Posts tagged ‘Disorders’

On Sunday it dawned on us that Max need his drug levels tested. His psychiatrist had been asking for weeks for a report. She needed to know how much Depakote was in his system. Too much can cause liver problems. It had been difficult to schedule because we had to take him before he had gotten his morning meds.

Today appeared to be the best day to get him up to the hospital. When he first heard our plan Max dug his feet in. He was not going; he hates having the needle stuck into his arm. We were able to persuade him that the last few times things had gone really well and it would be quick. Ha, ha, famous last words.

Once we were there it looked promising. The parking lot was empty and there were no patients in Admitting. We sat down with the intake person and handed over the order from Max’s psychiatrist. In the process of filling things in the girl noticed that the doctor’s full name wasn’t available. We didn’t know the first name and the hospital wasn’t willing to accept incomplete information. They looked the name up in the hospital directory but couldn’t find it.

I left my wife and son to drive home to get it. Just as I pulled into the driveway I got a call that the hospital had found her correct name. By the time I got back the paperwork was done and everyone was ready to walk over to the blood labs. There we turned in my son’s records and then had to sit and wait.

This wasn’t going well. The longer Max waits the more he starts thinking. We knew that if the technician didn’t get us quickly he would decide he really didn’t want to do this. But he was good. When he was finally called he went into the lab without a problem.

All the way down he talked about how he had done this before and he wasn’t afraid. He hopped up into the chair and presented his arm.

But this is where the fun started. Sadly, I am being facetious here. As the girl took his left arm he asked if someone could hold his hand. The supervisor came over and grasped his right hand. At the same time she took his left hand and held it down. After this two mistakes were made.

If you have ever had blood drawn you know that when you stretch your hand out there are several steps they follow:

• They wrap an elastic tourniquet around your upper arm long enough to find a vein.

• Once found they clean the area around it.

• You now clench your fist.

• The needle is slid into the vein. You might feel a pinch.

• Once it is in place you are told to unclench your fist. This allows the blood to run freely.

• The technician attaches a tube to the needle and takes some blood. She will repeat this step until the required number of tubes are filled.

• When done, the needle is removed. A cotton swab and band-aid replaces it.

• You are finished.

The first mistake the technician made was with the needle. She slid it into the vein after having him clench his fist but rather than leave it there she began to move it.

Imagine your arm lying stretched out on a clock; your hand is pointing towards the 12. The needle is inserted from the 12 in the direction of the 6. Being dissatisfied with the positioning she turns the needle to the 9 o’clock position. Nope, it didn’t work. It is now switched to 3 o’clock before settling back in the 12 to 6 position. In the process she lifts and lowers it a couple of times. Imagine how that would feel.

As could be expected Max howled and we were stunned. We had never seen such a botched job.

Once the needle was in place and the first tube was inserted Max was never told to open his fist so the blood trickled out slowly and painfully. He cried the whole time.

When it was done they congratulated my son on how brave he had been and gave him some graham crackers. Just before we left my wife turned to them and told them that we had never had problems bringing him in for blood tests but he would probably not want to do it again. He had never been in so much pain and in fact until now he had only ever felt “the pinch”.

I am convinced they sent someone new down to practice on my son. Why else would a supervisor offer to hold his arm down while she was working? That had never been done previously. It is true the first time Max gave blood he sat on my lap and howled but that was before the needle ever came near him. He was very young at the time. It took over an hour but when it was finally completed I think he was surprised how little it hurt.

Even though he has never liked having it done the only struggles we had were when we tried to get him there. Once he was in the seat he would always sit through it without a whimper.

And he always gets a prize when it is over. Today he got a pen with four different inks inside. He can switch to whichever color he chooses at any one time. He has been asking for one of these for awhile and today he got it.

Even though he has his prize my wife and I know it is going to be a real struggle from now on to get him there. Why do they have to let novices practice on our children?

Frankly, I would like to get Max off any drug that requires blood tests anyway. And I would be much happier if he could get off of the drugs all together!

The beginning of last week end was a blast!

