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For 3 years we have been seeing family therapists. The goal has always been to help my wife, Max, and me to be a family as we work through his ADHD, Asperger’s, and Bipolar issues.

It hasn’t been easy. This is not because Max has been resisting us; even though he has. And it isn’t because we haven’t been learning anything; because we have.

It is because there hasn’t been any consistency. We have gone through 5 or 6 different therapists. As each one comes in we have to start from the beginning. And they all start with what I call “the happy face” pages. That is, Mom, Dad, and Max are handed our own piece of paper. They have a number of faces drawn on them; each with a different emotion. One is happy; one is sad; one is angry; and so on.

As we go from individual to individual we must choose a face and describe what it means to us. Quite often we pick the one that we are feeling at that moment and talk about it.

The next week there will be another session similar to this. Then the following week we get another variation.

But we never see any changes!!

And Max doesn’t like to sit in these sessions. He is a doer. He doesn’t like just sitting around and talking about his feelings. It is okay if he is working on his bicycle while doing it. But he isn’t going to stare at a piece of paper and chatter on and on.

As usual our current therapist started just like all of the others: with “the happy face”. He soon discovered this wasn’t working for any of us. He changed things up to make sure Max is involved. And now he comes in with a schedule:

• We do 5 minutes of check in. That is, how is each one of us feeling today? Pick out a day since the last meeting that meant a lot to us and talk about it.

• Following that is a formal meeting which lasts about 20 minutes where we now talk about different issues. This is the time that Max hates the most and we generally cannot get him involved.

• Then we continue our conversation for 20 minutes through play. But we don’t do it by sitting on the couch. Recently we all moved out to the driveway and stood in a circle far enough away so that we could toss a ball to each of us. Before throwing it we would specify who was going to get it. That person would then say something nice about us. For example, Max has the ball and he wants to throw it to me. I would say something like “you are a great engineer.” He would then toss the ball to me and it is my turn.

• At the end it is Max time. For the last 15 minutes Max takes the therapist off to see his new project. Mom and Dad retreat back to the house.

This week something different happened. We went through the 5 minute check in and as expected Max would not get involved in the formal session. We continued on without him. The therapist brought out several sheets of paper which contained the following diagram:

As you can see it is a triangle. At the bottom right is the word “Actions”. On the bottom left is “Feelings”. At the top is the word “Beliefs”.

Our first goal was to list some of the actions that Max does that bothers us:

• Swearing

• Yelling and screaming

• Smashing

• Poking

• Inappropriate attention-getting

The words on the diagram are related. What are the feelings that Max has that are causing these actions? We came up with the following:

• Anger

• Anxiety

• Fear

• Sadness

• Insecurity

• Loneliness

Since Max isn’t here we are just guessing that these are what he is feeling. They aren’t numbered because they don’t necessarily correspond one on one with his actions. For example “sadness” does not necessarily incur “poking”.

Just like actions are caused by feelings; feelings are a result of the beliefs we have about ourselves. In this case we came up with:

• “Nobody loves me”

• “Nobody understands me”

• “I’m a horrible person”

• “I can’t do anything right”

• “I’m stupid”

These were our best guesses as to how Max feels about himself.

What I have described here is the furthest along we have ever gotten during the last 3 years of therapy. Forget about everything else I’m now seeing something we can work with in helping our family.

But this wasn’t the only surprise for this session. Max joined us once we had gotten this far. He came and sat between his Mother and me and looked at what we came up with. We showed him his actions and we told him how they were connected to his feelings. He looked through the list and pretty much agreed to what we had.

We then explained how beliefs fit into the picture and how they cause the feelings which spark the actions. We told him we didn’t really know what he believed but we had made some guesses. He read the list and nodded but then he said something else:

“I feel worthless.”

He said it very quietly.

We were stunned. We had always thought that we had done our best to build him up: “You did a great job on that project”, “Thank you for cleaning the sink. It looks very nice.”

But now we are seeing that something is being lost in translation. And the worst part is this path feeds on itself. What I mean is:

• Max feels worthless

• It makes him angry, sad, insecure, and lonely.

• So he screams, swears, and smashes things.

• People get angry with him so he feels more worthless and this continues the circle.

We’ve had a break through! Finally after 3 years! This is wonderful!

So now what do we do with this information?

But as the psychologist says to his patient, “Our time is up. We will continue this at our next session.”

So this week we should be discovering the next step.

Could this help in your family situations?

“On your way out will you buy my Dad some chewing tobacco?”

Whenever my wife asks me that it send chills down my spine.

I don’t like doing it.

I don’t want to do it.

She doesn’t understand. She thinks it is because I have to go out of my way to do it.

