Posts tagged ‘OCD’

Do you and your family move around a lot because of your job or because you are in the service?  Do your kids have issues such as Aspergers Syndrome or Bipolar Disorder?  In either case you have most likely found yourself pulling your kids out of one school and into another more often than you’d like to think about.  You have found not all schools and teachers are created equal.  Some are good and some are not so good.  You have to keep very close eye to make sure your children are keeping up to their grade level so they’ll be able to move on to college and into adult life.  This is the School Rollercoaster.

Most children have a set path.  They start in preschool or kindergarten, move through grade school, on into middle school, and finish with high school before going on to college.  They and their parents get to know the other families as they spend up to 14 years with them.  They know what is being taught at the school and where their kids are going.

But unlike them the children on the school rollercoaster can slip back sometimes unnoticed into lower grade levels based on what they are being taught in the different schools they attend.

My son Max is 8 years old.  Like other children his age he is in grade 3 this year.  Unlike the other kids his education has not only moved progressively but also regressively.  This has been a source of frustration for us because he is very smart.  And it is even more frustrating for him when he finds he is being taught things he learned years before.

Preschool was the second school he was in; he started in a special needs school to help him with his motor skills.  But preschool he loved; they played a lot and learned much more than how to count and say the alphabet.  They covered most of the things that other children learn in kindergarten.

Kindergarten was more progressive as well.  The teacher had been responsible for setting up programs for special needs kids in the district.  This was a good thing because when Max was 5 his disabilities became more pronounced.  She knew exactly what to do.  She brought my wife and I in to create an IEP (Individualized Education Program).  In those days we really knew nothing about them and she helped us through it.

She also believed in stretching the kids mentally.  Max was learning first grade work that year.  He knew how to add and subtract even before going into the next grade.  She was the first to point out to us how intelligent he is (as if we didn’t know).

We will always be grateful Max started his schooling with her.  Just the education alone would help him through the first grade; that year he was in 5 different schools, all with different ways of teaching:

• When he was promoted to the first grade we found that Max’s teacher had never taught before.  Not only that she had not received any special needs training.  The instruction he got was the exact same as in kindergarten.  He was 6 and that year he was diagnosed with adhd, bipolar disorder, pdd or aspergers (the diagnosis changes depending on the psychiatrist), odd, ocd, and whatever else they could think of.

• He became completely uncontrollable and by Christmas was in a hospital.  For the 8 days he was there they provided some form of education.  Considering what he experienced I’m surprised he got any teaching at all.

• When he came out his former school did not want to deal with him so they sent him to a special needs school about an hour away for evaluation.  During the testing they tried to determine how he would blend in with the other students.  His course of study was on a first and second grade level.

• During the evaluation phase he again entered a hospital.  For the next two weeks he became part of a one room school house type of environment.  The program covered classes on the first through fifth grade levels so Max learned whatever they gave him.

• When he left the hospital he found himself back in the special school.  They had determined that he should be moved up a grade level. So from April of that year through the following year when he was 7 he would be in grade 2.  The school followed the second grade curriculum.

Third grade was another step back for Max.  The teacher was yet another brand new one.  Like his first grade teacher this one had just graduated from school and she didn’t have any special needs experience.  We discovered that he was being taught all of the same things he learned back in second grade.  Not only was he repeating the grade but he wasn’t learning anything new.  The only good side was that the teacher realized that his reading abilities were beyond what she was teaching so he was placed in the fifth grade reading class.

We didn’t take this year lightly.  We knew that he would be far behind other kids his age if things didn’t change.  We discussed our concerns with the school principal and the guidance counselor.  The week before February school vacation they informed us that when he came back to school he would be starting fifth grade.  Why the big jump?  Because this teacher has a lot of years teaching experience and she has her masters degree in special education.  She teaches both the fourth and fifth grade levels so Max really wouldn’t be jumping two grades, only 1; and most important she has already knows Max from his fifth grade reading class.

This doesn’t mean he’ll be going into sixth grade next year.  He will continue with this teacher at least one more year.  But we will be able to breathe a little easier knowing that he is getting the education he needs.

The point of this story is that if we hadn’t kept track of what was happening Max would still be behind.  It is not enough to assume that the schools are going to provide the right education you have to make sure.  And lately if you’ve been watching the news you know that people that move around a lot or have special needs children are not the only ones that must stay alert; everyone has to.  Schools are now firing their teaching staffs for poor quality performance.  It started in Rhode Island and will be moving across the country.  Just yesterday the government announced that it will be establishing countrywide educational standards.

Not just teachers but we, as parents, all need to make sure our kids are learning what they need to.