On Thursday Max and I went camping in the White Mountains. This started out as an experiment. Except for Cub Scout overnights my son and I have never gone away by ourselves. I wanted to see how we would handle any meltdown he might have in front of other people. He was great; nothing happened.

Friday we took the Cog Railway up Mount Washington. Our original plan was to just drive up, do the train, and then come home. We both decided that a 5 hour round trip drive would be just too much so we added the camping. Max and I had a lot of fun “riding the rails” and being on top of the mountain.

But then we came home. We walked in the door on Saturday morning…and all hell broke loose. The fun and good times were completely forgotten. Max snapped. Nothing we did was right. He was screaming and yelling. Several times he threatened to hit us.

He spent more time getting time outs and consequences for the rest of the weekend. We noticed that he was unhappy as well.

What prompted all of these?

• Maybe he doesn’t like end of the fun times.

• Or perhaps it is similar to the way a lot of kids with disorders go through school life. That is, they are able to keep things together during the day but once they get home they are in a safe environment where they can lose control.

• My wife believes that this is the same as when we go away whether for one day or several. Max is able to keep in control during the trip but then he needs that release time once he gets home.

But then Max and Dad are tired once we get home. For whatever reason we tend to be grumpy too. I know that my son reacts badly to my bad humor.

• Our doctor is convinced it is due to the food Max eats. He won’t touch any of the meals his Mom creates. It is not because they are terrible; they are in fact quite good. As a result he tends to eat both junk and fast foods on a regular basis which isn’t terribly healthy.

It could be any or all of these reasons. Or it could be something else.

But I think that whatever it is Max’s reactions are not the result of conscious thought. I believe that he is having such a good time he doesn’t realize that he is winding tighter and tighter like a spring. When he finds a safe place like home the catch on the spring lets lose and he loses control

Once that happens he doesn’t know how to stop his explosions. And the longer they go on the more escalated he gets.

One thing I do know is that he is very unhappy while this is going on. When the storm subsides he is very apologetic. He has also been known to cry, like this weekend…which is very rare for him. He thinks that he should never show tears.

By Sunday evening things were back to normal. Of course, it was bedtime and he was asleep almost immediately. Both my wife and I slept through several programs on the couch.

So it turned out to be an exciting weekend. The first part had a lot of ups. The second half was very down. We are hoping that the tools that his counselors are teaching him and changes in his diet will help level things off so that we can go away more often.

In the end we want him to be a happier kid.

Saturday July 3rd was a very exhausting day for my son Max. But it didn’t end early. It is part of the 4th of July weekend. What would this holiday be without fireworks? No matter how tired he was there was no way he would miss it.

Our town has a nice display every year. But because of the recession and cut backs in the town budget we sometimes miss one. This year everything was donated which was an awesome help.

We always have a choice where we want to watch them. We can sit in our back yard and get a perfect view; we are that close. There is also the option of sitting on a neighbor’s front yard down the street. They have a nice view too but in addition it always turns into a small party with everyone stopping by.

But the spot Max likes best is the school field where the fireworks are shot off. It is only a 5 minute walk from our house so it is an easy choice. And since we don’t have to drive, there are no parking or traffic problems for us.

Generally we grab a blanket and find a spot where we can lie back and watch the sky. There are always lots of people around us so it becomes a real community thing. But if we forget the bug spray we’re in trouble!! Too many mosquitoes this time of year.

This night turned out to be a little different than the rest however. I had been talking to a friend in town earlier in the evening. He and his boys were planning to go as usual but they generally sit on the other side of the field from the display area. He was wondering if he would be able to park this year because there were more people out than there have been in previous ones.

I suggested he park at my house and we would walk over. He thought that was a splendid idea and showed up at 8:30 with two of his boys. Max was ecstatic to have some friends to watch the fireworks with. But they couldn’t be happy with just walking down. The 3 boys pulled bikes and scooters out of the garage and met us over there.

