Posts tagged ‘abuse’

Do you ever wonder if you are raising your kids correctly?

A lot of parents don’t…

I was one of those.

I knew how my parents raised my siblings and me. We all turned out okay.

No we didn’t! We all have problems of one kind or another.

When it comes to raising my kid I had vowed that I wouldn’t raise him the way my parents and my uncle did me.

But this is what I know and I’ve noticed that I am doing the same thing.

I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot about abuse and good parenting.

I’m the first to admit that my skills are certainly not the best. But I started thinking…how bad are they?

So I started researching what is considered abuse, what is good discipline, and what is the difference between them.

It really seemed like a lot of “what one person considers abuse another person sees it is good parenting”.

I used to belong to a church that believes that when disciplining a child you must put a wooden spoon to good use.  In fact, in one family I know just the mention of the spoon causes the children to behave properly.

But I noticed that they get very frightened and begin to tremble at the thought of it.

This church believes that abuse is not using the spoon at all…because your kids won’t grow up to be fine adults.

But what ever your beliefs do you know what abuse is?  Do you really know what good discipline is?

It really opened my eyes to discover that yes I had some good parenting skills but some of the things I was doing can be considered abusive.

Now that I am aware I’m trying to doing things differently.

I decided to take what I learned and put it together in an eBook to help other parents out that are like me.

Where are you at?

• Are you satisfied with your parenting skills?

• Are you, like me, unsure that everything you are doing is “good parenting”?

• Do you know that “something isn’t quite right”?

Where ever you are at with your parenting skills, read my free eBook.  Find out what I have discovered.  For each of your skills you can decide: is it abuse or not.

Once a week I go to my Mother’s to take care of different chores. For example, every other week I mow her lawn. Other times I will paint doors or chairs. I pretty much take care of the things that my Dad would if he was still here.

And every week her next door neighbor comes out to talk. I always have to finish up the conversation quickly because if I let him chatter on I never get any work done. I am always very polite but I keep my answers short and sweet. I will eventually tell him that I don’t have time to continue if he doesn’t take any hints.

Now I don’t do this because he likes to prattle on and on. I have many friends that talk constantly and I can sit and listen to them for hours.

And it’s not just because my time is short. I just don’t like the guy! When I see him the gorge rises up inside of me and I want to throw up.

Interestingly enough it didn’t start out this way. You see, he was born and raised in his house. He is about 63 years old now and has never left it. He still lives with his mom. He has been married and has kids. At one time they all lived in this house. But he is divorced now and still hasn’t left.

Coincidentally his best friend lives behind my Mother. This man was also born and raised in that house. He inherited it when his parents died.

I grew up at my Mother’s and I moved out almost 40 years ago but I still visit her weekly.

When I was 4 years old I idolized them. They were big boys; at least 8 years older than me. I used to follow them around whenever they were playing in the neighborhood. Being older they did not like a “baby” tagging along when they were doing their “manly” stuff. They would torture me until I would run home crying.

Mom would keep me away from them as much as she could but I would always find a way back.

During this time I had a best friend. It was a little girl that lived behind us and to the left of one of the boys. We used to have a blast. We would spend a lot of time in her sandbox shoveling sand and making piles. I would wander over in the morning and spend the day with her. I would only take a break to run home for lunch.

Everything changed for me the day that I went over only to find the sandbox missing; the cars gone; and the windows dark. I rang the doorbell but no one answered. I finally, sadly, went back home.

“Mom, where is Sandy?”

“She and her family moved.”

“What??”

That was the last time I ever saw her. I supposed her dad got a new job and they had to go some place else. I accepted it but I’ve never forgotten her.

As I grew up I found more friends to play with. The two boys got older and, I assume, started hanging out with their friends at bars. I haven’t really seen the one in back for years and years. And as I mentioned I still see the one next door. They both would be at least 63 now.

Over the years I have noticed a slight dislike for both of them but I always assumed this was because of the way they used to treat me. But then that changed a couple of years ago.

