured people; we’ve always been very laid back, taking things as they come.  We are slowly learning how to plan so that all of us will feel comfortable on the days Max is out of school.

Our weekend basically started Thursday night.  The first thing we did was to got to a friend’s house so Max could play with his sons.  The 4 of them played tag in the front yard and because there was so much rain this past week the ground was muddy; there was a lot of slipping and sliding.  By the time he got back into the car he was caked with it.  You know it was shower time when he got home.

After he went to bed I was off to the store to buy some eggs.  Max will be coloring them for Easter with his mentor on Friday.  When I got back my wife hardboiled them, dried them off, and stored them in the refrigerator for the big day.

Since it was his day off today you would think he would sleep for awhile but no…he was up at 6:30 ready to go.  But at the same time he was wild and angry.  We don’t know where this came from but everything was setting him off.  All I could hear was screaming and swearing.  My wife was getting very stressed out so I got dressed and took him out for a walk.

We were on the road for an hour and you could actually see his anger and stress levels drop.  We walked through the old common which is a mixture of grass and trees.  I find that this always calms him down.  It helped enormously that for the first time in weeks we were feeling the sun on our faces.  By the time we got back home he was visibly relaxed and calmly waited for his mentor.  Ordinarily he’d be very anxious, “When is she coming?”  “Where is she?”  Oh, whine!!!

She is now here and they are both sitting at the kitchen table coloring Max’s eggs.  It is funny listening to them; my office is right next door.  They set the eggs and coloring up.  Whoops, two are cracked.  Oh well, they are still going to dye them.  Then they forgot the vinegar for the coloring.  Now they are dipping the eggs.

Max keeps running into the office to let me know their progress.  The front of his tee shirt is wet from the water and color.  He then rockets back to his chair, bouncing on it as he dyes another egg.  And the whole time  he keeps up a running commentary about the project, what they are going to do afterwards, and about life in general.  Now he is the Easter bunny hopping up and down the hallways looking for carrots.

When he is done and we have completed a few errands we plan on moving some suitcases.  I’ve posted a few times about a friend of mine that runs a charity called Suitcases 4 Kids.  They collect donations of suitcases, backpacks, and duffel bags for foster and homeless kids.  They need to move several hundred into their self storage location.   We are expecting it to take an hour or an hour and a half to complete the job.

After that we will be seeing a movie; the Christian Film Festival is happening just down the street so we have quite a few to choose from.  That should take us to about 5 o’clock.  Hopefully we will be able to wind down by then.

We know what we plan on doing Saturday.  It always starts out the same way;  Max and I go out to breakfast with my father-in-law.  After that is a trip to Home Depot.  It is the first Saturday of the month and they always have wood working projects for the kids on these days.  Max loves building; this will keep him occupied for a half an hour.  He always wants to buy something but this isn’t going to happen unless I need something for any work at home.

After that I have some handyman work at one of my clients.  I’m going to bring Max with me so that he can make some money painting.  This will probably take about 3 hours.  He won’t last that long but her kids won’t be in school so he will be able to play with them until I am finished.

After that?  Maybe another movie.  And hopefully we have tired him out for yet another day.

Sunday we will go to church and then spend the afternoon at his aunt’s house for Easter dinner.

So there it is; this is our weekend.  It may seem quite ordinary but for us it can be difficult.  Since my wife and I are not used to planning we chafe at the schedule but we know that without it Max would be very anxious and miserable.  As a result his Mom and Dad would be miserable too.

It pays to plan ahead of time.