Posts for category ‘Dad’

“On your way out will you buy my Dad some chewing tobacco?”

Whenever my wife asks me that it send chills down my spine.

I don’t like doing it.

I don’t want to do it.

She doesn’t understand. She thinks it is because I have to go out of my way to do it.

This isn’t the case. I do a lot for her parents. For example, I’m scheduled to take them both to the doctor next Tuesday. This is certainly out of my way but I do it because they are part of my family. It is also something they need and cannot do for themselves.

It goes deeper than that with the chewing tobacco.

My father-in-law has been chewing for over 70 years. It is a normal part of his life. It can be expensive. He goes through a bag every two days; at seven dollars apiece this can be a very expensive habit especially for someone who receives very little in social security and has no savings.

Whenever I mention the expense to my mother-in-law her response is always the same. It is his only pleasure in life so she doesn’t want to deprive him of it. As a result she lives without things that she needs just so he can be happy.

But this isn’t all of it.

You see, my Dad was a smoker. He would go through two packs a day. After 38 years of smoking he was diagnosed with throat cancer. He had to go through radiation to try to cure it. The first thing they did was embed gold nuggets into his throat as a reference point for the radiation.

The program he went through caused him to lose all of his hair and I watched him go from a strong, robust man to a frail oldster. He was 54. He took to wearing wigs and his teeth started falling out. I remember one day when he said “Watch this” and just pulled a tooth out. It came root and all. He then pushed it back in.

During this time his doctor told him for the treatment to be effective he had to stop smoking. And he tried to. He would go for days without a cigarette but the addiction kept bringing him back. In fact he would ask me to buy him some. I didn’t want to do it but I went for him. And he would always say “I have lived a long life, I don’t want to forego my pleasures.”

Sound familiar?

Fast forward 5 years. He is still smoking but it appeared that his cancer had been cured. That is, until the doctor announced that it had come back and had spread through the rest of his body. They started him on chemotherapy and I watched him deteriorate rapidly.

During that time I got sick. I’m convinced it was walking pneumonia. I coughed constantly. But like a true guy I didn’t bother to see a doctor. I had been looking for a house and I didn’t want to take the time. I remember that I finally found one and I was in the process of signing papers. My Dad went with me to the realtor’s office because he was cosigning for me. I was still coughing constantly.

Inside of a month he wasn’t functioning anymore. He was on oxygen and had to be helped with everything he did. On the last day at home he couldn’t talk and wasn’t even aware of his surrounding. My brother and I took him to the hospital where he died several days later.

He died surrounded by his family except me; I was at work. I left at noon to be with him. I rode the elevator up to his floor only to find them at the door waiting to leave. It was done.

His death certificate says he died of pneumonia.

I have never gotten over the fact that I supplied him with his cigarettes at the end and that I may have given him the pneumonia that killed him. He was my Dad and I idolized him and this is how I repaid him.

Now my wife asks me to buy her Dad chewing tobacco. True, he is in his 80s but I don’t want to be the one to contribute to his death.

But we aren’t supposed to deprive him of his “one pleasure in life”.

My son Max and I don’t have a lot of good Father and Son moments. Usually one of us gets angry and then we end up not speaking to each other for awhile. This generally happens when someone imagines that the other is doing something inappropriate.

Because of that I like to celebrate the few times that things go fantastically well when we are out together. Recently we had such a moment.

On Monday Max came to me and he said “Dad, can we go to the aquarium this week?” He was speaking about the New England Aquarium in Boston. I asked him when he would like to do it and he told me Wednesday. This would work because he has a half day at school every Wednesday. I told him I would think about it.

I talked it over later with his Mom and she brought up a good point. Max rarely asks us to take him to places like this. Usually we will suggest something and he will respond enthusiastically. That’s not to say he won’t ask to go places but it is generally to a store, fast food restaurant, or friend’s house. He almost never asks to go somewhere exciting.

We decided it would be a perfect thing to do so I jumped online to buy tickets. We have found from experience that we can buy them once we get there but on a good day it can take an hour or more just to get up to the ticket booth.