Mom and I had been talking about the neighborhood. At the time we were sitting on her back porch. I happened to glance at the corner house where my little friend used to live. I mentioned her to Mom and commented that I always wondered what had happened to her.

She looked at me in surprise, “you don’t know?”

Know what? It turns out they hadn’t moved because Dad had found a job somewhere else. My friend had been molested on a regular basis. Quite often this sort of thing happens between older and younger family members but in this case it was different.

It seems her parents had discovered the molestations and reported it to the police. And they knew exactly who had done it: the boy next door and the boy in back. And each time it happened they would make another report. But every time the police just shook their heads; there was nothing they could do.

This was way back in 1959. In those days there were no laws against this sort of thing. Not only that not too many people believed that there was any such thing as child molestation. The police just told Sandy’s parents that their daughter probably enticed these boys.

Come on, she was 4 years old! What did she know about seducing boys. These kids were 12 years old; they should never have touched her! I like to think that if it happened today it would be different.

Because they couldn’t get any help for their daughter this family just moved away never to be seen again. I don’t even know if my parents had ever been in touch with them at all over the years. I doubt it; Mom didn’t mention it when we were talking about it.

I was 53 years old when I found out. My 4 year old self went into a rage over what happened. Not only had I lost my best friend but she had been hurt by 2 very sick individuals.

I don’t obsess over it. After all it happened 51 years ago. I don’t know where she is but I know neither boy has fared well in life. The one in back never married and always lived with his parents until they died. Now he has the house. I occasionally see him puttering around in the yard in bib overalls, a pony tail, and a belly that hangs down to his knees.

The one next door still speaks to me but he hasn’t changed since he was a kid. He has always lived with his mother. He is divorced and rarely sees his kids. He has never held onto a job very long and he spends a lot of time smoking and wandering around in his yard.

But I think about that little girl whenever I am working at Mom’s and he comes out of the house. I clench my teeth and pray that he doesn’t come over to talk.

To be fair this might have just been two 12 year olds experimenting. It was not okay!! But maybe they grew out of it and have just tried to lead normal lives.

But I like to think that little girl had somehow made sure these two men weren’t successful.

And every time I see them I will continue to clench my teeth and just be polite.

Have you ever been accused of child abuse? It can feel like a kick in the stomach. It has become one of the first lines of offense in divorce cases as several of my readers can attest. What can you do? What happens when it is proven that you aren’t guilty?

In a previous post on Child Abuse Accusation I mentioned a Georgia Kindergarten teacher who was up on charges of sexually abusing children including her own.

Since then she has been found not guilty of all charges. She was interviewed on Good Morning America this morning. She is struggling to get her life back after all of the accusations and the trial. Even though she is free there is still a pall hanging over her.

So many people have not forgiven her or still consider her guilty she has had to move out of town. She cannot get her job back. She is fighting to get her children returned to her; they have been gone for two years.

This is her aftermath: she has lost her name, job, and children. Where does she go from here? In this case she is suing to right not only what was done to her but also what has been done to the children and to other people that are falsely accused.

But you might say these children recounted horrific stories of sexual abuse. Were they lying? In this case and many others what are known as “false memories” have been implanted in these kids’ minds. What this means is that they are questioned repeatedly about situations and details until the child actually starts believing that they have happened. The story becomes real for them. They are now victims of abuse even if it didn’t happen.

In general the questioners are not out to get the accused. They honestly believe they are doing the right thing. But they have not been trained in correctly interviewing a child and this is the result.

Afterwards so many people believe the children’s stories that they cannot accept it if the accused goes free. If the defendant is found innocent he will have to work hard to repair his reputation.

The children, who are the victims through either the abuse or the system, must heal somehow in the aftermath.

The schoolteacher is trying to change the system so only trained people will interview children suspected of being abused. This should reduce the number of people being accused of abuse and protect the mental health of the children involved.

But not all accused abusers are innocent. A reader of my last post seemed to think I was implying that we were wasting our time going after these people. There are too many predators out there for us to waste time on the innocent ones.

Again this morning, on the Today Show was a story about a former suspect in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case. She was the 6 year old girl who was sexually assaulted and murdered years ago. Now he is being accused of trying to start a child sex cult. So far they haven’t found him to prove this.