I haven’t even mentioned what the school rollercoaster does to our kids.  The constant moves have been tough enough on Max as it is; but he also keeps losing the teachers he really likes.  This has been very upsetting for him.  On the positive side this most recent move will not only bring his grade level back up but he loves his new teacher.

For kids like Max this might not be their last move but if we keep track of what is going on we can attempt to make the moves less traumatic for them and be sure they are progressing as they should.

My 8 year old son Max gets a lot of services through the Department of Mental Health.  He is eligible for them because of his diagnoses.  These include bipolar disorder, adhd, pdd/nos, odd, ocd, high anxiety, and sensory integration issues.  Because we have been receiving all of these services we have been trying for months to get a meeting together to make sure that everyone is working towards the same goal.   That is, improving my son’s standard of living.

I just came from that meeting and it was interesting to say the least.  Before it happened we insisted that either my wife’s counselor, Max’s play therapist, or both be present otherwise it would be a waste of time for us.  When we arrived this morning both surprisingly were there especially since it didn’t look like their schedules would match.   Also there besides us 4 were our family therapist, Max’s mentor, their supervisor, and the caseworker who was leading the meeting.

Before we started the caseworker had to make the point that he didn’t know that the play therapist was going to be there.  Apparently it was going to change the dynamics of the whole meeting, whatever that meant.   The supervisor piped in that we were there to discuss why we were dissatisfied with their services.  My wife and I looked at each other in shock; we never said we didn’t like the services, we just wanted to make sure everyone had the same goals.  To that end we had wanted the play therapist involved since she works with Max directly.

Once we got this straightened out we could then start the meeting.  The play therapist talked about how Max has a major problem with limits and the word “No”; either can set him into a tirade that can be physical and/or verbal.  She says that when this happens she sees a totally different boy than the one she is used to dealing with.  When she starting working with him in October she thought that his parents were too lenient but she finds that today in August they are stronger and more consistent.  When he explodes he must spend time on the couch until he calms down.  If he gets violent Dad will hold him until he settles down.  She sees a lot of improvement.  She has been working with him on accepting boundaries.

The family therapist talked about how she originally had intended to work with the whole family but Max wanted all the attention on himself.  It made it very difficult, so at his parents’ request she started working directly with them to help them learn to communicate with each other and become more supportive.  She believes that there has been improvement.

Max’s mentor says she goes with the flow.  They do things that he likes to do such as basketball, bike riding, or swimming.  In the process she has been working with him to accept “No” as an answer.  She will say “no” to minor things; he will grumble and may ask a second time but that’s it.

My wife’s counselor talked about how she is worried about Max’s parents.  She would not only like to see them communicate more but they also need some rest; raising Max is exhausting.  Our caseworker jumped in at this point and thanked her for bringing him to the subject he most wanted to discuss.  This is “respite”.

For months we have been talking about getting rest for Mom and Dad on the weekends so we will be more able to take care of Max during the week.   It would also help our own relationship; as the therapist said we could start dating again.   This was a timely subject since my wife and I were actually falling asleep in the meeting.

Respite is kind of a sore subject.  It was first brought up in January when our caseworker mentioned a children’s home that has kids living there permanently.  On weekends it is available for families to drop their own kids off to give everyone a chance to relax.  It is a structured environment with programs that are not only fun but teach the children how to manage their behaviors.

My wife was excited; I told the caseworker at the time I didn’t like it but I would do it for her sake.  I didn’t want to be separated from Max; I felt that we should be doing things together on weekends, if not as a family, at least as father and son.  That’s the way it was when I was growing up.  He took that to mean I wouldn’t do it at all so the idea got shelved.  It came back up in May so we went for a tour of the facility.  It had a lot of things Max loves like a weight room, basketball court, and a bike track with bicycles.

When we first mentioned it to him Max was excited especially when we took him just to see it.  What made it better for him was that one of his friends lives there so he would have someone to play with.  He was all set to stay overnight but we decided that a few hours the first time might be better to ease him in to it.

He stayed 4 hours the first time but he wasn’t too thrilled with it.   When we arrived a counselor promised him bike riding but then couldn’t find a key to the bike shed.  He agreed to a second try the next week.  That day it was raining so he ended up spending 6 hours in front of a TV set; Max doesn’t like watching for more than 10 minutes at a time.  He was very quiet and subdued when he got home and very clingy.  We scheduled 1 more trip but cancelled at the last minute when Max refused to go.   This was in June and we haven’t tried since.

So the subject came up again today at the meeting.  They insisted forcefully that we try it again.  We insisted just as forcefully that we would not drag him kicking and screaming to the place.  We have gone through this before and yes, as they pointed out, it works out sometimes.  Going to his school was initially a disaster but he grew to love it.  But you know what, his first trip to the hospital was not pretty.  He didn’t get used to it and this is where his anxiety levels initially skyrocketed.  The home gave me a little bit of the same feeling; I can only guess how he felt.

