Since I wrote my post on “Fireproofing the Family” I hadn’t planned on writing an update for awhile. Things are always changing. The movie, Fireproof, that prompted the post is about a man who uses the book “The Love Dare” in an attempt to save his marriage. Its purpose is to improve marital relationships. My wife and I are parents of a special needs child. Since divorce rates for parents like us is much higher than the 50 percent average statistic my purpose is to strengthen not only our relationship with each other but also with our son. The book has tasks to be completed for each of 40 days. In the movie it took the main character more than 40 days to complete them all. It now appears that it is going to take me quite awhile too.

I started task 1 on Monday. This appeared to be a good one since the book suggested it was an easy one to start with but it has proved to be difficult for me. What is a big problem in arguments? Anger and the things said because of it. The first day is spent working on letting go of it.

Um, okay but I have always found it difficult to control my anger when I’ve been “done wrong”. I’ve been trying to figure out how to stop it but I was convinced that it was just an inherent part of my makeup. Let it go? It comes on so quickly that I don’t have a chance and then I want to wallow in my anger once it has me in its control. I’ve been looking for years for a way out. I’ve been to therapy, tried meditation, considered medication but nothing helped. I’ve searched for road maps in books and on the web to resolve it. Something like: do step 1, then move on to step 2, etc; but I haven’t found anything.

The book, however, showed me a different way of doing it. Look at it as a choice. I can choose to be angry or I can choose to be patient. It reminds me of a course I took at Landmark Education. It suggested that humans tend to react to situations or choices that we have.

For example, you have a vacation coming up and you are trying to decide whether to spend it camping in the mountains or tanning at the beach. You don’t like the beach so you have to go to the mountains. Was this a choice? Not really, you are reacting to the fact that you don’t want to go to the beach.

Now look at it a different way. List the positives and negatives of going to the mountains. Do the same for beach. Based on your results what do you choose? In this case you are taking control of the choices and you are making a decision, you aren’t reacting. “I choose the mountains because this is what I want to do”

I remember going through all this “choice” stuff during the course but I didn’t think I could use it for my anger. Choose to be patient? I at least figured I would give it a try. So far it seems to have worked pretty well. “I choose to be patient” has become my mantra this week. I have been saying it over and over again when I get into a situation with my wife or son and have had mixed results so far.

I think it has confused my wife a bit. I haven’t told her I’m doing this. Like the main character in the movie I’m working on it on my own. In several instances she has reacted as if I am angry even when I am smiling and talking calmly. When I have not responded to her anger she has left the room and settled down. Only once have I almost lost it but I started repeating my mantra again and the anger eventually went away. It took awhile but as long as I concentrated on the mantra and not the things she was doing that were making me angry it didn’t escalate in my mind.

I’ve seen better results with my 8 year old son, he has had fewer explosions with me this week since I haven’t responded in anger to the things he has been doing. And last night he snuggled up against me and fell asleep watching television. This doesn’t happen too often.

I said that I think this program is going to take longer than 40 days. Today is the fifth day I have been working on task 1. I’m going to be ready to go to task 2 tomorrow. This doesn’t mean that task 1 is complete. I will probably be practicing it during the whole project if not for the rest of my life.

But you know what? I have no complaints.

39 book days left to go!!