Max has discovered the Battleship Game.  This is a guessing game where each player has their own game board to position ships. The other player has to guess where each is positioned.

From out of nowhere last Saturday morning the idea to play popped into his head. It was early morning but I was already doing some work. When he suggested it I jumped at the chance. I thought it was a great idea and it had been a long time since I had played it.

Now he wants to continuously play the games with his Mom or Dad. We don’t just play one game at a time; we have marathon sessions where each one contains several games. And each session has been different:

• In our first session Max concentrated very hard. It was almost like playing chess. He was thinking several moves ahead and kept imagining what my configuration was. I had to keep reminding him that it was his turn. It was the perfect time. It was 7 o’clock in the morning and his Mom was still asleep. He was calm and cool and knew how to plan his attack. And of course he beat his Dad.

• We played session 2 twelve hours later. It was 7 p.m. and Max was very spacey. It was not a good time to play. He wasn’t able to concentrate and I could not keep him on track. I kept threatening to quit but each time it would upset him because he really wanted to play. I tried to motivate him to keep going by suggesting things that he could do but he couldn’t really hear me. I was finally able to get the last game over by actually moving my pieces to spots that he had guessed. Later my wife commented that she could hear me from the other room. According to her I was badgering him to get it done. I’ve got to watch that.

• In session number 3 the next day he was back to the mode he was in in session 1. But things were still different. He became very involved as he did earlier. But this time he had to copy our configurations from each game on paper. He wanted to remember the best positions for the next time he played. So as each game ended he would painstakingly draw each on a piece of paper as he kept both game boards in front of him.

I have loved playing these games with Max. But I could see two different things from these sessions:

1. Depending on the time of day it would determine which of his symptoms would appear. At 7 in the morning his medications would have started working so he would be able to concentrate just like homework mornings. At 7 at night they had started wearing off and he would slowly lose his concentration and eventually lose control.
2. A lot of the things he was doing appeared “normal”. This was certainly due to the meds but even at the end of the day it just appears that he is getting tired and ready to go to bed like any other kid. It’s at times like this I start wondering if he really needs to be on medication at all.

But I know it is easy to fall into this trap. So many people meet Max during his good periods and don’t understand why he is getting medication. And being his Dad I would like him to be “normal” too. I mean, how many times can you say “he has ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, and Asperger’s Syndrome.”

But as long he keeps learning the tools to function and we keep educating ourselves and talking to other parents there may come a time we won’t have to worry so much.

Hah, my Mom is 85 and she still worries about her 50-somthing son!

But I’ll continue to play Battleship with him as much as he likes. I’ll play catch and go on trips with him. And I’ll continue on working to make us the best that we can be!

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Do you floss between your teeth? How often do you do it?

I have always been very serious about doing mine. Once a day just before bedtime. And I would do it even if I had had my teeth cleaned that day at the dentist. The hygienist used to call me very dedicated.

I became even more anal about it when I had a real deep cleaning done on my bottom teeth.

What is deep cleaning?

When you go to the dentist for a regular cleaning it is called “scaling”. This is when dental tartar and plaque is scraped off the surface of the teeth. These are bacteria-filled deposits that collect; not all it can be removed by brushing.

A deep cleaning, on the other hand, is known as a “root planing”. The dentist or hygienist will “sand” the root surfaces and remove any infected areas. These result when pockets develop in the teeth and bacteria grows unchecked.

Why do people need to floss?

Brushing our teeth removes bacteria from the surfaces. One problem is, however, that the bacteria can build up between our teeth. Our toothbrushes cannot get in there to get all of this junk. The alternative is to floss.  This is the processes of scraping the sides of our teeth with a string to remove anything that is there.

Should everyone floss?

As far as children are concerned their dentists will let them know when they are old enough to start. Most adults should be flossing at least once a day. I’ve known some who do it after every meal.

I can’t say at what age an adult can stop but it reminds me of a story my mother once told me. She was out driving somewhere with my grandmother and realized she had food between her teeth. She stopped the car and pulled out her ever-ready floss. And, not wanting to be selfish, she passed some over to my grandmother as well.