Anyway, we’ve decided to try it again.  We are going to schedule an overnight this Friday night.  This time we won’t drive him; Friday afternoons he spends with his mentor so she will get him ready to go while they are on their outing.   The family therapist will meet them and drive him there.  She will stay for an hour or so to make sure he settles in.  On Saturday his mentor will visit him and see how things are going.  At the end of the day we’ll pick him up.

My wife and I have a lot of concerns but we are willing to try it; not only for ourselves but for Max as well.  The caseworker has promised to call the home to voice our concerns.  That is, that my son is not getting what he needs. If they are going to watch television all day let him do arts and crafts at the same time, this will settle him.   Take him to the gym, he needs muscle work to relax.  If it a sunny day take him outside, he needs the sun!

With that everyone at the meeting was satisfied that everything was accomplished.  It was adjourned and we all left for home.  But as I write this my concerns about respite are resurfacing.  I’m not coming up with reasons not to do it as the caseworker suggested.  I want this to work for both Max and my wife.  And no I don’t believe that Max will not be affected by this as he also suggested.  Today is Wednesday, Friday is the big day, I will take a wait and see attitude.   If it doesn’t work out I’ll be looking for something else.  If it does it will be great for all of us.

Sometimes I wonder who my kid is.  Max is a major hoarder, like his parents.  I swear he has the first gift he ever got.  You know what?  He does!   The day he was born I gave him a baby sized soccer ball.  It is still in the garage after 8 years.  A short time ago I wrote about how he wanted a new bike and one of the conditions was to clean the garage.  He did it with gusto!

Soon after that he took it into his head to clean up the sold waste dump otherwise known as his bedroom.   Like the garage some of the stuff he threw away, others he donated.  We can now breathe when we walk into it though it is not completely cleaned out.

There is another room all his; it is his toy room.  It was piled from floor to ceiling with toys, junk, books, junk, videos, junk, games, and just plain junk!  We had talked for months about cleaning it up and making it a room he could enjoy but nothing was happening.  Finally we sat him down and made a suggestion.  Get rid of only 10 items a day.   They can be large or small and he can throw them away or donate them.  For each item he got rid of we would give him a sticker.  Once he collected 70 stickers he would get a prize.  No, not something that would take up more space; perhaps a trip to Chucky Cheese’s or something similar.

He jumped at the idea.  So much so he was getting rid of more than 10 items a day.  He understood anything over that number would get him a bonus sticker but he would still have to get rid of 10 a day (no rollover points).  He completed his 70 items in a week and chose to go to Chucky’s.  I think his goal was just to get rid of everything and get the stickers because he spent only 30 minutes at the place.

Is the room spotless?  No, it looks like nothing has been done.   If, however, you saw everything he had thrown away you would have thought the room must be clean.

Since he got his 70 stickers is he done?  No way!  He came up with a novel way to clean it.  He is having shopping sprees.  Twice his buddy Bobby has been over and each time Max allows him to load up his backpack with as many toys as he can grab within a certain time limit.  Max keeps having to make the limit longer and longer because Bobby is s-o s-l-o-w!  It doesn’t seem a lot is happening this way but my wife and I are wondering how his Mom is going to react to all the stuff being transported to his house.

I really don’t know my kid.  What happened to all the hoarding?  I do know his goal is to convert the toy room into an amazing room he saw in a furniture catalog.  It is all spotless and clean.  There are places to play and to read. And there isn’t any clutter.

Even though he has been into cleaning lately he “falls off the wagon” sometimes. Both the garage and his bedroom are starting to get cluttered again.  To keep his cleanliness habit we are going to have to keep after him to throw out his trash.  His ocd seems to swing like a pendulum from hoarding to cleaning.

Right now he is getting really hyper.  Bobby’s 60 seconds has stretched into a half an hour and he is still s-l-o-w-l-y finding things.   But Max is bouncing off the walls waiting for him. Anything he picks up gets thrown down immediately.   He tried to change a battery in one of his toys and it turned out he didn’t have a replacement…meltdown.  I don’t know how much more cleaning will happen today.

Once he is finally completed he will have to convert his parents so that they become recovering hoarders too.

I read a wonderful post on respect over the weekend. How do we treat our children? Yes, I know we are the parents; we “know” what’s best for them and they must listen to us. Okay, maybe we do but how do we get it across to them?

Do we treat them with respect both at home and in public as we try to discipline them? Or do we yell and scream at them, humiliate them, maybe even swat their butts…especially when people are around watching us. Too many parents feel those eyes as their child is misbehaving and consciously or subconsciously feel the need to get the upper hand quickly; perhaps to show that they are “good” parents.

