Posts tagged ‘ODD’

Do you and your family move around a lot because of your job or because you are in the service?  Do your kids have issues such as Aspergers Syndrome or Bipolar Disorder?  In either case you have most likely found yourself pulling your kids out of one school and into another more often than you’d like to think about.  You have found not all schools and teachers are created equal.  Some are good and some are not so good.  You have to keep very close eye to make sure your children are keeping up to their grade level so they’ll be able to move on to college and into adult life.  This is the School Rollercoaster.

Most children have a set path.  They start in preschool or kindergarten, move through grade school, on into middle school, and finish with high school before going on to college.  They and their parents get to know the other families as they spend up to 14 years with them.  They know what is being taught at the school and where their kids are going.

But unlike them the children on the school rollercoaster can slip back sometimes unnoticed into lower grade levels based on what they are being taught in the different schools they attend.

My son Max is 8 years old.  Like other children his age he is in grade 3 this year.  Unlike the other kids his education has not only moved progressively but also regressively.  This has been a source of frustration for us because he is very smart.  And it is even more frustrating for him when he finds he is being taught things he learned years before.

Preschool was the second school he was in; he started in a special needs school to help him with his motor skills.  But preschool he loved; they played a lot and learned much more than how to count and say the alphabet.  They covered most of the things that other children learn in kindergarten.

Kindergarten was more progressive as well.  The teacher had been responsible for setting up programs for special needs kids in the district.  This was a good thing because when Max was 5 his disabilities became more pronounced.  She knew exactly what to do.  She brought my wife and I in to create an IEP (Individualized Education Program).  In those days we really knew nothing about them and she helped us through it.

She also believed in stretching the kids mentally.  Max was learning first grade work that year.  He knew how to add and subtract even before going into the next grade.  She was the first to point out to us how intelligent he is (as if we didn’t know).

We will always be grateful Max started his schooling with her.  Just the education alone would help him through the first grade; that year he was in 5 different schools, all with different ways of teaching:

• When he was promoted to the first grade we found that Max’s teacher had never taught before.  Not only that she had not received any special needs training.  The instruction he got was the exact same as in kindergarten.  He was 6 and that year he was diagnosed with adhd, bipolar disorder, pdd or aspergers (the diagnosis changes depending on the psychiatrist), odd, ocd, and whatever else they could think of.

• He became completely uncontrollable and by Christmas was in a hospital.  For the 8 days he was there they provided some form of education.  Considering what he experienced I’m surprised he got any teaching at all.

• When he came out his former school did not want to deal with him so they sent him to a special needs school about an hour away for evaluation.  During the testing they tried to determine how he would blend in with the other students.  His course of study was on a first and second grade level.

• During the evaluation phase he again entered a hospital.  For the next two weeks he became part of a one room school house type of environment.  The program covered classes on the first through fifth grade levels so Max learned whatever they gave him.

• When he left the hospital he found himself back in the special school.  They had determined that he should be moved up a grade level. So from April of that year through the following year when he was 7 he would be in grade 2.  The school followed the second grade curriculum.

Third grade was another step back for Max.  The teacher was yet another brand new one.  Like his first grade teacher this one had just graduated from school and she didn’t have any special needs experience.  We discovered that he was being taught all of the same things he learned back in second grade.  Not only was he repeating the grade but he wasn’t learning anything new.  The only good side was that the teacher realized that his reading abilities were beyond what she was teaching so he was placed in the fifth grade reading class.

We didn’t take this year lightly.  We knew that he would be far behind other kids his age if things didn’t change.  We discussed our concerns with the school principal and the guidance counselor.  The week before February school vacation they informed us that when he came back to school he would be starting fifth grade.  Why the big jump?  Because this teacher has a lot of years teaching experience and she has her masters degree in special education.  She teaches both the fourth and fifth grade levels so Max really wouldn’t be jumping two grades, only 1; and most important she has already knows Max from his fifth grade reading class.

This doesn’t mean he’ll be going into sixth grade next year.  He will continue with this teacher at least one more year.  But we will be able to breathe a little easier knowing that he is getting the education he needs.

The point of this story is that if we hadn’t kept track of what was happening Max would still be behind.  It is not enough to assume that the schools are going to provide the right education you have to make sure.  And lately if you’ve been watching the news you know that people that move around a lot or have special needs children are not the only ones that must stay alert; everyone has to.  Schools are now firing their teaching staffs for poor quality performance.  It started in Rhode Island and will be moving across the country.  Just yesterday the government announced that it will be establishing countrywide educational standards.

Not just teachers but we, as parents, all need to make sure our kids are learning what they need to.

I haven’t even mentioned what the school rollercoaster does to our kids.  The constant moves have been tough enough on Max as it is; but he also keeps losing the teachers he really likes.  This has been very upsetting for him.  On the positive side this most recent move will not only bring his grade level back up but he loves his new teacher.

For kids like Max this might not be their last move but if we keep track of what is going on we can attempt to make the moves less traumatic for them and be sure they are progressing as they should.