As you know, to use floss you wrap one end around one finger on your left hand and the other around a right finger. You then slide the floss up and down between your teeth.

As Mom was flossing she glanced over at Grandma who also had the floss between her teeth. She was crying softly; my Mother realized that the floss had tightened up painfully on her fingers so she reached over and loosened it. It made her think, why should a 98 year old woman with great teeth have to floss? She never suggested it again and Gram never asked.

Recently I’ve noticed that I have been slacking off. As I mentioned earlier I was flossing once a day, 7 days a week. For awhile I started doing it once a week, then once a month. I don’t know how long the last time I had done it but after realizing last night that I had food buried between my back teeth I decided that it was time.

As I expected my gums had softened so while I flossed some blood appeared between my teeth. But on two occasions I came across two very soft areas that felt almost like bubbles. As I broke through them they burst like water-filled balloons. And like those balloons blood flew out and stopped as soon as they were empty.

My gums didn’t keep bleeding but I knew that I now had some open areas. After I finished flossing and brushing I rinsed with some medicated mouthwash. I will continue to do this for the next few days after flossing to make sure the areas are healed.

I’m still going to have to see my dentist to make sure that there aren’t any deep infections now that have to be taken care of.

How old are you?  How were you raised?  Was it the “right” way or the “wrong” way?  Are you unhappy with the way you have been raised?  A lot of people have been struggling for years taking courses or reading books to improve themselves; but has it helped?

Think about this:  “It takes a village to raise a child”.

Most of us know this as the title of a book written by Hillary Clinton but it is actually an African proverb.

It also takes a village to raise an adult…

I am going to show you two ways to help bring up an adult right!

So now you are asking: what is he talking about?

For millions of years it was the village that raised our children.  Certainly it is the parents who have the primary responsibility but in every part of the world it has been the extended family, the grandparents who live with the family, the uncles, aunts, and cousins who live next door or down the street, and every member of the village that has helped raise that child.  And it was true in the United States up until the Industrial Revolution.

The start of the industrial age brought a lot of changes into our lives.  One of the most profound changes affects how children are raised.  What happened?   Previously fathers worked close to home.  Their sons were with them early on and grew up working with them.  Dads, grandfathers, and uncles were able to bond with their kids.  Now families had to move where the jobs were, this would be far away from the village.  Now granddads and uncles aren’t there and often dads are getting up early in the morning, driving a half hour or more to a job, coming home late at night and children, if they are lucky, see them on weekends and maybe a short time during the weekday.

Families are now finding they require two incomes to survive so guess what, moms are out working too!  And young children are growing up in day care and preschools.  And I haven’t even touched upon single-parent homes!

If that isn’t enough, starting with WWII when dads went off to war they were taught not to show any emotion except, of course, anger!!  When they were discharged and back raising their families, only the anger showed.  Children learned that men have only one emotion!

As a result of these changes a lot of us grow up with gaps in our development.  What can we do to fill them?

There are people and organizations that have evolved to help fill these gaps.  Where once grandparents, uncles and aunts, and the village acted as mentors, today we must look outside the home.   There are many different types of mentors.

One group of individuals out there to help is called life coaches.  You may have heard of one of them, his name is Dr Phil.  Many of them specialize in different areas of life.  Do you have a problem with relationships?  There are coaches to help.  Emotions?  Life?  Business?  You can find a coach dedicated to fill those gaps for you.  Check out Coach Inc on the web for some good ones.   They do everything by phone.   They will discuss your issues and give homework.  This can be as simple as getting a daily massage or as tough as confronting people who have made your life a nightmare!  You say you don’t know what your needs might be?  The website has a needs assessment form available for download.

I have had two coaches.  One lives in California and the other is local, they used to deal with my issues in tandem on the phone; we would do three way calls.  I had a problem with dealing with nasty people.  I still have some work left but I am getting better!

There is another way to fill in the gaps that people generally don’t think about.  Once the Industrial Revolution happened and families left the villages, wives found themselves far away from their mothers, aunts, grandmothers…their mentors. In those days who was there to teach them how to nurture and feed their children?   Male doctors!  Let’s face it what do we men really know about breast-feeding?

