Posts tagged ‘bipolar disorder’

Catchy title huh? Why would anyone want to reinforce negative behaviors? Certainly not parents! We don’t want to raise our kids to be adults who have tantrums or scream or steal or any number of other bad things.

When I was writing my post on Modeling Behaviors I had been reading a lot of information on that topic. I came across something today about how parents knowingly or unknowingly reinforce behaviors in our kids that are inappropriate.

How do we do that?

You can probably guess one that a lot of people do. Their kid has been acting badly all day and they are exhausted. The kid now asks for something he really want and the parents refuse. But the child keeps asking. Constantly. Over and over again. Now he is having a tantrum.

To stop all of the noise the parents give in. The child has learned a huge lesson: to get what he wants he only needs to have a meltdown.

I don’t know how many times my wife and I used to see these actions as being part of his adhd or his bipolar disorder or his asperger’s syndrome and just let things go. We would end up giving him what he wanted. But this only made him happy for a few minutes before he would find something else he wanted and the cycle would start all over again.

And you know, I can’t say that he was even happy for that short amount of time. It always seems that he is not happy unless he is unhappy…however that works.

But there is more to it than just that. What happens when a child misbehaves? She gets her parents’ attention! Every time we lose our temper, yell, or lecture she has won!

Yes she has.

It happens so often in my family. Max will begin doing inappropriate things and will be oblivious to our reactions until we scream. Then it is “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” and he has the expectation that everything will be fine.

It doesn’t matter if the attention is good or bad it is now focused on him. He has learned how to “push his parents’ buttons”. What is going to happen when he grows up? He will probably continue to use these methods to either get his way or get the attention he craves.

We all, as parents, have to decide whether we want our children to learn good techniques to use when they grow up or continue to use inappropriate ways to interact with other people.

If we decide that we want these kids to be good and moral adults then we have to “practice what we preach”. That is, stop the swearing, the yelling, and the tantrums. Not only do our children see it is okay to do these things because their parents do it but they also get all the attention they want.

Oh, and about that attention. Why are we giving them all of this when they are doing bad things? They know what they are doing is wrong; we don’t need to spend 15 minutes or more explaining it. Tell them what you expect of them and then go away.

This serves a two-fold purpose:

• It lets the kids know that they must stop what they are doing.

• It doesn’t give them all of the attention they are looking for.

If they need attention give it to them for better reasons. Recognize them for a job well done.

“Great job taking out the trash.”

“I love how you straightened up your toy room. What do you say we play a game now?”

“Hey, you kids are playing really well together. Let’s go for an ice cream.”

There are a lot of ways we can give them good attention. You probably give them some already but do you find that they receive more bad attention then good? Turn it around.

And I’ll bet you that the more good attention they receive there will be less need for the bad. They will find that they are much happier without all of the yelling, swearing, and tantrums.

What do you think?

It is now the middle of the summer. What would it be for a nine year old boy if he didn’t have his first job? Max was approached by our next door neighbors to see if he would be willing to water their plants and vegetable garden while they were away.

His answer? “Well, duh!”

Not really, he said he was interested.

“How much would you like to be paid?”

“Ummm, $2.00″

“Okay, we were thinking of paying you $2.00 per day. That would be $20.00. Would that work?”

“Yes, Yes!” And the deal was set.

The job was not a surprise to me. They had come over originally and asked me if it would be okay to hire him. I thought it was a great plan. It is time that he started learning about working and paying jobs.

Just before they left they dropped off a map of their yard and a schedule. Hmm, more complicated than I thought. But really, the first part was simple: use the sprinkler on one section of their lawn every other day. That’s easy enough.

On the other days the vegetable garden gets soaked three times; each flower bed in the front, back, and side yards get watered twice and the 3 potted plants get simple sprays.

Max was excited; he was now going to be earning money for doing work in the neighborhood. He is already planning to open a landscaping company…when he is ten years old. The new company will water plants and trim lawn edges.

The first day was easy; all he had to do was set up the sprinkler on one section of lawn and let it run for twenty minutes. Instead of going off to play he stayed and danced through the water. You can bet Mom made a rule that from now on he had to wear a bathing suit when doing this job.

The next day was not very difficult but it was very boring to a nine year old boy. He had to soak seven separate gardens in the yard by hand. When completed he had to do it all over again a second time. The vegetable garden actually got three separate soakings. But he managed very well.

Day three was the sprinkler again so this went well. It was the following day when things really fell apart. This was soaking day again. He started out okay but it was late in the day and he was losing control.

