Posts tagged ‘aspergers’

Catchy title huh? Why would anyone want to reinforce negative behaviors? Certainly not parents! We don’t want to raise our kids to be adults who have tantrums or scream or steal or any number of other bad things.

When I was writing my post on Modeling Behaviors I had been reading a lot of information on that topic. I came across something today about how parents knowingly or unknowingly reinforce behaviors in our kids that are inappropriate.

How do we do that?

You can probably guess one that a lot of people do. Their kid has been acting badly all day and they are exhausted. The kid now asks for something he really want and the parents refuse. But the child keeps asking. Constantly. Over and over again. Now he is having a tantrum.

To stop all of the noise the parents give in. The child has learned a huge lesson: to get what he wants he only needs to have a meltdown.

I don’t know how many times my wife and I used to see these actions as being part of his adhd or his bipolar disorder or his asperger’s syndrome and just let things go. We would end up giving him what he wanted. But this only made him happy for a few minutes before he would find something else he wanted and the cycle would start all over again.

And you know, I can’t say that he was even happy for that short amount of time. It always seems that he is not happy unless he is unhappy…however that works.

But there is more to it than just that. What happens when a child misbehaves? She gets her parents’ attention! Every time we lose our temper, yell, or lecture she has won!

Yes she has.

It happens so often in my family. Max will begin doing inappropriate things and will be oblivious to our reactions until we scream. Then it is “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” and he has the expectation that everything will be fine.

It doesn’t matter if the attention is good or bad it is now focused on him. He has learned how to “push his parents’ buttons”. What is going to happen when he grows up? He will probably continue to use these methods to either get his way or get the attention he craves.

We all, as parents, have to decide whether we want our children to learn good techniques to use when they grow up or continue to use inappropriate ways to interact with other people.

If we decide that we want these kids to be good and moral adults then we have to “practice what we preach”. That is, stop the swearing, the yelling, and the tantrums. Not only do our children see it is okay to do these things because their parents do it but they also get all the attention they want.

Oh, and about that attention. Why are we giving them all of this when they are doing bad things? They know what they are doing is wrong; we don’t need to spend 15 minutes or more explaining it. Tell them what you expect of them and then go away.

This serves a two-fold purpose:

• It lets the kids know that they must stop what they are doing.

• It doesn’t give them all of the attention they are looking for.

If they need attention give it to them for better reasons. Recognize them for a job well done.

“Great job taking out the trash.”

“I love how you straightened up your toy room. What do you say we play a game now?”

“Hey, you kids are playing really well together. Let’s go for an ice cream.”

There are a lot of ways we can give them good attention. You probably give them some already but do you find that they receive more bad attention then good? Turn it around.

And I’ll bet you that the more good attention they receive there will be less need for the bad. They will find that they are much happier without all of the yelling, swearing, and tantrums.

What do you think?

Saturday July 3rd was a very exhausting day for my son Max. But it didn’t end early. It is part of the 4th of July weekend. What would this holiday be without fireworks? No matter how tired he was there was no way he would miss it.

Our town has a nice display every year. But because of the recession and cut backs in the town budget we sometimes miss one. This year everything was donated which was an awesome help.

We always have a choice where we want to watch them. We can sit in our back yard and get a perfect view; we are that close. There is also the option of sitting on a neighbor’s front yard down the street. They have a nice view too but in addition it always turns into a small party with everyone stopping by.

But the spot Max likes best is the school field where the fireworks are shot off. It is only a 5 minute walk from our house so it is an easy choice. And since we don’t have to drive, there are no parking or traffic problems for us.

Generally we grab a blanket and find a spot where we can lie back and watch the sky. There are always lots of people around us so it becomes a real community thing. But if we forget the bug spray we’re in trouble!! Too many mosquitoes this time of year.

This night turned out to be a little different than the rest however. I had been talking to a friend in town earlier in the evening. He and his boys were planning to go as usual but they generally sit on the other side of the field from the display area. He was wondering if he would be able to park this year because there were more people out than there have been in previous ones.

I suggested he park at my house and we would walk over. He thought that was a splendid idea and showed up at 8:30 with two of his boys. Max was ecstatic to have some friends to watch the fireworks with. But they couldn’t be happy with just walking down. The 3 boys pulled bikes and scooters out of the garage and met us over there.

