Posts tagged ‘Anxiety’

Ever since he has been a baby Max has been afraid of dogs. Big dogs. It is because he used to spend a lot of time at his uncle’s and aunt’s house. They owned three large German Shepherds and Golden Retrievers.

Now, they were never very frightening dogs; they were just so happy to see us when we would visit. They would come galloping at us; tails and tongues wagging; looking for attention. You can just imagine what this would do to a baby who was just starting to crawl to see these giants coming to play.

My son is nine years old now but he hasn’t gotten over his fright. If we meet one out walking he will hide behind me until the threat is gone.

On the other hand he loves horses. He can’t get enough of them. If we are at a carnival and there are pony rides we can’t keep him off them.

This year we discovered a horse camp. When we asked him if he’d like to go for two weeks he was ecstatic! He understood though it would not be all fun and games. The program requires each child to get involved in brushing and cleaning the horses; mucking out the stalls; and taking care of the saddles and bridles.

He has always wanted to live with horses so for him this wasn’t a problem.

Imagine our surprise when he, and we, discovered he is afraid of them. No, he doesn’t have a problem climbing up on top of one and riding. This he loves. The problem comes in when he stands beside them. Even ponies are taller than he is. To get close to brush and wash them is very difficult.

At this camp volunteers are assigned to each child to teach them what to do but it is the kid’s responsibility to get the work done. On the second day of camp when we picked Max up we received a complaint from the program manager. He was not doing his job. He was only standing at the side watching his volunteer do all the work.

At the end of the day the kids get to actually ride “their” horses. The manager complained that Max still expected his turn even though he hadn’t earned it. On the way home we asked him what was going on. This is when we learned about his fears.

On Wednesday, the third day, on the way to camp we suggested that he just try to do a little bit. If he could do that each day it would help him get over his fears. He promised to try.

At the end of the day I picked him up. The manager cornered me to complain yet again that Max wasn’t doing his job. Not only that she informed me that if he wasn’t going to do it then she didn’t want us to bring him back the following week. The worst part of it was she said this in front of him.

I stopped her and informed her what we had planned with Max and I asked her:

“Did he do a little bit more today?”

“Yes, he did.”

“Well that is our plan. Since he is so afraid of the horses we are trying to get him through this by getting him to do a little bit more each day.”

She seemed to like this idea and agreed to keep him a little bit longer.

On the way home Max told me that he had cleaned the bridle. I then told him a story:

“I once knew a nine year old boy that grew up on a farm. Like you he was afraid of horses. One of his jobs was to go inside stalls and clean them out every day. He didn’t have a problem with this except when the horses were still in them. This always made him nervous.

One day he decided he didn’t want to be afraid so he pushed himself to do a little bit more than the day before. Then each day he did more and more until one day he discovered he wasn’t afraid of them anymore.

But this required that he decide that he didn’t want to be afraid.”

Max liked the story, “Who was the little boy?”

“It was me.”

His eyes got big and round, “Really?”

This was when he resolved that he could do it too.

My wife and I had great hopes when we dropped him off on Thursday but the fates weren’t going to be kind that day. We dropped him off and discussed the plan with the program manager. She claimed to understand his fears and told us that she would design Max’s training so that he would do ten percent of the work and his volunteer would do the rest.

When we picked him up we were informed that he had done absolutely nothing that day. As a result they didn’t allow him to ride the horses.

We asked Max what it was all about; especially since he had had big plans to start working and get over his fears. He gave us a list of complaints:

• His volunteer ignores him.

• She refuses to help him when he is confused on how to do something.

• On Wednesday she apparently tried to force him to ride standing up in the saddle with his arms outstretched. When he expressed his fear of doing that she tried to drag him to the horse.

• She informed him on Thursday that he would be required to clean the horse’s hooves. This entails standing beside and against the horse while facing its tail. You then bend over, pick up the hoof, and use a pick to dig out dirt and muck from around the shoes. When he told her he was afraid to do it because the horse might kick him, her answer was “too bad you are doing it”.

When we complained the head of the program told us, “Max is lazy and really doesn’t want to be here.”

“Um, not after the way he has been treated by your volunteer. Work has never bothered him. He loves horses and loves to ride them. It was his choice to come here. It was also his choice to keep coming back.”

Of course, the volunteer denied that any of his complaints were true. Because she was the “adult” the farm decided Max was lying. Funny thing is he hasn’t really learned how to lie yet. Any attempts he has made in the past never worked out for him so no matter what the situation he tells the truth.

Certainly he is a child and everyone’s actions may have seemed much worse to him than to the adults around him. So perhaps they were both right. But at the same time I got the strong feeling that both the volunteer and the program manager did not like him. They didn’t have any problems expressing their dislike either.

The results left him in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Nothing went right for him. And in the end, after the upset he refused to go back on Friday. We called the farm and told them Max had decided not to go back at all and they were welcome to find another child to fill his position.

Funny thing is the next Monday morning we received a call from them, “Where’s Max?”

“He’s not coming.”

“Is he going to be here the rest of the week?”