Even though it is only an allegation right now, this must be investigated.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a close friend of mine who may be reading this. He works with abused and sexually molested children on a daily basis. As a result I’ve met a few of them. They are great kids but in the aftermath of their abuse they are struggling to put the pieces of their lives back together. They have to learn that there are adults they can trust and who can help them through the pain.

We have to get the predators off the streets. At the same time we must not allow innocent people to be victimized. Doing both of these things will go a long way in protecting our kids. And reducing the impact of the aftermath!

Recently I wrote a post about a Georgia kindergarten teacher who has been brought up on child abuse charges. The jury is being sequestered today to come up with a verdict. But no matter what the results are who is going to win?

The Children?

It doesn’t matter whether the defendant is innocent or guilty; these kids are adversely affected. If the abuse actually occurred they have to live with what has been done to them. If they are experiencing false memories introduced by the parents or investigators they will be affected just as severely.

The trial has done them no good either. They had to testify and were questioned mercilessly. These experiences are a form of child abuse too.

It can be even worse if they care about their teacher.

A lot of times even though these kids are the victims they will blame themselves for what happened. And if their teacher is innocent how will they feel then if she goes to jail?

And what about long term? They will continue to think about and be affected by all of this for years. If the teacher is found guilty maybe it will lessen the kids’ pain a little bit but it will still be there. One woman I used to work with thinks she was molested by her uncle when she was 12. It was only one incident that she remembers. No other child has ever complained about being abused by him. But 40 years later she still hasn’t spoken to him and believes all of her problems are a result of what he may have done.

The Parents?

If the teacher is found guilty the parents will be mollified a bit. The will be glad that justice has been served…even if she is really innocent. But there will still be the problem of helping their children through the aftermath of the abuse, the trial, and the news.

They will also have to work through their anger and remorse. In a lot of cases they will blame themselves for putting their child in a harmful situation even though they didn’t know about it to begin with.

The Community?

This community has been torn apart. Some of the people side with the children. The others don’t believe that the teacher could do anything like this and have supported her all the way. Whichever way the verdict goes one side will be victorious; the other will believe that the justice system didn’t work.

Somehow these people will have to work to become a community again. It is a very small town and they won’t have a choice.

The Jurors?

Reportedly they have sat through very graphic evidence and testimony from both the children and the defendant. These people are shell shocked. They have heard both sides now and still don’t know what they believe happened.

They will be suffering from all the information they have been deluged with for some time. Did they win?

The Teacher?

Whether she is innocent or guilty she has already lost her job, her child, her family, and her friends. If guilty she will be spending a lot of her life in prison. If innocent she will probably have to move away. She may never be able to teach again. And who knows if she will get her child back. Can she win?

No matter what the verdict is in any case like this no one will come out as a winner. I am not saying that we should not protect our children from predators. We have to be careful about how we go about prosecuting these cases. We have to be really sure about the facts before going ahead with a trial. Witch hunts won’t help anyone, especially not our children.

And we have to take care of the children going through this as much as possible. We need to be sure that not only are the long term damages from the actual abuse addressed but also the effects of the trials. These cannot be taken lightly and the community has to be careful of the abuse that will be added on through investigations, adult badgering, and court appearances.

I don’t think there will be any “winners” in this case and I don’t think there are any clear winners in others like this. But I suppose we as a country have to muddle through and do our best just to get it right and protect our children.

Have you been reading about the Georgia kindergarten teacher that has been brought up on charges of child sex abuse?

Apparently this well-loved teacher has been having her way with the kids. She has since lost her job and her reputation while proclaiming her innocence. However, the only evidence that this happened is the testimony of the children themselves.

The problem that comes up for me here is that the 3 kids in question were 4 and 5 years old when this happened. Four years later they are being asked to tell their stories. After all of this time how much of this actually happened; how much has been added over the years; and how much has been instilled in them by well-meaning adults resulting in “false” memories.