When the adults got there we spread out the blanket; sprayed everyone with bug spray; and settled down to wait. But of course Max couldn’t just sit, he never does. He was up and about running and dancing around all the people that were arriving.

But now we were experiencing 3 boys: Max and his 2 friends. They all have the same issues: adhd, asperger’s, etc. All found it difficult to stay still. They were running and wrestling and causing general mayhem. We had to speak to them at least a thousand times but nothing worked. That is until the fireworks started; then they settled down.

In the mean time my buddy was trying to find his older two boys. They were supposed to be meeting us there but they hadn’t shown up. Even though we were just across the field neither of them could find us. He spent a good half hour on the phone with them before he gave up and told them to meet him at the back door of the school. Both have asperger’s just like their younger brothers; my friend fosters kids like this. After he left we didn’t see him again until the fireworks were over.

The end result is that my wife and I ended up shepherding Max and the 2 younger boys during the display. Luckily we only had to speak to them a couple of times after their Dad left. They were totally in awe over the show and just stared at the sky once it started.

When it was over we guided them back to our house. The traffic picked up and the boys were riding in and around the cars. We had to stop them and make them walk the bikes to the garage to keep them safe. All the while Max was getting even more hyper and it continued until my friend showed up to take the boys home.

And oh by the way; he didn’t find the older two. He just told them on the phone to meet him at a pizza shop near the school after he picked up the younger ones.

It was a long day. Max, his mom, and I were exhausted. We all dropped into bed and for the first time, as I’ve mentioned in several recent posts, my son slept really late the next morning. I like bringing it up so much because my wife and I were able to relax; wake up when we were ready; and do our morning routines without any issues. Hey, I could do with more of these!

The fireworks were great. It was nice having the boys with us but I think next year we will go with just one hyperactive kid. Or maybe not, it isn’t so different either way.

On Saturday during the Fourth of July weekend we got an invitation to a barbeque being held by one of my nieces on Sunday. This was great. I’ve talked about the structure my son Max needs to function. Sunday was a big hole for us. Certainly we had church in the morning but nothing was planned for the afternoon.

When Max discovered we were going he was extremely excited. He could barely contain himself as we drove up north. He likes my niece and her sister a lot but they are quite a bit older and have kids. My niece has an 8 year old son that Max enjoys playing with. My boy is 9.

He insisted on bringing his bicycle and scooter which we crammed into the back seat. This meant he had to sit cross legged for the 40 minute drive. He sat in back with them while my wife and I stayed up front.

Upon arrival he wasted no time in pulling out the bike and running over to meet his cousin’s son. They both disappeared down the street while my wife and I went in to greet the adults.

As I said Max needs structure to keep him balanced. We’ve done a pretty good job this weekend with the town festival on Friday; his road race and fireworks on Saturday; and now the barbeque. I think we started to feel good about our achievement. He hadn’t had too many meltdowns and he has behaved pretty well. But we started gloating too soon.

It started with the boys going their separate ways. Max sat in a chair just staring at the crowd while his cousin went to playing with the other younger kids. To be fair to him he was very tired. After his heavy duty Saturday he had actually slept to 8:30 Sunday morning. This is unimaginable for a kid that likes to be up by 5 or 6. Not only that, he didn’t wake up on his own. When the cat started howling at his bedroom door he struggled out of bed.

Not long afterwards a man and his wife sat next to him. Very nice people though initially I stereotyped him. He was a biker covered in tattoos. His head was shaved and he wore earrings. Max was fascinated; I was a little nervous. My son wanted to trade things with him like sunglasses, shoes, and knives. But the man calmly talked to him like an equal and parried all of his requests.

Several times we tried to steer Max away because my son was now pestering him over and over about the same things. But the man calmly told us not to worry about it he was enjoying talking to my son.

But Max was starting to get edgy because he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Later he played basketball with several of the men there and was having a blast. When they decided to quit he was very put out and begged them to continue. When it didn’t happen he was back in his chair badgering the man again.

It was now 5:30. We had been there for 3 hours but we knew it was almost time to leave. We called Max over and informed him that we would be going at 6 o’clock. And that’s when the you know what hit the fan. He tried to convince us to stay until 9 because the kids were going to shoot off fireworks. We were in New Hampshire; they are legal there. He wanted to stay with them.

My wife and I looked at each other and shook our heads. He was getting worse and worse. He was crying and saying some very vitriolic things to us. He ended up running off to the car and locking himself in. After we said our goodbyes we followed him.

