Posts for category ‘Parents’

Have you ever heard the phrase “The Honeymoon Period”?

A honeymoon is a trip or holiday that is taken by a couple that has just gotten married. The honeymoon period is the early harmonious time in their relationship.

The phrase can also be applied to other situations such as the first few months of a newly elected president. People generally give their new officials a lot of freedom in that period; then assess their performances at the end of that time. Then, as is often the case, discord results as it becomes apparent that their leaders cannot live up to expectations.

But it can also refer to changes in family life. Recently I have written several posts about the new House Rules we have been implementing in our home. My son Max was not thrilled initially with them; especially when they were posted on our living room wall.

But then he conformed to them. They went up on Monday. He was great Monday and all of Tuesday. Some of the rules required the loss of some of his allowance for infractions. He was okay with that. In fact if he thought we were too lenient he would take more money out himself.

But then Wednesday morning the “you know what” hit the fan. He woke up angry and attacked anyone and anything in his path. Before the school van arrived at 7:15 a.m. he had lost his whole allowance for this week from all of the hitting, swearing, screaming, and throwing things. The only thing that finally settled him down was the required time out. Because of all the problems it lasted twenty minutes. He also lost his current most favorite toy for the day.

Not only was that unexpected for him but the bigger shock was when next week’s allowance chart was posted and he started losing money from that as well. He has informed us that he will not follow the rules anymore. He blames them for the increased number of tantrums he has been having. And you know, he is probably right. He doesn’t like the idea of losing his freedom no matter how unhappy it makes him.

The “honeymoon period” is over. Monday and Tuesday he was testing the waters. On Wednesday was the beginning of the resistance. According to our counselors if we stick to it these problems should all be over in a week. I hesitate to mention it but it takes three to four weeks to break habits, no matter how bad they are.

At the same time we have to remember that Max has been diagnosed with:

• Bipolar Disorder – with the accompanying rages and explosive temper tantrums, and oppositional and aggressive behaviors.

• ADHD – including interruptions and intrusions on others; and not appearing to listen.

These issues may make it harder in the near term to enforce the rules.

So Wednesday was day one of the resistance. He battled us constantly. My wife and I were strong and consistently enforced the consequences.

By Friday morning Max had started to conform again; he has only lost twenty cents since Wednesday night. But he was unhappy. He has finally realized he is really losing money from his allowance. He has been telling us that it is too hard to follow the rules. We asked him why:

• Swearing is too much of a habit; he doesn’t know how to stop. We responded that he never swears in school. Not only that he has already been doing it less at home since we instituted the rules.

• He doesn’t understand the yelling and whining rule. I assume it is based on the fact that his parents still do it a little bit and he sees that.

• There are other rules he doesn’t get. These are obvious ones like disobeying and threatening. We think these are really delaying tactics. They are pretty straight forward.

Even though he has the disorders which may make the rules harder to enforce; just the fact that he is a child who hasn’t had a consistent set of rules will cause him to fight back.

At the same time, this is only the start. The rules were only defined on Monday; this is only Friday. He will learn them and he will eventually conform to them.

As long as we stay consistent.

It’s that time of year again.  The circus is in town.  My wife, son, and I have fun going every year.  We have a small one that comes and sets up on a local field.  The tent goes up and inside is a one ring staging area.  Stadium seats circle it and fans get to see 15 to 20 different acts including high wire and clowns.

Even though there are so many things to see there is only a small amount of performers.  Each will do several different jobs.  When we went last night we noticed one girl who, among other things, spun hula hoops, road the elephants, did a hire wire act, belly danced with camels, and sold hot dogs.  Whew!  Makes me tired just thinking about it.

Most of the show was a good time but one thing marred it.  There were vendors moving through the crowd selling anything from popcorn to balloons to coloring books.  Outside the tent there were plastic swords and hula hoops and just about any other junk you can think of for sale.

Not too long ago I wrote a post about my son Max’s addiction to buying.  He has never seen a piece of junk that he didn’t want to spend his hard earned dollars on.

My wife and I came up with a plan to try and combat this.  It has two parts to it:

1. We instituted a buying moratorium for the month of May.  None of us would buy anything except food for 30 days.  We hoped that by saving our money Max would learn that he doesn’t need to purchase things to satisfy himself.