This isn’t the case. I do a lot for her parents. For example, I’m scheduled to take them both to the doctor next Tuesday. This is certainly out of my way but I do it because they are part of my family. It is also something they need and cannot do for themselves.

It goes deeper than that with the chewing tobacco.

My father-in-law has been chewing for over 70 years. It is a normal part of his life. It can be expensive. He goes through a bag every two days; at seven dollars apiece this can be a very expensive habit especially for someone who receives very little in social security and has no savings.

Whenever I mention the expense to my mother-in-law her response is always the same. It is his only pleasure in life so she doesn’t want to deprive him of it. As a result she lives without things that she needs just so he can be happy.

But this isn’t all of it.

You see, my Dad was a smoker. He would go through two packs a day. After 38 years of smoking he was diagnosed with throat cancer. He had to go through radiation to try to cure it. The first thing they did was embed gold nuggets into his throat as a reference point for the radiation.

The program he went through caused him to lose all of his hair and I watched him go from a strong, robust man to a frail oldster. He was 54. He took to wearing wigs and his teeth started falling out. I remember one day when he said “Watch this” and just pulled a tooth out. It came root and all. He then pushed it back in.

During this time his doctor told him for the treatment to be effective he had to stop smoking. And he tried to. He would go for days without a cigarette but the addiction kept bringing him back. In fact he would ask me to buy him some. I didn’t want to do it but I went for him. And he would always say “I have lived a long life, I don’t want to forego my pleasures.”

Sound familiar?

Fast forward 5 years. He is still smoking but it appeared that his cancer had been cured. That is, until the doctor announced that it had come back and had spread through the rest of his body. They started him on chemotherapy and I watched him deteriorate rapidly.

During that time I got sick. I’m convinced it was walking pneumonia. I coughed constantly. But like a true guy I didn’t bother to see a doctor. I had been looking for a house and I didn’t want to take the time. I remember that I finally found one and I was in the process of signing papers. My Dad went with me to the realtor’s office because he was cosigning for me. I was still coughing constantly.

Inside of a month he wasn’t functioning anymore. He was on oxygen and had to be helped with everything he did. On the last day at home he couldn’t talk and wasn’t even aware of his surrounding. My brother and I took him to the hospital where he died several days later.

He died surrounded by his family except me; I was at work. I left at noon to be with him. I rode the elevator up to his floor only to find them at the door waiting to leave. It was done.

His death certificate says he died of pneumonia.

I have never gotten over the fact that I supplied him with his cigarettes at the end and that I may have given him the pneumonia that killed him. He was my Dad and I idolized him and this is how I repaid him.

Now my wife asks me to buy her Dad chewing tobacco. True, he is in his 80s but I don’t want to be the one to contribute to his death.

But we aren’t supposed to deprive him of his “one pleasure in life”.

“Mrs Corr? This is Max’s van company. School starts tomorrow and we wanted to let you know that we will be picking him up at quarter of 8 in the morning.

“That won’t be enough time. School starts at 8:20 and it takes an hour to get there.”

“It will work. We’ve done an assessment and we know how long it will take.”

Funny, after 3 years of sending our kid to school on a van they still don’t believe we know what we are talking about. After 7:30 in the morning the traffic gets so bad that there is no way they can do it in less time. Hey, as it is when we drive down during a non-traffic time of day it will take us 40 minutes.

So on Max’s first day of school we were waiting at 7:30. He was so excited; he really missed being there.

At 7:35 it was: “Where’s the van?” “It’s on its way. It will be here in 10 minutes.”

At 7:40 it was: “Where’s the van?” “It’s on its way. It will be here in 5 minutes.”

At 7:45 it was the same thing.

At 7:50 it was the parents’ turn to ask: “Where’s the van?”

It actually showed at 8:00. Now we know that it isn’t going to get the kids to school on time that day. We talked to the driver and told her that just maybe she may want to pick them up a little earlier the next day. She agreed and informed us she still had 2 more to pick up before she headed off to school.

We got a call from the school at 9 o’clock to inform us the kids arrived safely…at 8:50; a half hour late.

True to her word though the driver showed up earlier the next day. She was out front at 7:30. We don’t know yet what time they got to school.

Max’s school started on September 1. Public schools don’t start until September 8. Traffic always becomes quite heavy after that. I can’t wait to see what time Max will be getting there then.

As my wife said the vans are required to get the kids there on time so this is their problem not ours.

But it bothers me too. I mean, as I mentioned earlier we have been doing this for 3 years. Every year we go through the same thing. A new van company gets the town contract and they have to be trained all over again by the parents.