As we got close we could hear him wailing and punching the seat. But once I had stowed our chairs into the trunk of the car he had calmed down enough to put his bike in as well. He was still pouting and stayed quiet and sullen as we headed home.

On the way I stopped at Home Depot which set him off once again. He just wanted to be home now. He kicked and screamed until he realized that I was still going in no matter what. He quieted down and followed me. He couldn’t miss this. It is, of course, one of his favorite stores.

By the time we had gotten what we needed he was back to his usual perky self. It was a good night after this though every once in awhile he would mention the fireworks he had missed.

It’s at times like this when any parent can feel totally drained. Even if they have handled the situation correctly it can still leave them shaken. Just imagine how a parent would feel who has a child with adhd, bipolar, asperger’s, or another disorder. Their child’s outburst can be one hundred times more powerful.

So many times my wife and I fall asleep on the couch soon after Max goes to bed. The plus side to all of this is that these explosions are getting less and less as time goes on. Max has been working with us, his play therapist, advocate, and mentor to channel this aggression into other areas so that he calms down much quicker and is much happier as a result.

He has a big incentive to work with us because he doesn’t like the explosions. He always feels bad once they are over.

But even though we, his parents, were beginning to be elated over how well the weekend was going we still needed to be on our guard to make sure Max stayed on balance. Without constant watch we weren’t prepared when he lost control.

But you know Mom and Dad slept well that night.

It has been really hot these last few days. It is only June for gosh sakes! I wonder what it is going to be like in July and August. We’ve been in the 90s. That is sweltering for the New England states!

My wife has been after me to finish putting in the air conditioners. I had installed the two smaller ones in the bedrooms about a month ago. I don’t have any problems lifting these.

But the big ones that go into the kitchen and office are massive. There was a time I could easily lift one of them but not anymore.

When I first met my wife just over 11 years ago I wanted to show off a little bit. Just like a guy I suppose. The first time was in the fall just after we met. She needed her air conditioner taken out of her bedroom window. Yeah, yeah, of course I can handle it.

I grabbed it and slowly opened the window. I hadn’t gotten too far when it slipped out of my hands. It fell backwards out of the window and crashed two stories down into the yard below. I whipped around and looked at my future wife. She said the shock on my face was priceless.

I ran down the stairs, out of the door, and around the house. There it was, crushed. Luckily no one had been there to get hurt. Across the street were several men building a brick wall. They had heard the crash. When I came out they started laughing and pointing at me. I just picked it up and moved it to the curb for trash. Then I sheepishly walked back into the house.

It didn’t seem to affect our blooming relationship but unfortunately her parents lived downstairs. After 10 years my father-in-law still hasn’t let me forget that day.

Late spring the following year I tried to be macho again. My future wife’s parents needed their air conditioner put in their living room window. Just like the last time I said of course I can do it.

I went into the basement to find it. I picked it up and carried it up their very narrow stairs. I had to twist some to make it work. I got it into the living room and placed it into the window.

This was fine and they were happy. But…the next day I couldn’t move! I had strained my back pretty badly. The next 12 weeks I worked with my wife’s chiropractor to get it back in shape.

Ever since that happened I have had to be careful lifting heavy objects. Luckily every spring and every fall there is someone available to help me out.

So to appease my wife I called a friend that lives on the other side of town. He is a big bear and very strong. Perhaps in a former life he was a weight lifter. He had removed the air conditioners last fall so I knew that it would take him only minutes to put them back in.

He told me he would be happy to do it but then, as is life, things kept getting in the way. He finally called me and asked if he could send his 15 year old son in to take care of them. He feels it is time that the boy gets a paying job. He thinks that this would be a good start for him; just to get used to working for money. In this case we would pay Donny five dollars which would actually come out of his father’s pocket.

This wasn’t a problem for me. As long as the boy could handle them he was welcome to install my air conditioners.

When I mentioned it to my wife she liked the idea but she commented that it might be tough for him to actually get a job because he has several disorders just like our son Max. His main one is reactive attachment disorder (RAD).  Children like this tend to react socially in inappropriate ways.

Because of this it can be difficult to hold on to a job for any length of time.

Even though Max doesn’t have this disorder we worry that because of his bipolar and asperger’s he might have problems too. But as for Donny, it’ll be great to have him move our air conditioners.