“This was discussed last Friday.”

“I know all about the discussion but if he is not coming back we have to fill his slot.”

“Hmm, since you know all about it then you already know he isn’t going to be there this week.”

I’m not really trying to point fingers. I just want to express some of the difficulties Max had last week. We will be looking for another horse farm that might be able to help him through his fears.

My son has two friends, a brother and sister. The boy is a year older than Max, who is 9. The girl is a year younger.

They are the greatest kids. Both really like to play with Max and truth be told I think the girl has a bit of a crush on him.

If they are around they will come over and play for hours. We never had to worry about them until the day that they were climbing a tree in back and the girl fell off. I heard the scream and ran out in my stocking feet to find her on the ground; tears streaming down her face.

I walked her home; I was still in my socks and she was still sobbing. I left the boys playing in the yard. I talked to her Mom who checked her out and found nothing wrong.

This was about a year ago and both still come over when they are available.

It is good for Max since he has a lot of anxieties. He finds it very difficult to go up to any friend’s door and ring the bell to find out if they are home. He always insists that either my wife or I walk him over and either stand close while he knocks; or knock ourselves.

For sometime I have been trying to get him to handle it himself without having a parent hovering. When I go with him I hang back at the end of the driveway or a house or two away and insist he handle it himself. When we go to the two sisters that live close to us I have told him that girls don’t like to see a boy’s parents around when he comes knocking at the door.

“But they aren’t my girlfriends!”

“Doesn’t matter.”

That hasn’t worked too well.

I’ve since discovered that he is not worried about ringing the doorbell. His problem is that he is afraid he is going to hear the word “No”.

“No, Billie is not at home.”

“No, Janie can’t come out right now. Maybe after dinner.”

“No, Jack is too tired.”

When this happens he will say good bye. But he holds himself together until he is out of sight and then he will run home crying.

Rejection is a tough thing for him.

Since I discovered this I am not so insistent that he be by himself. However, I have to find out how to help him through his rejection problem.

But back to the brother and sister; he has always had this same issue going to see them. At least with his other friends he will stay and play after sending us home. That is, he doesn’t need us there to watch him play. It is different at this house. If they can’t come home with us but want him to stay he insists that we stay with him.

I have told him I won’t hang around just to watch three kids play. If I don’t, he goes home leaving them watching him sadly from their driveway.

I never understood why until my wife discovered the reason. It is their parents. They seem very nice. I enjoy talking to them. Max’s problems arise after we are gone. Apparently when they are home during the day they always have a beer bottle in their hands. I don’t know if they drink enough to be called alcoholics though I haven’t seen any of it.

If that wasn’t enough if the girl does something inappropriate Mom calls her a “F*&^%*&^ B%^&$”. And she has no problem calling the boy an “A$$^#^&*”.

I don’t believe that they have said or done anything to Max but he feels very uncomfortable being there. My wife doesn’t think he is afraid that they will do the same to him; just that he is worried about the whole environment. His own parents don’t drink and they never swear at him. I don’t think he understands other parents doing that to their kids.

Every day there seems to be something new that opens my eyes to my son’s issues. It’s not always the children with disorders that have problems. Sometimes the ‘normal” kids have it rough too.

It is Friday and Max is out of school.  This coming Sunday is Easter and today is the start of Easter weekend.  There is so much to do the next 3 days I will probably be sleeping on Monday.  Why is so much planned?  It is because my 8 year old son Max needs a lot of structure.  Because of his bipolar disorder, ADHD, asperger’s, and anxiety an unstructured day is very upsetting to him and he acts out in undesirable ways.  One of the reasons he does well in school is because it is so structured; he knows what to expect.

My wife and I are not structured people; we’ve always been very laid back, taking things as they come.  We are slowly learning how to plan so that all of us will feel comfortable on the days Max is out of school.

Our weekend basically started Thursday night.  The first thing we did was to got to a friend’s house so Max could play with his sons.  The 4 of them played tag in the front yard and because there was so much rain this past week the ground was muddy; there was a lot of slipping and sliding.  By the time he got back into the car he was caked with it.  You know it was shower time when he got home.

After he went to bed I was off to the store to buy some eggs.  Max will be coloring them for Easter with his mentor on Friday.  When I got back my wife hardboiled them, dried them off, and stored them in the refrigerator for the big day.

Since it was his day off today you would think he would sleep for awhile but no…he was up at 6:30 ready to go.  But at the same time he was wild and angry.  We don’t know where this came from but everything was setting him off.  All I could hear was screaming and swearing.  My wife was getting very stressed out so I got dressed and took him out for a walk.

We were on the road for an hour and you could actually see his anger and stress levels drop.  We walked through the old common which is a mixture of grass and trees.  I find that this always calms him down.  It helped enormously that for the first time in weeks we were feeling the sun on our faces.  By the time we got back home he was visibly relaxed and calmly waited for his mentor.  Ordinarily he’d be very anxious, “When is she coming?”  “Where is she?”  Oh, whine!!!