On the big day I drove to his school and met him at noon coming out of the door. From there we drove to the subway station; he loves riding the trains. Once we were seated in the car I mentioned that we had two options:

• Change trains and take the second right to the door of the aquarium

• or get off the train at Government Center and walk fifteen minutes through Faneuil Hall to get there.

He opted for the second route but when we got off the train at our stop we found ourselves on a narrow street surrounded by quite a few tall buildings. I turned to a street vendor and asked him how to get to the hall. He smiled and said “Very easy.”

He led me to a spot in the sidewalk, “Do you see these two lines? Follow them; they will take you right there.” I was surprised but as I directed Max to lead us it dawned on me what we were on. It is known as the Freedom Trail. It is actually a line of bricks bordered by stones and set flush into sidewalks and pavements. If you follow the trail it will bring you to 16 historical Revolutionary sites in Boston.

My son was very enthusiastic about taking us to the hall and we followed it through twisting streets and around corners until we came into the Quincy Marketplace which is part of the Faneuil Hall complex. From there it was a just a short walk over to the bay and up the aquarium concourse.

Since it was now 1 o’clock we decided to have lunch before starting the tour so we headed up to the restaurant on the second floor. This was marvelous my son was not balking at having something to eat. After a hot dog for him and a burger for me we went in to see the fish tanks.

One thing about Max: he is a speed viewer. That is, no matter whether we are visiting a museum, zoo, or aquarium he cannot stop in one place to see the exhibits. Because of his ADHD he will end up walking fairly quickly past each one with barely a glance. Interestingly enough he can tell you all about it in every detail later on. He doesn’t miss a thing.

Today was different. When we walked in the door the first thing we saw was the large penguin area. It is divided up into 4 quadrants; each holding a different type. Instead of moving passed them he went up to the nearest group and leaned over the balcony to stare down at the birds.

For a half an hour he stayed in this one spot watching them preen themselves, swim, and talk to each other. He was utterly fascinated. He even laughed when someone shone a flashlight with a fish-shaped beam into the water. The penguins dove at the light trying to capture a “meal”.

Once he was done he took the ramp to the top of the main fish tank. If you haven’t been there, the aquarium has a four story cylindrical tank in the center of the building full of different types of fish. It stands in the middle of the penguin pen and the ramp spirals around it to the top. It is also made of thick clear glass so as visitors climb they can see different levels of fish from those that live at the bottom of the ocean all the way to the ones that swim near the surface.

Today we noticed that the large shark seemed to be pacing us as we headed upwards. He stayed at our level the higher we went and Max loved it. But when we neared the top he disappeared.

At the peak the tank is open and surrounded by a balcony where visitors hang over and see the fish and giant sting rays. No viewing would be complete however without…Max excitedly pointed down to the aquarium’s mascot: Myrtle the Turtle. She is a large green sea turtle over 70 years old.

When we tired of touring the exhibits Max decided he wanted to walk back the way we came to the subway and stop to check out Faneuil Hall. As we walked down the concourse it started to rain so Max changed his mind; he wanted to just get on the train at the aquarium stop instead. Good thing, literally as we stepped through the station doors there was a huge boom of thunder and a lightening bolt overhead. We were glad he made that decision.

Once we got back to the car and headed home we stopped for dinner at our favorite restaurant. He was off to bed once we got back to the house.

As you can see it was a very nice outing. There were no hyper moments. There were no tantrums from either one of us. There were no disagreements about what was going on. We both seemed to be totally in tune with each other.

It is at times like these that I really love a good dad and son day!

Recently I was talking to my 9 year old, Max. It is summer now and I mentioned that we hadn’t started planning what we will be doing. I asked him what he would like. He said,

“I want to go camping.”

“Great idea. Where do you want to camp?”

“At Mount Washington.”

“I like that. And what do you want to do when we are there?”

“Take the cog railway to the top of the mountain.”

“You know, I think that is a great plan. Why don’t we do it.”

“When?”

“We will leave on Thursday.” Today was Sunday.

Max was excited; he couldn’t wait.