He arrived on Thursday afternoon; sweat was pouring off of him because it was so hot. I showed him what needed to be done then brought him into the basement. The first step was to tip them over. When we had that flood down there in the spring they ended up sitting in water. Luckily we found that both had drained and were completely dry.

The kid is like his dad. He lifted each of them like they were fluffy pillows. And then one at a time he carried them up and installed the first in the office and the second in the kitchen. Like his Dad, it only took a few minutes.

Before Donny left I thanked him profusely. After he was gone I called his Dad to let him know what a great job he had done. My friend was ecstatic and thanked me for allowing his son to do the job. Um, okay, not a problem.

My wife had been worried that they would smell terribly musty since they were in all of that water. Since I was home alone at the time I cleaned them and then turned them on full. Yes, they smelled badly alright! I opened all the doors and windows so hopefully the bad air would end up outside. I also sprayed the backs of them with deodorizer.

After about an hour neither one smelled musty anymore. Once my family got home there wasn’t a smell in the house and it was nice and cool.

So finally we had our little oasis in the middle of the hot weather.

But do you know what? It was too cool on Friday to even bother with any air conditioners. Better to enjoy the nice breezes anyway.

The 2010 Cub Scouts finally has come to an end. There is one overnight scheduled for August but that is pretty much separate. The ending comes with the “Blue and Gold” Ceremony. This is when the scouts finally earn their rank and the older boys move on to Boy Scouts.

It had its ups and downs for us but that is generally the case when we have places to go. The last two that we’ve been to has started at 6 pm but everything is always late. Dinner was always served after the opening ceremony but wouldn’t start until about 7 pm. After that there are the awards and then some entertainment. We are generally out of there by 9:30 pm.

This is all fine as it goes but Max is now 9 years old. He has several disorders including ADHD, Bipolar, and Aspergers. As a result he can start off calm and receptive during the evening. But then he gets very tired and anxious and this causes a lot of meltdowns.

On top of that, since dinner is so late he is cranky because he hasn’t eaten. We always try to get him to have at least a snack beforehand. But he is always too excited and can’t even stomach the thought of food.

Tonight the meet was scheduled for 5 pm and the scouts were asked to start arriving at 4:30. The new pack leader likes to run things by the book and wants everything on time.

Since it was a warm summer evening Max and I decided to walk. Or rather, I walked and he scootered. It was a nice pleasant 20 minutes. We actually arrived at 4:20. My wife was coming by car and she planned on joining us right at 5 pm.

When we arrived my son joined some of his mates and they had some fun while waiting for the program to start. But as the time got closer to 5 and there was no Mom he started to get anxious. Several times he talked me into walking to the parking lot with him to see if she had gotten there yet.

At 4:55 pm he was very upset; she hadn’t arrived. His anxiety skyrocketed:

“She’s not coming. I know she isn’t.”

“Max, she still has a few minutes before she said she would be here.”

“No, she isn’t coming.”

“I bet she is in the car right now driving over.”

He wouldn’t believe me and sat on the curb moping.

Right on time we heard the familiar rattle of her car and she pulled into the lot. As she turned into a parking space Max flew to meet her. He was so excited that she had actually arrived. Now he was ready to settle in for the festivities.

Amazingly the program started on time. The boys brought the flags in and some announcements were made. But guess what, my son was starving. Well, Duh! He didn’t have anything to eat before we got there. So he was cranky and whined until it was time to get into the food line. We were eating only 20 minutes after everything started; so much better than the hour last year.

But after all of that he only had a couple of bites before he was done. He was then off to play with the other boys. Now the anxiety was gone. He didn’t need his parents trailing after him.

But as time and the program went on Max became more and more tired. All the pictures we have of him receiving his awards and helping on stage show him yawning and yawning…and yawning. The other boys were having lots of fun; he just wanted to curl up and sleep.

After everything was complete it was time for the entertainment. That night it was a traveling petting zoo. Mom decided to go home at this point. I went and stood at the back of the room. All the children sat on the floor circling the host. As he brought out each animal the kids oohed and aahed; even screamed sometimes when seeing a particularly scary animal or when one startled them.

Max kept his eyes glued on them and when given the chance would touch or pet them. But as time went on I noticed from the back of the room he had lied down on the floor and was staring straight ahead. I went over too him and suggested that we could leave then if he wanted. But he responded as he sat up that he wanted to pat the small alligator.