When the adults got there we spread out the blanket; sprayed everyone with bug spray; and settled down to wait. But of course Max couldn’t just sit, he never does. He was up and about running and dancing around all the people that were arriving.

But now we were experiencing 3 boys: Max and his 2 friends. They all have the same issues: adhd, asperger’s, etc. All found it difficult to stay still. They were running and wrestling and causing general mayhem. We had to speak to them at least a thousand times but nothing worked. That is until the fireworks started; then they settled down.

In the mean time my buddy was trying to find his older two boys. They were supposed to be meeting us there but they hadn’t shown up. Even though we were just across the field neither of them could find us. He spent a good half hour on the phone with them before he gave up and told them to meet him at the back door of the school. Both have asperger’s just like their younger brothers; my friend fosters kids like this. After he left we didn’t see him again until the fireworks were over.

The end result is that my wife and I ended up shepherding Max and the 2 younger boys during the display. Luckily we only had to speak to them a couple of times after their Dad left. They were totally in awe over the show and just stared at the sky once it started.

When it was over we guided them back to our house. The traffic picked up and the boys were riding in and around the cars. We had to stop them and make them walk the bikes to the garage to keep them safe. All the while Max was getting even more hyper and it continued until my friend showed up to take the boys home.

And oh by the way; he didn’t find the older two. He just told them on the phone to meet him at a pizza shop near the school after he picked up the younger ones.

It was a long day. Max, his mom, and I were exhausted. We all dropped into bed and for the first time, as I’ve mentioned in several recent posts, my son slept really late the next morning. I like bringing it up so much because my wife and I were able to relax; wake up when we were ready; and do our morning routines without any issues. Hey, I could do with more of these!

The fireworks were great. It was nice having the boys with us but I think next year we will go with just one hyperactive kid. Or maybe not, it isn’t so different either way.

On Saturday during the Fourth of July weekend we got an invitation to a barbeque being held by one of my nieces on Sunday. This was great. I’ve talked about the structure my son Max needs to function. Sunday was a big hole for us. Certainly we had church in the morning but nothing was planned for the afternoon.

When Max discovered we were going he was extremely excited. He could barely contain himself as we drove up north. He likes my niece and her sister a lot but they are quite a bit older and have kids. My niece has an 8 year old son that Max enjoys playing with. My boy is 9.

He insisted on bringing his bicycle and scooter which we crammed into the back seat. This meant he had to sit cross legged for the 40 minute drive. He sat in back with them while my wife and I stayed up front.

Upon arrival he wasted no time in pulling out the bike and running over to meet his cousin’s son. They both disappeared down the street while my wife and I went in to greet the adults.

As I said Max needs structure to keep him balanced. We’ve done a pretty good job this weekend with the town festival on Friday; his road race and fireworks on Saturday; and now the barbeque. I think we started to feel good about our achievement. He hadn’t had too many meltdowns and he has behaved pretty well. But we started gloating too soon.

It started with the boys going their separate ways. Max sat in a chair just staring at the crowd while his cousin went to playing with the other younger kids. To be fair to him he was very tired. After his heavy duty Saturday he had actually slept to 8:30 Sunday morning. This is unimaginable for a kid that likes to be up by 5 or 6. Not only that, he didn’t wake up on his own. When the cat started howling at his bedroom door he struggled out of bed.

Not long afterwards a man and his wife sat next to him. Very nice people though initially I stereotyped him. He was a biker covered in tattoos. His head was shaved and he wore earrings. Max was fascinated; I was a little nervous. My son wanted to trade things with him like sunglasses, shoes, and knives. But the man calmly talked to him like an equal and parried all of his requests.

Several times we tried to steer Max away because my son was now pestering him over and over about the same things. But the man calmly told us not to worry about it he was enjoying talking to my son.

But Max was starting to get edgy because he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Later he played basketball with several of the men there and was having a blast. When they decided to quit he was very put out and begged them to continue. When it didn’t happen he was back in his chair badgering the man again.