As a result our children can end up feeling like a nobody. They can not only lose respect for themselves but also for their parents. Have you noticed how they can stop listening to us? Sometimes it is almost like we aren’t in the room even though we are standing over them.

“How crude can we be at times in our conduct with our children. We’ll scold them in the middle of everyone in the party. We’ll drag them in the mall. Worse, we’ll nonchalantly criticize them in a group using words like ‘fussy’, ‘irritable’, and ‘stubborn’ in their presence.”

I don’t know how you were raised but can you remember back what it was like as a young child looking up at your parents towering over you? And being angry with you? Perhaps yelling at you? And what about those other parents watching everything that is happening? How did it make you feel?

Respect has been in my mind a lot lately. I’ve been wondering if we are treating our son well. Max is 8 years old; he has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, odd, pdd/nos, and ocd. Both in public and private he can become very explosive if things aren’t going his way. Our rule is that if this happens publically we cannot go back to that location for awhile. But we tend to do more than that, especially if we are exhausted by all of the daily drama.

Just before I read the post above Max and I had gone to the movies. We saw the “Night At The Museum” sequel. He had already seen it once and couldn’t wait to go again. After I bought the tickets he suddenly realized he had wanted to see the new movie “Up in Disney Digital 3D“. He had a meltdown. My response was to tell him if he didn’t want to see the museum movie he could go sit in the corner and wait until I was done watching it. And I said this in front of a lot of other people.

He did go to the movie and he did enjoy it but it set the tone for the rest of the day. Everything he did was wrong…mostly by his standards not ours. If he spilled something he would get upset with himself. If we tried to comfort him he would turn his anger on us.

Most people treat others respectfully. Even if you are angry with a friend or coworker would you scream at them? Or would you find a better way to get your message across so there won’t be a lot of upset? But as mentioned in the article we don’t treat our children the same way as we do other people. Not only that we expect them to be “adult” about it, that is, “take it like a man”. We also expect them to learn from us. And they do; they learn to treat their children the same way. In some cases their spirits may even get broken.

My eyes were really opened after reading this article. I love my son and I don’t want him feeling any worse about himself. He already feels badly considering the way his disabilities make him feel.

I hope other people can recognize a little of themselves too and perhaps make some changes in how they react to their kids.

Just got back from my son’s “graduation”. As most parents know it is not a real graduation; kids now take part in these end of the school year celebrations as they get promoted to the next level. My son, Max, is now going into the third grade, and sixth grade reading. Yep, they tell me he is an excellent reader. Could have fooled me; he never cracks a book at home.

It was a nice ceremony which was held in the gym/auditorium/cafeteria; and lots of cakes for me to enjoy afterwards. Kids got their grade certificates and awards for different things. My little engineer got an award for all the awesome things he can make with paper, cardboard, staples, and duct tape. His teacher told us that just yesterday he made an electric guitar and amplifier for the band he and his classmates put together. He has it in his head that he is going to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) after high school.

This is a special school for kids like Max who have disorders such as bpd, odd, ocd, autism, etc. He gets picked up by a van that takes him to the school a hour away every day. Unlike regular schools these know how to handle him. In the local schools Max was always being suspended because he never could handle transitions well. He would have an outburst and four teachers would tackle him to hold him down. The same boy my 5’4″, 113 lbs disabled wife can settle down without all the extra artillery.

This school has a “quiet” room; kids that cannot control themselves spend time in there. In a year and a half Max has never been in that room. He does have bad days but he doesn’t ever want to spend time in there so he controls himself. Just today his teacher was telling us that she knows when he is angry with her because he will seethe but he won’t yell, scream, or get physical. She says she tells him that it is alright for him to be angry but she is proud of him for not expressing it. And as my wife says, he saves it until he gets home. We get the brunt of it.

Other kids have different issues and do spend time in that room; lots of it.

Then there are the kids that we can’t read. One little girl goes to school with Max on the same van. She seems very sweet. She calls me daddy and my wife mummy. She would love to spend time at our house and she is always hugging my wife. We don’t know what her issues are though she apparently doesn’t have parents and lives in a group home. My wife would adopt her in a minute but because she is disabled and Max has so many issues it would be difficult to take on another child.

And then there is Bobby, Max’s best friend. We haven’t figured out why he is there yet. He comes across as very easy going. Even when Max is having a melt down he will look at him and say “cut it out”; then one of two things happens. Max will either calm down or will accelerate. If he explodes Bobby doesn’t know what to do about it except ask to go home.

