I met Rob about 11 years ago.  He is a big man and very powerful.  This wasn’t surprising, his dad is built the same way and reportedly his grandfather was as well.  When I met him he had several restraining orders against him.  They had been taken out by his siblings and by his parents.  He was not allowed anywhere near their homes.

You see, Rob is a mean drunk.  When he is sober he will give you the shirt off his back.  He will help you in anyway he can.  He will give you twice what you have asked for.  But when he has been drinking you don’t want to be within a mile of him.  In those days there were bets on when he would be found dead in a gutter somewhere.  It was always believed he would be killed by someone who had taken offense to his anger.  And he was well known to the police; he spent many a time in a holding cell.

Rob started drinking when he was 12 years old.  I don’t know the reasons why he picked up that first drink.  I do know that his dad was a heavy drinker; he had been one for over 30 years.  Ron started drinking the year his father quit; dad had been sober for 26 years when I met them.  Rob spent his first 12 years experiencing the drunkenness, the absenteeism (dad was always in bars), and lack of money (it all went to booze).  And dad was always angry but apparently never violent.

Why did his dad drink?  Well, all his brothers and friends drank.  It seemed to be something to pass the time.  I have not asked Rob why he drinks.

As he grew older he drank, served in the army, and drank.  He held countless jobs but lost them all through drinking.  He has been thrown out of many apartments and has been in and out of hospitals and halfway houses.  When we met he had just spent a period being homeless before going into yet another hospital.  I started hearing stories about him at that time but I got to know him through visiting him in the next halfway house.  When his stay in the house ended he tried again to make it on his own.  I don’t think he lasted a year before he was back in the hospital.

I can see a little of the pain in his life.  I started drinking when I was 9 years old; it made me forget that I was depressed.  In my late teens I discovered that I could get rid of the terrible hangovers by drinking more.  I missed many high school and college classes, and I was forever convincing teachers that there were problems at home and that’s why I missed their midterms.

But I really haven’t experienced the alcoholic’s pain and suffering.  When I stopped drinking it was more a conscious decision, it wasn’t the struggle that Rob and others go through.  I have been to both Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Alanon meetings to support Rob and his family but it has only shown me a small part of their lives.

I have another friend who is also a recovering alcoholic.  He has never been to AA meetings and has never been in a hospital.  He was able to quit on his own but he says he eventually found out he could have a glass of wine with dinner without ending up going on binges.  He has been sober and doing this for at least 20 years.  He doesn’t believe in AA and he doesn’t believe alcoholism is a disease.  He sees it as an excuse and that anyone can stop if they really want to.

Do I believe him?  No, I don’t.  I have multiple sclerosis, this is real.  My son has Bi-Polar Disorder, which is real.  Addictions are real too!  I cannot stop my MS, Max cannot stop his BP, and addicts cannot just stop their addictions.

Interestingly enough when Rob was in the last hospital the doctor saw his file; it was fat from 30 years of use.  Unlike other doctors who had just treated the alcoholism, he realized that here was a man that was struggling very hard to quit drinking but couldn’t do it.  He decided to do some testing to find out if there was a different problem.    He discovered that Rob has Bi-Polar Disorder and has been using alcohol to self-medicate all of these years.

Okay, now we are seeing some light.  Rob is now on medication to treat the disorder.  It was enough to stop him from drinking.  He moved into an apartment and enrolled in college.  His goal is to get his masters in counseling so he can help other people like himself.  He has worked hard and stayed on the honor roll.  He bikes every day and still goes to his AA meetings regularly.  And he has been sober for over 4 years.  The restraining orders have since lapsed and he has made amends with his family.

I would like to say he has met his goals.  This June he planned to graduate with his bachelor’s degree and he wanted to move on to the master’s program in the Fall.  This past Christmas he had a slight set back which almost kept him out of school for the Spring semester.  It turned out he needed a medication change; once this was taken care of he was back on track.  And then 2 weeks ago I got a call from him.  His words were slurred and I knew he was gone again.  He had been trying to call another friend of his, maybe it was his AA sponsor, but got me instead.

He’s in the hospital again.  I don’t know when he is coming out; I would love to see him accomplish his goals.  Do I judge him?  I think not.  All I can do is help him as much as I can and pray.  I have too many issues of my own to worry about judging him.