When everything was over Max and I headed out the door to go home. He hopped on his scooter and flew across the parking lot. I followed leisurely behind him. Not really, I was exhausted so I was dragging myself after him.

Just as we got to the end of the parking lot a lightening bolt streaked across the sky. This was enough for my son. He returned to the building and asked me to call Mommy to get a ride. This wasn’t a problem she was waiting by the phone just in case.

When we reached home he went right to bed and was asleep by the time his head hit the pillow.

I skipped over his awards while writing this. He actually made rank; he had been working on “Bear” all year. He has gone through Tiger, Bobcat, Wolf, and now he is on the next level. Next year he will be working on Webelos I and the following year will be Webelos II before going into Boy Scouts.

He also received his swimming pin, several belt loops, recognition ribbons, and beads. He loves working on all the projects but he doesn’t see them as necessarily part of Scouting. For example, he has been swimming since he was 6 months old and has taken a lot of lessons and passed many tests. During one of our swimming sessions I gave him the Cub Scout swim test and he completed it without any problems.

Because he would be doing these things anyway getting recognition for them always surprises him. When he was handed the swimming pin he was open mouthed. Why? He was just doing something he loves; he hadn’t been doing it for the award.

Max did really well tonight. But you know, as I watched the other kids it made me think he is not much different from the “normal” ones. Don’t get me wrong, some of them may be on meds too but I can’t imagine all of them are. But they all seemed to have some of the same issues my son does based on how they were acting. Should they all be on medication? Or is medication overrated?

Today we had a meeting with DMH (Department of Mental Health) about Max.  This is a quarterly occurrence.  It is a time we can get all of his services understanding what everyone else is working on with my son.

The ideal situation is to have everyone present but today only a few were able to make it.  These included our DMH social worker, the family therapist, the parent therapist, Max’s child advocate, and my wife and I.

The subjects discussed were:

• The advocate’s treatment plan

She has two goals that she has been working on with Max:

1. The first one is to teach him coping skills to prevent physical and verbal escalations and have him utilize them 90% of the time by the end of the year.

She has instituted a “check in” sheet for him to use to help him identify his emotions and whether he should be using the coping skills.  He will also use these skills to prevent escalations.

We have noticed that he has already been using some when he thinks of it.

2. The second one is to have Max demonstrate appropriate physical and verbal boundaries 90% of the time by the end of the year.

She wants Max to record and demonstrate physical and verbal boundaries with others.  This includes walking in on them when they are using the bathroom.

We haven’t seen much improvement with these yet.

• YMCA

We requested that they look into funding Max’s membership at our local YMCA.  We have been members for years and he is there on a regular basis taking classes, swimming, playing basketball one-on-one in the gym, and working out in the exercise area.  We’ve come to a point we cannot afford the membership even with the discount they have offered us.

This would be appropriate for DMH because they have been very happy with Max’s improvement based on all of the time he spends there so they are going to look in to it.

• Other programs

We have been looking into other programs for Max to help him out.  We asked if the group knew anything about them.  The parent therapist mentioned that she had had a client go through one of them and came out vastly improved.  That sounded like a recommendation to me so I requested that our social worker follow up on it.

• Horseback riding

Last year Max spent two weeks at a farm taking care of and riding horses.  He absolutely loved it.  We asked if the program would cover it again this year.  Since they send a lot of kids to it every year they had no problem scheduling him for it.

• Evaluation issue

An issue arose when the social worker commented that she knows that Max has ADHD and Bipolar Disorder but she was not convinced he has PDD or Asperger’s.  Why didn’t she believe this?  Because some of the reports never mention it including the most recent report from his psychiatrist.

We pointed out that at Max’s first evaluation he was diagnosed with both.  This was done when he was 4.  The special school that he is in did another one just last year and came up with the same answer.  Even so, there was some discussion on whether he should have another formal one.  No decision was made about it today.

I think the meeting went very well.  The only disappointment I had was that Max’s play therapist was not available.  I feel everyone is out of the loop when it comes to knowing exactly what he is doing with my son.  I know that they play together when he is here but outside of that I don’t know what the goals and objectives are or what the status is.

The important thing is the Department of Mental Health is there to help kids.  They have been able to put Max into several programs that have been helping him.  We have seen a lot of improvement in him since he starting working with all of these people.

And it is nice to know that we aren’t doing it alone.