We tell them one thing and they insist they know better than we do. They always try to do it differently. But in the end they find out we were right and they conform. Of course they don’t admit that we know what we are talking about. They call it their “learning process”.

It’s always the same. They don’t seem to understand that we parents are always thinking about our kids. And we have been doing it longer than the van companies.

I shouldn’t really complain. They are getting my son to school. Not only that, most, if not all, parents with special needs kids go through this. And it’s not just with the van companies. Every year a friend of mine ends up suing the town he lives in because they aren’t providing the services required by law to his daughter.

But really it is all a result of these different organizations trying to keep costs down while providing the best services they can. Add to that the dire straits our economy is in right now. I can really understand where they are coming from but even so it’s my kids or it’s your kid and we always want the best for them…don’t we?

So maybe the ride wasn’t that great but on the first and second day of school Max came home excited! Things are going great; he’s happy; he even has a new girlfriend.

So welcome back to school and no worries with the van company…

My mother-in-law has a hearing aid. I never thought much about them until I noticed how much trouble she has with it. So many times I will be talking to her and she’ll appear to be listening to every word. But when I am done it turns out that she hasn’t heard most of what I have said. She will nod as if she gets it but her responses don’t connect.

Is her hearing aid in? Yes, there it is. There are too many things to check: Is it on? Is the battery working? Is there too much background noise? And on it goes.

Recently I decided to research hearing aids to find the best one on the market and something that will suit my mother-in-law’s budget. I always thought that basically you just get one that your doctor prescribes for you. Maybe it fits; maybe it doesn’t, depending on the shape of your ears.

But I was wrong! There are so many different sizes and shapes. And forget about the prices! You can end up paying over $3,000.00 for one. What happens if it doesn’t work for you? My extensive research finally led me to the Acoustitone™ PRO Hearing Aid by MDHearingAid.

What to Look for When Buying a Hearing Aid

Reading the wealth of information available made me realize that there are important things to keep in mind when buying hearing aids. These are:

• Size and weight

• Sound Processing

• Power

• Testing

• Safety

If you are just looking at the price when you buy your hearing aid you will run in to trouble if you don’t keep each of these in mind. Let me explain how they affect you and how the Acoustitone™ PRO addresses them.

Size Matters!

A lot of people that buy hearing aids are concerned about the size of the device. They don’t want it to be obvious that they are wearing a hearing aid. They want something that is small enough to be hidden and yet work effectively.

The Acoustitone™ PRO fits discreetly behind the user’s right or left ear and it weighs only 4 ounces.

The Importance of Sound

Have you noticed sometimes when you are speaking to someone in a crowded room how there is so much noise in the background you have difficulty hearing what they are saying to you? It can be even more difficult for people that use hearing aids if the unwanted background noise is improperly filtered out. This makes it extremely difficult to hear important conversations.

The Acoustitone hearing aid contains an omnidirectional microphone that not only allows you to hear the noise around you but is the easiest way to get a realistic sound. It also has a 2-channel Tone control switch that reduces the background noise.

And What About Power?

Nowadays most hearing aids are powered by batteries. You have to be sure that the ones that you require are readily available because you don’t want to be looking for one when you really need it. So often my mother-in-law will not even realize her battery is dying and she will wonder why people are talking so softly to her. It always results in a scramble to find a new one.

The Acoustitone™ PRO uses size 13 batteries which can be found at most corner drug stores.

Know your test scores!

Okay, so you have found a hearing aid that sounds promising. Who designed it and what kind of quality testing has it gone through. I know, most products go through some testing before they go on the market but is it the right kind? It is not enough for hearing aids to appear to work properly they must be rigorously tested by the right kind of people.

The Acoustitone™ PRO was created by a board-certified Ear, Nose, & Throat physician in Chicago, Illinois. He knew that if left untreated hearing loss can cause depression, social isolation, anxiety, and symptoms consistent with Alzheimer’s dementia. He searched for a good quality and reasonably priced hearing aid to help his patients but found nothing. As a result the Acoustitone™ PRO was born.

It has been rigorously tested by physicians and audiologists in the hearing loss field. They have unanimously agreed that the sound quality and output is surprisingly accurate. It has also been approved by the FDA.

How About Safety?

Be sure you know all the safety information for the hearing aid you wish to buy.

The Acoustitone™ PRO is designed for adults. It is not to be worn by individuals under the age of 18.

The Food and Drug Administration has determined that your best health interest would be served by a medical evaluation performed by a licensed physician (preferably a physician who specializes in diseases of the ear) before purchasing a hearing aid.