The boys love to play at our house. Bobby lives in an apartment complex for seniors that consists of just buildings and parking lots, no play areas. If Max goes there they spend all their time in the living room watching television. We dropped him off last night at dinnertime and he was calling us to come get him before we had even gotten home.

We are thinking that on top of everything else he might be claustrophobic. It is a small apartment and very dark. They keep the shades drawn and it smells of stale tobacco smoke. They can’t make any noise because they are the only kids in this huge apartment complex which is strictly for elderly folks. Generally there isn’t any supervision. Bobby’s mom works constantly and his stepdad just locks himself in his room and leaves the boys to their own devices, that is, the TV. At least at our house they can be outside and free.

So back at the graduation, there were lots of kids with a lot of disorders. I’ve heard complaints that some of these schools are spending so much time managing the disorders they really don’t have time to keep the kids up to their grade level. Parents definitely have to keep an eye on what is happening and make sure their kids are getting what they need. Max will be starting the MCAS training in third grade so we will be able to see if his school is keeping up.

But today all you could see were happy and excited children. It was a fun time and yes, dad ate a lot of those cakes. Don’t tell my wife!

I’m continuing my journey on completing the 40 tasks to fireproof my family. Am I close to finishing? Hardly, while some of the tasks are easy, I have found others to be very difficult. In my post on Fireproofing the Family I explained why I wanted to take this path and in the second installment I talked about how hard the first task had been for me.

Why did I want to do this in the first place? Parents who have at least one child with a disability have a divorce rate that is much higher than the national average. My son has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, ocd, odd, pdd/nos, and sensory issues. It has put a large strain on our marriage and I can see where it may go.

Starting this project came about from seeing the movie Fireproof. A man on the brink of divorce is given the book “The Love Dare“. He uses it in an attempt to save his marriage. The book’s purpose is to improve marital relationships and it has tasks to be completed for each of 40 days. In the movie it took the main character more than that to complete them all.

Even though the first task was difficult, the one I am working on now has stopped me cold. Different people may find other ones that they struggle with. This one has gotten my stomach in knots. I am supposed to sit down with my wife and ask her a question:

“What 3 things bother you the most about me?”

And then I am supposed to shut up and listen. It is all about her now. If I have comments I must keep them to myself. If I get angry, or frustrated, or have any other emotion I am supposed to stifle them. My only goal is to listen to her carefully and really hear what she is saying.

But this really bothers me. There are several reasons, among them:

1. This involves communicating. I don’t like to “communicate”. It’s true that I will just be listening and not saying anything. But listening is communication too. And starting the conversation is also communication. It is true that being in any marriage involves conversation; being in a marriage that contains disabilities requires much more talking and listening. I didn’t get married until I was in my midforties. I had lived all of my adult life alone until then. I didn’t mind talking to people but I wasn’t much for talking with people. And yes, it is something I have to learn if I want my marriage to succeed. This task is a step forward in that direction but it still bothers me.

2. I already know a lot of things she may tell me which I’m not sure how to address. For one thing I am currently unemployed as are a lot of people right now. In the beginning I looked hard for another job but then I started a couple of things on my own and I’m pushing to get those off the ground. In the interim I’ve picked up odd jobs here and there to bring some money in. I know she is bothered that there isn’t a steady income. There are things that also need to be done around the house that I haven’t been addressing because I’ve been concentrating on my businesses. Our relationship may be another one she would mention. And of course there is the unknown, that is, what else could be bothering her about me.

3. I don’t know if I can sit still and keep my mouth shut. I know I’ll want to address and maybe even contradict everything she says. That certainly would be detrimental to our conversation.

So I’ve been holding off on this task. I know I have to get through it not only for our sakes but our son’s as well. It is a very tense atmosphere around here sometimes and he reacts to it. The meltdowns are worse, the disobedience becomes rampant, and in these situations he wants new parents!

I finally opened up to my therapist about this issue. After I explained both the book and movie to him he saw a major benefit in me doing the steps. I talked about my problems with this task and he said something that I found very interesting.

“You can learn a lot from things that you don’t want to hear.”

I may hear the things I expect her to say but I’ll get her point of view and her feelings. I may hear something totally new, something that may shock me, or something that will give me one of those “aha” moments. But in any case I can learn from the things she tells me.

What happens when she finishes talking? Again, I don’t make excuses or contradict her. My job now is to think about what she has said. If I have really listened to her, not just daydreamed while she was talking, I can put a plan together to resolve her issues to her satisfaction.

What would be the benefits to doing this? Probably better communication and a better relationship. At the same time it will improve our relationship with our son. And if we can get this down, we can teach him how to communicate better himself without all of his explosions and destructive behavior.