Max was very excited.  Today was his school’s yearly trip to Canobie Lake Park.  This is an amusement park located in New Hampshire. It’s not bad for me either.  I get to chaperone.  And since we both love the rides it promised to be a great day.

Oh, and did I mention that as a chaperone I get a huge discount on the ticket price?

There was an added bonus this year.  We got lunch too.  There is a barbeque area where they had hot dogs and hamburgers waiting for us.

Lunch started as soon as we arrived.  But even though I sat down to have a nice meal Max was way too excited.  He choked down a hot dog and left the bun.  He spent the rest of this period jumping up and down; urging me to hurry up so we could ride already!!!

First thing we did was to get a wrist band.  This is for special needs kids who have a major difficulty waiting in line to get on the rides.  It allows them to get on earlier.  This may sound unfair but trust me you don’t want to have several of these kids tantruming at the same time when they are waiting with you.

In fact, generally you won’t even notice that one of these children is getting on the ride you are waiting for.  They have to stand at the ride exit until an attendant lets them in.  Then they may have to wait a couple of turns before eventually being placed with someone who is sitting alone.

Today, however, was not really the best day for the wrist band.  It works very well when there are big crowds.  But today it was drizzling and cool.  Not too many people showed up so there wasn’t much of a wait anyway.

Once the band was on his wrist Max and I started enjoying ourselves.  Our first ride was a swing that goes around in a circle.  Imagine a merry-go-round.  But the swings are all single seats and are raised in the air before being whipped around in a circle.  Very cool…but too short.

Then Max got to drive for the first time on an antique car.  I sat in the back seat and watched how he pressed the gas peddle and used the steering wheel.  He was a little hyper so he was whipping the wheel from side to side and bouncing off the center track.  These are regular cars that are set to travel at 5 miles an hour.  The center track is a guide forcing you to stay on the course.  He loved being in control.

Then came my most favorite ride.  It is called the Yankee Cannonball.  It is one of those old wooden rollercoasters that, until just a few years ago, was the largest of its kind.  It was built in 1930 and is a very bumpy ride; not smooth like the newer ones.  Even though Max rode it several times today, this was my last ride.  You see, he found some friends to play with afterwards and just left me trailing behind.

I won’t continue with all the rides he went on except to say that there was one that he was kicked off of.  This was called the Star Blaster.  It is one of those rides where you sit in the seat and then get raised up very high in the air.  It then goes into freefall; you scream all the way down.  And then it bounces up and down until it stops.

For some reason he was allowed onto the ride.  They strapped him into the seat.  Then one attendant came along, determined that he was too small, and removed him.  Poor Max.  Not only was he being told he was too young but he was embarrassed because his friends had been sitting beside him.  This was the only ride that he wasn’t allowed on!

But this isn’t all about going to an amusement park and having fun.  It is about Max.  He kept getting more and more hyper.  My wife later commented that she thought the rides would calm him down like they usually do.  Nope!  He just kept getting wilder and wilder.  It got so bad I started considering taking him home early.

I didn’t have to worry however.  He found one ride, a large log flume that specializes in getting people soaking wet.  And I mean drenched!  It is great on a hot sunny day because it cools you down.  Then even though your clothes are dripping wet the sun dries them in no time.

Today it was a different story.  It was cool and drizzling so clothes never dried off.  A lot of people were going into restrooms and using the hand dryers to get rid of the water.

Max kept going on this one over and over again.  As he did he also got colder and wetter.  I had a towel with me that he had been using earlier in the park’s swimming pool.  I used it to wrap around him every time he got off.  The more he rode the quieter and less wild he got.  He didn’t get calmer, just more internalized.  I could tell because he starting staring off into space.

When he was riding I starting talking to a woman beside me.  Her daughter was sitting with Max on the flume.  She mentioned how we would never understand her daughter.  I smiled and described some of the ways my son acts and she became very excited.  She had found someone else that could understand what she goes through.

Too many people believe that we are bad parents that let our kids get away with bad behavior.  They don’t understand the issues surrounding disorders such as Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome.

While we talked Max and her daughter rode the flume almost 10 times.  At the end of it he requested that I wrap him very tightly with the towel and then guide him back to the car.  He was groggy and glassy eyed now.  He really wanted to stay but he realized that he wasn’t going to be able to continue.  I had to help him into the car and buckle him in.

By the time we got home he had settled down and was relaxed and happy.

He had his moments today but surprisingly he handled himself well.  When he was kicked off the ride he was upset and walked away.  Usually he will have a huge meltdown requiring us to remove him from public areas.