It started with distraction. He became absorbed with changing the settings on the hose nozzle over and over again. He started with “mist” which was a very light spray and moved up through each until he got to “jet” which just pounded water out of the hose. This would have been okay if he hadn’t been pointing directly it at the vegetables at the time. Deep ruts started appearing in the ground and leaves were crushed.

I now had to guide him over to the plants but he couldn’t keep his mind on the job. He kept flipping the water over his head and at his mother. It all culminated in him dropping the hose and scrambling up the lone tree on the front lawn in the dark. While his Mom finished the watering I spent my time talking Max down and leading him around the yard in an attempt to settle him down.

Every once in awhile he would remember that he had a job to do. He would run over to Mom and wrest the hose from her hand and continue watering. But this wouldn’t last very long before he would be off in his head again.

On the plus side, by the time the day’s job was done he had calmed down and was ready to go on into bed.

These people have two driveways, one on the front of the house, and the other on the side. Two days later at Max’s watering time we discovered the front drive being paved. This meant that there would be no watering that day. And he had just done the back the night before so this was out.

The next night he was able to start over again but had to adjust the schedule to make sure the garden and plants got enough water. Then the side drive was completed and more planning had to be done. The paver knew that he was cutting into my son’s schedule and therefore was losing money. He hired Max to do a little paving with him. He paid him $2.00 per driveway covering any lost wages.

For the rest of the days Max watered everything and did his best to get on schedule. My neighbors arrived back last night so he hasn’t had time yet to settle up with them.

Except for the one day when his ADHD and Bipolar kicked in Max did an excellent job. But I think it also gave him a chance to start learning what it will be like in the real world when he gets older and needs to earn money.

Have you ever heard the phrase “The Honeymoon Period”?

A honeymoon is a trip or holiday that is taken by a couple that has just gotten married. The honeymoon period is the early harmonious time in their relationship.

The phrase can also be applied to other situations such as the first few months of a newly elected president. People generally give their new officials a lot of freedom in that period; then assess their performances at the end of that time. Then, as is often the case, discord results as it becomes apparent that their leaders cannot live up to expectations.

But it can also refer to changes in family life. Recently I have written several posts about the new House Rules we have been implementing in our home. My son Max was not thrilled initially with them; especially when they were posted on our living room wall.

But then he conformed to them. They went up on Monday. He was great Monday and all of Tuesday. Some of the rules required the loss of some of his allowance for infractions. He was okay with that. In fact if he thought we were too lenient he would take more money out himself.

But then Wednesday morning the “you know what” hit the fan. He woke up angry and attacked anyone and anything in his path. Before the school van arrived at 7:15 a.m. he had lost his whole allowance for this week from all of the hitting, swearing, screaming, and throwing things. The only thing that finally settled him down was the required time out. Because of all the problems it lasted twenty minutes. He also lost his current most favorite toy for the day.

Not only was that unexpected for him but the bigger shock was when next week’s allowance chart was posted and he started losing money from that as well. He has informed us that he will not follow the rules anymore. He blames them for the increased number of tantrums he has been having. And you know, he is probably right. He doesn’t like the idea of losing his freedom no matter how unhappy it makes him.

The “honeymoon period” is over. Monday and Tuesday he was testing the waters. On Wednesday was the beginning of the resistance. According to our counselors if we stick to it these problems should all be over in a week. I hesitate to mention it but it takes three to four weeks to break habits, no matter how bad they are.

At the same time we have to remember that Max has been diagnosed with:

• Bipolar Disorder – with the accompanying rages and explosive temper tantrums, and oppositional and aggressive behaviors.

• ADHD – including interruptions and intrusions on others; and not appearing to listen.

These issues may make it harder in the near term to enforce the rules.

So Wednesday was day one of the resistance. He battled us constantly. My wife and I were strong and consistently enforced the consequences.

By Friday morning Max had started to conform again; he has only lost twenty cents since Wednesday night. But he was unhappy. He has finally realized he is really losing money from his allowance. He has been telling us that it is too hard to follow the rules. We asked him why:

• Swearing is too much of a habit; he doesn’t know how to stop. We responded that he never swears in school. Not only that he has already been doing it less at home since we instituted the rules.

• He doesn’t understand the yelling and whining rule. I assume it is based on the fact that his parents still do it a little bit and he sees that.

• There are other rules he doesn’t get. These are obvious ones like disobeying and threatening. We think these are really delaying tactics. They are pretty straight forward.