By making a purchase, you are agreeing to the following statement: “I have been advised by MDHearingAid that the Food and Drug Administration has determined that my best health interest would be served if I had a medical evaluation by a licensed physician (preferably a physician who specializes in diseases of the ear) before purchasing a hearing aid. I do not wish a medical evaluation before purchasing a hearing aid.”

How Much Should You Expect to Pay?

The Acoustitone™ PRO hearing aid was designed to be of the highest quality, comparable to $600 models. But it sells for less than $200 on Amazon.

What Others Are Saying

This hearing aid has received rave reviews from most consumers on the internet with an average of 5 from reviewers on Amazon and the MDHearingAid company website itself.

Here are some of the comments:

• “Gave me for the first time the clear sound experience that I have been denied for quite a long time already.”

• “The Acoustitone Pros surpassed their tone and clarity by 50% at one-third the price.”

• “The loudest volume and best sound of all the aids I have used.”

• “A wonderful product. I will continue to recommend it to people we know and anyone else that asks us about it.”

• “I returned my more expensive hearing aids because these are better.”

• “This Acoustitone Hearing Aid will be a blessing for those who have limited financial resources.”

• “The product is 5 Stars and MDHearingAids is 5 Star excellent. Great customer service, easy to talk with and very courteous.”

Any complaints?

I have found very few complaints for this hearing aid on consumer sites around the internet. One consumer expressed a concern about how the hearing aid filtered background noise. The 2-channel Tone control switch was designed to help reduce the noise. Interestingly enough however other consumers were delighted that they were now hearing these noises because they had been missing for years.

Where can you buy the Acoustitone™ PRO hearing aid?

You can buy the Acoustitone PRO from Amazon. At the moment they include not only free shipping but also the option to buy a second one at a reduced price. Amazon has a great deal especially with the free shipping.

Where Can You Read More Reviews for the Acoustitone™ PRO hearing aid

Check out all of the reviews from people who actually use this product at Amazon. Click here to read more.

Ever since he has been a baby Max has been afraid of dogs. Big dogs. It is because he used to spend a lot of time at his uncle’s and aunt’s house. They owned three large German Shepherds and Golden Retrievers.

Now, they were never very frightening dogs; they were just so happy to see us when we would visit. They would come galloping at us; tails and tongues wagging; looking for attention. You can just imagine what this would do to a baby who was just starting to crawl to see these giants coming to play.

My son is nine years old now but he hasn’t gotten over his fright. If we meet one out walking he will hide behind me until the threat is gone.

On the other hand he loves horses. He can’t get enough of them. If we are at a carnival and there are pony rides we can’t keep him off them.

This year we discovered a horse camp. When we asked him if he’d like to go for two weeks he was ecstatic! He understood though it would not be all fun and games. The program requires each child to get involved in brushing and cleaning the horses; mucking out the stalls; and taking care of the saddles and bridles.

He has always wanted to live with horses so for him this wasn’t a problem.

Imagine our surprise when he, and we, discovered he is afraid of them. No, he doesn’t have a problem climbing up on top of one and riding. This he loves. The problem comes in when he stands beside them. Even ponies are taller than he is. To get close to brush and wash them is very difficult.

At this camp volunteers are assigned to each child to teach them what to do but it is the kid’s responsibility to get the work done. On the second day of camp when we picked Max up we received a complaint from the program manager. He was not doing his job. He was only standing at the side watching his volunteer do all the work.

At the end of the day the kids get to actually ride “their” horses. The manager complained that Max still expected his turn even though he hadn’t earned it. On the way home we asked him what was going on. This is when we learned about his fears.

On Wednesday, the third day, on the way to camp we suggested that he just try to do a little bit. If he could do that each day it would help him get over his fears. He promised to try.

At the end of the day I picked him up. The manager cornered me to complain yet again that Max wasn’t doing his job. Not only that she informed me that if he wasn’t going to do it then she didn’t want us to bring him back the following week. The worst part of it was she said this in front of him.

I stopped her and informed her what we had planned with Max and I asked her:

“Did he do a little bit more today?”

“Yes, he did.”

“Well that is our plan. Since he is so afraid of the horses we are trying to get him through this by getting him to do a little bit more each day.”

She seemed to like this idea and agreed to keep him a little bit longer.

On the way home Max told me that he had cleaned the bridle. I then told him a story:

“I once knew a nine year old boy that grew up on a farm. Like you he was afraid of horses. One of his jobs was to go inside stalls and clean them out every day. He didn’t have a problem with this except when the horses were still in them. This always made him nervous.

One day he decided he didn’t want to be afraid so he pushed himself to do a little bit more than the day before. Then each day he did more and more until one day he discovered he wasn’t afraid of them anymore.

But this required that he decide that he didn’t want to be afraid.”

Max liked the story, “Who was the little boy?”