She is now here and they are both sitting at the kitchen table coloring Max’s eggs.  It is funny listening to them; my office is right next door.  They set the eggs and coloring up.  Whoops, two are cracked.  Oh well, they are still going to dye them.  Then they forgot the vinegar for the coloring.  Now they are dipping the eggs.

Max keeps running into the office to let me know their progress.  The front of his tee shirt is wet from the water and color.  He then rockets back to his chair, bouncing on it as he dyes another egg.  And the whole time  he keeps up a running commentary about the project, what they are going to do afterwards, and about life in general.  Now he is the Easter bunny hopping up and down the hallways looking for carrots.

When he is done and we have completed a few errands we plan on moving some suitcases.  I’ve posted a few times about a friend of mine that runs a charity called Suitcases 4 Kids.  They collect donations of suitcases, backpacks, and duffel bags for foster and homeless kids.  They need to move several hundred into their self storage location.   We are expecting it to take an hour or an hour and a half to complete the job.

After that we will be seeing a movie; the Christian Film Festival is happening just down the street so we have quite a few to choose from.  That should take us to about 5 o’clock.  Hopefully we will be able to wind down by then.

We know what we plan on doing Saturday.  It always starts out the same way;  Max and I go out to breakfast with my father-in-law.  After that is a trip to Home Depot.  It is the first Saturday of the month and they always have wood working projects for the kids on these days.  Max loves building; this will keep him occupied for a half an hour.  He always wants to buy something but this isn’t going to happen unless I need something for any work at home.

After that I have some handyman work at one of my clients.  I’m going to bring Max with me so that he can make some money painting.  This will probably take about 3 hours.  He won’t last that long but her kids won’t be in school so he will be able to play with them until I am finished.

After that?  Maybe another movie.  And hopefully we have tired him out for yet another day.

Sunday we will go to church and then spend the afternoon at his aunt’s house for Easter dinner.

So there it is; this is our weekend.  It may seem quite ordinary but for us it can be difficult.  Since my wife and I are not used to planning we chafe at the schedule but we know that without it Max would be very anxious and miserable.  As a result his Mom and Dad would be miserable too.

It pays to plan ahead of time.

Parents need respite from raising their kids.  Most have a natural outlet.  Their kids spend time at their grandparents or their friends houses.  It gives them time to energize themselves and be refreshed when the kids come home.

But what do people of kids with disorders do?  Quite often the grandparents aren’t equipped to take care of them and the kids don’t have friends to stay with.  Certainly these parents worry about sending their kids away.  What can they do?  If they are unable to find some rest they won’t be any good to themselves or their children.

My wife and I have been working with the local Department of Mental Health (DMH) office.  They had suggested a place for our son Max to go to on weekends to give us time alone.  I wrote recently about our initial attempts to get him to it and the subsequent meeting with DMH. Though he went twice; the third time we couldn’t get him anywhere near the place.

We could not schedule the time originally agreed to, the Friday after our meeting.  We were, however, able to set up an overnight for the following weekend.  On that Friday Max’s mentor picked him up as usual and they took off for their afternoon fun-time.  While they were gone the family therapist stopped in to get his backpack as we had planned.  She then went to meet the other two to pick up Max.

From there things fell apart.  He was not ready for the change.  He expected to be dropped off at home after his afternoon; not to be picked up by someone else.  And he did not want to go back to that place.  It is more of an institution than a welcoming home for the kids.  Max has to sleep in a dormitory with a dozen other boys; some of whom live there permanently.  And, as mentioned previously, all of the wonderful things that the parents were promised were planned for the kids don’t happen.  It’s more of sitting and staring at a television set all day.

In the end the family therapist dropped Max at home and we drove him there ourselves.  He cried bitterly when we dropped him off and they had to restrain him as we left the building.  We called when we got home to make sure he was okay.  We were told he settled down 5 minutes after we left.  This was of little comfort and we spent the rest of the night trying to calm down.  This was respite???

Not long after we got up in the morning the calls started.  Max wanted to come home; when were we going to pick him up?  We promised that we would be there by 11 a.m and he cried.  It then hit us with a sledge hammer; this was exactly the same experience as Max’s first and second hospital visits.

And as I suspected when we picked him up it was another day of just television.  Max had not even been allowed to work on crafts…it was not on the schedule!  We got him out of there as quickly as we could.  Max was a perfect angel for the rest of the day perhaps fearing that we would send him back.  But just as I do not ever want him to go back into a hospital I won’t ever bring him back to this place.

DMH was surprised when they heard the results.  They hadn’t believed us when we told them what was going to happen.  The only good thing that came out of this (if you can call it that) is that they now can see for themselves why this kind of respite won’t work for Max.  But they were quick to point out that he settled down within minutes of us leaving.  I am not convinced that was because he was okay; I believe he was just resigned to the situation.

Not to worry, they tell us, there is another option.  There are families that will take these kids in for a weekend to give the parents some respite.  These are regular homes where the “respite kids” mix and mingle with the families, play with them, eat with them, and generally have a lot of fun over a weekend.  It is like sending them to their cousins’ homes for play-dates.