It was now 5:30. We had been there for 3 hours but we knew it was almost time to leave. We called Max over and informed him that we would be going at 6 o’clock. And that’s when the you know what hit the fan. He tried to convince us to stay until 9 because the kids were going to shoot off fireworks. We were in New Hampshire; they are legal there. He wanted to stay with them.

My wife and I looked at each other and shook our heads. He was getting worse and worse. He was crying and saying some very vitriolic things to us. He ended up running off to the car and locking himself in. After we said our goodbyes we followed him.

As we got close we could hear him wailing and punching the seat. But once I had stowed our chairs into the trunk of the car he had calmed down enough to put his bike in as well. He was still pouting and stayed quiet and sullen as we headed home.

On the way I stopped at Home Depot which set him off once again. He just wanted to be home now. He kicked and screamed until he realized that I was still going in no matter what. He quieted down and followed me. He couldn’t miss this. It is, of course, one of his favorite stores.

By the time we had gotten what we needed he was back to his usual perky self. It was a good night after this though every once in awhile he would mention the fireworks he had missed.

It’s at times like this when any parent can feel totally drained. Even if they have handled the situation correctly it can still leave them shaken. Just imagine how a parent would feel who has a child with adhd, bipolar, asperger’s, or another disorder. Their child’s outburst can be one hundred times more powerful.

So many times my wife and I fall asleep on the couch soon after Max goes to bed. The plus side to all of this is that these explosions are getting less and less as time goes on. Max has been working with us, his play therapist, advocate, and mentor to channel this aggression into other areas so that he calms down much quicker and is much happier as a result.

He has a big incentive to work with us because he doesn’t like the explosions. He always feels bad once they are over.

But even though we, his parents, were beginning to be elated over how well the weekend was going we still needed to be on our guard to make sure Max stayed on balance. Without constant watch we weren’t prepared when he lost control.

But you know Mom and Dad slept well that night.

It has been really hot these last few days. It is only June for gosh sakes! I wonder what it is going to be like in July and August. We’ve been in the 90s. That is sweltering for the New England states!

My wife has been after me to finish putting in the air conditioners. I had installed the two smaller ones in the bedrooms about a month ago. I don’t have any problems lifting these.

But the big ones that go into the kitchen and office are massive. There was a time I could easily lift one of them but not anymore.

When I first met my wife just over 11 years ago I wanted to show off a little bit. Just like a guy I suppose. The first time was in the fall just after we met. She needed her air conditioner taken out of her bedroom window. Yeah, yeah, of course I can handle it.

I grabbed it and slowly opened the window. I hadn’t gotten too far when it slipped out of my hands. It fell backwards out of the window and crashed two stories down into the yard below. I whipped around and looked at my future wife. She said the shock on my face was priceless.

I ran down the stairs, out of the door, and around the house. There it was, crushed. Luckily no one had been there to get hurt. Across the street were several men building a brick wall. They had heard the crash. When I came out they started laughing and pointing at me. I just picked it up and moved it to the curb for trash. Then I sheepishly walked back into the house.

It didn’t seem to affect our blooming relationship but unfortunately her parents lived downstairs. After 10 years my father-in-law still hasn’t let me forget that day.

Late spring the following year I tried to be macho again. My future wife’s parents needed their air conditioner put in their living room window. Just like the last time I said of course I can do it.

I went into the basement to find it. I picked it up and carried it up their very narrow stairs. I had to twist some to make it work. I got it into the living room and placed it into the window.

This was fine and they were happy. But…the next day I couldn’t move! I had strained my back pretty badly. The next 12 weeks I worked with my wife’s chiropractor to get it back in shape.

Ever since that happened I have had to be careful lifting heavy objects. Luckily every spring and every fall there is someone available to help me out.

So to appease my wife I called a friend that lives on the other side of town. He is a big bear and very strong. Perhaps in a former life he was a weight lifter. He had removed the air conditioners last fall so I knew that it would take him only minutes to put them back in.

He told me he would be happy to do it but then, as is life, things kept getting in the way. He finally called me and asked if he could send his 15 year old son in to take care of them. He feels it is time that the boy gets a paying job. He thinks that this would be a good start for him; just to get used to working for money. In this case we would pay Donny five dollars which would actually come out of his father’s pocket.