Not to worry, today there are organizations available which have moms that have been there, done that, available to support new moms along the way.  When our son was born my wife found a group called The Mother Connection.  It was set up to support moms and families in the Merrimack valley.  They have a lot of educational resources, workshops, and moms to help other moms.  Check online for similar groups near you.

Now, these aren’t all the types of groups available.   You can find both spiritual and secular groups to help with the process too.

So, have you found that inner child in you?  This can be fun!  I love going to carnivals and amusement parks with my 8 year old and riding all the rides with him!  We climb mountains, swim, and bike ride.  Not bad for a fifty-something year old!

But if you find that your inner child is blocking your development and you don’t have close family and friends to help you through it (or even if you do), check out the different mentoring groups.  You have two that you can start with today:  the mother connection and life coaching.

Remember, don’t do it alone!  It is only a recent stage in human history that we think we don’t need anyone else.  It is never too late to start!  Use these tools and others that are available to raise yourself to adulthood!

A close friend of mine has a theory: people look for their opposites to get involved with.  I’m not talking just in ideology, democrats marrying conservative for example; but physical appearance too.  He is a tall blond republican atheist that married a short brunette Christian liberal.

I never bought into this theory considering I am a tall slim brunet Christian borderline conservative that married a short slim brunette Christian borderline conservative.

But as the years have passed I do believe my wife and I have a lot of differences.  Not only that, I think that each of us has internal opposites.

Let’s take weather.  My wife cannot stand the cold; winter is her least favorite season and she always sleeps with a pile of blankets on the bed.  You would think that she’d love the summer heat but she needs the synthetic cold of air conditioning.  She actually lowers the temperature as much as she can get away with…and then she still sleeps with that pile of blankets!!

On the other hand I love winter.  I love how cold it gets.  I am not a fan of air conditioning; I only use it in the car if there are people with me. I don’t sleep very well in the summer with all that cold and blankets.

I don’t like the outside heat but I enjoy saunas and hot baths.  I only take showers now because I discovered that I could just fall asleep in the tub and stay there for hours.  A lot of people who, like me, have multiple sclerosis are like this.

Another difference between my wife and me is all the talking.  She starts from the minute she wakes up until she goes to sleep at night.  I believe in short answers to questions.  If I spend a day without saying anything at all, it works for me.  Generally I don’t have a problem with all the talking.  Recently we completed a 13 week course together and she talked quite a bit during the classes.  I didn’t say much but people remember all the information “we” contributed so I benefited from the fallout.

And then there is time management.  My dad taught me when I was a child to always be at least 15 minutes early for appointments; and allow more time if I am unsure how to get there.  Long before airport guidelines suggested that people arrive 2 hours before their flights my dad insisted on it.  This was to insure that we are able to get through potential traffic and long ticket lines.

On the other hand my wife’s goal is to be on time for appointments; that means walking in the door at the scheduled time.  You know that no matter what time you go to a doctor’s office, for example, you will still have to wait awhile.  She doesn’t want to wait too long before seeing him.  So many times I will be ready to go early but I then have to sit and wait for her.

I can see where she gets it, her mom schedules her time so she actually leaves the house at the moment she has her appointment.  What I mean is, if she has a 9 o’clock scheduled, she leaves the house at 9.  My father in law, like me, is always ready early but he will sit in the car and read the newspaper while waiting for her.  He has been doing this for 60 years so he is used to it.

My son Max appears to have inherited all of these traits.  Like me, he loves winter and will spend hours in the snow.  He loves air conditioning cold but, like his mother, will sleep with a lot of blankets.  He is not fond of heat but will stay in the shower for hours and I know he will love saunas when he gets older.

As for talking, he never stops.  Well hardly ever, if he is angry or in project mode he won’t say a word for hours.

He is very good at being early for things he wants to do of course; like going to the movies or amusement parks.  He is also always 10 minutes early or more waiting for the school van in the morning.  But as you can imagine, for things he isn’t interested in he is always late.