2. We started Max on an allowance.  The goal here is to teach him the value of money and how to use it.  Perhaps he will start enjoying saving some of it and see it grow.

The first part of our plan worked out pretty well.  At the beginning of the month he would complain loudly when we would remind him about the freeze on buying.

“But just this one thing.  I need it so badly,” he would wail, “I’ll stop buying after just this one!”

We didn’t cave in.  As time went on we noticed that his requests became less and less.  When we had to say said “No” he stopped complaining as much.
Part 2 has been a little tougher.  He was excited; now, like his friends, he was getting an allowance.  Half of it he gets for, as he puts it, “just because I’m Max”.  To get the rest of it he has to do 5 chores each week and he has been loving it.  Some days he has been cleaning out the kitty litter.  On others he has been making his bed.  On Tuesdays he helps Dad put out the trash.

Saving money has not come easy for him.  He still wants to spend it the minute he gets it.  Lately though he has been starting to notice that when he buys junk he doesn’t have any money left over for something he really wants.

And then the circus came to town.

Even though we were sitting high up in the bleachers it didn’t stop the vendors from working their way over to us constantly.  He went through his money fairly quickly but then he turned to us.   So we got a steady stream of “I want, I want, I want.”

We didn’t mind if he asked for peanuts or hot dogs.  We are always trying to get this kid to eat.  And this is our rule anyway.  We will buy real food if he is hungry but not candy or junk.

But he was getting more and more upset and escalated because we wouldn’t buy any of the toys or balloons.  When he begged for a circus coloring book we still said “No”.  Some parents have asked us why.  They believe there is a lot that can be learned in some of them.  But you know what?  Max doesn’t like to color.  Once that book got home it would spend its life in a corner.  He would never even know what the first page looks like.

So as you can guess all the work we put in over the last couple of months were lost when Max was presented with all of these goodies.  Once I actually took him outside to speak to him because he was getting so angry.  When he realized he was about to lose the rest of the circus he quieted down somewhat and just watched the show.

This was just a minor setback.  It was bound to happen.  As the cliche says, “Today is a new day”.  So now we can continue to teach Max what he needs to know about handling money.

And at 6:30 this morning my son and I went out for a run.  Our route passed the circus field.  Max turned to me in surprise.
“How can the circus be gone already?”  The field was completely empty.

“Because after the last show last night the performers and crew worked straight through packing everything away.  They had to move on to their next show.”
I then asked him, “Max, what was your favorite part of the show?”

“The girls.  My favorite was the girl on the trapeze.”

Hmm, we’ve gone from money to girls and he is only 9 years old.  I can see that there are more things I’m going to have to teach him.

Max breezed through his homework this morning. This is pretty typical. I’ve mentioned before how early morning is the best time for him to get it done.

How does your child do his homework?

Experts say some of the best ways for children to do their homework is to:

• Find a quiet place where they won’t be distracted. As we all know, children can get sidetracked very easily.

• Turn off the television. Similar to the previous statement, they will end up watching instead of doing.

• Make sure they have everything they need including paper, pencils, and books. Maybe even a cold drink if they tend to wander into the kitchen over and over again because they are thirsty.

• Be available for help if your child needs it.

Here are some other suggestions to motivate your child to do her homework.

How does Max do his homework?

My son has a set plan. He gets up in the morning, eats, showers, and gets dressed. After that he sits on the couch in the living room and does his work. The television is off and there is no music so it is very quiet.

In the meantime I am in the kitchen washing leftover dishes from the night before and setting up for breakfast and the rest of the morning.

At the same time my wife is in the basement doing laundry. She also feeds and cleans up after the cats. Then she makes sure Max’s backpack is ready for school.

We have been lucky so far. Max loves school and can’t wait to get there every morning. He also loves to learn so we don’t have to bribe or threaten him to get his homework done.

But he likes to do it quickly. From the time he sits down until he is finished it might take him 20 minutes.

If he has any questions he calls my wife in. She walks him through the problem he is having and allows him to come up with the correct answer. I think she would make a great teacher but her disabilities have kept her from pursuing this as a career.