This wasn’t a problem for me. As long as the boy could handle them he was welcome to install my air conditioners.

When I mentioned it to my wife she liked the idea but she commented that it might be tough for him to actually get a job because he has several disorders just like our son Max. His main one is reactive attachment disorder (RAD).  Children like this tend to react socially in inappropriate ways.

Because of this it can be difficult to hold on to a job for any length of time.

Even though Max doesn’t have this disorder we worry that because of his bipolar and asperger’s he might have problems too. But as for Donny, it’ll be great to have him move our air conditioners.

He arrived on Thursday afternoon; sweat was pouring off of him because it was so hot. I showed him what needed to be done then brought him into the basement. The first step was to tip them over. When we had that flood down there in the spring they ended up sitting in water. Luckily we found that both had drained and were completely dry.

The kid is like his dad. He lifted each of them like they were fluffy pillows. And then one at a time he carried them up and installed the first in the office and the second in the kitchen. Like his Dad, it only took a few minutes.

Before Donny left I thanked him profusely. After he was gone I called his Dad to let him know what a great job he had done. My friend was ecstatic and thanked me for allowing his son to do the job. Um, okay, not a problem.

My wife had been worried that they would smell terribly musty since they were in all of that water. Since I was home alone at the time I cleaned them and then turned them on full. Yes, they smelled badly alright! I opened all the doors and windows so hopefully the bad air would end up outside. I also sprayed the backs of them with deodorizer.

After about an hour neither one smelled musty anymore. Once my family got home there wasn’t a smell in the house and it was nice and cool.

So finally we had our little oasis in the middle of the hot weather.

But do you know what? It was too cool on Friday to even bother with any air conditioners. Better to enjoy the nice breezes anyway.

Max was excited. After hearing his grandfather’s stories about building houses and doing small woodworking projects he has always wanted to be involved in something big.

We had stopped over to my brother’s house to find him rebuilding an old porch.

“Hey, Maxie, come on over and help me with this.”

Really? Max was overjoyed. He didn’t waste any time running over and grabbing onto the wood my brother was cutting.

This was something both had talked about for a long time. My son has wanted to spend some time with his uncle. Brad has always believed that he can turn Max around and get him off of the drugs. He once told me that he would like to take him away to Maine for a week; he would come back a changed boy.

I was all for the trip but I also knew what Brad didn’t. He would have his hands full with something he just doesn’t understand. He imagines that his nephew is a normal boy that just has lousy parents.

He has seen a little of Max’s temper but when this happens at a family gathering rather than just separate him from Brad’s kids my brother always believed we should have just taken him home. It didn’t matter that his children had instigated any of the problems.

This always reminded me of a friend of mine that has a daughter with Asperger’s. She is 18 years old now but when she was going through middle and high schools the kids would tease her or bully her for fun. But they would do it in a quiet way; that is, nothing was overt that the teachers would notice.

She would react badly, trying to defend herself. And guess what? She was the one sent to the principal’s office. She was the one suspended. And it was her parents fighting to right the injustices of the school system.

Don’t get me wrong, I know my wife and I aren’t perfect but we struggle every day to find new ways of help our son. You know what? We would rather he wasn’t on these drugs too, or at least cut way down.

But today I was going to see how Brad would react to Max. My boy started off very hyper because he was so excited about working with his uncle. He was holding the wood as it was cut but he wasn’t very steady. My brother had to speak to him several times.

Every time I would open my mouth to suggest Max listen to him Brad would tell me it was okay. He did his best to guide him through each thing that he wanted him to do.

After we had been there some time Max saw a spider. Now like a lot of kids, he doesn’t like them and is a little afraid of them too. He tried to kill it. Brad spoke to him. Max didn’t listen and kept trying to get it. My brother also kept trying to stop him but he was very hyper focused on what he was doing. He couldn’t hear anyone talking to him he just concentrated on bashing the spider.