Even though he has the disorders which may make the rules harder to enforce; just the fact that he is a child who hasn’t had a consistent set of rules will cause him to fight back.

At the same time, this is only the start. The rules were only defined on Monday; this is only Friday. He will learn them and he will eventually conform to them.

As long as we stay consistent.

On Saturday during the Fourth of July weekend we got an invitation to a barbeque being held by one of my nieces on Sunday. This was great. I’ve talked about the structure my son Max needs to function. Sunday was a big hole for us. Certainly we had church in the morning but nothing was planned for the afternoon.

When Max discovered we were going he was extremely excited. He could barely contain himself as we drove up north. He likes my niece and her sister a lot but they are quite a bit older and have kids. My niece has an 8 year old son that Max enjoys playing with. My boy is 9.

He insisted on bringing his bicycle and scooter which we crammed into the back seat. This meant he had to sit cross legged for the 40 minute drive. He sat in back with them while my wife and I stayed up front.

Upon arrival he wasted no time in pulling out the bike and running over to meet his cousin’s son. They both disappeared down the street while my wife and I went in to greet the adults.

As I said Max needs structure to keep him balanced. We’ve done a pretty good job this weekend with the town festival on Friday; his road race and fireworks on Saturday; and now the barbeque. I think we started to feel good about our achievement. He hadn’t had too many meltdowns and he has behaved pretty well. But we started gloating too soon.

It started with the boys going their separate ways. Max sat in a chair just staring at the crowd while his cousin went to playing with the other younger kids. To be fair to him he was very tired. After his heavy duty Saturday he had actually slept to 8:30 Sunday morning. This is unimaginable for a kid that likes to be up by 5 or 6. Not only that, he didn’t wake up on his own. When the cat started howling at his bedroom door he struggled out of bed.

Not long afterwards a man and his wife sat next to him. Very nice people though initially I stereotyped him. He was a biker covered in tattoos. His head was shaved and he wore earrings. Max was fascinated; I was a little nervous. My son wanted to trade things with him like sunglasses, shoes, and knives. But the man calmly talked to him like an equal and parried all of his requests.

Several times we tried to steer Max away because my son was now pestering him over and over about the same things. But the man calmly told us not to worry about it he was enjoying talking to my son.

But Max was starting to get edgy because he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Later he played basketball with several of the men there and was having a blast. When they decided to quit he was very put out and begged them to continue. When it didn’t happen he was back in his chair badgering the man again.

It was now 5:30. We had been there for 3 hours but we knew it was almost time to leave. We called Max over and informed him that we would be going at 6 o’clock. And that’s when the you know what hit the fan. He tried to convince us to stay until 9 because the kids were going to shoot off fireworks. We were in New Hampshire; they are legal there. He wanted to stay with them.

My wife and I looked at each other and shook our heads. He was getting worse and worse. He was crying and saying some very vitriolic things to us. He ended up running off to the car and locking himself in. After we said our goodbyes we followed him.

As we got close we could hear him wailing and punching the seat. But once I had stowed our chairs into the trunk of the car he had calmed down enough to put his bike in as well. He was still pouting and stayed quiet and sullen as we headed home.

On the way I stopped at Home Depot which set him off once again. He just wanted to be home now. He kicked and screamed until he realized that I was still going in no matter what. He quieted down and followed me. He couldn’t miss this. It is, of course, one of his favorite stores.

By the time we had gotten what we needed he was back to his usual perky self. It was a good night after this though every once in awhile he would mention the fireworks he had missed.

It’s at times like this when any parent can feel totally drained. Even if they have handled the situation correctly it can still leave them shaken. Just imagine how a parent would feel who has a child with adhd, bipolar, asperger’s, or another disorder. Their child’s outburst can be one hundred times more powerful.

So many times my wife and I fall asleep on the couch soon after Max goes to bed. The plus side to all of this is that these explosions are getting less and less as time goes on. Max has been working with us, his play therapist, advocate, and mentor to channel this aggression into other areas so that he calms down much quicker and is much happier as a result.

He has a big incentive to work with us because he doesn’t like the explosions. He always feels bad once they are over.

But even though we, his parents, were beginning to be elated over how well the weekend was going we still needed to be on our guard to make sure Max stayed on balance. Without constant watch we weren’t prepared when he lost control.

But you know Mom and Dad slept well that night.

It has been really hot these last few days. It is only June for gosh sakes! I wonder what it is going to be like in July and August. We’ve been in the 90s. That is sweltering for the New England states!

My wife has been after me to finish putting in the air conditioners. I had installed the two smaller ones in the bedrooms about a month ago. I don’t have any problems lifting these.