Well, we are willing to meet with the family they have in mind.  We’ll talk to them and see if it a good fit.  But with Max’s hyper anxiety I don’t know if he’ll last a whole weekend without his Mom.  We’ll see…

My 8 year old son Max gets a lot of services through the Department of Mental Health.  He is eligible for them because of his diagnoses.  These include bipolar disorder, adhd, pdd/nos, odd, ocd, high anxiety, and sensory integration issues.  Because we have been receiving all of these services we have been trying for months to get a meeting together to make sure that everyone is working towards the same goal.   That is, improving my son’s standard of living.

I just came from that meeting and it was interesting to say the least.  Before it happened we insisted that either my wife’s counselor, Max’s play therapist, or both be present otherwise it would be a waste of time for us.  When we arrived this morning both surprisingly were there especially since it didn’t look like their schedules would match.   Also there besides us 4 were our family therapist, Max’s mentor, their supervisor, and the caseworker who was leading the meeting.

Before we started the caseworker had to make the point that he didn’t know that the play therapist was going to be there.  Apparently it was going to change the dynamics of the whole meeting, whatever that meant.   The supervisor piped in that we were there to discuss why we were dissatisfied with their services.  My wife and I looked at each other in shock; we never said we didn’t like the services, we just wanted to make sure everyone had the same goals.  To that end we had wanted the play therapist involved since she works with Max directly.

Once we got this straightened out we could then start the meeting.  The play therapist talked about how Max has a major problem with limits and the word “No”; either can set him into a tirade that can be physical and/or verbal.  She says that when this happens she sees a totally different boy than the one she is used to dealing with.  When she starting working with him in October she thought that his parents were too lenient but she finds that today in August they are stronger and more consistent.  When he explodes he must spend time on the couch until he calms down.  If he gets violent Dad will hold him until he settles down.  She sees a lot of improvement.  She has been working with him on accepting boundaries.

The family therapist talked about how she originally had intended to work with the whole family but Max wanted all the attention on himself.  It made it very difficult, so at his parents’ request she started working directly with them to help them learn to communicate with each other and become more supportive.  She believes that there has been improvement.

Max’s mentor says she goes with the flow.  They do things that he likes to do such as basketball, bike riding, or swimming.  In the process she has been working with him to accept “No” as an answer.  She will say “no” to minor things; he will grumble and may ask a second time but that’s it.

My wife’s counselor talked about how she is worried about Max’s parents.  She would not only like to see them communicate more but they also need some rest; raising Max is exhausting.  Our caseworker jumped in at this point and thanked her for bringing him to the subject he most wanted to discuss.  This is “respite”.

For months we have been talking about getting rest for Mom and Dad on the weekends so we will be more able to take care of Max during the week.   It would also help our own relationship; as the therapist said we could start dating again.   This was a timely subject since my wife and I were actually falling asleep in the meeting.

Respite is kind of a sore subject.  It was first brought up in January when our caseworker mentioned a children’s home that has kids living there permanently.  On weekends it is available for families to drop their own kids off to give everyone a chance to relax.  It is a structured environment with programs that are not only fun but teach the children how to manage their behaviors.

My wife was excited; I told the caseworker at the time I didn’t like it but I would do it for her sake.  I didn’t want to be separated from Max; I felt that we should be doing things together on weekends, if not as a family, at least as father and son.  That’s the way it was when I was growing up.  He took that to mean I wouldn’t do it at all so the idea got shelved.  It came back up in May so we went for a tour of the facility.  It had a lot of things Max loves like a weight room, basketball court, and a bike track with bicycles.

When we first mentioned it to him Max was excited especially when we took him just to see it.  What made it better for him was that one of his friends lives there so he would have someone to play with.  He was all set to stay overnight but we decided that a few hours the first time might be better to ease him in to it.

He stayed 4 hours the first time but he wasn’t too thrilled with it.   When we arrived a counselor promised him bike riding but then couldn’t find a key to the bike shed.  He agreed to a second try the next week.  That day it was raining so he ended up spending 6 hours in front of a TV set; Max doesn’t like watching for more than 10 minutes at a time.  He was very quiet and subdued when he got home and very clingy.  We scheduled 1 more trip but cancelled at the last minute when Max refused to go.   This was in June and we haven’t tried since.

So the subject came up again today at the meeting.  They insisted forcefully that we try it again.  We insisted just as forcefully that we would not drag him kicking and screaming to the place.  We have gone through this before and yes, as they pointed out, it works out sometimes.  Going to his school was initially a disaster but he grew to love it.  But you know what, his first trip to the hospital was not pretty.  He didn’t get used to it and this is where his anxiety levels initially skyrocketed.  The home gave me a little bit of the same feeling; I can only guess how he felt.

Anyway, we’ve decided to try it again.  We are going to schedule an overnight this Friday night.  This time we won’t drive him; Friday afternoons he spends with his mentor so she will get him ready to go while they are on their outing.   The family therapist will meet them and drive him there.  She will stay for an hour or so to make sure he settles in.  On Saturday his mentor will visit him and see how things are going.  At the end of the day we’ll pick him up.