The bottom line is am I going to do this task? Yes I am even though it still really bothers me but “I can learn a lot from things that I don’t want to hear”.

“Spring has sprung!!”  As I write this it is a beautiful day.  Birds are singing and every once in awhile I can see the rabbit in back poke his nose out of the trees to see what is going on.

Max and I have been riding our bikes a lot this past week.  We’ve also been walking and running and…

Oh yeah, this is also the time of year to do the big cleanup.  We have been working in the back yard for awhile.  Some of the fir trees broke in an ice storm over the winter.  We have been sawing up the huge pile of branches and slowly getting closer to the trunks.

One job took precedence this weekend.  We have a single car garage that has not had a car in it since we moved in 8 years ago.  In the beginning it was full to the rafters with my stuff.  When my wife and I got married I moved into her house and stored everything.  After moving here I pulled it all out and loaded up the garage.  But several years ago I got the itch and ended up throwing away three fourths of it. Now we could move a little bit in there.

As Max got older his outdoor toys and crafts replaced everything.  Before long it was full again and Max could not bring himself to part with anything, not even his old baby toys.  This is part of his ocd.  When he was in the hospital he collected the dose cups he got twice a day, broken toys and games, and even bits of lint.  All of these ended up in the drawer beside his bed.  When we visited at night he would pull us over to show us but we had to promise not to tell anyone first; it was a secret.

Now that he is home everything goes into the garage.  When I take the trash barrels out I have to crawl over his bikes and skateboards to get to them.  In the winter it is a job getting the snow blower out after storms.  In the summer it is a struggle to get the deck chairs.

If we were to move we would need several trucks to take everything out.  Nope, been there, done that, not again!

Max needs a new bike, he practically has to squat down to ride the old one.  Of course it is three years old now.  He has been begging us for one some time.  He has even earned the money to buy it; not bad for an eight year old.  We have been telling him that to get the bike he has to first get rid of ten toys from the garage.  He balks every time we mention it.  The idea of losing anything of his no matter how small or worthless gets him very edgy.

Max is a pack rat but so are his parents.  When I was his age I believed that everything including inanimate objects could think and had emotions.  I couldn’t bear to hurt their feelings by getting rid of them.  I can’t say that Max believes this too but he has this ocd need to hoard everything.

When it finally dawned on him that he really wasn’t going to be able to get the new bike he took action.  On Sunday he opened the garage door and began removing junk.  I looked at my wife and mentioned that we only told him ten items.  She hushed me; let him keep going.

By the time he was done 90% of his possessions were piled on the sidewalk waiting for the trash man.  Not only that half the garage from front to back was empty!!  The sidewalk had sprung a wall but this didn’t last.  I had planned on putting out a sign saying “free stuff” but it wasn’t needed.  Most of the good stuff was gone overnight.

It was beyond our wildest dreams.  It definitely earned a trip to the bike store.  We went to Wal-Mart where he picked out a beautiful mountain bike for less than he had earned.  Because of the good job he did his parents threw in a brand new bike helmet.

When we got home he proudly rolled the bike into the back of the garage to stand beside mine.  Yeah right!  It stayed for all of two seconds before he shot down the street.  He has now been on it almost continuously since Sunday.  If he could he would probably sleep with it.

As far as the garage is concerned there is almost room to put a car in.  We still have the left side to do, probably this weekend.  Max has promised to weed out the rest of his junk but we’ll see what happens.  This aspect of his ocd took a holiday the other day.  Perhaps it will be ready to do the same again.

Max came home from his first trip to the hospital at the beginning of January.  Sadly, it seemed like we had brought a different child home.  Our happy-go-lucky 6 year old kid was now quiet, withdrawn, and anxious.  But it didn’t stay like this.  The anger that he showed before Christmas that resulted in several suspensions started to become more pronounced.  Unhappiness also began to emerge.  He seemed to spiral downward.

Looking back at it now there are things that we could have put in place to help him.  At the time we were into the first three months of these behaviors and we were stunned and didn’t handle things too well.  Other people continued to recommend spankings or more medication.  One person suggested he’d take my son away for a week and Sam would come back a changed boy.  He didn’t elaborate on what he would do in that week.

I went away at the beginning of February for two days.  By the time I came back the situation had gotten out of control.  The violence had become extreme.

We had to take him to the emergency room one day after he tried to hurt himself.  He became hysterical while we were there.  When the nurses tried to medicate him it was the final blow and he went wild.  As a result they locked him in a room expecting him to calm down.  But that didn’t happen.  My wife and I joined him to prevent him from smashing his head and body against the walls.  When he turned on us a security guard stayed in the room with us.