My 8 year old son Max gets a lot of services through the Department of Mental Health.  He is eligible for them because of his diagnoses.  These include bipolar disorder, adhd, pdd/nos, odd, ocd, high anxiety, and sensory integration issues.  Because we have been receiving all of these services we have been trying for months to get a meeting together to make sure that everyone is working towards the same goal.   That is, improving my son’s standard of living.

I just came from that meeting and it was interesting to say the least.  Before it happened we insisted that either my wife’s counselor, Max’s play therapist, or both be present otherwise it would be a waste of time for us.  When we arrived this morning both surprisingly were there especially since it didn’t look like their schedules would match.   Also there besides us 4 were our family therapist, Max’s mentor, their supervisor, and the caseworker who was leading the meeting.

Before we started the caseworker had to make the point that he didn’t know that the play therapist was going to be there.  Apparently it was going to change the dynamics of the whole meeting, whatever that meant.   The supervisor piped in that we were there to discuss why we were dissatisfied with their services.  My wife and I looked at each other in shock; we never said we didn’t like the services, we just wanted to make sure everyone had the same goals.  To that end we had wanted the play therapist involved since she works with Max directly.

Once we got this straightened out we could then start the meeting.  The play therapist talked about how Max has a major problem with limits and the word “No”; either can set him into a tirade that can be physical and/or verbal.  She says that when this happens she sees a totally different boy than the one she is used to dealing with.  When she starting working with him in October she thought that his parents were too lenient but she finds that today in August they are stronger and more consistent.  When he explodes he must spend time on the couch until he calms down.  If he gets violent Dad will hold him until he settles down.  She sees a lot of improvement.  She has been working with him on accepting boundaries.

The family therapist talked about how she originally had intended to work with the whole family but Max wanted all the attention on himself.  It made it very difficult, so at his parents’ request she started working directly with them to help them learn to communicate with each other and become more supportive.  She believes that there has been improvement.

Max’s mentor says she goes with the flow.  They do things that he likes to do such as basketball, bike riding, or swimming.  In the process she has been working with him to accept “No” as an answer.  She will say “no” to minor things; he will grumble and may ask a second time but that’s it.

My wife’s counselor talked about how she is worried about Max’s parents.  She would not only like to see them communicate more but they also need some rest; raising Max is exhausting.  Our caseworker jumped in at this point and thanked her for bringing him to the subject he most wanted to discuss.  This is “respite”.

For months we have been talking about getting rest for Mom and Dad on the weekends so we will be more able to take care of Max during the week.   It would also help our own relationship; as the therapist said we could start dating again.   This was a timely subject since my wife and I were actually falling asleep in the meeting.

Respite is kind of a sore subject.  It was first brought up in January when our caseworker mentioned a children’s home that has kids living there permanently.  On weekends it is available for families to drop their own kids off to give everyone a chance to relax.  It is a structured environment with programs that are not only fun but teach the children how to manage their behaviors.

My wife was excited; I told the caseworker at the time I didn’t like it but I would do it for her sake.  I didn’t want to be separated from Max; I felt that we should be doing things together on weekends, if not as a family, at least as father and son.  That’s the way it was when I was growing up.  He took that to mean I wouldn’t do it at all so the idea got shelved.  It came back up in May so we went for a tour of the facility.  It had a lot of things Max loves like a weight room, basketball court, and a bike track with bicycles.

When we first mentioned it to him Max was excited especially when we took him just to see it.  What made it better for him was that one of his friends lives there so he would have someone to play with.  He was all set to stay overnight but we decided that a few hours the first time might be better to ease him in to it.

He stayed 4 hours the first time but he wasn’t too thrilled with it.   When we arrived a counselor promised him bike riding but then couldn’t find a key to the bike shed.  He agreed to a second try the next week.  That day it was raining so he ended up spending 6 hours in front of a TV set; Max doesn’t like watching for more than 10 minutes at a time.  He was very quiet and subdued when he got home and very clingy.  We scheduled 1 more trip but cancelled at the last minute when Max refused to go.   This was in June and we haven’t tried since.

So the subject came up again today at the meeting.  They insisted forcefully that we try it again.  We insisted just as forcefully that we would not drag him kicking and screaming to the place.  We have gone through this before and yes, as they pointed out, it works out sometimes.  Going to his school was initially a disaster but he grew to love it.  But you know what, his first trip to the hospital was not pretty.  He didn’t get used to it and this is where his anxiety levels initially skyrocketed.  The home gave me a little bit of the same feeling; I can only guess how he felt.

Anyway, we’ve decided to try it again.  We are going to schedule an overnight this Friday night.  This time we won’t drive him; Friday afternoons he spends with his mentor so she will get him ready to go while they are on their outing.   The family therapist will meet them and drive him there.  She will stay for an hour or so to make sure he settles in.  On Saturday his mentor will visit him and see how things are going.  At the end of the day we’ll pick him up.