But the big ones that go into the kitchen and office are massive. There was a time I could easily lift one of them but not anymore.

When I first met my wife just over 11 years ago I wanted to show off a little bit. Just like a guy I suppose. The first time was in the fall just after we met. She needed her air conditioner taken out of her bedroom window. Yeah, yeah, of course I can handle it.

I grabbed it and slowly opened the window. I hadn’t gotten too far when it slipped out of my hands. It fell backwards out of the window and crashed two stories down into the yard below. I whipped around and looked at my future wife. She said the shock on my face was priceless.

I ran down the stairs, out of the door, and around the house. There it was, crushed. Luckily no one had been there to get hurt. Across the street were several men building a brick wall. They had heard the crash. When I came out they started laughing and pointing at me. I just picked it up and moved it to the curb for trash. Then I sheepishly walked back into the house.

It didn’t seem to affect our blooming relationship but unfortunately her parents lived downstairs. After 10 years my father-in-law still hasn’t let me forget that day.

Late spring the following year I tried to be macho again. My future wife’s parents needed their air conditioner put in their living room window. Just like the last time I said of course I can do it.

I went into the basement to find it. I picked it up and carried it up their very narrow stairs. I had to twist some to make it work. I got it into the living room and placed it into the window.

This was fine and they were happy. But…the next day I couldn’t move! I had strained my back pretty badly. The next 12 weeks I worked with my wife’s chiropractor to get it back in shape.

Ever since that happened I have had to be careful lifting heavy objects. Luckily every spring and every fall there is someone available to help me out.

So to appease my wife I called a friend that lives on the other side of town. He is a big bear and very strong. Perhaps in a former life he was a weight lifter. He had removed the air conditioners last fall so I knew that it would take him only minutes to put them back in.

He told me he would be happy to do it but then, as is life, things kept getting in the way. He finally called me and asked if he could send his 15 year old son in to take care of them. He feels it is time that the boy gets a paying job. He thinks that this would be a good start for him; just to get used to working for money. In this case we would pay Donny five dollars which would actually come out of his father’s pocket.

This wasn’t a problem for me. As long as the boy could handle them he was welcome to install my air conditioners.

When I mentioned it to my wife she liked the idea but she commented that it might be tough for him to actually get a job because he has several disorders just like our son Max. His main one is reactive attachment disorder (RAD).  Children like this tend to react socially in inappropriate ways.

Because of this it can be difficult to hold on to a job for any length of time.

Even though Max doesn’t have this disorder we worry that because of his bipolar and asperger’s he might have problems too. But as for Donny, it’ll be great to have him move our air conditioners.

He arrived on Thursday afternoon; sweat was pouring off of him because it was so hot. I showed him what needed to be done then brought him into the basement. The first step was to tip them over. When we had that flood down there in the spring they ended up sitting in water. Luckily we found that both had drained and were completely dry.

The kid is like his dad. He lifted each of them like they were fluffy pillows. And then one at a time he carried them up and installed the first in the office and the second in the kitchen. Like his Dad, it only took a few minutes.

Before Donny left I thanked him profusely. After he was gone I called his Dad to let him know what a great job he had done. My friend was ecstatic and thanked me for allowing his son to do the job. Um, okay, not a problem.

My wife had been worried that they would smell terribly musty since they were in all of that water. Since I was home alone at the time I cleaned them and then turned them on full. Yes, they smelled badly alright! I opened all the doors and windows so hopefully the bad air would end up outside. I also sprayed the backs of them with deodorizer.

After about an hour neither one smelled musty anymore. Once my family got home there wasn’t a smell in the house and it was nice and cool.

So finally we had our little oasis in the middle of the hot weather.

But do you know what? It was too cool on Friday to even bother with any air conditioners. Better to enjoy the nice breezes anyway.

The 2010 Cub Scouts finally has come to an end. There is one overnight scheduled for August but that is pretty much separate. The ending comes with the “Blue and Gold” Ceremony. This is when the scouts finally earn their rank and the older boys move on to Boy Scouts.

It had its ups and downs for us but that is generally the case when we have places to go. The last two that we’ve been to has started at 6 pm but everything is always late. Dinner was always served after the opening ceremony but wouldn’t start until about 7 pm. After that there are the awards and then some entertainment. We are generally out of there by 9:30 pm.

This is all fine as it goes but Max is now 9 years old. He has several disorders including ADHD, Bipolar, and Aspergers. As a result he can start off calm and receptive during the evening. But then he gets very tired and anxious and this causes a lot of meltdowns.