My wife and I have a lot of concerns but we are willing to try it; not only for ourselves but for Max as well.  The caseworker has promised to call the home to voice our concerns.  That is, that my son is not getting what he needs. If they are going to watch television all day let him do arts and crafts at the same time, this will settle him.   Take him to the gym, he needs muscle work to relax.  If it a sunny day take him outside, he needs the sun!

With that everyone at the meeting was satisfied that everything was accomplished.  It was adjourned and we all left for home.  But as I write this my concerns about respite are resurfacing.  I’m not coming up with reasons not to do it as the caseworker suggested.  I want this to work for both Max and my wife.  And no I don’t believe that Max will not be affected by this as he also suggested.  Today is Wednesday, Friday is the big day, I will take a wait and see attitude.   If it doesn’t work out I’ll be looking for something else.  If it does it will be great for all of us.

My boy Max decided Sunday morning to sell some of his extensive video tape collection.  There are a lot of them he will never watch again such as the Sesame Street ones.  At 8:30 he had set up 3 tray tables side by side at the edge of our driveway.   Behind them he placed a green deck chair.   On top he stacked 24 tapes with a can behind them to put the money collected.  On the front was a sign that read “$1 each”.  Down on the corner he put a large sign that said “Movie Sale.  Starts at 9:30.”  He originally was going to put “9:30-4:30″ but I knew he wouldn’t last that long.  I convinced him that if he just specified the start time he could quit whenever he was ready.  But he couldn’t sit alone.  The closer it got to 9:30 the higher his anxiety level got.  He needed someone sitting beside him; it wasn’t enough that I would be mowing the lawn near him.

He has been trying to get into sales for some time now.  Like other 8 year olds he has gone the lemonade route.  He has also tried selling some of his toys in a tent on the front lawn.   He graduated into sales from buying.   He will buy anything; just the thought of buying something makes his day.   The things he gets hold his interest for about 5 minutes after he gets out of the store.

We never minded buying him little things, a pencil or pen, a super ball, or even a balloon.  When he started wanting bigger things we tried redirecting him.  I didn’t mind so much getting him rakes, shovels, or hammers.  I mean, I can always use those things but it was really time to teach him about money.

He has learned that we are not going to buy, buy, buy.  If he wants something he is going to have to earn the money to get it.  But how is he going to do this?  Sure, when I am working in the yard he joins me because he knows there are certain things I will pay him for doing.  He gets $1 for every leaf bag he fills up, whether it is with leaves, lawn clippings, or branches.

Since there aren’t a lot of things he can do around the house he started looking for other ways to make money.  He loves yard sales; if he sees one he has to go to it.  Neighbors who have them tend to give him the things he likes or charge him a small amount for them.  He has tried different things to make money and today was time for the videos.

Max has a problem with anxiety.   He has been diagnosed with high anxiety; it appeared during his first hospital stay. Before this he could play in the backyard for hours; since then someone always has to be with him.  It didn’t help that when he became a cub scout he had to learn all about what to do if a stranger approaches.  He can’t even call his friends; his Mom has to do it.

At 9:30 at the start of the video sale Mom was on her way to church. Before she left she had to stop and show him how to set them up. Max had just stacked them up this way and that. People would have to sort through them to find anything they liked. She set them up in categories, displaying each to make them easier to find.

While she was doing this the first car drove by. It turned around and parked across the street. A couple got out and crossed over. As they looked at the tapes they asked if there were any “adult” tapes; I mean PG and R rated. We had to tell them there weren’t any; they were all children’s tapes. After they left Mom found some more mature tapes Max could sell as well.

He waited a long time for someone else to come by. There were a lot of people that slowed down to check out the tables but they kept going. Finally a neighbor stopped over. She couldn’t find anything she liked but she gave him a donation anyway. His first “sale”; Max was excited.

Then we waited and waited. As time went on the more disappointed he became. His visions of making lots of money were disappearing. I explained to him that he was getting good experience but there were some problems. First, we live on a quiet side street so it is difficult for people to know that we are even here. Second, it is Sunday morning; people generally either got to church or spend a relaxing time reading the paper. The best time to sell would be Saturday morning when everyone is out getting things done. Especially in the summer when they are looking for yard sales; traffic picks up quite a bit on our street then.

I went back and sat on the house steps behind him. There was a bush in front of me that partially obscured me from the street. We are only two houses down from the main road and as I watched in that direction I saw a noisy small nosiy green Toyota drive passed. A few moments later it turned into our street coming from the other direction. As it came in front of our driveway it slowed down. There were 3 young men in it. They started checking out the table as the driver put the car in park.

As they started out of the car the driver finally noticed me sitting on the steps. The others were still slamming their doors as he sped off down the street. Later I met another neighbor of mine and mentioned the car. He and his wife had been out walking. He said the car had passed him a couple of streets away. He remembered wondering what they were doing in our neighborhood; they seemed out of place.