He is a brunet, and slim, but at the moment unlike his parents he is a liberal (at 8 years old).

How about my friend?  He and his wife had two kids and both are blonds and both appear to be liberal democrats.

I’m not trying to point out good things versus bad things here.  I just want to show differences and how not only opposites can attract but that there can be opposites inside of us too.

What about you?  Are you with someone that is opposite?  Or do you have opposing forces inside of you?  What are your thoughts?

Traveling the road to glory is never easy. It will be full of pitfalls waiting to snare people and preventing them from reaching their goals. Now I’m not necessarily talking about President Obama glory or Michael Phelps Olympic gold though they surely went through a lot of pain to get to the top. Even regular people following their dreams can reach road blocks too.

Some people will take issue with the idea that Obama and Phelps are not “regular” people that are accomplishing their goals. And they would be right. One homeless person which is certainly a “regular” person struggled to write a book while living in the back of a car. She would steal time in corners of cafes and libraries to put her words down on paper. When it was finished she shopped it around to dozens of publishers before one decided to take a chance on publishing it. Today, next to the queen J.K. Rowling is the richest woman in England. Her Harry Potter exploded into our homes and continues to reach new heights. Any one of the barriers she met on her path could have stopped her; and have stopped others.

I am not trying to gloss over the accomplishments that people like these have made. My point is that everyone around us has much smaller dreams and goals that they are working towards and they run into pitfalls too. I think “smaller” is not a good word either. My dreams would put me on top of the world but you may think that I’m not reaching high enough. Who’s to judge?

Recently I included a post from a friend of mine regarding an organization called suitcases4kids; established to provide suitcases to children in foster care who only have trash bags to carry their belongings. The founder, Ron Nickerson, would not consider his goals as lofty. He takes in the foster kids that no one else wants, the hard cases. He has been very successful in turning them around making them productive members of society.

He came across the idea of giving suitcases to these kids from an article he read. He did some research and found that nothing like this was happening in New England. He jumped at the chance to help them. He put together a team and to date has brought in over 1500 suitcases just for the pilot program.

He also coaches parents on how raising their “incorrigible” kids.

None of this was all smooth sailing for him. He lost a few kids that couldn’t be turned around. There have been towns that don’t want to help the kids. And most recently he has found in the midst of all of this he may be losing his house. He doesn’t own it so it may be easy to find another rental. But with all the boys in the home it might be difficult to find a suitable place. But this is not stopping him; he has his road to glory and he is continuing to travel it by resolving his issues not letting them stop him.

The front page of his site has a letter written by a child that is moving through the foster care system. He talks about the trash bags and ruined family pictures. What is his goal? “I am in a new home now and I really want it to work.” I have met C.J. and he seems happy and adjusting well. His foster parents would love to keep him but they are waiting to find out if this is working for him. It appears he is well on his way.

And then there is my son Max. He has a lot of 8 year old dreams. He wants to be a soldier, an inventor, and an engineer to name a few. Recently he was not only promoted to third grade but he was also promoted to sixth grade reading. Major accomplishments (I didn’t even know he liked to read, he never does at home). But he also has personal goals too, like expressing his anger in less destructive ways. Hey, he’d even like to find out why he gets angry so easily!! Will he become president? That is a subject that is now less important to him than why he is so explosive. The anger and destructiveness are two of his road blocks. Once he gets through these he will be able to look forward to new dreams and new heights to reach for.

Everyone is on a road to glory, their own glory. It is up to them to get passed the pitfalls and even though a child needs to learn how to do it it’s up to the parents to guide them.

In the past few weeks I’ve written a couple of posts on judging people. I called them Judge Not and Judge Not Part 2. In them I talk about my friend Rob and I try to point out that we cannot judge him for his problems.

Today I find that I am having a very difficult time not judging someone. I don’t even know who that person is!

It started out like any other day. Occasionally I go to my mother’s house when I have free time so that I can get some things done there for her. Since money has been very tight for me lately she pays me a small amount to do the work. I try to go down every couple of weeks.