I didn’t tell him I had already planned the trip to Mount Washington in Northern New Hampshire on Thursday. We would camp out overnight and take the train up the mountain on Friday morning. I had already bought the train tickets and scheduled the campsite. Except for packing we were all set to go.

Isn’t it nice we think alike?

Because Max is still in school and has afternoon programs it was my job to pack and get ready. I cleaned and packed the tent and sleeping bags, food, water, and clothes. But then of course there were other things that Max wanted to take. By the time the car was loaded it looked like we were going for a week instead of one night.

And then there were his meds. I was a little worried about how I was going to keep track of all of them. My wife came up with a great idea. She bought a box of those small yellow envelopes. She then loaded them up with the correct dosages. After that she labeled them with their days and times. Perfect.

I suppose it would have been easy if Max’s meds were all the same each time of day but they are set up so that he gets different ones at different times. Not only that some of them have to be cut in half. The envelopes worked great!

Since we were leaving on Thursday he ended up missing two days of school. Generally this would be a problem because he loves going but this was a special case. He was genuinely excited about going north.

The drive took 3 hours so we were both ready to relax when we got there. As we went to check in at the camp I noticed Max was getting worried. I asked him what the problem was and he pointed to several signs posted around the door. We were in bear country. These were warnings to watch out for them.

I spoke to the camp owner and he assured me that he hadn’t seen a bear come through in two years. That was great but a short time later Max was talking to his kids. They informed him that they saw one every day during the school year. They would pass it on the bus as they passed through the next town over. Apparently the residents were feeding it. It seemed like they were trying to make it a pet. But if they weren’t careful they would be in for a rude awakening. Bears don’t make good pets.

We spent the afternoon swimming in the pool and Max made friends. One little girl he met was disappointed. It seems that her older sister had been the one to encounter the camp bear two years before. She wanted to see one too but it hadn’t happened yet. Her family only had two days left at their campsite.

Dinner was fun; not really. I had set up the grill to cook hot dogs and beans but it took over an hour just to get the coals hot enough. I always use a chimney to get things going since I don’t use lighter fluid. It generally takes 20 minutes before the food goes on. That night it took over an hour to get a half way decent fire.

While I was waiting to cook Max kept bringing new friends over to see what was happening so they got to see the non-cook at work.

After dinner and some ice cream that we got at the camp store Max was ready for bed. He was asleep by 8:00. Not having anything else to do I turned in and was asleep by 8:30. I ended up waking at midnight and just lay there thinking about bears. I kept imagining them snuffling around the tent.

In the meantime my son was restless. He kept sitting up, looking around, and then lying down. Several times he would call me; convinced I was gone. I would calmly tell him I was still there sleeping beside him.

In the morning we struggled awake and ate breakfast. After that we headed out to the Mt Washington Cog Railway to ride up the mountain. This was sort of a compromise. We really wanted to ride the train even though we had the options of driving up or climbing. I had been told it was too scary by car and climbing could take a very long time.

The drive from the campsite to the mountain is gorgeous. We were in the middle of the Presidential Range which is in the northern most part of the White Mountains. Every where you look there is a mountain or a steep hill covered in greenery.

The one draw back is that there is not alot of cell phone service. We learned that if you are driving and you find a connection pull over quickly. It can be lost just as quickly as it was found. When we discovered one we called Mom to tell her what was going on.

We had to let her know that plans had changed. Originally after the train ride we were going to head home but we decided to stay one more night. She liked this idea since it meant more time for her to relax. And luckily she had packed extra meds just in case.

After that we continued on the road to the train. When I planned the trip I made sure that our stops weren’t too complicated. The camp was 10 miles from the highway on a smaller road and the train was another 10 miles off the same road. So everything was easy.

After the train it was more swimming and playing at the camp. I tried to cook again that night but I couldn’t get the coals working at all so Max and I decided to go out for dinner. We found a nice family restaurant, ate, and then returned to camp for another ice cream. I was able to keep my son up a little later that night but we were both asleep by 9.