To be honest, I haven’t understood Max’s anxiety until now. Sure I have my own but maybe it was because I am not part of it. I mean I can sit on the stairs and watch him do things. But it always seemed like there would be no reason to be anxious if I were with him. That has changed for me. I think about those young men and I wonder, did they want to steal Max’s videos or were they more interested in stealing Max? I now don’t have a problem being around if he is outside; I want to make sure he is okay.

Max finally packed everything up and went indoors. He has discovered selling is hard work; especially if there are no sales and you are very anxious the whole time. Maybe we’ll try again on Saturday.

Nervousness, shyness, social anxiety, or whatever you call this fear, people want to get over it.  Is there a drug that can stop it?  Well there are a lot of those things that can do that in the short run…at the expense of your health perhaps.  But you don’t want to stop nervousness; it is there for a reason.  It is related to our built in “fight or flight” mechanism.  It makes you aware of a potential danger and gives you an opportunity to think of a course of action.  In essence, you want to manage your nervousness.

I speak from a lot of experience here.  Up until I was about 7 years old nothing bothered me.  Being alone in a dark room was okay.  When I met people I could have easy conversations with them.  I used to see groups of kids I had never met before and I would join in their play and have a good time.

But once I hit 7 things began to change.  I remember that I noticed that a lot of kids were afraid of the dark; maybe I should be afraid.  Perhaps I was becoming afraid at that time anyway but I remember trying to will myself to fear.  Whatever the reason, I was successful.  I could never again go upstairs to my room at night or into the basement if the lights were off.

It got worse later on when I saw a movie called “The River of Blood”.  Whenever someone in the movie got into the water a bloody wave would wash across them and much like being eaten by piranha, their bones were scraped clean.  Now I couldn’t go into any room alone whether the lights were on or off.

I also lost the ability to talk to people.  I couldn’t walk up to those kids anymore and just play.  I couldn’t even go outside by myself.  And as the years progressed it got worse and worse.  I couldn’t go to the gas station or to a bank unless someone was with me.  It made it tough on my job especially since at one point I had over 30 people reporting to me.

It may seem strange to a lot of people but until I was 39 years old I needed a light on when I slept; even when I was traveling for my company.  I also found it difficult to speak in meetings.  I could handle one-on-one discussions but even they were difficult.

A couple of things changed my life.  First I went through the Sterling Men’s Weekend which is very intensive.  Once I came out of the weekend I never needed lights again.  Half the time I don’t even bother turning them on when I need to go into the basement in the middle of the night.

Oh, gas stations and banks?  Pshaw, who needs company…

I had to go a different route to be able to peak at meetings and in public.  In the mid-1970s my Dad had taken the Dale Carnegie Public Speaking course.  When he graduated he joined a group called Toastmasters.  I was amazed at the change in him.  He went from being a bookish school teacher to speaking at conferences for two and a half hours without notes.  My Mom said that if they went away on a plane trip he would disappear and she would find out later he had met everyone on the plane.

Knowing how terrified it made me to talk to people he suggested I get involved in the group.  No way!!  Just the thought of it made me break out in a cold sweat and I would shake in fear.

It took me 20 years but I finally took the Dale Carnegie course but sadly unlike my father I got nothing out of it.  This made me forget about Toastmasters altogether.  As a result I suffered for many more years in silence.  When I moved to my present home, if I was at the library at night I would hear the local toastmasters meeting.  I would shake my head and sneak by.

Then 4 years ago I read they were having an open house; so I went.  I wasn’t impressed with the guest speaker; he was jumping up and down a lot, and pretty much making a fool of himself.  But I saw something in it that could help me, so I joined.  Today, 4 years later, I have lost count of how many speeches I have made.  I am moving through the speaking levels.  I have been an officer of the club.  And I can speak in public and at meetings.

So, have I gotten rid of my nervousness, anxiety, and shyness?  No, they are still there but the important thing is they don’t rule my life anymore.  At the beginning of this post I mentioned that you want to manage your nervousness, not get rid of it.  Being anxious going into a dark room makes you aware of what is happening around you.  If you are nervous in public it makes you observe the people that are with you.

When you allow the nervousness to take over then you can either make bad choices or hide from life because your mind goes blank.  Managing these fears gives you the opportunity to think up ways to handle the things happening around you because your mind doesn’t shut off anymore.

My son Max is now 8 years old.  I have noticed him following the same pattern I did when I was his age.  My goal is to help him manage his anxiety and shyness so that he doesn’t spend the next 40 years battling them.

I’ve lived in a lot of places in my life.  In 53 years I’ve moved from the city to the country, from the ocean to Europe.  And I am constantly amazed on the different ways people treat each other.

In the city no one is going to talk to you.  They walk down the street and don’t even see you as they stare straight ahead, or look through you if they glance in your direction.  If you stop them to ask a question they look at you warily, scoping out the dangers, before answering you.