“It was me.”

His eyes got big and round, “Really?”

This was when he resolved that he could do it too.

My wife and I had great hopes when we dropped him off on Thursday but the fates weren’t going to be kind that day. We dropped him off and discussed the plan with the program manager. She claimed to understand his fears and told us that she would design Max’s training so that he would do ten percent of the work and his volunteer would do the rest.

When we picked him up we were informed that he had done absolutely nothing that day. As a result they didn’t allow him to ride the horses.

We asked Max what it was all about; especially since he had had big plans to start working and get over his fears. He gave us a list of complaints:

• His volunteer ignores him.

• She refuses to help him when he is confused on how to do something.

• On Wednesday she apparently tried to force him to ride standing up in the saddle with his arms outstretched. When he expressed his fear of doing that she tried to drag him to the horse.

• She informed him on Thursday that he would be required to clean the horse’s hooves. This entails standing beside and against the horse while facing its tail. You then bend over, pick up the hoof, and use a pick to dig out dirt and muck from around the shoes. When he told her he was afraid to do it because the horse might kick him, her answer was “too bad you are doing it”.

When we complained the head of the program told us, “Max is lazy and really doesn’t want to be here.”

“Um, not after the way he has been treated by your volunteer. Work has never bothered him. He loves horses and loves to ride them. It was his choice to come here. It was also his choice to keep coming back.”

Of course, the volunteer denied that any of his complaints were true. Because she was the “adult” the farm decided Max was lying. Funny thing is he hasn’t really learned how to lie yet. Any attempts he has made in the past never worked out for him so no matter what the situation he tells the truth.

Certainly he is a child and everyone’s actions may have seemed much worse to him than to the adults around him. So perhaps they were both right. But at the same time I got the strong feeling that both the volunteer and the program manager did not like him. They didn’t have any problems expressing their dislike either.

The results left him in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Nothing went right for him. And in the end, after the upset he refused to go back on Friday. We called the farm and told them Max had decided not to go back at all and they were welcome to find another child to fill his position.

Funny thing is the next Monday morning we received a call from them, “Where’s Max?”

“He’s not coming.”

“Is he going to be here the rest of the week?”

“This was discussed last Friday.”

“I know all about the discussion but if he is not coming back we have to fill his slot.”

“Hmm, since you know all about it then you already know he isn’t going to be there this week.”

I’m not really trying to point fingers. I just want to express some of the difficulties Max had last week. We will be looking for another horse farm that might be able to help him through his fears.

Catchy title huh? Why would anyone want to reinforce negative behaviors? Certainly not parents! We don’t want to raise our kids to be adults who have tantrums or scream or steal or any number of other bad things.

When I was writing my post on Modeling Behaviors I had been reading a lot of information on that topic. I came across something today about how parents knowingly or unknowingly reinforce behaviors in our kids that are inappropriate.

How do we do that?

You can probably guess one that a lot of people do. Their kid has been acting badly all day and they are exhausted. The kid now asks for something he really want and the parents refuse. But the child keeps asking. Constantly. Over and over again. Now he is having a tantrum.

To stop all of the noise the parents give in. The child has learned a huge lesson: to get what he wants he only needs to have a meltdown.

I don’t know how many times my wife and I used to see these actions as being part of his adhd or his bipolar disorder or his asperger’s syndrome and just let things go. We would end up giving him what he wanted. But this only made him happy for a few minutes before he would find something else he wanted and the cycle would start all over again.

And you know, I can’t say that he was even happy for that short amount of time. It always seems that he is not happy unless he is unhappy…however that works.

But there is more to it than just that. What happens when a child misbehaves? She gets her parents’ attention! Every time we lose our temper, yell, or lecture she has won!

Yes she has.

It happens so often in my family. Max will begin doing inappropriate things and will be oblivious to our reactions until we scream. Then it is “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” and he has the expectation that everything will be fine.

It doesn’t matter if the attention is good or bad it is now focused on him. He has learned how to “push his parents’ buttons”. What is going to happen when he grows up? He will probably continue to use these methods to either get his way or get the attention he craves.

We all, as parents, have to decide whether we want our children to learn good techniques to use when they grow up or continue to use inappropriate ways to interact with other people.

If we decide that we want these kids to be good and moral adults then we have to “practice what we preach”. That is, stop the swearing, the yelling, and the tantrums. Not only do our children see it is okay to do these things because their parents do it but they also get all the attention they want.

Oh, and about that attention. Why are we giving them all of this when they are doing bad things? They know what they are doing is wrong; we don’t need to spend 15 minutes or more explaining it. Tell them what you expect of them and then go away.