Later despite our protests they injected morphine into his inner thigh.  I had to hold him down while the nurses took care of the shot.  Late at night he and my wife finally fell asleep on a mattress on the floor.  I went home to collect changes of clothes, food, and toiletries.

What was the emergency room doing during this time?  Looking for a bed in a psychiatric hospital.  They first tried the place Max was in originally.  There was nothing available so they branched out, calling other hospitals in the state.  It took 36 hours for them to find a place for Max.  The whole time we were locked away.

An ambulance arrived to pick him up.  Psychiatric wards and hospitals don’t generally take walk-ins; you have to be transported by an ambulance.  Max and his mother settled in for the hour trip.  Max was calm now, I assume from exhaustion and morphine (though it had been about 20 hours since he had been given the injection).  I followed behind in my car thoughts running through my head about what a terrible dad I was for putting my boy through all of this.

It didn’t help that the emergency room psychiatrist working with Max told me to “suck it up and be a man” when I mentioned I thought Max would have a nervous breakdown when he discovered he was going back into the hospital.

We were admitted to the hospital but as we discovered from our first hospital visit our insurance didn’t cover any of this.  Not to worry Massachusetts has a health plan for kids who aren’t covered by other insurance.  The hospital helped us put the paperwork together and applied for us.  Max was covered within a week.

This wasn’t the only good thing about this hospital.  It turned out to be a “breath of fresh air” after the horrendous experience in the first one.

Max wasn’t thrilled about staying but he was a little more comfortable when he discovered that there were a dozen kids his age.  There were no older children.  He also had a roommate he liked.  The staff was wonderful and totally involved with the kids.  There was daily classroom instruction and they were very protective of the children.  We got to know the whole staff not just the ones that were assigned to Max.  They constantly gave us progress updates and we saw the doctors on a daily basis.

Even though visiting hours were from 6 pm to 8 pm they were very flexible. Max got to call us as often as he wanted but there was so much to do it wasn’t nearly as often as the first hospital.

What I found interesting and nice was the book the staff supplied us with included profiles, pictures, and phone numbers for everyone including the doctors.  It also contained any information that we needed about the hospital.

Did I mention that everything was clean?  Everyone took as much responsibility for the ward’s appearance as they did for the children.  It felt relatively good being there.  Home is better of course!

And the ward kept the parents involved.  We meet with the other parents once a week and talked about home life and got suggestions from the hospital on how we could change the structure here.  There were even sessions where the parents, kids, and staff got together and played games.

It turns out that some parents look at this as a place to dump their kids so they can take off on vacation.  Max’s roommate hadn’t seen his parents once since he got there.  He had been there before my son had arrived and was still there when Max left.  We visited my son at least once a day for 3 hours for the 15 days he was there.

Max was a little happier here but of course he wanted to come home.  And we wanted him home too!  He still clung to us and cried when we left at night but not as vigorously as before.  But he collected every little bit of trash he could find.  His hospital drawer was filled with elastics, broken toys, lint, and even the dose cups he got twice a day for his meds.

When he was released we didn’t go right home, we went to his favorite restaurant to celebrate.

Ever since we got home we have been working on procedures to help him.  We have a lot of retraining to do for both him and us even now over a year later.  In another post I’ll talk about them but for now he’s home and we are working to keep him from ever going back!

As a result of his stay we got a new med change that was much better than the last.  As far as diagnoses are concerned he still has pdd/nos, adhd, and sensory issues but three more have been added to the list: bipolar disorder, odd, and ocd.  Where will it end?

I read a story about ordinary heroes today.  These are people just like us that are unexpectedly thrust into extraordinary situations.  It centered around two men, Captain Richard Phillips and Captain C.B. “Sully” Sullenberger.

You will remember Phillips was the captain of the ship that was hijacked by pirates off the coast of Somalia.  He ended up exchanging himself for the lives of his crew and was later rescued by the US Navy.  And Sullenberger was the pilot that ditched his plane into the Hudson River saving the lives of 155 people.

When asked about their heroism, Sullenberger’s response: “We were only doing our jobs”; Phillips prefers to talk about his real heroes, the Navy Seals that rescued him.

To me this is one of the marks of a true hero, self-effacing people who would rather get on with their jobs than receive praise and glory for their acts of heroism.

Captains Phillips and Sullenberger are true icons and men we can learn from and they highlight the fact that there are true every day heroes among us, people that are just like us, people that we meet every day.

Parents and caregivers of adults and children that have physical and/or mental disabilities are heroes.  These men and women continue to do what they need to to meet the needs of their loved ones.  The mother who fights to make sure her daughter gets the proper services from schools, hospitals, and communities that she deserves.  The father who makes the hard decision to admit his out of control son to a hospital then stays through the night to make sure his boy is taken care of.  The woman who spends most of her free time caring for a neighbor who is incapable of caring for himself as a result of brain cancer.