On top of that, since dinner is so late he is cranky because he hasn’t eaten. We always try to get him to have at least a snack beforehand. But he is always too excited and can’t even stomach the thought of food.

Tonight the meet was scheduled for 5 pm and the scouts were asked to start arriving at 4:30. The new pack leader likes to run things by the book and wants everything on time.

Since it was a warm summer evening Max and I decided to walk. Or rather, I walked and he scootered. It was a nice pleasant 20 minutes. We actually arrived at 4:20. My wife was coming by car and she planned on joining us right at 5 pm.

When we arrived my son joined some of his mates and they had some fun while waiting for the program to start. But as the time got closer to 5 and there was no Mom he started to get anxious. Several times he talked me into walking to the parking lot with him to see if she had gotten there yet.

At 4:55 pm he was very upset; she hadn’t arrived. His anxiety skyrocketed:

“She’s not coming. I know she isn’t.”

“Max, she still has a few minutes before she said she would be here.”

“No, she isn’t coming.”

“I bet she is in the car right now driving over.”

He wouldn’t believe me and sat on the curb moping.

Right on time we heard the familiar rattle of her car and she pulled into the lot. As she turned into a parking space Max flew to meet her. He was so excited that she had actually arrived. Now he was ready to settle in for the festivities.

Amazingly the program started on time. The boys brought the flags in and some announcements were made. But guess what, my son was starving. Well, Duh! He didn’t have anything to eat before we got there. So he was cranky and whined until it was time to get into the food line. We were eating only 20 minutes after everything started; so much better than the hour last year.

But after all of that he only had a couple of bites before he was done. He was then off to play with the other boys. Now the anxiety was gone. He didn’t need his parents trailing after him.

But as time and the program went on Max became more and more tired. All the pictures we have of him receiving his awards and helping on stage show him yawning and yawning…and yawning. The other boys were having lots of fun; he just wanted to curl up and sleep.

After everything was complete it was time for the entertainment. That night it was a traveling petting zoo. Mom decided to go home at this point. I went and stood at the back of the room. All the children sat on the floor circling the host. As he brought out each animal the kids oohed and aahed; even screamed sometimes when seeing a particularly scary animal or when one startled them.

Max kept his eyes glued on them and when given the chance would touch or pet them. But as time went on I noticed from the back of the room he had lied down on the floor and was staring straight ahead. I went over too him and suggested that we could leave then if he wanted. But he responded as he sat up that he wanted to pat the small alligator.

When everything was over Max and I headed out the door to go home. He hopped on his scooter and flew across the parking lot. I followed leisurely behind him. Not really, I was exhausted so I was dragging myself after him.

Just as we got to the end of the parking lot a lightening bolt streaked across the sky. This was enough for my son. He returned to the building and asked me to call Mommy to get a ride. This wasn’t a problem she was waiting by the phone just in case.

When we reached home he went right to bed and was asleep by the time his head hit the pillow.

I skipped over his awards while writing this. He actually made rank; he had been working on “Bear” all year. He has gone through Tiger, Bobcat, Wolf, and now he is on the next level. Next year he will be working on Webelos I and the following year will be Webelos II before going into Boy Scouts.

He also received his swimming pin, several belt loops, recognition ribbons, and beads. He loves working on all the projects but he doesn’t see them as necessarily part of Scouting. For example, he has been swimming since he was 6 months old and has taken a lot of lessons and passed many tests. During one of our swimming sessions I gave him the Cub Scout swim test and he completed it without any problems.

Because he would be doing these things anyway getting recognition for them always surprises him. When he was handed the swimming pin he was open mouthed. Why? He was just doing something he loves; he hadn’t been doing it for the award.

Max did really well tonight. But you know, as I watched the other kids it made me think he is not much different from the “normal” ones. Don’t get me wrong, some of them may be on meds too but I can’t imagine all of them are. But they all seemed to have some of the same issues my son does based on how they were acting. Should they all be on medication? Or is medication overrated?

Today we had a meeting with DMH (Department of Mental Health) about Max.  This is a quarterly occurrence.  It is a time we can get all of his services understanding what everyone else is working on with my son.

The ideal situation is to have everyone present but today only a few were able to make it.  These included our DMH social worker, the family therapist, the parent therapist, Max’s child advocate, and my wife and I.

The subjects discussed were:

• The advocate’s treatment plan

She has two goals that she has been working on with Max:

1. The first one is to teach him coping skills to prevent physical and verbal escalations and have him utilize them 90% of the time by the end of the year.