When he met his goal he was ready to continue working. My brother took him aside and in a very quiet voice said to him, “Max, when a spider is in the house it is okay to get rid of him because he’s in the house. But if he is outside that is his world and he has a right to be there. You must leave him alone.”

I’m not sure Max understood this especially since I had to remind him a few days later when he was chasing a spider around our back yard.

It seemed like the longer we stayed the more he started to act out; the more he stopped listening. I think he was totally overwhelmed with accomplishing such a huge goal: being with my brother. But I could tell Brad was a little overwhelmed too. But I don’t think he was considering Max’s disorders in all of this. I think he was seeing my son’s actions as the failings of his parents.

Perhaps that is so but if he can suggest some better ways to improve these issues I want to hear them. I don’t want prove or disprove them. I want to help Max as much as I can.

During all of this Brad’s youngest daughter had been in the house playing on the computer. She came out to ask her Dad a question and “discovered” that her cousin was there. She wanted to play with him and now there was a conflict. Max wanted to stay outside and be around his uncle while they played. She just wanted to be inside.

I got to see some interaction between a “normal” child and one with disorders. Neither one wanted to compromise. I suggested ten minutes inside and the same outside. Max went in for 2 minutes and then insisted on going back out. She wasn’t having any of that. They were both frustrated.

But of course, as we were leaving she came outside and both started having a great time together. She actually begged me to stay but it was too late in the day and we had to get home.

I want to see more interactions between Max and his uncle and cousin. I want to see him spend more time with “normal” children. I have found that because he is with other kids with disorders so much his issues are always in his face. It bothers him because he wants to be “normal”.

The summer has started. Max will spend more time with Brad and his kids and this will be a good thing. The more he learns to play with other kids; the more he learns to listen to and interact with adults, the sooner he will be able to accomplish two other goals:

• Feeling “normal” and

• Going back to a normal school.

And this will be a great thing!

I’ve talked a lot about my son Max and how he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. But I’ve been starting to wonder lately if I have some of the symptoms too.

Bipolar was once known as “manic-depression“.  Someone with this condition tends to have mood swings that run from being very “high” or manic to very “low” or depressed.

At a recent session my therapist suggested I explore this and write a post about it.

I’m not sure it is that bad. I think about my Multiple Sclerosis. It is very mild. In fact it is the “funny you don’t look sick” variety. If I had primary or secondary progressive I would probably be in a wheel chair right now.

Perhaps it is the same with this possible manic depression of mine. When I was with my therapist I talked about writing these posts. As I told him, some days I can write 4 or 5 at a time. But then on other days I moan and complain.

“Oh why can’t I write today?”

“I have soooo much to do.”

“I’ll never get anything done!”

A little whine here, and another one there, and I finally get some work done.

I had him laughing at this point and he thought maybe I should be a comedy writer. Hmm, I had never thought of that.

But back to the situation at hand.

Just like with my posts, some days I can plow through everything I need to get done. After which I am looking for more work. If any stressful situations arise like perhaps Max is having some terrible tantrums. I can take care of them very easily and everyone is happy.

But then on other days just trying to put one foot in front of the other is a major chore. I just want to lie down and sleep rather than make any kind of effort at all.

On days like this I get grumpy and I’ll snap at anyone that gets near. Max better not have any problems because I become very strict and stern and expect him to jump when I snap my fingers.

On those days Max will say, “Daddy, why are you talking to me in your Boston accent? I don’t like it when you do that.”

People from Boston please don’t be insulted to read this. I grew up there so it should be understandable I might have one. But I don’t think he really knows what that kind of accent sounds like. It is just a name that he has attached to the way I speak to him at this time.

But another thought occurred to me as I was writing the paragraph on Multiple Sclerosis. Maybe the high energy I feel is normal energy for most people. That is, what people feel every day is what I feel in spurts. Once I accomplish all the work with this energy I get totally wasted, tired, and lethargic. And this is what I see as my “depressed” phase.

