Posts for category ‘Child Abuse’

Do you ever wonder if you are raising your kids correctly?

A lot of parents don’t…

I was one of those.

I knew how my parents raised my siblings and me. We all turned out okay.

No we didn’t! We all have problems of one kind or another.

When it comes to raising my kid I had vowed that I wouldn’t raise him the way my parents and my uncle did me.

But this is what I know and I’ve noticed that I am doing the same thing.

I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot about abuse and good parenting.

I’m the first to admit that my skills are certainly not the best. But I started thinking…how bad are they?

So I started researching what is considered abuse, what is good discipline, and what is the difference between them.

It really seemed like a lot of “what one person considers abuse another person sees it is good parenting”.

I used to belong to a church that believes that when disciplining a child you must put a wooden spoon to good use.  In fact, in one family I know just the mention of the spoon causes the children to behave properly.

But I noticed that they get very frightened and begin to tremble at the thought of it.

This church believes that abuse is not using the spoon at all…because your kids won’t grow up to be fine adults.

But what ever your beliefs do you know what abuse is?  Do you really know what good discipline is?

It really opened my eyes to discover that yes I had some good parenting skills but some of the things I was doing can be considered abusive.

Now that I am aware I’m trying to doing things differently.

I decided to take what I learned and put it together in an eBook to help other parents out that are like me.

Where are you at?

• Are you satisfied with your parenting skills?

• Are you, like me, unsure that everything you are doing is “good parenting”?

• Do you know that “something isn’t quite right”?

Where ever you are at with your parenting skills, read my free eBook.  Find out what I have discovered.  For each of your skills you can decide: is it abuse or not.

Once a week I go to my Mother’s to take care of different chores. For example, every other week I mow her lawn. Other times I will paint doors or chairs. I pretty much take care of the things that my Dad would if he was still here.

And every week her next door neighbor comes out to talk. I always have to finish up the conversation quickly because if I let him chatter on I never get any work done. I am always very polite but I keep my answers short and sweet. I will eventually tell him that I don’t have time to continue if he doesn’t take any hints.

Now I don’t do this because he likes to prattle on and on. I have many friends that talk constantly and I can sit and listen to them for hours.

And it’s not just because my time is short. I just don’t like the guy! When I see him the gorge rises up inside of me and I want to throw up.

Interestingly enough it didn’t start out this way. You see, he was born and raised in his house. He is about 63 years old now and has never left it. He still lives with his mom. He has been married and has kids. At one time they all lived in this house. But he is divorced now and still hasn’t left.

Coincidentally his best friend lives behind my Mother. This man was also born and raised in that house. He inherited it when his parents died.

I grew up at my Mother’s and I moved out almost 40 years ago but I still visit her weekly.

When I was 4 years old I idolized them. They were big boys; at least 8 years older than me. I used to follow them around whenever they were playing in the neighborhood. Being older they did not like a “baby” tagging along when they were doing their “manly” stuff. They would torture me until I would run home crying.

Mom would keep me away from them as much as she could but I would always find a way back.

During this time I had a best friend. It was a little girl that lived behind us and to the left of one of the boys. We used to have a blast. We would spend a lot of time in her sandbox shoveling sand and making piles. I would wander over in the morning and spend the day with her. I would only take a break to run home for lunch.

Everything changed for me the day that I went over only to find the sandbox missing; the cars gone; and the windows dark. I rang the doorbell but no one answered. I finally, sadly, went back home.

“Mom, where is Sandy?”

“She and her family moved.”

“What??”

That was the last time I ever saw her. I supposed her dad got a new job and they had to go some place else. I accepted it but I’ve never forgotten her.

As I grew up I found more friends to play with. The two boys got older and, I assume, started hanging out with their friends at bars. I haven’t really seen the one in back for years and years. And as I mentioned I still see the one next door. They both would be at least 63 now.

Over the years I have noticed a slight dislike for both of them but I always assumed this was because of the way they used to treat me. But then that changed a couple of years ago.

Mom and I had been talking about the neighborhood. At the time we were sitting on her back porch. I happened to glance at the corner house where my little friend used to live. I mentioned her to Mom and commented that I always wondered what had happened to her.

She looked at me in surprise, “you don’t know?”

Know what? It turns out they hadn’t moved because Dad had found a job somewhere else. My friend had been molested on a regular basis. Quite often this sort of thing happens between older and younger family members but in this case it was different.