She has instituted a “check in” sheet for him to use to help him identify his emotions and whether he should be using the coping skills.  He will also use these skills to prevent escalations.

We have noticed that he has already been using some when he thinks of it.

2. The second one is to have Max demonstrate appropriate physical and verbal boundaries 90% of the time by the end of the year.

She wants Max to record and demonstrate physical and verbal boundaries with others.  This includes walking in on them when they are using the bathroom.

We haven’t seen much improvement with these yet.

• YMCA

We requested that they look into funding Max’s membership at our local YMCA.  We have been members for years and he is there on a regular basis taking classes, swimming, playing basketball one-on-one in the gym, and working out in the exercise area.  We’ve come to a point we cannot afford the membership even with the discount they have offered us.

This would be appropriate for DMH because they have been very happy with Max’s improvement based on all of the time he spends there so they are going to look in to it.

• Other programs

We have been looking into other programs for Max to help him out.  We asked if the group knew anything about them.  The parent therapist mentioned that she had had a client go through one of them and came out vastly improved.  That sounded like a recommendation to me so I requested that our social worker follow up on it.

• Horseback riding

Last year Max spent two weeks at a farm taking care of and riding horses.  He absolutely loved it.  We asked if the program would cover it again this year.  Since they send a lot of kids to it every year they had no problem scheduling him for it.

• Evaluation issue

An issue arose when the social worker commented that she knows that Max has ADHD and Bipolar Disorder but she was not convinced he has PDD or Asperger’s.  Why didn’t she believe this?  Because some of the reports never mention it including the most recent report from his psychiatrist.

We pointed out that at Max’s first evaluation he was diagnosed with both.  This was done when he was 4.  The special school that he is in did another one just last year and came up with the same answer.  Even so, there was some discussion on whether he should have another formal one.  No decision was made about it today.

I think the meeting went very well.  The only disappointment I had was that Max’s play therapist was not available.  I feel everyone is out of the loop when it comes to knowing exactly what he is doing with my son.  I know that they play together when he is here but outside of that I don’t know what the goals and objectives are or what the status is.

The important thing is the Department of Mental Health is there to help kids.  They have been able to put Max into several programs that have been helping him.  We have seen a lot of improvement in him since he starting working with all of these people.

And it is nice to know that we aren’t doing it alone.

Max was very excited.  Today was his school’s yearly trip to Canobie Lake Park.  This is an amusement park located in New Hampshire. It’s not bad for me either.  I get to chaperone.  And since we both love the rides it promised to be a great day.

Oh, and did I mention that as a chaperone I get a huge discount on the ticket price?

There was an added bonus this year.  We got lunch too.  There is a barbeque area where they had hot dogs and hamburgers waiting for us.

Lunch started as soon as we arrived.  But even though I sat down to have a nice meal Max was way too excited.  He choked down a hot dog and left the bun.  He spent the rest of this period jumping up and down; urging me to hurry up so we could ride already!!!

First thing we did was to get a wrist band.  This is for special needs kids who have a major difficulty waiting in line to get on the rides.  It allows them to get on earlier.  This may sound unfair but trust me you don’t want to have several of these kids tantruming at the same time when they are waiting with you.

In fact, generally you won’t even notice that one of these children is getting on the ride you are waiting for.  They have to stand at the ride exit until an attendant lets them in.  Then they may have to wait a couple of turns before eventually being placed with someone who is sitting alone.

Today, however, was not really the best day for the wrist band.  It works very well when there are big crowds.  But today it was drizzling and cool.  Not too many people showed up so there wasn’t much of a wait anyway.

Once the band was on his wrist Max and I started enjoying ourselves.  Our first ride was a swing that goes around in a circle.  Imagine a merry-go-round.  But the swings are all single seats and are raised in the air before being whipped around in a circle.  Very cool…but too short.

Then Max got to drive for the first time on an antique car.  I sat in the back seat and watched how he pressed the gas peddle and used the steering wheel.  He was a little hyper so he was whipping the wheel from side to side and bouncing off the center track.  These are regular cars that are set to travel at 5 miles an hour.  The center track is a guide forcing you to stay on the course.  He loved being in control.

Then came my most favorite ride.  It is called the Yankee Cannonball.  It is one of those old wooden rollercoasters that, until just a few years ago, was the largest of its kind.  It was built in 1930 and is a very bumpy ride; not smooth like the newer ones.  Even though Max rode it several times today, this was my last ride.  You see, he found some friends to play with afterwards and just left me trailing behind.