My brother does most of the work. He’s a physical kind of guy; he loves getting his hands dirty. I, on the other hand, would rather write, read, or do any other kind of mind work. Recently with all of the economic issues in the world he has found that he has to put long hours in at work to make up for all the layoffs. I’ve been trying to take up a little of the slack down at mom’s.

Now here’s the thing. Today my mother pulled me aside. She said, “I want to ask you a question. You are the executor of my will. I have put in a clause leaving your brother extra money. Do you have a problem with that?”

I laughed, “you’ve asked me that question before.”

“I don’t remember.”

“Mom, that’s okay. Ask it as many times as you need to. Here’s the deal, he does a lot of work around here. He comes down at least once a week and spends a few hours getting the things done that you need. And he doesn’t take anything for it. I think he deserves the extra money. I don’t have a problem with you having that clause in your will.”

She said, “Thank you. I’m asking all the kids how they feel about it. The problem is I had something I needed to get done and I asked around. Someone said, ‘Let Ryan do it. He’s getting that extra chunk of money in the will, ‘ so I need to know how everyone feels about it.”

I was shocked. Here my brother is doing all of the work and not getting paid. No one else in the family has been stepping up. Not only that a lot of the work Mom wants done is to get the house ready for when she goes. She believes that the more she does will make it sell for a higher price. All of the profit would then be divided up among the siblings. So here he is doing the work so the rest of us will reap the benefits.

Now Mom says she doesn’t know who made the remark. I would rather think that no one really did but she doesn’t make things up.

So the bottom line is I’m having a very difficult time not judging this person badly, whoever it is. Maybe they have legitimate reasons. I don’t know. I just know that Ryan has done a lot for our family and he asks nothing in return. I know he feels the same why I do…that Mom should enjoy her money, not worry about us after she is gone. But she is a mom and that’s what they do.

I would like to hear from you. What do you think about this situation. Please comment. And just for fun I’ve thrown in this survey to tally the votes:

Harry Potter just walked into my office, his black wizard’s robe fluttering around him. He screwed up his face at me; his round small glasses sparkling in the light. His scar was emblazoned on his forehead for all to see. He couldn’t hide it under that mop of hair because he just had it shaved for the summer months.

“Daddy, who am I?”

“Ummm, Ron Weasley?” “No!!”

“Hermione?” “No Daddy, I’m Harry Potter!!”

It was his buddy that was dressed as Ron. They spent the afternoon trying to conjure up spells. I caught him once holding his hand over a broom which was lying on the ground and saying “Up, up, up”. He was doing it the same way that the real Harry would call his flying broom up into his hand.

If it’s a costume Max, who is 8, wants it. He has several Oscar-caliber performances to his credit.

The major performances started with Steve Irwin. Do you remember the Crocodile Hunter? When he was 3 Max started to dress just like him. He had to visit every zoo and animal shelter a dozen times. He had to watch every one of Irwin’s television programs. And everyone had to call him Steve. His impersonation was so good some doctors and teachers thought he believed he was really was the crocodile hunter. But we knew better; he never lost himself inside of his costume.

This went on for two years but then when Max was 5 Irwin died while swimming too close to some manta rays in the ocean. We sat Max down and told him as gently as we could. He took it very well; even shrugged his shoulders. But then it hit him. His goal had been to meet Irwin when he got older; now he realized it would never happen and he cried.

Max put his Crocodile Hunter costume away and never spoke of him again. He tried to watch Irwin’s daughter’s television program but he could never get into it.

When he was still 5 Max saw the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl” for the first time. He became Captain Jack Sparrow. He always wore the costume and a long haired wig. When he spoke he threw a lot of “arghs” and “me hearties” in for good measure. And daddy had to dress like Captain Barbossssa (note the ssss when the name was spoken).

Imagine his delight when he was invited to Barbosa’s son’s birthday party though to this day Max believes that the man was just a relative, not the real captain.

This role went on for about two years during which he discovered Prince Caspian from “The Chronicles of Narnia” series. More often than naught now he was a knight in armor or a prince in the medieval ages. He became fascinated with swords and to this day we can stumble on one hidden in some dark corner. There are a couple of castles in our area which we were visiting constantly. There are also a couple of museums that display suits of armor and accessories exclusively. Guess how many times we visited these.