This was a day that he could have fun and not worry about being calm and in control.  And I had fun too…though I would have liked to have gone on more rides with him.  But hey, the summer is young.

Max was excited. After hearing his grandfather’s stories about building houses and doing small woodworking projects he has always wanted to be involved in something big.

We had stopped over to my brother’s house to find him rebuilding an old porch.

“Hey, Maxie, come on over and help me with this.”

Really? Max was overjoyed. He didn’t waste any time running over and grabbing onto the wood my brother was cutting.

This was something both had talked about for a long time. My son has wanted to spend some time with his uncle. Brad has always believed that he can turn Max around and get him off of the drugs. He once told me that he would like to take him away to Maine for a week; he would come back a changed boy.

I was all for the trip but I also knew what Brad didn’t. He would have his hands full with something he just doesn’t understand. He imagines that his nephew is a normal boy that just has lousy parents.

He has seen a little of Max’s temper but when this happens at a family gathering rather than just separate him from Brad’s kids my brother always believed we should have just taken him home. It didn’t matter that his children had instigated any of the problems.

This always reminded me of a friend of mine that has a daughter with Asperger’s. She is 18 years old now but when she was going through middle and high schools the kids would tease her or bully her for fun. But they would do it in a quiet way; that is, nothing was overt that the teachers would notice.

She would react badly, trying to defend herself. And guess what? She was the one sent to the principal’s office. She was the one suspended. And it was her parents fighting to right the injustices of the school system.

Don’t get me wrong, I know my wife and I aren’t perfect but we struggle every day to find new ways of help our son. You know what? We would rather he wasn’t on these drugs too, or at least cut way down.

But today I was going to see how Brad would react to Max. My boy started off very hyper because he was so excited about working with his uncle. He was holding the wood as it was cut but he wasn’t very steady. My brother had to speak to him several times.

Every time I would open my mouth to suggest Max listen to him Brad would tell me it was okay. He did his best to guide him through each thing that he wanted him to do.

After we had been there some time Max saw a spider. Now like a lot of kids, he doesn’t like them and is a little afraid of them too. He tried to kill it. Brad spoke to him. Max didn’t listen and kept trying to get it. My brother also kept trying to stop him but he was very hyper focused on what he was doing. He couldn’t hear anyone talking to him he just concentrated on bashing the spider.

When he met his goal he was ready to continue working. My brother took him aside and in a very quiet voice said to him, “Max, when a spider is in the house it is okay to get rid of him because he’s in the house. But if he is outside that is his world and he has a right to be there. You must leave him alone.”

I’m not sure Max understood this especially since I had to remind him a few days later when he was chasing a spider around our back yard.

It seemed like the longer we stayed the more he started to act out; the more he stopped listening. I think he was totally overwhelmed with accomplishing such a huge goal: being with my brother. But I could tell Brad was a little overwhelmed too. But I don’t think he was considering Max’s disorders in all of this. I think he was seeing my son’s actions as the failings of his parents.

Perhaps that is so but if he can suggest some better ways to improve these issues I want to hear them. I don’t want prove or disprove them. I want to help Max as much as I can.

During all of this Brad’s youngest daughter had been in the house playing on the computer. She came out to ask her Dad a question and “discovered” that her cousin was there. She wanted to play with him and now there was a conflict. Max wanted to stay outside and be around his uncle while they played. She just wanted to be inside.

I got to see some interaction between a “normal” child and one with disorders. Neither one wanted to compromise. I suggested ten minutes inside and the same outside. Max went in for 2 minutes and then insisted on going back out. She wasn’t having any of that. They were both frustrated.

But of course, as we were leaving she came outside and both started having a great time together. She actually begged me to stay but it was too late in the day and we had to get home.

I want to see more interactions between Max and his uncle and cousin. I want to see him spend more time with “normal” children. I have found that because he is with other kids with disorders so much his issues are always in his face. It bothers him because he wants to be “normal”.

The summer has started. Max will spend more time with Brad and his kids and this will be a good thing. The more he learns to play with other kids; the more he learns to listen to and interact with adults, the sooner he will be able to accomplish two other goals:

• Feeling “normal” and

• Going back to a normal school.

And this will be a great thing!