It was another restless night for both of us. It didn’t help that a family with two large dogs arrived in the evening to start their vacation. The dogs barked and the people partied until 4 in the morning. Now mind you it wasn’t just a bunch of kids. It was Mom and Dad, Grandma, and two teenagers. All were up having a good time.

During the night they wandered up and down the camp roads talking and shining their flashlights into the tents. It seems that one of them had had too much to drink and kept crashing into things; apologizing as they went. I didn’t mind too much because I figured that the noise was keeping away the bears.

Then the rain started; it was about 3 am. I could hear it pelting against the tent as it fell. Max slept through it until about 5. He really needed to go to the bathroom so we climbed out of the tent. Since we didn’t bring any rain gear with us we threw towels over our heads and headed out.

The rain had been coming down so hard we found that everything was flooded. Max and I slogged to the restrooms in 4 inch of deep water. When we got done we headed back to our tent where we found that the site had also flooded and everything including the tent was soaked.

We packed everything up and stowed it all in the car. And then we sat huddled in it until the office opened at 8. During that time we noticed that in the next site over the dogs were missing; the tents were gone; and the two pickup trucks had disappeared.

I assumed that they couldn’t handle the rain and had left long before us. After we got home someone suggested that maybe they had been thrown out for all of the noise. There was a rule after all that quiet time was from 9 at night to 7 in the morning. They certainly weren’t quiet.

It was a wonderful trip though the rain put a damper on our last day. Our revised plan had been to spend the morning swimming before checking out at noon. After that we were going to stop at a place called “The Basin” to do some hiking. We were expecting to get home by 4 in the afternoon.

However, with all of the torrential down pours we headed straight for home and arrived at 11 o’clock.

My regular readers may have noticed that this post was a little different than most. Generally I talk about Max’s disorders or some other illness that is being addressed. Except for the mention of medications at the beginning there was nothing to talk about.

My son thrived on being out in the wilderness. I can almost imagine him living outside permanently when he is older. There were no upsets; he just had fun.

Except for the fact that Dad was a little grumpy, everything was perfect.

Thursday was too hot and humid for me. It was in the 90s with high humidity. This might be okay for the rest of the country but it is way too hot for New England.

On days like this I just swelter. I have multiple sclerosis. One of the symptoms is a problem with heat. On the one hand it can take a lot out of me but on the other I love hot showers and baths. I can stay in them for hours at a time. I’ve been known to fall asleep in the tub.

I also get cranky and have a difficult time listening to people without getting escalated.

My post is not about multiple sclerosis today however. It isn’t even about the heat. It is about what happened on Thursday.

These are the days that I have scheduled for doing handyman work for several of my clients. On that day I had to paint the inside of a woman’s porch. At the same time Max is home from school this week. He gets four days off between regular school and his summer program.

I decided to take him with me while I worked. I always remember the times my Dad used to take me to work with him. Since he had several jobs I could go with him after school and on weekends. We were together a lot and these were the best times!

I don’t have the opportunity to take Max with me because most of my work is at home. On the days I am doing pca or handyman work he is in school. But since he had a day off he came with me.

It is not the first time he has painted; he once helped me paint this woman’s back porch. He did a good job so I wasn’t too worried

On this day we were tackling the ceiling and the posts around the screens. The first thing I did was to start him on the bottom of one of the screens while I started prepping the ceiling.

I explained to him exactly what he needed to do and what to watch for. I also told him to take his time and be careful about getting paint on the floor. I had newspaper laid down and up against the boards so I assumed it would be okay. I mentioned that it should take more than five minutes to get it down. He generally likes to speed through any project he is working on.

I then started on the ceiling while keeping an eye on him.

Dads will agree with me that it is so nice to watch their sons tackle jobs like this. Not only do they learn skills to use when they get older but also when that day comes Dad will be able to just sit back and watch.

So that side of me was primed. But the other side of me was still very cranky. He proceeded to ignore my directions and do things his way. These included getting paint on the floor; arguing with me; getting disrespectful; and being disconnected. It seemed like his ADHD was in full swing.