My wife and I have a lot of concerns but we are willing to try it; not only for ourselves but for Max as well.  The caseworker has promised to call the home to voice our concerns.  That is, that my son is not getting what he needs. If they are going to watch television all day let him do arts and crafts at the same time, this will settle him.   Take him to the gym, he needs muscle work to relax.  If it a sunny day take him outside, he needs the sun!

With that everyone at the meeting was satisfied that everything was accomplished.  It was adjourned and we all left for home.  But as I write this my concerns about respite are resurfacing.  I’m not coming up with reasons not to do it as the caseworker suggested.  I want this to work for both Max and my wife.  And no I don’t believe that Max will not be affected by this as he also suggested.  Today is Wednesday, Friday is the big day, I will take a wait and see attitude.   If it doesn’t work out I’ll be looking for something else.  If it does it will be great for all of us.

My son Max is 8 years old.  On Monday he started his first job.  This is not unusual in our family.  I started working when I was 7.   In neither case were we forced to go out and make money.  It was our own decisions to do what we do.

Max didn’t start out expecting to work; he wanted to ride horses.  When he was 3 years old his aunt gave him a book about them; every page was about a different one.  We had to read the book over and over to him and in no time he knew all about 50 different horses including his favorites: Belgians, Shires, and Clydesdales.

When I was 7 I got my first job…working on a horse farm.   Every morning I was up early cleaning out the stalls, feeding and walking the horses.  My pay was room and board and an occasional ride.  When Max started reading about horses he wanted to meet them.  He would be in heaven if he also got the chance to ride one so we started looking for festivals that had pony rides. He was ecstatic just sitting on them and he wanted more and more.

About this time I discovered that the farm I had worked on was now running therapeutic programs so I looked into getting him riding lessons.   They were willing to teach him but since he was only 3 he needed to have a disability or disorder to be accepted.  This was not going to be a problem; he had already been diagnosed with sensory integration disorder.  For the next 8 weeks he went twice a week to learn how to ride.

Then one day as he was having his lesson he saw another horse suddenly rear up and cause the rider to fall to the ground.  She didn’t get hurt but she was shaken badly.   This was enough to change Max’s mind.  He was now very afraid of horses and didn’t want to go near them.

Over the next few years he slowly came around. He has been riding horses, ponies, camels, and elephants at fairs and circuses.  I’ve also talked to him about how I’d love to see him work on a farm like I did. So the thought was in his mind even as he was diagnosed with adhd, pdd/nos, odd, and bipolar disorder.  Whew!

We have been working with the Department of Mental Health in our area to set up programs for him and they recently informed us they have a summer program at a therapeutic farm not far from us.  We mentioned it to Max and he was ecstatic.  Yes, he wants to do it!

Now for the month of August he is expected to be at work at 9 a.m. but he has convinced me to get him there by 8:15 so that he can help set up for the day.  This means mucking out all the stalls, and feeding and saddling the horses.  After that he rides, walks the horses, and brushes them down.  Like it was for me, the riding is his payment.   He loves it, and so do I.  He would move to the farm to be there night and day if he could.   I’m glad to see it; therapeutic farms have proven to be successful helping kids with disabilities and disorders.

So I get up in time to drive him off into the country; the farm is in the middle of a large forest.  I pull in to the parking lot and we pile his gear on top of one of the picnic tables.   Then we wait until one of the farm hands or coaches comes to fetch him.   They have learned to expect him early and tell me they enjoy having him help them prepare for the day.

Today he had a massive headache and we had to pick him up at noon.  He cried all the way home.  We knew it must have been painful because he never cries.  But he was also crying because his day was cut short.  I wonder if that means that I will have to get him there even earlier on Monday.

Max has a particular pony that he is in charge of.  He doesn’t like to be away from him and feels he is not taking care of him if he isn’t there.  So today has been hard for him being at home.

If he continues to love horses like this he will thrive at the farm.  Who knows where he will go with this.

My son Max is 8 years old. He loves to go to school because there are always things for him to do. It is a very structured environment, which he needs. His anxiety levels skyrocket if nothing is scheduled for him. When that happens his disorders activate; he has odd, bipolar disorder, pdd/nos, and adhd.

Weekends can be tough because we don’t always have something for him to do. Max has a lot of energy so it can take him minutes or even seconds to get through the things he thinks of doing. Then he spends a lot of time moping around the house getting very bored and very miserable. Being at home is not a very happy time for him.

This passed Sunday turned out to be a very exciting day. I have rarely seen him so happy. It started out as a pretty standard weekend day. He woke up at 5 in the morning and went through his morning wildness before his medications started working. But it seemed that he got bored very quickly this morning.

“What are we going to do today?”

“Where are we going to go?”

“Who can I play with?”

And he was starting to whine and hound us; a typical weekend day.

At 7 o’clock I called him over. “Max, I’m going raspberry picking, are you coming with me?” “I dunno.” “Well, I’ll be in the car. If you want to come then join me.” Guess what, he went with me. He wasn’t sure he wanted to; he dragged his feet getting out there; but he went.