When he is done he brings all of his homework to his Mother for review. If she finds any mistakes she will again help him figure out how to correct them.

But sometimes, like this morning, in his haste his work will be unreadable. In instances like this he will have to copy over his homework so that his teachers will be able to read it.

And don’t get me wrong, it is not always easy. Sometimes if Max finds that he has made a mistake on something he thought was perfect the meltdown starts. Usually we can circumvent it but when we can’t a timeout will result.

Generally it is completed without a fuss. It gets stored in his backpack. He is now ready and waiting to be picked up.

So, how do your kids do their homework? Do they have a structure set up? Do you use any other methods to make sure it gets done?

I have written several posts on how “it takes a village to raise a child”. Too many parents assume they have all the answers when it comes to bringing up their own. Others admit that they aren’t confident that they really know what to do. Still others just try to “wing it”; live day by day and hope their choices are the right ones. And all are stunned if their children grow up badly stunted morally and ethically.

I am a firm believer that people shouldn’t do it alone. Talk to other parents, search for information online, and read constantly. I have even suggested parenting books to help in the process.

Larry Winget, in his book “Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible, Productive Adults”, states that every parent should have a plan. Know exactly how you are going to raise your kids. If you follow a step by step process and keep the end in mind you will raise a responsible adult.

This made me think and I started by asking myself some hard questions:

What kind of man do I want Max to become?

He must be:

• Honest

• Forthright

• A good provider

• A good family man

• Even tempered

• A hard worker

• Respected

He must understand and practice:

• truth

• honor

• loyalty

• commitment

He should also enjoy life and enjoy his family.

What will Max need to know to be that man?

Because he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome he needs to understand that he may have to be on some type of medication as an adult. He will also need to know the tools to circumvent the symptoms of each of these.

Like other children he will have to learn the tools to:

• control his temper

• control his language

• interact productively with other people

• be respectful

Have I taught him anything yet that will get Max there?

This is a hard question for me. I know he has learned a lot but in his frustration he forgets.

But he does know how to protect his Mom from threats. He knows how to treat her with respect because I have seen him do it.

He understands respecting the truth but at 9 years old he has been testing the “lying” waters.

He works hard when he is in “production mode”.

What else will I need to teach Max?

I need to step up my modeling behaviors. Max needs to see how I:

• treat my wife well

• treat him well

• work harder and better

• take control of discipline, family life, and spirituality

• control frustration

• do my best

• enjoy life

I have to teach him morals and ethics.

I need to find and teach the tools that will help him succeed.

I have to teach him to implement what he has already learned from me. Right now he knows a lot. For example, he knows how to respect his mother. But until he learns and integrates the tools that control his anger and impulsivity he will continue to ignore what he knows.

Right now I have been relying on his teachers, mentor, play therapist, and advocate to teach him what he should know. This is okay. I believe “it takes a village…” but I need to be more proactive so that I know their plan and can make suggestions for improvement. I need to take more of the responsibility of raising him too.

For me this is a first draft. As I go along and as Max gets older I expect that I will be modifying both this lists and the way I train him.

Because, let’s face it, I want Max to succeed just like other parents want their children to be successful.

My son has two friends, a brother and sister. The boy is a year older than Max, who is 9. The girl is a year younger.

They are the greatest kids. Both really like to play with Max and truth be told I think the girl has a bit of a crush on him.

If they are around they will come over and play for hours. We never had to worry about them until the day that they were climbing a tree in back and the girl fell off. I heard the scream and ran out in my stocking feet to find her on the ground; tears streaming down her face.

I walked her home; I was still in my socks and she was still sobbing. I left the boys playing in the yard. I talked to her Mom who checked her out and found nothing wrong.

This was about a year ago and both still come over when they are available.

It is good for Max since he has a lot of anxieties. He finds it very difficult to go up to any friend’s door and ring the bell to find out if they are home. He always insists that either my wife or I walk him over and either stand close while he knocks; or knock ourselves.

For sometime I have been trying to get him to handle it himself without having a parent hovering. When I go with him I hang back at the end of the driveway or a house or two away and insist he handle it himself. When we go to the two sisters that live close to us I have told him that girls don’t like to see a boy’s parents around when he comes knocking at the door.