The board he was painting took a half an hour but he only had the paint brush in his hand for four minutes. The rest of them he was doing the other things I mentioned.

As a result I wasn’t very respectful to him. I kept speaking to him sternly. He finally decided that he didn’t want to paint anymore. Another “DUH” moment! After being badgered so much he didn’t feel confident enough to continue painting.

My client ended up giving him some other chores to do but by this time he wasn’t very happy. He would start them and then give up.

I thought about it and realized Dad was doing well that day (please read sarcasm here). I brought him back to the porch and suggested he get up and use the roller to help me paint the ceiling. This was just what he had been waiting for all day and he spent quite a bit of time up there.

He was doing a decent job but Dad still couldn’t keep from snapping at him so he soon gave up.

After the job was finished we headed home. I thought about everything that happed as I drove along. As we pulled into the driveway I told Max he had one more task to do. I directed him to come to the driver’s side door. When he did I pulled him in and hugged him. I kissed him on top of his head and told him I loved him.

His response was a very gratified smile. After that he seemed to have forgotten what a tough day it had been. He couldn’t wait to get inside the house to tell Mom about the grand day he had painting the ceiling.

Whatever the reason for my crankiness; I don’t care if it was the heat, my multiple sclerosis, or Max’s ADHD that caused it. Here was a great father and son project that I couldn’t recognize. Hopefully I haven’t turned him off of painting after the day he had.

I have to start seeing when we are in father and son moments and work with that. I’m hoping that my hug and kiss was enough to get passed our tribulations that day.

And here’s to many more moments where I can pass on knowledge. Hopefully I can relax and just enjoy those times.

Max and I went to Fort Foster in Maine again. I like to talk about our trips there. We generally have a lot of fun doing tons of stuff like:

• walking the hiking trails

• climbing the buildings built for World War II

• swimming in the ocean

• playing in the playground

• hunting for special rocks, clams, and sand dollars.

But on this day it was different. It was hot, sunny, and muggy. Dad was asleep at the wheel. What I mean is we arrived at 11:30 and Max immediately took his shirt off and headed for the beach and the water. I know all the Moms’ red flags went up to hear me say this. But let me continue.

Even though it was such a hot day the water was cold. I found that when I went in my feet immediately froze. I found it best to walk along the edge and then pass to and fro into the water; zigzagging until I was up to my knees. I found that this was the best way to get used to it.

Max had no problem moving right in. He spent the next three hours looking for periwinkles and clams in the water. The park has several small beaches so as he finished up with one we would move onto the next.

At 2:30 he found a Dad and son that were searching for sand dollars. When he tried to join them they welcomed him with open arms. The three of them continued to search together. Eventually the Dad found a whole dollar, a hermit crab, and a very large snail. Max discovered half of a sand dollar and he was very excited. And the son actually caught a lobster which he then let go.

But now here’s the “asleep at the wheel” part. My wife called at 3 pm and during our conversation she asked if Max had put on sun screen. Here was a “DUH” moment! I never thought of it. We had been here several times in the spring when we didn’t have to worry about it. Besides that it has been 16 years since I had a bad sunburn; I’m generally very careful.

I immediately called Max over. He looked okay but I put the stuff on him anyway as he protested strongly. I didn’t have to touch his back because he had put his shirt on a couple of hours before. It was a muscle t-shirt that left his shoulders and arms bare so I lathered them up. I also did his legs, feet, and whatever parts of his face he allowed me to put it on.

After that I put it on too. I covered my ears and back of my neck too.

Later on, after the others went home Max and I were walking down the hiking trail. I was in front of him and I glanced back once to see if he was still there. I noticed several spots of red on the inside of his left knee. They looked almost like blood.

I mentioned it to him. He had a knee length bathing suit on so he pulled it up to check. We both came to the conclusion that it was a rash that may have been caused by rubbing against the edge of his suit.

But about 5:30 when we were just about to leave he started to complain that it hurt and he was having trouble walking. I looked at it and discovered that it was now a massive swollen mess. It was still soft and smooth like the rest of his leg but it bothered me.