This serves a two-fold purpose:

• It lets the kids know that they must stop what they are doing.

• It doesn’t give them all of the attention they are looking for.

If they need attention give it to them for better reasons. Recognize them for a job well done.

“Great job taking out the trash.”

“I love how you straightened up your toy room. What do you say we play a game now?”

“Hey, you kids are playing really well together. Let’s go for an ice cream.”

There are a lot of ways we can give them good attention. You probably give them some already but do you find that they receive more bad attention then good? Turn it around.

And I’ll bet you that the more good attention they receive there will be less need for the bad. They will find that they are much happier without all of the yelling, swearing, and tantrums.

What do you think?

It is now the middle of the summer. What would it be for a nine year old boy if he didn’t have his first job? Max was approached by our next door neighbors to see if he would be willing to water their plants and vegetable garden while they were away.

His answer? “Well, duh!”

Not really, he said he was interested.

“How much would you like to be paid?”

“Ummm, $2.00″

“Okay, we were thinking of paying you $2.00 per day. That would be $20.00. Would that work?”

“Yes, Yes!” And the deal was set.

The job was not a surprise to me. They had come over originally and asked me if it would be okay to hire him. I thought it was a great plan. It is time that he started learning about working and paying jobs.

Just before they left they dropped off a map of their yard and a schedule. Hmm, more complicated than I thought. But really, the first part was simple: use the sprinkler on one section of their lawn every other day. That’s easy enough.

On the other days the vegetable garden gets soaked three times; each flower bed in the front, back, and side yards get watered twice and the 3 potted plants get simple sprays.

Max was excited; he was now going to be earning money for doing work in the neighborhood. He is already planning to open a landscaping company…when he is ten years old. The new company will water plants and trim lawn edges.

The first day was easy; all he had to do was set up the sprinkler on one section of lawn and let it run for twenty minutes. Instead of going off to play he stayed and danced through the water. You can bet Mom made a rule that from now on he had to wear a bathing suit when doing this job.

The next day was not very difficult but it was very boring to a nine year old boy. He had to soak seven separate gardens in the yard by hand. When completed he had to do it all over again a second time. The vegetable garden actually got three separate soakings. But he managed very well.

Day three was the sprinkler again so this went well. It was the following day when things really fell apart. This was soaking day again. He started out okay but it was late in the day and he was losing control.

It started with distraction. He became absorbed with changing the settings on the hose nozzle over and over again. He started with “mist” which was a very light spray and moved up through each until he got to “jet” which just pounded water out of the hose. This would have been okay if he hadn’t been pointing directly it at the vegetables at the time. Deep ruts started appearing in the ground and leaves were crushed.

I now had to guide him over to the plants but he couldn’t keep his mind on the job. He kept flipping the water over his head and at his mother. It all culminated in him dropping the hose and scrambling up the lone tree on the front lawn in the dark. While his Mom finished the watering I spent my time talking Max down and leading him around the yard in an attempt to settle him down.

Every once in awhile he would remember that he had a job to do. He would run over to Mom and wrest the hose from her hand and continue watering. But this wouldn’t last very long before he would be off in his head again.

On the plus side, by the time the day’s job was done he had calmed down and was ready to go on into bed.

These people have two driveways, one on the front of the house, and the other on the side. Two days later at Max’s watering time we discovered the front drive being paved. This meant that there would be no watering that day. And he had just done the back the night before so this was out.

The next night he was able to start over again but had to adjust the schedule to make sure the garden and plants got enough water. Then the side drive was completed and more planning had to be done. The paver knew that he was cutting into my son’s schedule and therefore was losing money. He hired Max to do a little paving with him. He paid him $2.00 per driveway covering any lost wages.

For the rest of the days Max watered everything and did his best to get on schedule. My neighbors arrived back last night so he hasn’t had time yet to settle up with them.

Except for the one day when his ADHD and Bipolar kicked in Max did an excellent job. But I think it also gave him a chance to start learning what it will be like in the real world when he gets older and needs to earn money.

Have you ever heard the phrase “The Honeymoon Period”?

A honeymoon is a trip or holiday that is taken by a couple that has just gotten married. The honeymoon period is the early harmonious time in their relationship.

The phrase can also be applied to other situations such as the first few months of a newly elected president. People generally give their new officials a lot of freedom in that period; then assess their performances at the end of that time. Then, as is often the case, discord results as it becomes apparent that their leaders cannot live up to expectations.

But it can also refer to changes in family life. Recently I have written several posts about the new House Rules we have been implementing in our home. My son Max was not thrilled initially with them; especially when they were posted on our living room wall.