I grew up in the city.  I learned early on that you never look at someone else because they might take it as an invitation to talk to you.  And “you might not know what crazies may be approaching you”.  I was comfortable in this atmosphere.  Even though I used to chat to the man at the corner shop where I bought my comics and visit my barber I never knew their names or if they even had families.  If you asked me anything about a person that may have walked by me I wouldn’t be able to tell you because I didn’t see them.

A lot of people own or rent second homes by the ocean.  Quite a few of them are tourists.  They are friendly if you talk to them but they are in your life one minute and gone the next.  They have no reason to get to know you except as a casual acquaintance and when they are gone you never hear from them again.  I liked being close to the water and swimming with the girl next door.  But the girl left and it was time to look for new acquaintances.  I’d mow the lawns for the elderly folks down the street but then they moved on.  I rode bikes and lit firecrackers in the woods with the boy across the street but then he went home.  I enjoyed these people but if you asked me their names I can’t tell you.

I lived in England and France for several years and I enjoyed the people immensely.  They didn’t allow me to ignore them; they would approach me and just talk.  I found Paris interesting.  Wherever I went in the city if I asked for anything in English they did not want to speak to me and in some cases were even rude.  However, when I attempted to speak their language they welcomed me with open arms.  And I found in both countries the people would open their homes to me.  Whenever I go back for visits they won’t allow me to stay in hotels; they always find a room for me.

A few years ago I moved to the country here in the states.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the “country folk” had a lot of the same characteristics as the English and French.  I cannot walk down a street without having a total stranger smile at me and ask me how I am.  They always seem interested in what I am doing.

Everyone seemed to be in a rush in the city.  When they drive they try to beat the traffic light and get through it before it turns red.  In the country everyone seems relaxed.  If they come to a traffic light while driving, if it turns yellow they slow down and are stopped by the time it is red.

I have certainly gotten used to this way of living and I find that I have taken my blinders off.  I like to smile at people and ask them how they are.

My son Max who is 8 years old now has lived all his life here.  To him it is natural to talk to people and I am convinced he knows everyone by name in our town.  And you know those family secrets a lot of people have?  We can’t have any; he will tell anyone who cares to listen.  “Guess what Daddy had for breakfast.”  “Mom is going for a pedicure this afternoon.”  “I skinned my butt when I fell off my bike today.”  This is a very comfortable way of like for Max.

But then there were a couple of incidents recently that bothered him.  Max already has major anxiety issues and one of them has made things worse for him.

Recently Max and I went on a hike by castle near where we live.  He brought his bike and I trailed along behind him as we traveled the paths up the hill to the castle.  It can take about an hour to reach the top by going through the woods.  It was a nice warm afternoon so there were a lot of people out enjoying the woods and the paths.  As we met people I attempted to smile and talk to them because that’s what everyone does here.

Guess what, Max and I were both ignored by the people we passed.  This was strange, I felt like I was back in the city.  But rather than finding that old comfortable place that I had known growing up there, I was bothered by the lack of communication.  And poor Max had never experienced this kind of reaction to his presence.  He was feeling anxious, why wouldn’t they look at him, why weren’t they talking?  I came to the conclusion that most of these people were tourists up from the city.  They were here to view the castle.

And then there was the Cub Scout issue.  When moving from one level to the next, in this case, from tiger to wolf, there is a time that cubs are required to learn about the pitfalls of talking to strangers.  “What do you do if a car pulls up beside you and a man offers you candy?”  “What if a woman in the park wants you to help her look for her lost dog, what do you do?”  “What if…”

This is a great way for kids to learn to be wary of strangers but what does it do to a young boy who has grown up in the country were everyone is friendly or like that Cheers bar in Boston “where everybody knows your name.”  What does it do to the same boy who has been diagnosed with high anxiety?

Max learned the lessons very well but he also lost something in the process.  He won’t play outside around the house anymore unless either my wife or I stand at the door and watch him.  He will not ride his bike down the street now without someone watching his back.  He cannot go up to his bedroom or down in the basement even in the day time without his parents close by.  And this boy who was always so independent will not walk through town without holding my hand.

Since Max has always been very friendly my wife and I had worried that he would be taken by someone he thought was friendly.  Now we worry that he will never be able to be alone.

Sometimes I wonder if my wife and I had stayed in the city if the antipathy that people have for one another would have been a better environment for him.

You or your child has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, depression, anxiety, oppositional defiance disorder (odd), bi-polar disorder, or another behavioral disorder. What do you do? You read all of the medical books about the subject. You or your children take the medications the doctor prescribes, and you practice the exercises given to you by therapists. Or perhaps a hospital stay is in order. Some people look at alternative ways to address their particular problem. They may diet, or take herbal supplements, or even practice yoga. The bottom line is these are all ways to help you improve your situation and make you appear “normal”!

But what if, biologically, you were designed for a different purpose and these disorders are manifestations preventing you from following this purpose?

Then along comes a book called The DaVinci Method to explain what that purpose may be. The subtitle of the book is “Break Out & Express Your Fire. Discover & Master the Fiery Temperament Shared by Great Leaders, Artists, Entrepreneurs & AD/HD-ers”. It was written by Garret LoPorto who is himself an entrepreneur, CEO, inventor, presenter at MIT, and an “AD/HD-er”.