And don’t forget the disabled.  They push passed their disabilities every day to make a good life for themselves and for others.  There is the woman, crippled by multiple sclerosis, who continues to develop websites for organizations devoted to helping the sick and needy.  And there are the children who struggle to be like so called “normal” kids by taking their medications and going to school all the while knowing they aren’t “normal”.

My son is one of my heroes.  He is 8 years old and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, odd, ocd, pdd/nos, and he is very explosive.  He hates that he is this way and he continues to look for ways to stop being so angry.  But through it all he tries to find humor in life and help other people.

Last week Max was finishing up breakfast when he suddenly jumped up and yelled “the van is here, I’m not dressed yet!” and ran out of the room.  My wife and I looked at each other in surprise even as we heard the beep, beep, beep sound the van makes when it is backing into our driveway.  How did we get so late this morning?  As we ran to the door it dawned on us at about the same time…why would the van be here today, this is vacation week?

We looked out the window and, of course, there was no van in the driveway, a truck was backing up down the street.  Max was in the living room stifling laughter.  He had gotten us!!

Last night Max and I went to his club meeting.  During game time the kids were broken up into teams for competition.  Max and his buddy huddled up to plan strategy.  I called across the room to remind the both of them that they had another teammate.  Both looked around and saw Albert standing in a corner.  I don’t know his condition but he appears to be autistic.  I have seen him at meetings but he never joins in preferring to stay at his mother’s side.

Max and Mikey went right over to him, took his hands and brought him back to huddle with them.  All bent with their heads together.  While Mikey’s and Max’s hands were on each of their shoulders, Albert’s hands hung limply by his hands.  At the same moment both Max and Mikey reached down, took his hands and placed them on their shoulders.  Then they made their plans.

When the game started Albert actually joined in for the first time.  He grabbed some packages, ran down to the other side of the room, dropped them in the correct pile, ran back to the beginning and waited for the others to finish.  Tonight he was a teammate, not the kid that hangs around Mom.  Even Mom was happy.

All three boys came through in the clutch, I didn’t need to pressure them into doing what they did, they did it instinctively.

Phillips and Sullenberger will continue to be my heroes but so will others.

Max and Mikey are also my heroes.

Who are yours?

My son is the best boy!  Isn’t that what all parents say about their kids?  Max has letters after his name that start at A and go all the way through Z.   He doesn’t have a lot of degrees; he is only in the second grade.   But he has a lot of diagnoses.  These are: ADHD, BPD, OCD, ODD, PDD/NOS, SID, Anxiety, and at this time of year, seasonal allergies that plug him up good.  I bet a lot of you parents can relate.

Why all the diagnoses?  One friend calls them labels that help us work with these children.  In my son’s case it is:

1. ADHD – to explain his hyperactivity (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)
2. BPD – this is why he is so manic sometimes and calm other times (Bipolar Disorder)
3. OCD – this covers his recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
4. ODD – man, can this kid be defiant (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)
5. PDD/NOS – covers his social skills (Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified)
6. SID – he needs pressure or spinning to calm him down.  He used to be overly sensitive to sounds but that seems to have gone away.  He is very impulsive and is a picky eater. Cannot stand tags in his clothes; we have to cut them out. (Sensory Integration Disorder)
7. Anxiety – this is fairly new (in the last year).  He has gone from being very outgoing to having a difficult time being away from his mother.
8. Allergies – I’ve included this on the list because they tend to exacerbate all of the other issues especially when he cannot breathe.

In later posts I’ll address each one of these “labels” and explain how my wife and I address each one of them.

As a lot of parents can attest to we are caught in a whirlwind of differing opinions as to what the real problems are and what we should and should not be doing to raise our kid.

We have been told that the diagnoses are worthless that it is just bad parenting.  Why haven’t we been spanking him, or better still, using a wooden spoon or a belt, to straighten him out?  Or another suggested sending him away to military school.

Get rid of the medications he is fine (yes, he seems fine because he is taking meds right now).  I had one parent tell me to give my son up to him for a week and my boy would come back a different child.

Others believe that that we should institutionalize him, or give him even more meds, to take care of the problems.

Max is in a special school and even though he is in second grade he spend alot of time with the fourth grade class learning more advanced subjects.  He takes pride in the fact that he is the only student in his class that has never been sent to the “quiet room”.  He saves all of that for when he comes home.

He currently sees a play therapist and has a mentor to help him work though his issues and he has occupational therapy several times a week at school.

As I talk about what my wife and I are doing for our son, I hope our readers will share some of what they have found works and what doesn’t as well.