It was only 7:15 when we arrived at the farm. As I pulled into the parking lot his anxiety kicked in. “It’s too early. It is still closed.” I reassured him that it had been open for 15 minutes already. After all, I told him, it is a farm; they’ve probably been working since 5 o’clock. And it was. We went into the store and were directed to the raspberries a quarter of a mile walk in back of the fields.

When we got there we bought a little bucket from a girl in a hut. She then pointed out the best pickings for us. Max was a little tentative at first pulling the juicy red raspberries off of the bushes but he soon got into the swing of things and started filling the bucket. Of course, he had to try a couple as we went along. We also found some black raspberries which topped off the pail nicely.

When we were done we spent some time in the farm playground and visited their petting zoo. After that we each had one of their apple cider donuts while watching the geese splash in the pond.

You would think that after all of this it would be lunch time. Hardly, it’s only 8:30. From here we did some hiking. There is a hill close to our house in the middle of a forest. It is very steep and it’s a lot of exercise getting to the top. Max ran most of the way; I was crawling by the end. It took a half hour to get to the top and then back to the car.

From here we decided to get some breakfast at a restaurant on the grounds of a small airport near us. Max had sausage and some apple juice. It was a beautiful day so we got to see a lot of planes flying.

We got home at 10 o’clock. This worked out for us because, what we hadn’t told Max, we were leaving to go to a barbeque at 10:30. While we were away my wife had spent the morning putting together the food we were bringing and packing other essentials. We arrived at the party at 11:30. Our hosts own a house on a lake in New Hampshire. Max’s eyes lit up when he saw it and he immediately went from the car to the water.

I won’t spend a lot of time writing about everything Max did today but he swam for a long time. He then went out on both a pedal boat and a kayak several times during the afternoon. He also paddled around this side of the lake on a rubber tire. There were three girls his age at the party and they joined in everything he was doing. The one thing they didn’t want any part of were the large spiders he found underneath a floating dock. And he ate hotdogs, corn chips, brownies, and cookies; anyone that knows him will be surprised to hear this. He doesn’t usually eat very much and rarely touches sweets.

We had planned on leaving the party at 3 but Max was having so much fun that we ended up staying until 8 o’clock. And after this long day he slept the hour home and I carried him to bed.

As I said earlier, this was a very exciting day for him. He didn’t have any time to even think about being miserable. It was wonderful to see. Most parents don’t like to see their kids unhappy; our kid may be unhappier than most of them. He doesn’t have too many friends; the ones he has don’t want to see him often because of the way he acts. His dad is in his 50s and has multiple sclerosis so he doesn’t have a lot of energy to do things with him. He is very anxious and it bothers him that he has to take medications for each of his problems.

Today was an amazing day for him; he fell asleep excited. This is the kind of day my wife and I treasure. Hmmm, I wonder if we can have a couple more of these before the end of the summer.

I read a wonderful post on respect over the weekend. How do we treat our children? Yes, I know we are the parents; we “know” what’s best for them and they must listen to us. Okay, maybe we do but how do we get it across to them?

Do we treat them with respect both at home and in public as we try to discipline them? Or do we yell and scream at them, humiliate them, maybe even swat their butts…especially when people are around watching us. Too many parents feel those eyes as their child is misbehaving and consciously or subconsciously feel the need to get the upper hand quickly; perhaps to show that they are “good” parents.

As a result our children can end up feeling like a nobody. They can not only lose respect for themselves but also for their parents. Have you noticed how they can stop listening to us? Sometimes it is almost like we aren’t in the room even though we are standing over them.

“How crude can we be at times in our conduct with our children. We’ll scold them in the middle of everyone in the party. We’ll drag them in the mall. Worse, we’ll nonchalantly criticize them in a group using words like ‘fussy’, ‘irritable’, and ‘stubborn’ in their presence.”

I don’t know how you were raised but can you remember back what it was like as a young child looking up at your parents towering over you? And being angry with you? Perhaps yelling at you? And what about those other parents watching everything that is happening? How did it make you feel?

Respect has been in my mind a lot lately. I’ve been wondering if we are treating our son well. Max is 8 years old; he has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, odd, pdd/nos, and ocd. Both in public and private he can become very explosive if things aren’t going his way. Our rule is that if this happens publically we cannot go back to that location for awhile. But we tend to do more than that, especially if we are exhausted by all of the daily drama.

Just before I read the post above Max and I had gone to the movies. We saw the “Night At The Museum” sequel. He had already seen it once and couldn’t wait to go again. After I bought the tickets he suddenly realized he had wanted to see the new movie “Up in Disney Digital 3D“. He had a meltdown. My response was to tell him if he didn’t want to see the museum movie he could go sit in the corner and wait until I was done watching it. And I said this in front of a lot of other people.