“But they aren’t my girlfriends!”

“Doesn’t matter.”

That hasn’t worked too well.

I’ve since discovered that he is not worried about ringing the doorbell. His problem is that he is afraid he is going to hear the word “No”.

“No, Billie is not at home.”

“No, Janie can’t come out right now. Maybe after dinner.”

“No, Jack is too tired.”

When this happens he will say good bye. But he holds himself together until he is out of sight and then he will run home crying.

Rejection is a tough thing for him.

Since I discovered this I am not so insistent that he be by himself. However, I have to find out how to help him through his rejection problem.

But back to the brother and sister; he has always had this same issue going to see them. At least with his other friends he will stay and play after sending us home. That is, he doesn’t need us there to watch him play. It is different at this house. If they can’t come home with us but want him to stay he insists that we stay with him.

I have told him I won’t hang around just to watch three kids play. If I don’t, he goes home leaving them watching him sadly from their driveway.

I never understood why until my wife discovered the reason. It is their parents. They seem very nice. I enjoy talking to them. Max’s problems arise after we are gone. Apparently when they are home during the day they always have a beer bottle in their hands. I don’t know if they drink enough to be called alcoholics though I haven’t seen any of it.

If that wasn’t enough if the girl does something inappropriate Mom calls her a “F*&^%*&^ B%^&$”. And she has no problem calling the boy an “A$$^#^&*”.

I don’t believe that they have said or done anything to Max but he feels very uncomfortable being there. My wife doesn’t think he is afraid that they will do the same to him; just that he is worried about the whole environment. His own parents don’t drink and they never swear at him. I don’t think he understands other parents doing that to their kids.

Every day there seems to be something new that opens my eyes to my son’s issues. It’s not always the children with disorders that have problems. Sometimes the ‘normal” kids have it rough too.

Oh man, it’s too early for this!!

Max and I are trudging up a hill deep in the forest. But it is only 5 o’clock in the morning!

My son was several feet ahead of me and I wanted to sneak up behind him and grab him. My mind was willing but my legs came to a stop. They were struggling. Um, excuse me, I can usually dance up this hill, am I that tired? In a word, Yes!

So why are we out here this early in the morning?

Max often wakes up at 5 but sometimes like today, even earlier. The standard procedure calls for his mom to go in to be with him. Sometimes they both fall asleep again; other times he is up and ready to start the day. This was one of the latter.

There was a difference however. Today he called for dad instead of mom! Even though I was sound asleep at the time, it was music to my ears. And truth be told, my wife was happy too. It was good for her because she could sleep longer. And it was good for me because I generally feel a little left out that he has no interest in me early on.

I went into his room to find that he was a bundle of energy today. I knew that unless I did something quickly his mother would not get any sleep at all. I suggested we walk down to the park. I waited for his answer with bated breath, worried that he would say no. He generally likes to stick around the house this early in the morning.

As I feared he did say no but he followed that up with a request to climb the hill. Hey, even better!

Why am I excited about this? There are several reasons:

• I really enjoy being out in the woods and climbing the hill.

• It means I can get some exercise in early.

• I will be with my son.

The most important reason however is that intense exercise early in the morning has a calming effect on Max before his meds start working. Generally when he gets up this early he is wild and very quick to anger. As a result he will yell and use the most foul language.

When we get out in nature he settles down and is much happier. It doesn’t completely stop the anger. He had one outburst this morning before the bus came but it thankfully lasted only one minute.

So here we were climbing the hill. The sun was shining and even though it was cool I was wearing shorts. And yes, my legs struggled. Max slowed down to check on me a couple of times but then he would continue on ahead. Yeah, thanks kid!

When we reached the top we burst out of the trees onto a grassy sward with a stone bench at the top. We sat for a minute staring out at the skyline. It was a blue and perfect morning. I drank some water and Max, decadent boy, had a couple of swigs of chocolate milk.

I pointed off into the distance, “I think we are looking at New Hampshire out there.” I mentioned a couple of friends of ours that live there and I wondered what they were doing then.