I won’t continue with all the rides he went on except to say that there was one that he was kicked off of.  This was called the Star Blaster.  It is one of those rides where you sit in the seat and then get raised up very high in the air.  It then goes into freefall; you scream all the way down.  And then it bounces up and down until it stops.

For some reason he was allowed onto the ride.  They strapped him into the seat.  Then one attendant came along, determined that he was too small, and removed him.  Poor Max.  Not only was he being told he was too young but he was embarrassed because his friends had been sitting beside him.  This was the only ride that he wasn’t allowed on!

But this isn’t all about going to an amusement park and having fun.  It is about Max.  He kept getting more and more hyper.  My wife later commented that she thought the rides would calm him down like they usually do.  Nope!  He just kept getting wilder and wilder.  It got so bad I started considering taking him home early.

I didn’t have to worry however.  He found one ride, a large log flume that specializes in getting people soaking wet.  And I mean drenched!  It is great on a hot sunny day because it cools you down.  Then even though your clothes are dripping wet the sun dries them in no time.

Today it was a different story.  It was cool and drizzling so clothes never dried off.  A lot of people were going into restrooms and using the hand dryers to get rid of the water.

Max kept going on this one over and over again.  As he did he also got colder and wetter.  I had a towel with me that he had been using earlier in the park’s swimming pool.  I used it to wrap around him every time he got off.  The more he rode the quieter and less wild he got.  He didn’t get calmer, just more internalized.  I could tell because he starting staring off into space.

When he was riding I starting talking to a woman beside me.  Her daughter was sitting with Max on the flume.  She mentioned how we would never understand her daughter.  I smiled and described some of the ways my son acts and she became very excited.  She had found someone else that could understand what she goes through.

Too many people believe that we are bad parents that let our kids get away with bad behavior.  They don’t understand the issues surrounding disorders such as Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome.

While we talked Max and her daughter rode the flume almost 10 times.  At the end of it he requested that I wrap him very tightly with the towel and then guide him back to the car.  He was groggy and glassy eyed now.  He really wanted to stay but he realized that he wasn’t going to be able to continue.  I had to help him into the car and buckle him in.

By the time we got home he had settled down and was relaxed and happy.

He had his moments today but surprisingly he handled himself well.  When he was kicked off the ride he was upset and walked away.  Usually he will have a huge meltdown requiring us to remove him from public areas.

This was a day that he could have fun and not worry about being calm and in control.  And I had fun too…though I would have liked to have gone on more rides with him.  But hey, the summer is young.

Night terrors and sleep walking are very common in bipolar children.  “For these children, dreams of explicit violence, gore and death are a common symptom“.

“Normal” children may occasionally have them but they are quickly forgotten once a parent has comforted them and they settle down to sleep again.  This is generally outgrown as they get older.

Bipolar children can have them constantly through the night but like other children they don’t remember them when they are awake.

These children may also sleepwalk as well.  This is when a child only partially awakens from sleep and begins to move around.  It is not particularly dangerous as long as the room is “child-proofed”.  In this case it means locking windows and doors and making sure there is nothing dangerous that may hurt her.

My son has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  At night after we put him to bed my wife and I curl up on the couch downstairs to watch our favorite programs.

On most nights there are interruptions.  Sometimes they are mundane things like car doors slamming on the street outside.  It can even be high school kids wandering around the streets at night.

But most often the issues involve Max.  Generally he is asleep within moments of his head hitting the pillow but it is later on when things start to happen.

Sometimes he talks in his sleep

He will talk to someone in his dreams.  Generally he uses just single words or phrases.  Without being able to put things in context it is hard to figure out what is on his mind.

Other times he uses the most foul language in his sleep

In these cases we pretty much know what the problem is.  He is angry with someone in a dream.  He is telling them exactly how he feels about them. I guess they won’t misunderstand him when it is this direct.

Then there are the night terrors

Something frightens him.  It may have happened in a dream. But it can also result from coming partially awake and believing something is in the room.   In these cases he will yell.  By the time we get up the stairs we find that he is deep in sleep and doesn’t have any awareness that we have come into the room.

And he sleep walks

When we hear a noise we immediately turn the sound off on the television and wait.  Sometimes we have to run upstairs to make sure Max is okay.  Other times it ends as quickly as it starts and we can go back to what we are doing knowing that he has settled back to sleep.

But at least once a week it gets a little more exciting.  Max will appear at the top of the stairs:

“You F(*&*(* B*&(^* people!!”