He did go to the movie and he did enjoy it but it set the tone for the rest of the day. Everything he did was wrong…mostly by his standards not ours. If he spilled something he would get upset with himself. If we tried to comfort him he would turn his anger on us.

Most people treat others respectfully. Even if you are angry with a friend or coworker would you scream at them? Or would you find a better way to get your message across so there won’t be a lot of upset? But as mentioned in the article we don’t treat our children the same way as we do other people. Not only that we expect them to be “adult” about it, that is, “take it like a man”. We also expect them to learn from us. And they do; they learn to treat their children the same way. In some cases their spirits may even get broken.

My eyes were really opened after reading this article. I love my son and I don’t want him feeling any worse about himself. He already feels badly considering the way his disabilities make him feel.

I hope other people can recognize a little of themselves too and perhaps make some changes in how they react to their kids.

Just got back from my son’s “graduation”. As most parents know it is not a real graduation; kids now take part in these end of the school year celebrations as they get promoted to the next level. My son, Max, is now going into the third grade, and sixth grade reading. Yep, they tell me he is an excellent reader. Could have fooled me; he never cracks a book at home.

It was a nice ceremony which was held in the gym/auditorium/cafeteria; and lots of cakes for me to enjoy afterwards. Kids got their grade certificates and awards for different things. My little engineer got an award for all the awesome things he can make with paper, cardboard, staples, and duct tape. His teacher told us that just yesterday he made an electric guitar and amplifier for the band he and his classmates put together. He has it in his head that he is going to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) after high school.

This is a special school for kids like Max who have disorders such as bpd, odd, ocd, autism, etc. He gets picked up by a van that takes him to the school a hour away every day. Unlike regular schools these know how to handle him. In the local schools Max was always being suspended because he never could handle transitions well. He would have an outburst and four teachers would tackle him to hold him down. The same boy my 5’4″, 113 lbs disabled wife can settle down without all the extra artillery.

This school has a “quiet” room; kids that cannot control themselves spend time in there. In a year and a half Max has never been in that room. He does have bad days but he doesn’t ever want to spend time in there so he controls himself. Just today his teacher was telling us that she knows when he is angry with her because he will seethe but he won’t yell, scream, or get physical. She says she tells him that it is alright for him to be angry but she is proud of him for not expressing it. And as my wife says, he saves it until he gets home. We get the brunt of it.

Other kids have different issues and do spend time in that room; lots of it.

Then there are the kids that we can’t read. One little girl goes to school with Max on the same van. She seems very sweet. She calls me daddy and my wife mummy. She would love to spend time at our house and she is always hugging my wife. We don’t know what her issues are though she apparently doesn’t have parents and lives in a group home. My wife would adopt her in a minute but because she is disabled and Max has so many issues it would be difficult to take on another child.

And then there is Bobby, Max’s best friend. We haven’t figured out why he is there yet. He comes across as very easy going. Even when Max is having a melt down he will look at him and say “cut it out”; then one of two things happens. Max will either calm down or will accelerate. If he explodes Bobby doesn’t know what to do about it except ask to go home.

The boys love to play at our house. Bobby lives in an apartment complex for seniors that consists of just buildings and parking lots, no play areas. If Max goes there they spend all their time in the living room watching television. We dropped him off last night at dinnertime and he was calling us to come get him before we had even gotten home.

We are thinking that on top of everything else he might be claustrophobic. It is a small apartment and very dark. They keep the shades drawn and it smells of stale tobacco smoke. They can’t make any noise because they are the only kids in this huge apartment complex which is strictly for elderly folks. Generally there isn’t any supervision. Bobby’s mom works constantly and his stepdad just locks himself in his room and leaves the boys to their own devices, that is, the TV. At least at our house they can be outside and free.

So back at the graduation, there were lots of kids with a lot of disorders. I’ve heard complaints that some of these schools are spending so much time managing the disorders they really don’t have time to keep the kids up to their grade level. Parents definitely have to keep an eye on what is happening and make sure their kids are getting what they need. Max will be starting the MCAS training in third grade so we will be able to see if his school is keeping up.

But today all you could see were happy and excited children. It was a fun time and yes, dad ate a lot of those cakes. Don’t tell my wife!

My son Max, who is 8 years old, goes to school like most kids. His school, however, has a half day every Wednesday. He is home by 1 pm and, until recently, we had to fill up every minute with things for him to do so the explosions would be averted. Parents, whose kids are bipolar, or adhd, or pdd/nos, or another disorder will understand what I mean.

His current Wednesday schedule is to come home and drop off his backpack. He then goes off with his Wednesday mentor for an hour. After that his play therapist spends another hour with him and then at 3 pm he is off to a 3 hour program in the next town. He and I usually top off the night by riding bikes before bedtime.

Max loves structure. When something happens to disrupt it we can be subjected to a major tirade. When he was younger we were very new at this. Okay, so is this upset due to his bipolar disorder or is it just a typical tantrum that all kids have. It took us a long time to figure out the difference. At that time we believed that we should be ignoring the disorder related explosion and coming down on him for the typical stuff.