But then he conformed to them. They went up on Monday. He was great Monday and all of Tuesday. Some of the rules required the loss of some of his allowance for infractions. He was okay with that. In fact if he thought we were too lenient he would take more money out himself.

But then Wednesday morning the “you know what” hit the fan. He woke up angry and attacked anyone and anything in his path. Before the school van arrived at 7:15 a.m. he had lost his whole allowance for this week from all of the hitting, swearing, screaming, and throwing things. The only thing that finally settled him down was the required time out. Because of all the problems it lasted twenty minutes. He also lost his current most favorite toy for the day.

Not only was that unexpected for him but the bigger shock was when next week’s allowance chart was posted and he started losing money from that as well. He has informed us that he will not follow the rules anymore. He blames them for the increased number of tantrums he has been having. And you know, he is probably right. He doesn’t like the idea of losing his freedom no matter how unhappy it makes him.

The “honeymoon period” is over. Monday and Tuesday he was testing the waters. On Wednesday was the beginning of the resistance. According to our counselors if we stick to it these problems should all be over in a week. I hesitate to mention it but it takes three to four weeks to break habits, no matter how bad they are.

At the same time we have to remember that Max has been diagnosed with:

• Bipolar Disorder – with the accompanying rages and explosive temper tantrums, and oppositional and aggressive behaviors.

• ADHD – including interruptions and intrusions on others; and not appearing to listen.

These issues may make it harder in the near term to enforce the rules.

So Wednesday was day one of the resistance. He battled us constantly. My wife and I were strong and consistently enforced the consequences.

By Friday morning Max had started to conform again; he has only lost twenty cents since Wednesday night. But he was unhappy. He has finally realized he is really losing money from his allowance. He has been telling us that it is too hard to follow the rules. We asked him why:

• Swearing is too much of a habit; he doesn’t know how to stop. We responded that he never swears in school. Not only that he has already been doing it less at home since we instituted the rules.

• He doesn’t understand the yelling and whining rule. I assume it is based on the fact that his parents still do it a little bit and he sees that.

• There are other rules he doesn’t get. These are obvious ones like disobeying and threatening. We think these are really delaying tactics. They are pretty straight forward.

Even though he has the disorders which may make the rules harder to enforce; just the fact that he is a child who hasn’t had a consistent set of rules will cause him to fight back.

At the same time, this is only the start. The rules were only defined on Monday; this is only Friday. He will learn them and he will eventually conform to them.

As long as we stay consistent.

In my first post on house rules I mentioned five problems my son Max has that we have to resolve:

• He isn’t clear on the rules.

• He isn’t clear on the consequences.

• In school he has a defined set of rules and consequences but at home there is nothing.

• His parents are not always together on what his consequences should be.

• His parents haven’t been modeling the required behaviors.

In the following post on house rules I addressed the first four issues. But what about issue number five?

What does it mean to “model behavior”?

First of all, children imitate the adults around them. This is an excellent way of learning. A child wants to know how to open a door. She cannot figure out how to do it herself so she watches those that can do it. She takes note of how they grasp the knob; turn it; then pull it open. With a little practice she will be able to do it herself.

It is the same thing with bad habits. If a child notices that his parents are constantly swearing they will do it as well. It doesn’t matter that he has been told that swearing is wrong he has seen it in action so he will continue to do it. Not only that he might become very confused. He will wonder why his parents are telling him that it is bad to swear; it must really be okay because they are doing it.

We set up several rules for Max including:

• No swearing

• No hitting or kicking

• No yelling, whining, or screaming

• No disobeying parents

• Ask politely for things

It is our job to model the behaviors we want our son to use. This means when we are angry we have to talk calmly and assertively. If we want Max to do something we must respect him by asking him politely. If he disobeys we don’t hit or kick him.

How are we doing? Swearing is kept to a minimum; every once in a while you will hear an expletive in the house. We yell if things aren’t working properly and sometimes we are rude in asking for things.

Max listens and hears all of this. And because he is learning from us he is repeating them, and he practices these actions. But as you can see from our house rules these aren’t the behaviors we want. For him it’s “you are doing it, why can’t I?”

It is our job to show him the best behaviors; we can’t just tell him. That means we have to stop the yelling, swearing, and rudeness. We have to be good role models.

We want Max to grow to become a good, responsible adult. It is our responsibility, just like with all parents, to “up our game”. That is, be the best role models we can be. No matter where we are at today we can always find something to improve upon.

If we don’t suit our actions to our words then our children will not become the kind of adults we want them to be.

Recently I wrote about raising my 9 year old son Max and the fact that there were no consistent rules in our house. My wife and I had been at our wits end trying to figure out how we were going to raise this kid right.