Max responded that one was one his way to work and the other was probably just going to bed after working all night. We laughed and I suggested we head home so Max could finish his homework before he took off to work too. “Daddy, you mean school!”

And we headed down the hill while wishing we could spend more time just enjoying the day together exploring the forest.

My son Max and I had just spent a wonderful day in Maine. We headed home at 6:30 p.m. We were tired and I was hungry. Max had had a hot dog and ice cream with the boys he had been playing with.

It was a beautiful evening and there were not too many cars on the highway.

Once, we had to swerve passed the rubber from a semi truck tire that was lying on the road. Max wanted to know why it was there and I told him the truck had probably gotten a flat and the rubber just blew off. We continued to discuss it a little more as we drove.

We stopped to pay the toll in New Hampshire and continued on our way down Route 95. But almost immediately after the toll booth the car started to vibrate. I didn’t like this; I had borrowed the car for the day since mine was in the shop. I now figured our first stop would be at the mechanic’s to find out what the problem was.

Max later told me that what happened next sounded like someone was shooting at us. The right front tire blew in a cloud of smoke. I had to use every ounce of strength to keep from losing control of the car. I was slowly able to guide the car into the breakdown lane on the right hand side. As we came to a stop I looked into the rear view mirror and saw a lot of the tire in pieces flying in between the cars coming down the road.

We got out of the car to inspect the damages. As I expected, the tire was blown out. But what surprised both of us was that part of the bumper had been ripped off as well. We were looking at a hole directly into the engine.

I didn’t waste any time calling AAA to get a tow truck. As I talked to the girl on the phone she sounded horrified at what had happened especially knowing that my 9 year old son had been in the back seat. She promised to get a truck out as quickly as possible.

A few minutes later a state trooper pulled over to see if we were okay. After I informed him that a tow truck was on the way he left after promising he would check back to make sure we were able to get away.

To stay out of danger Max and I moved over to a grassy bank that ran along the highway. We sat down, Max with his legs crossed and feet on his thighs and I with mine stretched out. We waited with his head on my arm and we watched the traffic flying by. Yes, once we were stopped the number of cars seemed to get a lot heavier.

And now we waited. It wasn’t so bad. It was a beautiful evening and the sun was still shining. There was a country smell in the air and it was so relaxing sitting on the grass. Eventually however the spell was broken when the truck arrived.

The driver pulled over in front of us and we went to meet him. He looked over the damages and then asked if we had a spare. I didn’t know since we had borrowed the car that morning. We pulled open the trunk and checked. Low and behold, underneath a lot of junk was one of those new tiny “donut” tires. He told me he could change the tire or tow the car.

I was still shaken from the blow out and there was no way I wanted to drive the car again that night with Max in the car so I requested that he tow it. My son was excited; this meant that he would be sitting in the cab. Once the car was loaded up in we got.

Max was in heaven. Here we were driving down the road in a truck! And if he looked behind us he could see the car sitting on the flat bed. For 45 minutes we laughed and joked with the driver before being dropped off at my mechanics’. This certainly wasn’t the way I had planned on getting the car in but it least it was there.

Max has been calling our road trip an unexpected adventure. Yes, the “gunshots” frightened him but he was comforted knowing that Dad, the tow truck driver, and AAA were keeping him safe.

And, despite what could have happened, this was a great day. Max and I just did some father and son stuff. We ended up being away from home for almost 12 hours. Not once did either one of us have to worry about ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, ODD, or even the sensory issues.

This was our day. The car problems didn’t ruin it. Nothing did. Give me more days like this!

Have you seen any of the 3D movies that have been coming out lately? Because of the nature of the technology we are finding them to be a lot more expensive than regular movies. If you are like us you tend to forego the more expensive ones. But sometimes one appears that is worth the extra money.

Recently I, and several other people, received a message in our Facebook accounts about a new movie called “How To Train Your Dragon“.  I had seen previews and ads for it and it seemed like a decent animated movie but nothing that I would lose sleep over if I missed it.

The message, however, contradicted what I had been thinking. It was from a man that I trust wholeheartedly. He had taken his young son to the 3D version and he raved about it! He said it is an excellent father and son movie. He and his son had a blast!