As a result he got away with a lot of things. Now we understand that we should not be overlooking any of the tantrums. Yes, some of them might be related to his disorders but just like any kid he has to learn that inappropriate behavior is still inappropriate no matter what the cause. Because he got away with so much when he was younger there are a lot of things he has to unlearn and relearn.

When Max was last in the hospital the doctors told us that added to his other diagnoses he also has Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). This is a fancy way of saying he has temper tantrums, is easily annoyed, and refuses to comply with our rules and requests. They had two recommendations that surprised us…and woke us up. They told us to watch “The Dog Whisperer” and “SuperNanny”*.

“SuperNanny”* was to show us how to discipline Max. Having disorders does not give him a free pass to act badly; we still have to teach him that he cannot do these things.

Cesar Millan is successful in “The Dog Whisperer” because when training his animals he is “calm assertive”, he doesn’t raise his voice, he doesn’t get angry, quietly and assertively he teaches these dogs to behave.

Too many parents either yell and scream or, like me, get a stern hard edge to their voices. Whichever way we choose we are not being “calm assertive”. As a result things can get worse rather than better.

I can’t say that I have this “calm assertive” stuff always working yet though I’ve noticed that when I do act like this Max complies with fewer melt downs and is much happier,

Yesterday afternoon he and I went hiking with his friends and another dad. It started out okay, Max was enjoying himself. Then something changed and nothing seemed to go right for him. The toy gun he brought appeared to break which upset him. We were hiking in a different direction than he wanted to go. The older boys kept running ahead and he couldn’t keep up. Well, the tantrums kept coming fast and furious. Dad was having trouble keeping his cool. It was so tough we both wanted to go home! It wasn’t until the end of the hike that we were both calm and walking hand in hand back out of the forest. The rest of the gang had long since forged ahead and we didn’t catch up to them until we reached the car.

Thinking about it later I can see that there were better ways to handle this rather than being part of the problem.

Today was a different story. I mentioned earlier about the structure we have set up after his half day is over. His mentor generally comes first. However, this morning he called while Max was in school. He informed me that he had to go to an emergency meeting at his office so he wouldn’t be able to keep his appointment today.

I knew Max would be devastated and would probably explode and have a very tough time before his therapist arrived. I decided to take him to lunch. We went to the 99 restaurant where he wanted prime rib. Whoops, another tantrum possibility…what if they don’t have it for lunch. Before we went he agreed that if this happened he would have a cheeseburger.

It turns out prime rib is only served Thursday through Sunday after 4 pm. The meltdown almost started until I reminded him about our earlier discussion. He settled for pizza and Caesar salad. And didn’t the boy who rarely eats lunch devour the whole thing! We then got home in time to meet his therapist.

Meltdowns were averted and as I write this he is off to his 3 hour program where, I believe, for the next few sessions they are having drama classes. Perfect for the boy who loves costumes!

So now I have a question for parents with kids who, like Max, have bipolar disorder, adhd, pdd/nos, or another disorder. How do you handle the meltdown situations? Have you found a way that works best? Have you had any success in retraining your kids so that they have better control?

*”SuperNanny” was originally posted as “The Nanny”

I’m continuing my journey on completing the 40 tasks to fireproof my family. Am I close to finishing? Hardly, while some of the tasks are easy, I have found others to be very difficult. In my post on Fireproofing the Family I explained why I wanted to take this path and in the second installment I talked about how hard the first task had been for me.

Why did I want to do this in the first place? Parents who have at least one child with a disability have a divorce rate that is much higher than the national average. My son has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, adhd, ocd, odd, pdd/nos, and sensory issues. It has put a large strain on our marriage and I can see where it may go.

Starting this project came about from seeing the movie Fireproof. A man on the brink of divorce is given the book “The Love Dare“. He uses it in an attempt to save his marriage. The book’s purpose is to improve marital relationships and it has tasks to be completed for each of 40 days. In the movie it took the main character more than that to complete them all.

Even though the first task was difficult, the one I am working on now has stopped me cold. Different people may find other ones that they struggle with. This one has gotten my stomach in knots. I am supposed to sit down with my wife and ask her a question:

“What 3 things bother you the most about me?”

And then I am supposed to shut up and listen. It is all about her now. If I have comments I must keep them to myself. If I get angry, or frustrated, or have any other emotion I am supposed to stifle them. My only goal is to listen to her carefully and really hear what she is saying.

But this really bothers me. There are several reasons, among them:

1. This involves communicating. I don’t like to “communicate”. It’s true that I will just be listening and not saying anything. But listening is communication too. And starting the conversation is also communication. It is true that being in any marriage involves conversation; being in a marriage that contains disabilities requires much more talking and listening. I didn’t get married until I was in my midforties. I had lived all of my adult life alone until then. I didn’t mind talking to people but I wasn’t much for talking with people. And yes, it is something I have to learn if I want my marriage to succeed. This task is a step forward in that direction but it still bothers me.