There are other theories that may address this as well. For example, there is the idea that people that have a disorder such as ADHD or Bipolar may actually be throwbacks to an earlier time. When we were a hunter gatherer society, the gatherers worked every day doing the same thing over and over again. They developed energy to help them through their work.

The hunters on the other hand only needed energy when they were killing their prey. During “off times” or while walking through the forest they didn’t need energy so they didn’t have much. Energy was only required in spurts. Maybe I am a hunter.

Blood types are yet another possibility. The theory says that Type Os have a lot of energy, can eat just about anything, and can exercise enough to become body builders. Type As on the other hand can only do mild exercise and theoretically should be vegetarians. I am a Type A.

There are many possibilities. Which is the real one? Could even be something else. What ever it is I can keep my therapist laughing as I whine about not getting any work done.

Just like other children my son Max wants to have friends. But unlike other children it is not easy for him to make friends. He has Bipolar Disorder, ADD, and Asperger’s. The combination causes him to be very self-involved, explosive, and unable to have normal conversations.

My wife and I are constantly setting up play dates and then praying that they work out. When they don’t the other parents suddenly become unresponsive when we call.

Lately Max has been working with a play therapist to work through his issues. He has also been seeing a child advocate who is teaching him different social and anger management skills.

We have seen some progress with his anger. Sometimes now instead of throwing things and cursing, he will lock himself away in his toy room until he calms down. He has a long way to go but it is nice to see some improvement.

But one skill he has been working on caught us off guard one day. And I must say we were surprised and excited. My wife walked over with him to his friend’s house. They found the boy playing street hockey with another friend.

Max stood at the side watching them. He said “Hi” and they responded but continued to play.

He watched a little longer and then said to the other boy, “Hey, we were in kindergarten and baseball together. How are things?”

“OK” as he continued playing.

Later Max said, “Hey, when you guys are finished playing do you want to scooter around the neighborhood?”

His friend answered, “No, I have to go in for dinner when the game is over and Bill has to go home.”

Hmm, okay, Max continued to watch, “Hey, can I play?”

“No, we are almost finished.”

After another few minutes Max said, “Well, it was nice to see you guys, I’m going to head off now.”

The other boys just grunted and continued to play.

He left with my wife and as they turned a corner she said, “Max, I’m very proud of how you handled that situation. Give me a high 5!”

After slapping hands the two stopped at another house. The two girls there were at home playing and excited that he had come over. Max turned to his mother and said, “Mommy, you don’t have to stay. I’ll be home when I am done playing.”

My wife couldn’t wait to tell me what had happened when she got home. And it excited me to hear it. Even though the other boys’ social skills left a lot to be desired we can see that Max is able to use what he is learning from his Advocate. With practice he should be able to make more friends and perhaps lessen the number of phone calls his mother and I need to make.

“Where’s Mommy?’ the boy yelled when he came into the room.

“She’s sleeping.”

“What?? That F@#$%$% B#$*(!”

He dashed out of the room. The next sound is the crashing of the bedroom door.

“)*(&)&* )(*)(*&)&* #$%$% ()&)&!!”

His Mom struggles bleary eyed downstairs.

What happens now? Of course timeouts and loss of privileges result from his actions. In fact, some parents will also spank their children. Eventually these kids learn several things from incidences like this:

• Swearing is not allowed

• Smashing doors and running are not allowed

• Screaming is not allowed

• Patience

These are the “regular” kids. But what about children that have Bipolar Disorder, PDD, Asperger’s, or some other neurological disorder?

There is an area in our brains that is known as the “frontal lobe”. This is where the executive functions live. These coordinate “higher functioning processes” such as speech, problem solving, self control, and attention. Every human being accesses them constantly as they resolve problems that arise.

When a child is born and through their early years their executive functions are taught how to work by their parents, teachers, and other adults. This is where a child learns not to swear or have tantrums and to learn patience. But in a child that has a disorder some of these processes may be damaged or even missing. As a result they cannot go through the normal learning procedure.