After we got home I sent him in to show my wife while I unpacked the car. When I got inside she informed me that it was now very hard. We were both worried. We still didn’t know if it was a bite, or a sting, or something else. She even wondered at one point if it was poison ivy.

While we were driving home I had taken the ice pack we had for our drinks and put it on his leg. By that time it was fairly warm but he said it helped a little. At home we found a cold one to replace it. Then he felt much better.

In the meantime he had taken his shirt off and we discovered that his shoulders and arms had turned a bright red. Max now has his first sunburn ever! His skin is so pale that the burn stands out very sharply. And when my wife checked me she found the back of my neck and arms just as bad.

Max complained until we put ointment on it. Dad complained until he got the ointment too.

So this is where I “fell asleep at the wheel”. I forgot the sunscreen until it was too late. I didn’t keep a close eye on him so I don’t know where the “rash” came from. I felt really bad about both…still do.

But as my wife says as far as the sunscreen goes, maybe he will now remember to put it on. And as far as the “rash” goes I’m not sure I could have protected him from that.

When he woke up the next morning the swelling had gone done and it just looked like red spots again. And he didn’t have any pain from the sunburn. The only think was he didn’t get up until 8:30 when my wife had to wake him. This is a boy that rarely sleeps passed 5:30 in the morning. I don’t know if this had anything to do with it or if he was finally just getting caught up on sleep.

Anyway he’s my son and I suppose I’ll always worry about him. I’m 54 and my 84 year old Mother still worries about me!

But with all of this Max and I will still enjoy our Fort Foster days.

On Saturday we went to Max’s Cub Scout Blue and Gold ceremony. What we didn’t know at the time was that he was starting to run a fever. We had a hint something was wrong because he was so tired. Because things were running fairly smoothly we didn’t think much about it.

Sunday was Father’s Day. In the morning I was so tired myself that I couldn’t wake up. Several times Max came in to ask when I was coming downstairs. The last time I told him I would be 2 minutes…then I slept for 20. I didn’t wake up until my wife came in to find out what was happening.

I am surprised I was able to sleep so long. My son is usually very impatient and comes after me over and over again until I jump out of bed, usually very cranky.

Today I was able to slowly get up and wander downstairs. Passing through the living room I noticed Max was lying down on the couch. My wife informed me that he had a terrible headache and she had had to get up several times in the night to comfort him.

Now that I was up he was excited. They had gifts for me. The first one Max had already given me on Saturday. It is a grey t-shirt that advertizes that “Dad is a grillin Man!” Um, okay, if they say so. I actually think my wife and son are hoping that it will prompt me to do more cooking on the grill.

Now I got the rest of the presents: a pair or shorts and a jersey. Very nice choices but where are the scratch tickets? Where are the tickets to Canobie Lake? Just kidding.

This was basically the end of my Father’s Day. It turned out we had to take Max to his doctor’s walk-in clinic to find out what was going on. Here it is the beginning of summer and he was running a fever. He also had a massive headache and was feeling very poorly. All the way he kept an ice pack on his head and he had already taken some Advil.

At the office they told us he had a virus and we should just keep giving him Advil and ice packs until it cleared up.

On the way home he insisted he still wanted to go to church. We got there in time for the start of the service.

Later we went to give my wife’s dad his present. It is a black t-shirt with the American flag and an eagle on it. But even now Max was very subdued. He kept trying to do the things he loves like climb trees, run, and play ball but it was taking too much out of him.

On Monday morning we were going to keep him out of school but since it was the last day he insisted on going. We expected a call telling us to bring him home but that didn’t happen.

As my wife said today it was so nice and quiet while Max was sick. When we got home from church on Sunday he curled up on the couch in his toy room. He slept for 2 hours. He had been slow and very subdued. Now, we really don’t want him to be sick all the time. It was just nice to have a little relief.

Ordinarily on Sundays he would be cranky. He would be expressing some of the symptoms of ADH, Bipolar Disorder, or Asperger’s Syndrome. This was kind of a break.

But seeing how badly he felt it will be nice when he is better and can start enjoying the things he really likes to do.