Nervousness, shyness, social anxiety, or whatever you call this fear, people want to get over it.  Is there a drug that can stop it?  Well there are a lot of those things that can do that in the short run…at the expense of your health perhaps.  But you don’t want to stop nervousness; it is there for a reason.  It is related to our built in “fight or flight” mechanism.  It makes you aware of a potential danger and gives you an opportunity to think of a course of action.  In essence, you want to manage your nervousness.

I speak from a lot of experience here.  Up until I was about 7 years old nothing bothered me.  Being alone in a dark room was okay.  When I met people I could have easy conversations with them.  I used to see groups of kids I had never met before and I would join in their play and have a good time.

But once I hit 7 things began to change.  I remember that I noticed that a lot of kids were afraid of the dark; maybe I should be afraid.  Perhaps I was becoming afraid at that time anyway but I remember trying to will myself to fear.  Whatever the reason, I was successful.  I could never again go upstairs to my room at night or into the basement if the lights were off.

It got worse later on when I saw a movie called “The River of Blood”.  Whenever someone in the movie got into the water a bloody wave would wash across them and much like being eaten by piranha, their bones were scraped clean.  Now I couldn’t go into any room alone whether the lights were on or off.

I also lost the ability to talk to people.  I couldn’t walk up to those kids anymore and just play.  I couldn’t even go outside by myself.  And as the years progressed it got worse and worse.  I couldn’t go to the gas station or to a bank unless someone was with me.  It made it tough on my job especially since at one point I had over 30 people reporting to me.

It may seem strange to a lot of people but until I was 39 years old I needed a light on when I slept; even when I was traveling for my company.  I also found it difficult to speak in meetings.  I could handle one-on-one discussions but even they were difficult.

A couple of things changed my life.  First I went through the Sterling Men’s Weekend which is very intensive.  Once I came out of the weekend I never needed lights again.  Half the time I don’t even bother turning them on when I need to go into the basement in the middle of the night.

Oh, gas stations and banks?  Pshaw, who needs company…

I had to go a different route to be able to peak at meetings and in public.  In the mid-1970s my Dad had taken the Dale Carnegie Public Speaking course.  When he graduated he joined a group called Toastmasters.  I was amazed at the change in him.  He went from being a bookish school teacher to speaking at conferences for two and a half hours without notes.  My Mom said that if they went away on a plane trip he would disappear and she would find out later he had met everyone on the plane.

Knowing how terrified it made me to talk to people he suggested I get involved in the group.  No way!!  Just the thought of it made me break out in a cold sweat and I would shake in fear.

It took me 20 years but I finally took the Dale Carnegie course but sadly unlike my father I got nothing out of it.  This made me forget about Toastmasters altogether.  As a result I suffered for many more years in silence.  When I moved to my present home, if I was at the library at night I would hear the local toastmasters meeting.  I would shake my head and sneak by.

Then 4 years ago I read they were having an open house; so I went.  I wasn’t impressed with the guest speaker; he was jumping up and down a lot, and pretty much making a fool of himself.  But I saw something in it that could help me, so I joined.  Today, 4 years later, I have lost count of how many speeches I have made.  I am moving through the speaking levels.  I have been an officer of the club.  And I can speak in public and at meetings.

So, have I gotten rid of my nervousness, anxiety, and shyness?  No, they are still there but the important thing is they don’t rule my life anymore.  At the beginning of this post I mentioned that you want to manage your nervousness, not get rid of it.  Being anxious going into a dark room makes you aware of what is happening around you.  If you are nervous in public it makes you observe the people that are with you.

When you allow the nervousness to take over then you can either make bad choices or hide from life because your mind goes blank.  Managing these fears gives you the opportunity to think up ways to handle the things happening around you because your mind doesn’t shut off anymore.

My son Max is now 8 years old.  I have noticed him following the same pattern I did when I was his age.  My goal is to help him manage his anxiety and shyness so that he doesn’t spend the next 40 years battling them.