These kids may not be able to control their language. They may not have empathy for others because they cannot read the cues in people’s body language. They may not be capable of learning patience or self control. The timeouts, loss of privileges, and spanking won’t be enough because they cannot learn from these actions.

So what do we do? One of the fall back methods is to commit them to a psychiatric hospital. Another is to keep them medicated so that there will be little or no violence, screaming, or tantrums.

But aren’t we selling our kids short when we do this? Isn’t there some other way to help our children through these rough areas?

Dr. Paul Schottland, a cognitive psychologist quoted in “The Bipolar Child Newsletter“, suggests that parents look at this as a computer problem. Usually the software is included in the package; that is, the child is born with it. But if it isn’t then parents need to “install the software that isn’t there on the hard drive” by hand or reinstall it if it is damaged and then train it to act properly.

He goes on to talk about “cognitive mediators”. These are thoughts that can be used to replace the rigid unpleasant thoughts that these kids have in their heads. Tools such as these can help our children overcome their cognitive weaknesses.

Do these take the place of medicine? Any parent that is raising a child like this knows that using some meds to help calm their child’s mind goes along way in introducing and working with these tools.

The bottom line is we can just give up and put our kids into hospitals. We can drug them to keep them docile. Or we can “install the software” our children will need to survive in life.

I took my son Max to a baseball game at Fenway Park on Wednesday. It was the Red Sox against the Blue Jays. It was a big surprise my wife and I planned for him. He had never even seen the park let alone gone to a professional game there.

I hadn’t planned on going but someone offered me tickets and I knew it was something that Max had always wanted to do. And besides I hadn’t been to a game in 20 years.

We didn’t tell him about it until the morning of the game. His ADHD and anxiety gets him overexcited and he will spend days asking how soon we are going and then throw a tantrum when it doesn’t happen immediately. When we finally told him, he was screaming and yelling in excitement. But when it was time for school he went without a fuss and just talked about it when he got there without any problems.

I picked him up at school at 11 a.m. and then collected his cousin who went with us. For an added bonus we took the subway in which they loved enormously. On the way they did some train surfing. That is, they stood in the aisle facing the windows and took surfing stances without holding on to anything.

When they both saw the park their eyes nearly popped out of their heads. Neither one had ever seen it except on television and now they were here and about to see their team!

But then Max saw the vendors. I’ve talked about his buying addiction but you’ve got to understand, he saw hats, t-shirts, tiny baseball bats, $100 baseballs, and giant fingers. Every time he discovered something it was:

“Buy it Daddy”

“No”

“Oh – whine!!”

“Follow your cousin and let’s find our seats.”

In the end of each inning it was the same thing:

“Buy it Daddy”

“No”

“Oh – whine!!”

You’d think that it would be enough to see Fenway Park, the Red Sox, and his idols David Ortiz, Dustin Pedroia, Tim Wakefield, and Mike Lowell. But he couldn’t concentrate on them he had seen “golden stuff”.

It has gotten so bad my wife and I have declared a buying moratorium for 30 days. We will buy healthy food but not junk. And we won’t buy toys or anything else. Somehow we have to curb his addiction.

One of the slogans for keeping kids off drugs is “Just Say No!”. In this case “No” is not enough. And the sad thing is buying doesn’t satisfy him. He will be glad for 2 minutes that he got “his heart’s desire” but then something else always shows up.

Psychology Today has, what they call, “3 Proven Strategies for Stopping Overshopping“:

1. Identify your triggering emotions.

2. Discover your authentic needs.

3. Instead of shopping, tailor-make alternatives.

Great advice. I think Max could make good use of this as an adult. As a child with ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, and a lot of anxiety it might still work though it will be difficult to keep him focused. I have yet to find anything that is dedicated to helping a child. He has had a difficult time identifying reasons for his anger.

He thinks his authentic needs are the baseball, or t-shirt, or baseball cap.

And he is very good at making what he wants but this doesn’t take away the thrill of picking up an object in a store; then taking it to a cash register and handing over some money; and after that leaving with his “shiny new thing”.

Have other parents had any success with this?