If I was on the jury in this woman’s trial I would have questions that would need to be answered before I could come to a decision on her guilt or innocence. Two questions that come to mind are:

1. During the investigation what questions were the children asked?

These questions and how they are asked can make all the difference in the answers that young children give.  They want to give the “right” answers.  Often they will tell you what they think you want to hear.

Several years ago when my son Max was 4 years old he developed a very large blister on the top of his right foot. It was very painful causing him to cry uncontrollably. My wife and I knew how to take care of small ones but we had never seen one this large and it worried us. We took him to the emergency room at the local hospital.

After we had been reported for burning our son the result was a visit by a social worker. She sat with Max privately and asked him several questions:

“Have you ever been burned?”

“Yes.”

“How did it happen?”

“I was cooking on the stove.”

“Where were your parents at the time?”

“In the kitchen.”

“Were they helping you?”

“No.”

If she had completed her questioning here it didn’t look good for us. We were in the kitchen while he was playing with the stove and we didn’t do anything about it?

She asked one more question: “Can you show me what you were doing?”

Instead of going to the kitchen stove Max brought her down into the basement where he had a toy plastic one and began playing. She laughed.

Without that all important question we could have been cited for, at the very least, negligence.

In the teacher’s case:

• Were the right questions asked?

• Were enough questions asked?

• How were the questions asked?

If these questions are not asked correctly they can prompt false memories. These are the memories that have either been distorted or are of events that have never happened. Some “false memories are believed to be the result of the prodding, leading, and suggestions of therapists and counselors.”

The ex-wife of a friend of mine accused him of molesting their young daughter. When asked, the child denied that anything had ever happened with her father. Her mother refused to believe her and began taking her to see different psychiatrists. The first 14 found no evidence that dad had ever sexually abused the little girl. It took 5 years but mom finally found a psychiatrist who, after several months of prodding, was able to jog what he called was the child’s “suppressed” memories.

It took several court cases, expert witnesses, and eventually even the daughter herself to clear my friend of any wrongdoing.

2. Has it been determined who may have a grudge against the teacher?

In the last example the wife was determined to punish her husband for whatever crimes he may or may not have committed so she produced this story of child sexual abuse. Is there someone who dislikes this teacher enough to want to ruin her life?

A few years ago I read about a woman who was running a child care center out of her home. The state she lived in mandated that daycare must be available to children on welfare. In return the state paid the childcare fees for these kids. It sounded like a good deal however the state was always either late on payments or losing the monthly paperwork that these centers were required to submit.

To combat this the woman tried to form a union.

One day two children were dropped off at her house. They stayed almost two hours. Several days later charges were brought against her for sexually abusing both of them. The other childrens’ parents rushed to her defense. They had been with her for years and knew that she would never do anything like this. No matter, she was found guilty.

It later turned out that the state employee in charge of stopping the union had dropped her two grandchildren off at the woman’s house for safekeeping one day. They were there for only two hours. How was it they were the only kids ever abused?

After years of court cases the state agreed to drop all charges if she stopped doing childcare and left the state.

I am not suggesting that the children themselves have any motives. However, the adults around them do:

• Their parents are trying to protect them and are angry about what may have happened.

• Other adults may not like the teacher for some reason.

• The rest are well intentioned and are looking to right a wrong or a perceived wrong.

And there is a lot of child abuse. Approximately 5.8 million children are abused in the United States alone every year.  And it is projected that perhaps billions more worldwide suffer from it. Through my work with Suitcases 4 Kids I have personally met many kids who have been abused. People that do this should be brought to justice.

It is difficult not to jump to conclusions when it appears that children have not been protected. But we have to stop, ask the right questions, and do the research before determining guilt or innocence.

“Beep, beep, beep, beep…”

The sound of a truck backing up startled the couple out of sleep.  It was early morning and the sun was just coming up.  What was that?  Out of the bed they flew; almost falling down the stairs as they shouted for the kids.

Why all the commotion?  It dawned on them it was the trash truck coming down their street.  They had forgotten to put out the rubbish.  The reason for the upset was that the truck comes once every two weeks.  For a house with 2 adults and 3 children that can lead to a major backup if they miss it.