More recently he has immersed himself in the service. He is Army Captain Max Corr. We spend a lot of time at the Army Navy store and he has equipped himself with the outfit, boots, real helmet, and wooden carbine rifle. He also has two sets of dog tags. This is his current preference in outer wear. He even wears it in place of his Cub Scout uniform when we go to meetings. If he had his way he would enlist tomorrow but he has set his sights on age 17 (assuming he gets parental permission to go in that early).

And of course, there is Harry Potter. Max has been watching the first movie over the last few days and today is the first time he has embraced it. We don’t know where this is going; hey, we don’t even know when he’ll take that lightning scar off of his forehead. Since I am a fan of the series (I’ve seen the first 4 movies at least 4 times each) I will be watching with interest.

There have also been several minor roles. These include cook, scientist, lion, dog, pumpkin, Darth Vader, and space captain. Each has a costume either store bought or made from odds and ends. He cannot just imagine he is a character; there has to be some physical evidence to back it up.

The nice thing about his school is that they spend every year putting together a movie. Last year they made a pirate movie. Very appropriate for him! Parents receive a “direct to home” DVD so that we can see our budding stars. They are doing one this year too but we don’t know what it is about yet. School ends next week so we should see the results then.

Will he be the next Johnny Depp? We can only hope. Is it an obsession? Perhaps, but certainly it is a benign one. He doesn’t get so lost in the character that he forgets he is Max.

I was coming out of the YMCA yesterday when I noticed a soldier sitting on a bench in front of the building.  He just seemed to be enjoying the weather.  But what was different about him was that his right arm was in a cast and sling, and his left arm was missing its hand.  I don’t know what happened to him but I thanked him for his service.

Last month I met an exsoldier who had been back from Iraq for about a year.  He told me that he had taken several bullets in his stomach and had been shipped home.  I thanked him for his service too.

Most boys seem to be struck by soldiers at an early age and dream about becoming one.  For hours they and their friends play war in their backyards while waiting for the day they can enlist.

My son Max (8) has his uniform and boots, and he received a real army helmet for Christmas.  He wears them proudly.  On Saturday we went out for our usual breakfast with my father-in-law.  When we were leaving the diner we ran into two solders that had just left their truck outside.  Max was fascinated and the men gave him permission to check it out.  It was a special flatbed truck for towing with the cab hanging out in front of the wheels.  The tires were taller than he is; he thought this was awesome.

Max had soccer after breakfast but, as a result of this chance meeting, instead of changing into his soccer clothes he put on his uniform, boots and helmet.  He actually played with the helmet on for twenty minutes even though it is very heavy.  He later took it off and finished up practice just in his uniform.

When I was his age I was just as fascinated.  My dad, uncle, and their dad all served in World War II.  I wanted to be like them but I also planned on going all the way to general.  When I was 9 some of my friends called me “Cap’n” for awhile.

Things changed in high school.  The war in Vietnam was winding down and the soldiers were coming home.  Problem was they weren’t getting any of their VA benefits.  As a result quite a few of them marched on Washington, set up tents on the mall in front of the Washington Monument, and petitioned the government for their benefits.  I was incensed.  My thinking was “how could they sell out the United States like this after they had fought for us?”

When I was in twelfth grade a group of students and teachers went to Washington to see the sights.  The soldiers were still living on the mall.  They made me nervous, big hairy men in their army jackets.  I didn’t know what they would do while we were around.  And then I met them, very nice men.  I came away feeling that they deserved what they were asking for.  I was proud to have met them.  When I got home I let my hair grow just like them, later I grew a beard, and I got an army jacket and wore it proudly.

I never had the privilege to serve but I always applaud those who did during the Memorial Day parades.  When I meet a soldier I thank him or her for what they have done or are doing for our country.

Whatever our political persuasion or whether we believe in war, we all have to respect the men and women who are willing to give up their lives to protect our rights and what we believe.