I have written several posts on how “it takes a village to raise a child”. Too many parents assume they have all the answers when it comes to bringing up their own. Others admit that they aren’t confident that they really know what to do. Still others just try to “wing it”; live day by day and hope their choices are the right ones. And all are stunned if their children grow up badly stunted morally and ethically.

I am a firm believer that people shouldn’t do it alone. Talk to other parents, search for information online, and read constantly. I have even suggested parenting books to help in the process.

Larry Winget, in his book “Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible, Productive Adults”, states that every parent should have a plan. Know exactly how you are going to raise your kids. If you follow a step by step process and keep the end in mind you will raise a responsible adult.

This made me think and I started by asking myself some hard questions:

What kind of man do I want Max to become?

He must be:

• Honest

• Forthright

• A good provider

• A good family man

• Even tempered

• A hard worker

• Respected

He must understand and practice:

• truth

• honor

• loyalty

• commitment

He should also enjoy life and enjoy his family.

What will Max need to know to be that man?

Because he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome he needs to understand that he may have to be on some type of medication as an adult. He will also need to know the tools to circumvent the symptoms of each of these.

Like other children he will have to learn the tools to:

• control his temper

• control his language

• interact productively with other people

• be respectful

Have I taught him anything yet that will get Max there?

This is a hard question for me. I know he has learned a lot but in his frustration he forgets.

But he does know how to protect his Mom from threats. He knows how to treat her with respect because I have seen him do it.

He understands respecting the truth but at 9 years old he has been testing the “lying” waters.

He works hard when he is in “production mode”.

What else will I need to teach Max?

I need to step up my modeling behaviors. Max needs to see how I:

• treat my wife well

• treat him well

• work harder and better

• take control of discipline, family life, and spirituality

• control frustration

• do my best

• enjoy life

I have to teach him morals and ethics.

I need to find and teach the tools that will help him succeed.

I have to teach him to implement what he has already learned from me. Right now he knows a lot. For example, he knows how to respect his mother. But until he learns and integrates the tools that control his anger and impulsivity he will continue to ignore what he knows.

Right now I have been relying on his teachers, mentor, play therapist, and advocate to teach him what he should know. This is okay. I believe “it takes a village…” but I need to be more proactive so that I know their plan and can make suggestions for improvement. I need to take more of the responsibility of raising him too.

For me this is a first draft. As I go along and as Max gets older I expect that I will be modifying both this lists and the way I train him.

Because, let’s face it, I want Max to succeed just like other parents want their children to be successful.

Just like other children my son Max wants to have friends. But unlike other children it is not easy for him to make friends. He has Bipolar Disorder, ADD, and Asperger’s. The combination causes him to be very self-involved, explosive, and unable to have normal conversations.

My wife and I are constantly setting up play dates and then praying that they work out. When they don’t the other parents suddenly become unresponsive when we call.

Lately Max has been working with a play therapist to work through his issues. He has also been seeing a child advocate who is teaching him different social and anger management skills.

We have seen some progress with his anger. Sometimes now instead of throwing things and cursing, he will lock himself away in his toy room until he calms down. He has a long way to go but it is nice to see some improvement.

But one skill he has been working on caught us off guard one day. And I must say we were surprised and excited. My wife walked over with him to his friend’s house. They found the boy playing street hockey with another friend.

Max stood at the side watching them. He said “Hi” and they responded but continued to play.

He watched a little longer and then said to the other boy, “Hey, we were in kindergarten and baseball together. How are things?”

“OK” as he continued playing.

Later Max said, “Hey, when you guys are finished playing do you want to scooter around the neighborhood?”

His friend answered, “No, I have to go in for dinner when the game is over and Bill has to go home.”

Hmm, okay, Max continued to watch, “Hey, can I play?”

“No, we are almost finished.”

After another few minutes Max said, “Well, it was nice to see you guys, I’m going to head off now.”

The other boys just grunted and continued to play.

He left with my wife and as they turned a corner she said, “Max, I’m very proud of how you handled that situation. Give me a high 5!”

After slapping hands the two stopped at another house. The two girls there were at home playing and excited that he had come over. Max turned to his mother and said, “Mommy, you don’t have to stay. I’ll be home when I am done playing.”

My wife couldn’t wait to tell me what had happened when she got home. And it excited me to hear it. Even though the other boys’ social skills left a lot to be desired we can see that Max is able to use what he is learning from his Advocate. With practice he should be able to make more friends and perhaps lessen the number of phone calls his mother and I need to make.