We read a lot of books and listened to parents, educators, and counselors. We tried implementing all of the suggestions but nothing seemed to work.

Recently we started working with both a family and a parent counselor. The first comes a couple of times a month, generally on Saturdays, so that Max will be involved in the session. The second comes every week in the morning to work with just my wife and me.

Several weeks ago they both asked us the same questions independently:

What are our house rules?

So we rattled off several things: no hitting, no swearing, and no yelling, among other things.

What are the consequences if the rules are broken?

We gave some answers like “he gets a time out if he does A” but then sometimes “we take a toy away” and “we have been known to take away a privilege or a special outing.”

Where are the rules and consequences posted?

Umm, nowhere.

Does Max know the rules and consequences?

He knows the rules; we tell him all the time. And, well, he has experienced the consequences so he knows something will happen if he does anything wrong.

Both counselors shook their heads. They suggested it might be best if we had a joint session with both counselors to come up with some rules. We agreed.

Hooray, finally we are going to find out what we can do about House Rules!

We all joined together last week and hammered out a list of rules. These are some of them:

• No swearing

• No hitting or kicking

• No yelling, whining, or screaming

• No disobeying parents

• Ask politely for things

You get the idea. We have several more but these will do for examples.

We didn’t come up with consequences on that day but one thing was suggested. We had recently started giving Max an allowance. With it he could follow his passion with buying as many things as he could or put it in the bank. But that’s another story. In this case the idea was brought up that for some of the consequences he could lose some of his money. That was something to think about because our consequences weren’t working.

We scheduled a second group meeting for this passed Monday. This time it was going to be after school so Max could contribute to the discussion.

When the day came both counselors arrived and sat down in the living room. Max was dropped off from school, came in the house, and asked the usual question: “Who’s coming today.”

When we told him he was disappointed. We were surprised because he likes both people and generally has fun with them. On this day, we think that with both parents and both counselors present he may have felt intimidated. He adamantly refused to join in the meeting.

“But Max, this is about setting house rules. Last week you were excited when we told you this was happening.”

“Yeah, well, not today.”

We told him that we were going to do it anyway with or without his contributions. He shrugged and told us that we had better make tougher rules for the parents otherwise he won’t follow any of his.

So we got down to business. We pulled out a large cardboard sheet and in one column wrote out our list of rules. While we were doing this we could hear Max muttering and swearing in the other room; he wanted one of us to play. He even went so far as to disrupt the discussions several times.

The counselors just shrugged and smiled. Their response was that he didn’t like what we were doing and didn’t want it to happen. We persevered. Once we were done listing the rules we started on the consequences for each:

• Loses five cents for each swear.

• Five minute time out and a loss of privileges for hitting and kicking.

• For yelling, whining, or screaming Max will first get a warning. Then he will lose five cents each time he does it.

• The first time he disobeys he will get a warning. After that he will lose twenty-five cent for each incident.

• If he doesn’t ask politely he won’t get what he asked for.

When we were done we called Max in to see our results. He started to read the board and then complained it was all about him and there was nothing about the parents. We reassured him that we would have to follow the same rules.

But he wasn’t happy and he tried to tear the sheet down the middle. We stopped him and taped it up on the living room wall so that we would all be able to see it.

At the same time we attached a weekly sheet of pictures of one hundred nickels. For each transgression nickels would be crossed off. Whatever was left at the end of the week would be what he gets for allowance.

Max asked a very smart question: “What if I do so many bad things that I go over the amount of money I get?”

We told him that it would then carry over into the following week.

The counselors think that it will only take a week before Max starts following the rules. That would be nice and we will be waiting with bated breath.

Twenty four hours later we have only heard two swears coming out of his mouth. Amazing! There has been very little screaming or whining. Awesome!

So far we have only crossed out a half a dozen nickels but we have noticed that he has been punishing himself too. He personally has scratched out another forty. He says it is because he deserved it. Seems like he doesn’t think our consequences were powerful enough.

Another interesting reaction was that when he realized each swear was worth five cents but disobeying would cost him twenty-five cents. His eyes widened; his mouth opened in a circle; and he clapped his hand over it.

Do I think this is it? Is he now going to follow all the rules?

I find it hard to believe that it would happen this quickly. I think that he will probably start testing us to see what he can get away with. It may get worse before it gets better. As long as my wife and I keep a united front it should eventually work.

As the counselors were leaving after the meeting my wife said “If we had realized it was so easy to set up these rules we would have done this a long time ago.”

But they told us that most parents know how to do it but they don’t realize it; they, and we, need to be shown the first time.

This takes care of four of Max’s five problems mentioned in the last post. I’ll talk about the fifth one, modeling behaviors for him, in my next one.