2. I already know a lot of things she may tell me which I’m not sure how to address. For one thing I am currently unemployed as are a lot of people right now. In the beginning I looked hard for another job but then I started a couple of things on my own and I’m pushing to get those off the ground. In the interim I’ve picked up odd jobs here and there to bring some money in. I know she is bothered that there isn’t a steady income. There are things that also need to be done around the house that I haven’t been addressing because I’ve been concentrating on my businesses. Our relationship may be another one she would mention. And of course there is the unknown, that is, what else could be bothering her about me.

3. I don’t know if I can sit still and keep my mouth shut. I know I’ll want to address and maybe even contradict everything she says. That certainly would be detrimental to our conversation.

So I’ve been holding off on this task. I know I have to get through it not only for our sakes but our son’s as well. It is a very tense atmosphere around here sometimes and he reacts to it. The meltdowns are worse, the disobedience becomes rampant, and in these situations he wants new parents!

I finally opened up to my therapist about this issue. After I explained both the book and movie to him he saw a major benefit in me doing the steps. I talked about my problems with this task and he said something that I found very interesting.

“You can learn a lot from things that you don’t want to hear.”

I may hear the things I expect her to say but I’ll get her point of view and her feelings. I may hear something totally new, something that may shock me, or something that will give me one of those “aha” moments. But in any case I can learn from the things she tells me.

What happens when she finishes talking? Again, I don’t make excuses or contradict her. My job now is to think about what she has said. If I have really listened to her, not just daydreamed while she was talking, I can put a plan together to resolve her issues to her satisfaction.

What would be the benefits to doing this? Probably better communication and a better relationship. At the same time it will improve our relationship with our son. And if we can get this down, we can teach him how to communicate better himself without all of his explosions and destructive behavior.

The bottom line is am I going to do this task? Yes I am even though it still really bothers me but “I can learn a lot from things that I don’t want to hear”.

You or your child has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, depression, anxiety, oppositional defiance disorder (odd), bi-polar disorder, or another behavioral disorder. What do you do? You read all of the medical books about the subject. You or your children take the medications the doctor prescribes, and you practice the exercises given to you by therapists. Or perhaps a hospital stay is in order. Some people look at alternative ways to address their particular problem. They may diet, or take herbal supplements, or even practice yoga. The bottom line is these are all ways to help you improve your situation and make you appear “normal”!

But what if, biologically, you were designed for a different purpose and these disorders are manifestations preventing you from following this purpose?

Then along comes a book called The DaVinci Method to explain what that purpose may be. The subtitle of the book is “Break Out & Express Your Fire. Discover & Master the Fiery Temperament Shared by Great Leaders, Artists, Entrepreneurs & AD/HD-ers”. It was written by Garret LoPorto who is himself an entrepreneur, CEO, inventor, presenter at MIT, and an “AD/HD-er”.

His premise is that 10 percent of the population is made up of DaVinci types. A description of a DaVinci is someone who is impulsive, is a risk taker, is easily distractible, and is insightful or intuitive. A DaVinci also craves risk and excitement, has an addictive personality, rebels against authority, and thinks differently.

Does this describe someone you know?

Thousands of years ago humans lived in hunter-gatherer groups. The hunters were risk taking intuitives who provided the group with meat. The gatherers, who later evolved into farmers, worked hard but didn’t need to take risks so developed more complacent demeanors. Since they were in the majority these became what is now “normal”.

The hunters are out of place in today’s society. As they try to fit in, they attempt to suppress their personalities. As a result they develop what used to be known as “neurotic tendencies” and more recently given labels such as ADHD, ODD, or Bi-Polar Disorder.

LoPorto writes about what we can do if we have these disorders because it is not all doom and gloom. Jane Pauley is highly successful despite her Bi-Polar Disorder. Richard Branson has created his Virgin Airways and Virgin Records empire even though he is ADHD. And where does DaVinci come into this? He appears to be the first known person with ADHD. He was an explosive man who did not like to finish the things he started; he was a renaissance man who was an artist and scientist.

You might be saying “Well, that’s all well and good. Sounds nice, makes my diagnosis look better. But is there any scientific proof to all of this?”

LoPorto spends sometime discussing a gene called the DRD4-exon III which has been determined to be related to Novelty seeking personality traits. This same gene has also been associated with ADHD. People that have this gene tend to be policemen, fireman, warriors, and generals. This section was a little dry for me but gave me background into the rest of the book that describes ways to develop this gift and look past our struggle to be “normal”.

He also has a website known as The Davinci Nation that brings together people that recognize that they need to “express their fire”. Here they watch videos, read articles, and discuss with each other the progress they are making in breaking free of conformity.

Alright if I am a DaVinci type why are doctors trying to prescribe all of these medications for me? Well guess what, society wants everyone to be “normal”, follow the leaders, and not cause any trouble. It has no place for people who are “out of the box” thinkers, who take risks, and are impulsive. Some of us still succeed like Jane Pauley and Richard Branson but others in their attempts to suppress their personalities develop disorders that can be disruptive either to ourselves or society as a whole.