He will either walk or run down the stairs but either way when he gets to the bottom he will stare glassy eyed at us.  He won’t say another word until my wife goes up to him quietly:

“Max, do you need a drink?”

She will steer him out of the living room.  Otherwise he will flop down on the couch and try to go back to sleep.  Most often he will sip some chocolate milk or water.

If that doesn’t work she will ask, “Do you need to go to the toilet?”

Occasionally he will then allow her to guide him into the bathroom.

But there are the nights when neither will work.  Last night was one of those.  My wife and I were quietly watching “The Bachelorette”.  She went out to the kitchen to start her evening tea.  Then I heard something crashing down the stairs.

I softly called to my wife, “Here he comes.”

She came in just in time to hear the usual comment, “You F(*&*(* B*&(^* people!!”

Tonight he immediately went to the couch and lay down.  We asked the usual questions but he wasn’t having any of that.  He was going to stay here and stare at the television.    We finally convinced him to go back upstairs to bed.  I could hear him continue the swearing as he got into it.

My wife was back down within seconds of bringing him up.  I asked why all the noise up there.  She told me that he had gone to bed earlier with two shirts and a pair of jeans on.  Right now she had tried to convince him that he would be too hot and he would be waking up all night.  She ended up letting it go because she didn’t want him to wake all the way up.

As it was he finally slept through the night.

It’s at times like this that I wonder if he is fully, or even partially, awake.

In all of these cases he may have one or more episodes during the night.  However, when he awakens in the morning he has absolutely no recollection of any of them.  He may remember that he had had a bad dream but he won’t believe that he yelled, swore, or even walked in his sleep.

If your child sleepwalks quietly guide him back to bed, just like we do with Max.  If she suffers night terrors remember doctors do not consider them serious.  There are a number of things you can do to treat them including making sure that your child gets enough sleep.  If she thrashes too much gently restrain her so she doesn’t get hurt.

Most experts agree that these children will outgrow night terrors and sleepwalking just like the “normal” ones.  But in the mean time comfort them and keep them safe.

I have written several posts on how “it takes a village to raise a child”. Too many parents assume they have all the answers when it comes to bringing up their own. Others admit that they aren’t confident that they really know what to do. Still others just try to “wing it”; live day by day and hope their choices are the right ones. And all are stunned if their children grow up badly stunted morally and ethically.

I am a firm believer that people shouldn’t do it alone. Talk to other parents, search for information online, and read constantly. I have even suggested parenting books to help in the process.

Larry Winget, in his book “Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible, Productive Adults”, states that every parent should have a plan. Know exactly how you are going to raise your kids. If you follow a step by step process and keep the end in mind you will raise a responsible adult.

This made me think and I started by asking myself some hard questions:

What kind of man do I want Max to become?

He must be:

• Honest

• Forthright

• A good provider

• A good family man

• Even tempered

• A hard worker

• Respected

He must understand and practice:

• truth

• honor

• loyalty

• commitment

He should also enjoy life and enjoy his family.

What will Max need to know to be that man?

Because he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome he needs to understand that he may have to be on some type of medication as an adult. He will also need to know the tools to circumvent the symptoms of each of these.

Like other children he will have to learn the tools to:

• control his temper

• control his language

• interact productively with other people

• be respectful

Have I taught him anything yet that will get Max there?

This is a hard question for me. I know he has learned a lot but in his frustration he forgets.

But he does know how to protect his Mom from threats. He knows how to treat her with respect because I have seen him do it.

He understands respecting the truth but at 9 years old he has been testing the “lying” waters.

He works hard when he is in “production mode”.

What else will I need to teach Max?

I need to step up my modeling behaviors. Max needs to see how I:

• treat my wife well

• treat him well

• work harder and better

• take control of discipline, family life, and spirituality

• control frustration

• do my best

• enjoy life

I have to teach him morals and ethics.

I need to find and teach the tools that will help him succeed.

I have to teach him to implement what he has already learned from me. Right now he knows a lot. For example, he knows how to respect his mother. But until he learns and integrates the tools that control his anger and impulsivity he will continue to ignore what he knows.

Right now I have been relying on his teachers, mentor, play therapist, and advocate to teach him what he should know. This is okay. I believe “it takes a village…” but I need to be more proactive so that I know their plan and can make suggestions for improvement. I need to take more of the responsibility of raising him too.

For me this is a first draft. As I go along and as Max gets older I expect that I will be modifying both this lists and the way I train him.

Because, let’s face it, I want Max to succeed just like other parents want their children to be successful.