It seems her parents had discovered the molestations and reported it to the police. And they knew exactly who had done it: the boy next door and the boy in back. And each time it happened they would make another report. But every time the police just shook their heads; there was nothing they could do.

This was way back in 1959. In those days there were no laws against this sort of thing. Not only that not too many people believed that there was any such thing as child molestation. The police just told Sandy’s parents that their daughter probably enticed these boys.

Come on, she was 4 years old! What did she know about seducing boys. These kids were 12 years old; they should never have touched her! I like to think that if it happened today it would be different.

Because they couldn’t get any help for their daughter this family just moved away never to be seen again. I don’t even know if my parents had ever been in touch with them at all over the years. I doubt it; Mom didn’t mention it when we were talking about it.

I was 53 years old when I found out. My 4 year old self went into a rage over what happened. Not only had I lost my best friend but she had been hurt by 2 very sick individuals.

I don’t obsess over it. After all it happened 51 years ago. I don’t know where she is but I know neither boy has fared well in life. The one in back never married and always lived with his parents until they died. Now he has the house. I occasionally see him puttering around in the yard in bib overalls, a pony tail, and a belly that hangs down to his knees.

The one next door still speaks to me but he hasn’t changed since he was a kid. He has always lived with his mother. He is divorced and rarely sees his kids. He has never held onto a job very long and he spends a lot of time smoking and wandering around in his yard.

But I think about that little girl whenever I am working at Mom’s and he comes out of the house. I clench my teeth and pray that he doesn’t come over to talk.

To be fair this might have just been two 12 year olds experimenting. It was not okay!! But maybe they grew out of it and have just tried to lead normal lives.

But I like to think that little girl had somehow made sure these two men weren’t successful.

And every time I see them I will continue to clench my teeth and just be polite.

Have you ever been accused of child abuse? It can feel like a kick in the stomach. It has become one of the first lines of offense in divorce cases as several of my readers can attest. What can you do? What happens when it is proven that you aren’t guilty?

In a previous post on Child Abuse Accusation I mentioned a Georgia Kindergarten teacher who was up on charges of sexually abusing children including her own.

Since then she has been found not guilty of all charges. She was interviewed on Good Morning America this morning. She is struggling to get her life back after all of the accusations and the trial. Even though she is free there is still a pall hanging over her.

So many people have not forgiven her or still consider her guilty she has had to move out of town. She cannot get her job back. She is fighting to get her children returned to her; they have been gone for two years.

This is her aftermath: she has lost her name, job, and children. Where does she go from here? In this case she is suing to right not only what was done to her but also what has been done to the children and to other people that are falsely accused.

But you might say these children recounted horrific stories of sexual abuse. Were they lying? In this case and many others what are known as “false memories” have been implanted in these kids’ minds. What this means is that they are questioned repeatedly about situations and details until the child actually starts believing that they have happened. The story becomes real for them. They are now victims of abuse even if it didn’t happen.

In general the questioners are not out to get the accused. They honestly believe they are doing the right thing. But they have not been trained in correctly interviewing a child and this is the result.

Afterwards so many people believe the children’s stories that they cannot accept it if the accused goes free. If the defendant is found innocent he will have to work hard to repair his reputation.

The children, who are the victims through either the abuse or the system, must heal somehow in the aftermath.

The schoolteacher is trying to change the system so only trained people will interview children suspected of being abused. This should reduce the number of people being accused of abuse and protect the mental health of the children involved.

But not all accused abusers are innocent. A reader of my last post seemed to think I was implying that we were wasting our time going after these people. There are too many predators out there for us to waste time on the innocent ones.

Again this morning, on the Today Show was a story about a former suspect in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case. She was the 6 year old girl who was sexually assaulted and murdered years ago. Now he is being accused of trying to start a child sex cult. So far they haven’t found him to prove this.

Even though it is only an allegation right now, this must be investigated.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a close friend of mine who may be reading this. He works with abused and sexually molested children on a daily basis. As a result I’ve met a few of them. They are great kids but in the aftermath of their abuse they are struggling to put the pieces of their lives back together. They have to learn that there are adults they can trust and who can help them through the pain.

We have to get the predators off the streets. At the same time we must not allow innocent people to be victimized. Doing both of these things will go a long way in protecting our kids. And reducing the impact of the aftermath!