If you have a disorder such as ADHD, Bi-Polar Disorder, or ODD read the book, judge it for yourself, and then “break out and express your fire” too!

Max came home from his first trip to the hospital at the beginning of January.  Sadly, it seemed like we had brought a different child home.  Our happy-go-lucky 6 year old kid was now quiet, withdrawn, and anxious.  But it didn’t stay like this.  The anger that he showed before Christmas that resulted in several suspensions started to become more pronounced.  Unhappiness also began to emerge.  He seemed to spiral downward.

Looking back at it now there are things that we could have put in place to help him.  At the time we were into the first three months of these behaviors and we were stunned and didn’t handle things too well.  Other people continued to recommend spankings or more medication.  One person suggested he’d take my son away for a week and Sam would come back a changed boy.  He didn’t elaborate on what he would do in that week.

I went away at the beginning of February for two days.  By the time I came back the situation had gotten out of control.  The violence had become extreme.

We had to take him to the emergency room one day after he tried to hurt himself.  He became hysterical while we were there.  When the nurses tried to medicate him it was the final blow and he went wild.  As a result they locked him in a room expecting him to calm down.  But that didn’t happen.  My wife and I joined him to prevent him from smashing his head and body against the walls.  When he turned on us a security guard stayed in the room with us.

Later despite our protests they injected morphine into his inner thigh.  I had to hold him down while the nurses took care of the shot.  Late at night he and my wife finally fell asleep on a mattress on the floor.  I went home to collect changes of clothes, food, and toiletries.

What was the emergency room doing during this time?  Looking for a bed in a psychiatric hospital.  They first tried the place Max was in originally.  There was nothing available so they branched out, calling other hospitals in the state.  It took 36 hours for them to find a place for Max.  The whole time we were locked away.

An ambulance arrived to pick him up.  Psychiatric wards and hospitals don’t generally take walk-ins; you have to be transported by an ambulance.  Max and his mother settled in for the hour trip.  Max was calm now, I assume from exhaustion and morphine (though it had been about 20 hours since he had been given the injection).  I followed behind in my car thoughts running through my head about what a terrible dad I was for putting my boy through all of this.

It didn’t help that the emergency room psychiatrist working with Max told me to “suck it up and be a man” when I mentioned I thought Max would have a nervous breakdown when he discovered he was going back into the hospital.

We were admitted to the hospital but as we discovered from our first hospital visit our insurance didn’t cover any of this.  Not to worry Massachusetts has a health plan for kids who aren’t covered by other insurance.  The hospital helped us put the paperwork together and applied for us.  Max was covered within a week.

This wasn’t the only good thing about this hospital.  It turned out to be a “breath of fresh air” after the horrendous experience in the first one.

Max wasn’t thrilled about staying but he was a little more comfortable when he discovered that there were a dozen kids his age.  There were no older children.  He also had a roommate he liked.  The staff was wonderful and totally involved with the kids.  There was daily classroom instruction and they were very protective of the children.  We got to know the whole staff not just the ones that were assigned to Max.  They constantly gave us progress updates and we saw the doctors on a daily basis.

Even though visiting hours were from 6 pm to 8 pm they were very flexible. Max got to call us as often as he wanted but there was so much to do it wasn’t nearly as often as the first hospital.

What I found interesting and nice was the book the staff supplied us with included profiles, pictures, and phone numbers for everyone including the doctors.  It also contained any information that we needed about the hospital.

Did I mention that everything was clean?  Everyone took as much responsibility for the ward’s appearance as they did for the children.  It felt relatively good being there.  Home is better of course!

And the ward kept the parents involved.  We meet with the other parents once a week and talked about home life and got suggestions from the hospital on how we could change the structure here.  There were even sessions where the parents, kids, and staff got together and played games.

It turns out that some parents look at this as a place to dump their kids so they can take off on vacation.  Max’s roommate hadn’t seen his parents once since he got there.  He had been there before my son had arrived and was still there when Max left.  We visited my son at least once a day for 3 hours for the 15 days he was there.

Max was a little happier here but of course he wanted to come home.  And we wanted him home too!  He still clung to us and cried when we left at night but not as vigorously as before.  But he collected every little bit of trash he could find.  His hospital drawer was filled with elastics, broken toys, lint, and even the dose cups he got twice a day for his meds.

When he was released we didn’t go right home, we went to his favorite restaurant to celebrate.

Ever since we got home we have been working on procedures to help him.  We have a lot of retraining to do for both him and us even now over a year later.  In another post I’ll talk about them but for now he’s home and we are working to keep him from ever going back!

As a result of his stay we got a new med change that was much better than the last.  As far as diagnoses are concerned he still has pdd/nos, adhd, and sensory issues but three more have been added to the list: bipolar disorder, odd, and ocd.  Where will it end?