Now they are rushing around the house filling garbage bags as they go.  Their daughter stands strategically holding a bag open and Mom tosses bottles and cans from across the room into it.  She picks up an empty beer bottle and flips it into the air just as the youngest boy is crossing between them.  He gets hit on the arm, “Ow!”

Everyone stops to make sure he is okay before finishing up the job and rushing out the door.  They stare in horror as the truck passes their house without slowing down.  They never made it to the curb.

But it doesn’t stop there.  The young boy goes to school after bandaging up an arm that wasn’t even scratched.  Later on in the day his parents get a frantic call from the principal to get there as soon as possible.  They each leave work and arrive only to find two policeman hovering around their son preventing them from even getting near him.

Most families don’t come across an issue where a teacher has to report an incident like this but it happens all the time.  In a lot of states teachers, social workers, doctors, dentists, or anyone else who comes in regular contact with children and who has reason to believe one has been abused must call child protective services.  In Massachusetts they are called “mandatory reporters“.

It is a good thing but in cases such as the one depicted in the television show it can have a harrowing effect on innocent parents.  My wife and I went through that when our son Max was 4; he is 9 years old now.  He had been playing all day in the back yard.  When he got into the bath that night he started to scream.  He had a massive blister on the top of his right foot.  We had never seen anything like it and didn’t know how to treat it.  We made a “quick” trip to the emergency room.

After 6 hours we were told how to take care of it but in the mean time the doctor had called child services.  He believed we had actually burned Max’s foot and the blister was the result of second degree burns.  He allowed us to take our son home but he treated us like evil people.  He also warned us that we would be visited by a case worker.

Now we are worried.  Are we going to lose our son?  We called everyone we knew for help.  On the day the caseworker arrived we were a bundle of nerves.  What will they do?  Are they going to find out something that even we don’t know about?

The woman came in and sat at our table and talked to us.  She wanted to know what shoes Max was wearing that day.  She inspected them and we determined that they weren’t quite big enough for him.  How was it we didn’t notice?  Our anxiety levels rose even more.  She suggested the blister came from the stitching in the shoe after comparing it to his foot.

She then talked to Max.  Had he ever been burned?  He said yes.  Uh oh, when was this?  We didn’t know about that.  She asked him to show her how it happened.  Instead of taking her to the kitchen stove he brought her down into the basement.  Here he had a plastic toy stove that didn’t even have knobs to twist.  This is where he got burned.  She laughed and came back upstairs.

She informed us that she was closing the case because she was able to determine that there was no abuse.  But…it would stay active for a year and if there were any other reports it would be reopened.  Needless to say that was a long year for us.

Just like us we watched the family in the TV show become very anxious as they waited for their case worker.  The questions put them on edge because she asked each of them separately and, as it turned out, they all gave different answers.  Later after she left it got worse as they waited for her report.  When it was completed they found that they had been exonerated and could finally breathe easier.

Having a system like this is great for our kids.  The problem, as my wife mentioned to the caseworker, is that the families that are being dragged in are the good ones.  The others know how to hide the abuse.  This is not entirely true.  There are over 28,237 known abused children in Massachusetts alone.

None of us wants to see our kids hurt and this is one way to combat the problem.  Even if it means causing ulcers in some of us that have always tried to do the right thing.

I call her Little Girl Lost.  She was born to a nice young couple in their early twenties that seemed to have it made.  They were planning on settling down, getting married, and having the storybook life.  But something happened on the way: the little girl.  After she was born the man (boy) became verbally abusive to his fiancée:

• He didn’t like how she looked anymore; she’s fat and slobby!

• He also didn’t like how she would put in a hard day’s work but wouldn’t do all of the housework when she got home; she’s lazy and good for nothing!

• He especially didn’t like how he would have to take care of his new daughter if his fiancée had to work late; she’s a terrible mother!

When things got too much the mom took a small trip to visit her family several states away.  While gone the man (boy) went to court and started proceedings to get sole custody of the child.  Upon hearing this the mom raced home and attempted, with her lawyer, to stop the action.  But dad won, even though it was proven in court he had been steadily lying to the judge about his finances, his family life, and his residence.