So of course I planned to take Max. It took some time. With vacation week and other commitments it just wasn’t happening. I had hoped to get some rain during Max’s days off. We would then be able to do it but no such luck.

Anyway we finally went yesterday. It was around dinnertime so by then I was pretty hungry and I knew that Max would have to eat too. Generally when we go to the movies he wants popcorn with lots of that fake butter and blue drinks. My wife and I have found that after eating either of these things he acts out worse than usual so we don’t allow him to get them anymore.

Of course these were the first things he asked for. I said “no”. But unlike other times he didn’t fuss. I got him a hotdog and nachos with cheese. When we went to get our seats, as usual he grabbed the top two spots in the IMAX 3D theater. I wasn’t too thrilled because I not only had people in front of me but also an iron railing.

But all of this was forgotten when the lights went out and the movie started. Max and I put on our 3D glasses and got lost in it. Initially the action bothered me because it tends to rev him up. A lot of action brings out many of the symptoms of his Bipolar, Asperger’s, and ADHD. But as the movie continued I noticed he was completely engrossed and eventually so was I.

There were several things going on at once. There was all of the action which makes it a great guy film to share with your son. There was also the interaction between the macho Viking dad and his decidedly non-Viking son. It showed what could be good and bad in relationships and how to learn from mistakes.

Being wrapped up in the surround sound and the 3 dimensional action allowed us to share a lot of what was going on. Several times I reached over and squeezed Max’s arm to emphasize certain things that happened like when Dad expressed his love for his boy.

When the movie was over we shared a closeness that we don’t usually have. And yes the action did hype him up enough by the time we got home so that we didn’t think he was going to go to sleep on time but it all worked out in the end.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the movie. There is so much that I can learn from it. I look at my son and I see a lot of that boy. Both are different. Both have dads that have trouble appreciating that difference. Both want to be loved and accepted by their fathers. And often they don’t get what they need. And the dad would like them to be “normal”.

Max has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome. He cannot be forced into being a “regular” kid. But at the same time he needs the love and acceptance that any kid needs whether they are “normal” or not.

I’ve been calling him “Hiccup”, the name of the boy in the film. He likes it; hugs me every time I do it. He calls me “Hiccup” too. Hmm, I wonder if this means something.

Dads, experience this 3D movie with your sons. Moms, either push Dad to do it or do it yourself; there is a strong girl’s role in this too.

Let’s appreciate the differences our children have and let’s enjoy a movie that supports those differences.

I’ve posted a lot about my son’s addiction to buying things.  Give him a dollar and he wants to buy a jet.  If he gets 50 cents he uses it to get a fake tattoo.  If he can’t find what he wants he will still get something different rather than go some place else.

But if he cannot find anything that he likes or that he can afford his anxiety levels start to rise.  The longer it takes the more frustrated he becomes until he gets either the one thing he doesn’t like or he walks out of the store in anger.

This is where I learned to say “No”.  Whenever we go to a store all he hears is:

“No.”

“Not today.”

“Put it on your wish list.”

And it goes on and on the more things he sees that he wants to buy.  And frankly, I’ve told him that if he wants to get anything he will have to use his own money because I am not going to buy things just because he wants them.

There are exceptions to this rule.  If we go to a museum I will let him get something in the gift shop.  If we go to the golf range he can get an ice cream.  Let’s face it I do like buying things for him but I know he has to learn to not only take care of his money but he also has to learn not to buy so much.

On our recent trip to Battleship Cove I knew he would want to go to the gift shop so I made sure I had money for that stop.  Driving down all he talked about was a bedroll he wanted to get.  It had “USS Massachusetts” emblazoned on it and he expected it to be perfect to use instead of our sleeping bags.

But horror of horrors, when we got to the store they were out of bed rolls.  He had been dreaming about getting one since our last trip a year ago.  So now what?  When Max gets focused on something it is hard for him to change gears.  But luckily there were a lot of things to his liking.  He decided he wanted a t-shirt.  But not just any old shirt, he wanted the one with the skulls and cross bones all over it.

“Please Daddy, it’s only $25.00.”

Nope, not going to happen.  As I told him not only was the price over the budget but he could only get something that had to do the ships at the Cove.  Okay, he finally settled for a t-shirt with the “Lionfish” submarine stenciled on it.  Funny thing, it was an extra large; he is a small 9 year old.  The shirt won’t even fit me.