His premise is that 10 percent of the population is made up of DaVinci types. A description of a DaVinci is someone who is impulsive, is a risk taker, is easily distractible, and is insightful or intuitive. A DaVinci also craves risk and excitement, has an addictive personality, rebels against authority, and thinks differently.

Does this describe someone you know?

Thousands of years ago humans lived in hunter-gatherer groups. The hunters were risk taking intuitives who provided the group with meat. The gatherers, who later evolved into farmers, worked hard but didn’t need to take risks so developed more complacent demeanors. Since they were in the majority these became what is now “normal”.

The hunters are out of place in today’s society. As they try to fit in, they attempt to suppress their personalities. As a result they develop what used to be known as “neurotic tendencies” and more recently given labels such as ADHD, ODD, or Bi-Polar Disorder.

LoPorto writes about what we can do if we have these disorders because it is not all doom and gloom. Jane Pauley is highly successful despite her Bi-Polar Disorder. Richard Branson has created his Virgin Airways and Virgin Records empire even though he is ADHD. And where does DaVinci come into this? He appears to be the first known person with ADHD. He was an explosive man who did not like to finish the things he started; he was a renaissance man who was an artist and scientist.

You might be saying “Well, that’s all well and good. Sounds nice, makes my diagnosis look better. But is there any scientific proof to all of this?”

LoPorto spends sometime discussing a gene called the DRD4-exon III which has been determined to be related to Novelty seeking personality traits. This same gene has also been associated with ADHD. People that have this gene tend to be policemen, fireman, warriors, and generals. This section was a little dry for me but gave me background into the rest of the book that describes ways to develop this gift and look past our struggle to be “normal”.

He also has a website known as The Davinci Nation that brings together people that recognize that they need to “express their fire”. Here they watch videos, read articles, and discuss with each other the progress they are making in breaking free of conformity.

Alright if I am a DaVinci type why are doctors trying to prescribe all of these medications for me? Well guess what, society wants everyone to be “normal”, follow the leaders, and not cause any trouble. It has no place for people who are “out of the box” thinkers, who take risks, and are impulsive. Some of us still succeed like Jane Pauley and Richard Branson but others in their attempts to suppress their personalities develop disorders that can be disruptive either to ourselves or society as a whole.

If you have a disorder such as ADHD, Bi-Polar Disorder, or ODD read the book, judge it for yourself, and then “break out and express your fire” too!

She had arrived on the soccer field just a few minutes earlier with her young son in tow.  He was about 7 years old and appeared to have some degree of autism.  He stood on the field holding his soccer ball against his chest and his head face down on top of the ball while his Mom looked for a coach.

When a coach came to work with him he seemed to get an attack of shyness and refused to move.  “You go with this nice boy,” Mom said to him.

“No!” he answered as he seemed to shrink back into himself.

“If you aren’t going to play we have to go home.”

“I don’t want to go home I want to play!”

“Then go out with the coach!”

He put the ball on the ground and sat down on it, “I don’t want to”.

“Then we are going home” she said as she grabbed his hand and dragged him off the field.  He started to cry, “I don’t want to go, I want to stay!”

She took him into a corner and had a very one-sided discussion with him.  She then dragged him back onto the field and up to the head coach.  “He wants to try it again.”  The head coach found another boy to work with him; the first one had been reassigned.

Then the coach tried to get the boy interested in the game by kicking the ball over to him and by feinting this way and that way around him.  The boy wasn’t having any of that so the head coach promised him a surprise at the end if he stayed and played.  But this was like a trigger, “I don’t want a surprise” he wailed.

Ok no surprise but it was in his head now: “No surprise!  No surprise!  No surprise!”

Mom said “come over here!”

“No”  “Come over here now!!”

Her son started to back off, “No, I don’t want a surprise!”

When she crooked her finger at him he backed off more “Don’t hurt me”.  She grabbed his hand and dragged him off to the car; all the while he wailed “I don’t want to go home!” over and over again crying bitterly.

My first thought as I watched this was “why is she doing this, the boy really hadn’t done anything wrong”.  But then I stopped myself.  Here was a situation I could learn from.  How many times have I been there with my son and felt embarrassed by what was happening?  How many times have I overreacted in situations just like this?

Just this morning on the way to the soccer field Max realized that he had forgotten his ball.  He escalated immediately “I need my ball!”  And I escalated too.  I had been calm all morning through each of his traumas but enough was enough and I raised my voice.  He cried.  I was reacting to an issue that was his, not mine.  Whether I was calm or angry I was still going home for the ball.

I stood watching him playing on the field with his coach.  He was having a lot of fun now, the upset from earlier apparently forgotten.  Rather than judging that woman I have to look at myself.  I have to learn how to help him through these situations rather than berating him for not having control.  Max is a great kid and he wants to succeed just like any other kid.  He doesn’t understand why he rages over the simplest things.  It is my job to teach him how to respond better even if I have to learn how to do it myself.