The child is now 7 years old and she sees her mom one week per month.  Mom moved back with her family soon after the judge’s ruling 8 hours from her.  As part of the court order she must drive 4 hours to meet the child’s father half way to swap…that is, if the man (boy) bothers to even show up.  Many times mom makes the trip only to have to either go the whole distance to fight to see her daughter, or turn back home.

For a time Little Girl Lost slept on the couch in Dad’s apartment; he shared a bedroom with his girlfriend.  When he lost his job he moved back home with his mother.  This time he had the couch and the child slept on the floor.  She would hear him constantly on the phone to her mother either berating her or begging her to get back together with him.  And all her meals came from fast food restaurants.

Recently the man’s (boy’s) mother threw him out of the house.  He and Little Girl Lost have ended up in a homeless shelter.  As I write this she has been there for 5 months now.  When her mother first heard about it she hired a lawyer and made plans to go and get her.  But the days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months.

Her mom is not guiltless through all of this:

• Initially the judge told her she could get custody of her daughter if she stayed in the state.  She chose to move back with her family 3 states away, without her child.

• The judge then told her that if she went back to school and got a decent job that in a year he would review the case and if all was well grant her custody.  That was 6 years ago; she has done nothing.

• Recently the lawyer helping her get her child out of the homeless shelter fired her.  Why?  Because she wasn’t doing anything to try to get her daughter back.  He believes her daughter should have only spent 1 week in the shelter…it has been 5 months.

• At Christmas Little Girl Lost was in a corner with her friends at a party with her mom.  She told her friends she wanted to commit suicide.  Some of the children ran to her mother to tell her what her daughter said.  Rather than sit down with her and help her through it mom berated her for saying things like that.

• Mom has been heard to say that she really doesn’t want her daughter back; she’s too much work!  And oh, the homeless shelter is a nice place.

In the United States it is estimated that there are 1,256,600 children that are abused and/or neglected (this government report is in pdf format).  The number is broken down even further:

1. Approximately 553,000 are abused:

• 58% are physically abused or an estimated 323,000.

• 24%, approximately 135,300 are sexually abused.

• 27%, about 148,500, are emotionally abused.

2. It is estimated that there are 771,700 children that are neglected:

• 47% are educationally neglected or about 360,500 children.

• 38%, approximately 295,300, are physically neglected.

• 25%, an estimated 193,400 children are emotionally neglected.

These numbers come from the government report on abuse and neglect.

Where does Little Girl Lost come into this?  We can probably make a case for any number of these categories.  My guess would be that she is emotionally abused at the very least because she hears the interaction between her parents.  She is emotionally neglected because no one seems to have an interest in who she is or how she is feeling.  I’m also thinking that physical neglect may enter into it as well.

How is this happening?  You may have noticed that in the beginning of this post I keep referring to her dad as “man (boy)”.  By living in a homeless shelter and not working he is not meeting her physical needs. By belittling and arguing with her mother she is suffering emotional abuse. He is not doing the job of a father.  Mom abandoned her.  Mom doesn’t want her.  Neither parent wants to work out their differences.  And both are ignoring her emotional needs as well.

Though we cannot do a lot about her we can look at our own children.  Is there any abuse in our families?  I don’t necessarily mean physical or sexual abuse.  Are we screaming at our kids?  This does have an emotional effect on them.  Do we say nasty things to them or even threaten them?  This is also abusive.  Do we talk to them about their problems, their hopes, their dreams?  Do we play with them?  Do we teach them about life?  If we don’t do these things it can be neglect, both emotional and educational.

If we are doing any of these it has an effect on our children.  Improving our relationship with them is of paramount importance.

But what about Little Girl Lost?  She, like hundreds of thousands like her, struggle every day.  All is not lost for her, she has friends trying to help her.  The danger is for other children who will grow up angry.  Who may run away from home.  Who may get into alcohol, drugs, and even child prostitution.  Or worse, commit suicide.  Do you know parents like hers?  What can you do to change the direction these kids’ lives are taking?