Later when we got home his mother asked him since it was so large would Daddy be wearing it.

“No Mommy, it’s too big for him!”  I take a medium, sometimes I can fit in a large.

“Then isn’t it too large for you?”

“No, of course not.  I’m going to wear it to bed.”  After he bought it he wore it the whole weekend around the ships.

I didn’t mind getting it for him even though it was so large.  He loved it and for $7.00 we couldn’t go wrong.   And since there was a little money left in the budget he was able to pick up a pair of dog tags to wear around his neck.

Very successful shopping trip!

My son Max is an “old soul”.  There are many different meanings for this term such as:

I don’t believe my son is one of these.  When people meet him, however, they get a sense he may be older than he is.  I believe this is because he thinks so himself.  He considers himself an adult trapped in a child’s body.

Because of this he believes that he should be able to converse with adults on an equal basis.  He should also be able to tell other adults, including his parents, what to do and when to do it.  This can be a cause for annoyance when he needs to be disciplined.

The one thing, however, that other people find initially cute but later can annoy them is the way that he assumes that he can automatically call them by their first names.  I first noticed it when I heard him being very personal with his Cub Scout den leader.  He wasn’t calling him “Mister ….”; it was just “Bob”.  Finding this a little disconcerting I pulled Bob aside and asked  him what he preferred.  It turns out he would rather “Mister” along with either his last or first name.  ”Mister Bob” works fine for him and he thanked me for asking.

Ever since then I will correct Max if he forgets the terms “Mr”, “Mrs”, “Ms”, or “Miss” when addressing adults.  For example, he always refers to his teacher as “Dana”.  I will respond with “Miss Dana”.  The first time I did it he told me that she was married and didn’t like “Miss”.  My answer was that he should then call her either “Mrs Dana” or “Ms Dana”.  I didn’t bother with the last name since all the teachers use their first names preceded by “Mr” or “Miss” in his school.

In a recent post I talked about a trip we made to Battleship Cove in Fall River, Massachusetts.  While there I noticed he was constantly referring to one of the dads as “Jack”.  When I mentioned it to the dad he said that Max had asked him if it was okay and he said yes, it didn’t bother him.  I smiled and shrugged; Jack didn’t know what he was in for.

For the next 12 hours Max was constantly insisting that “Jack” look at this or come over here or get him that or…  Literally every 2 minutes he was demanding something of Jack.

Shortly after our conversation I heard him calling another parent by her first name, “Barbara”.  Again, I asked her if this was okay and she told it me it was fine.  Several hours later she found me and told me it was bothering her that she had agreed to it.  No wonder, like with Jack, Barbara was hearing her first name being used constantly by this 9 year old boy.  She was finding it very disrespectful.  But she did not want to be called by her last name; “Ms Barbara” worked better for her.

Okay, from then on whenever Max called her or mentioned her name I would correct him by saying “Ms Barbara”.  At the same time Jack seemed to be ignoring him more and more when he would call him.   I started referring to him as “Mr Jack” from then on.  By the end of the trip my son was calling them both by their preferred methods.

I noticed two things as a result of this change:

When I was my son’s age there was a program on television about a young family.  After 45 years I can still “see” it in my head and I can “hear” their interactions.  One thing that struck me was that instead of calling their parents “Mom” and “Dad” they used their first names.  The first time I heard it I thought it was cool.  I tried referring to my parents by their first names but they stopped that very quickly.  They found it very disrespectful and I’ve never forgotten it.

I wasn’t doing it out of disrespect and I certainly don’t think Max is.  He has very few friends; most kids don’t know how to handle him when is showing asperger’s, bipolar, or adhd symptoms.  As a result he spends most of his time with adults: his teachers, counselors, advocate, therapist, and parents.  So not only does he have difficulty relating to other kids but he also ends up trying to treat adults as equals.

My little “old soul” is learning how to be respectful.  He is also learning how to play with other children his age.  This is because we are not only introducing him to more and more kids but his counselor is teaching him how to play with them.

Will he always be an “old soul”?  Only time will tell.