Posts tagged ‘Parents’

“On your way out will you buy my Dad some chewing tobacco?”

Whenever my wife asks me that it send chills down my spine.

I don’t like doing it.

I don’t want to do it.

She doesn’t understand. She thinks it is because I have to go out of my way to do it.

This isn’t the case. I do a lot for her parents. For example, I’m scheduled to take them both to the doctor next Tuesday. This is certainly out of my way but I do it because they are part of my family. It is also something they need and cannot do for themselves.

It goes deeper than that with the chewing tobacco.

My father-in-law has been chewing for over 70 years. It is a normal part of his life. It can be expensive. He goes through a bag every two days; at seven dollars apiece this can be a very expensive habit especially for someone who receives very little in social security and has no savings.

Whenever I mention the expense to my mother-in-law her response is always the same. It is his only pleasure in life so she doesn’t want to deprive him of it. As a result she lives without things that she needs just so he can be happy.

But this isn’t all of it.

You see, my Dad was a smoker. He would go through two packs a day. After 38 years of smoking he was diagnosed with throat cancer. He had to go through radiation to try to cure it. The first thing they did was embed gold nuggets into his throat as a reference point for the radiation.

The program he went through caused him to lose all of his hair and I watched him go from a strong, robust man to a frail oldster. He was 54. He took to wearing wigs and his teeth started falling out. I remember one day when he said “Watch this” and just pulled a tooth out. It came root and all. He then pushed it back in.

During this time his doctor told him for the treatment to be effective he had to stop smoking. And he tried to. He would go for days without a cigarette but the addiction kept bringing him back. In fact he would ask me to buy him some. I didn’t want to do it but I went for him. And he would always say “I have lived a long life, I don’t want to forego my pleasures.”

Sound familiar?

Fast forward 5 years. He is still smoking but it appeared that his cancer had been cured. That is, until the doctor announced that it had come back and had spread through the rest of his body. They started him on chemotherapy and I watched him deteriorate rapidly.

During that time I got sick. I’m convinced it was walking pneumonia. I coughed constantly. But like a true guy I didn’t bother to see a doctor. I had been looking for a house and I didn’t want to take the time. I remember that I finally found one and I was in the process of signing papers. My Dad went with me to the realtor’s office because he was cosigning for me. I was still coughing constantly.

Inside of a month he wasn’t functioning anymore. He was on oxygen and had to be helped with everything he did. On the last day at home he couldn’t talk and wasn’t even aware of his surrounding. My brother and I took him to the hospital where he died several days later.

He died surrounded by his family except me; I was at work. I left at noon to be with him. I rode the elevator up to his floor only to find them at the door waiting to leave. It was done.

His death certificate says he died of pneumonia.

I have never gotten over the fact that I supplied him with his cigarettes at the end and that I may have given him the pneumonia that killed him. He was my Dad and I idolized him and this is how I repaid him.

Now my wife asks me to buy her Dad chewing tobacco. True, he is in his 80s but I don’t want to be the one to contribute to his death.

But we aren’t supposed to deprive him of his “one pleasure in life”.

Have you ever heard the phrase “The Honeymoon Period”?

A honeymoon is a trip or holiday that is taken by a couple that has just gotten married. The honeymoon period is the early harmonious time in their relationship.

The phrase can also be applied to other situations such as the first few months of a newly elected president. People generally give their new officials a lot of freedom in that period; then assess their performances at the end of that time. Then, as is often the case, discord results as it becomes apparent that their leaders cannot live up to expectations.

But it can also refer to changes in family life. Recently I have written several posts about the new House Rules we have been implementing in our home. My son Max was not thrilled initially with them; especially when they were posted on our living room wall.

But then he conformed to them. They went up on Monday. He was great Monday and all of Tuesday. Some of the rules required the loss of some of his allowance for infractions. He was okay with that. In fact if he thought we were too lenient he would take more money out himself.

But then Wednesday morning the “you know what” hit the fan. He woke up angry and attacked anyone and anything in his path. Before the school van arrived at 7:15 a.m. he had lost his whole allowance for this week from all of the hitting, swearing, screaming, and throwing things. The only thing that finally settled him down was the required time out. Because of all the problems it lasted twenty minutes. He also lost his current most favorite toy for the day.

Not only was that unexpected for him but the bigger shock was when next week’s allowance chart was posted and he started losing money from that as well. He has informed us that he will not follow the rules anymore. He blames them for the increased number of tantrums he has been having. And you know, he is probably right. He doesn’t like the idea of losing his freedom no matter how unhappy it makes him.

The “honeymoon period” is over. Monday and Tuesday he was testing the waters. On Wednesday was the beginning of the resistance. According to our counselors if we stick to it these problems should all be over in a week. I hesitate to mention it but it takes three to four weeks to break habits, no matter how bad they are.

At the same time we have to remember that Max has been diagnosed with:

• Bipolar Disorder – with the accompanying rages and explosive temper tantrums, and oppositional and aggressive behaviors.

• ADHD – including interruptions and intrusions on others; and not appearing to listen.

These issues may make it harder in the near term to enforce the rules.

So Wednesday was day one of the resistance. He battled us constantly. My wife and I were strong and consistently enforced the consequences.

By Friday morning Max had started to conform again; he has only lost twenty cents since Wednesday night. But he was unhappy. He has finally realized he is really losing money from his allowance. He has been telling us that it is too hard to follow the rules. We asked him why:

• Swearing is too much of a habit; he doesn’t know how to stop. We responded that he never swears in school. Not only that he has already been doing it less at home since we instituted the rules.

• He doesn’t understand the yelling and whining rule. I assume it is based on the fact that his parents still do it a little bit and he sees that.

• There are other rules he doesn’t get. These are obvious ones like disobeying and threatening. We think these are really delaying tactics. They are pretty straight forward.

Even though he has the disorders which may make the rules harder to enforce; just the fact that he is a child who hasn’t had a consistent set of rules will cause him to fight back.

At the same time, this is only the start. The rules were only defined on Monday; this is only Friday. He will learn them and he will eventually conform to them.

As long as we stay consistent.

In my first post on house rules I mentioned five problems my son Max has that we have to resolve:

• He isn’t clear on the rules.

• He isn’t clear on the consequences.

• In school he has a defined set of rules and consequences but at home there is nothing.

• His parents are not always together on what his consequences should be.

• His parents haven’t been modeling the required behaviors.

In the following post on house rules I addressed the first four issues. But what about issue number five?

What does it mean to “model behavior”?

First of all, children imitate the adults around them. This is an excellent way of learning. A child wants to know how to open a door. She cannot figure out how to do it herself so she watches those that can do it. She takes note of how they grasp the knob; turn it; then pull it open. With a little practice she will be able to do it herself.

It is the same thing with bad habits. If a child notices that his parents are constantly swearing they will do it as well. It doesn’t matter that he has been told that swearing is wrong he has seen it in action so he will continue to do it. Not only that he might become very confused. He will wonder why his parents are telling him that it is bad to swear; it must really be okay because they are doing it.

We set up several rules for Max including:

• No swearing

• No hitting or kicking

• No yelling, whining, or screaming

• No disobeying parents

• Ask politely for things

It is our job to model the behaviors we want our son to use. This means when we are angry we have to talk calmly and assertively. If we want Max to do something we must respect him by asking him politely. If he disobeys we don’t hit or kick him.

How are we doing? Swearing is kept to a minimum; every once in a while you will hear an expletive in the house. We yell if things aren’t working properly and sometimes we are rude in asking for things.

Max listens and hears all of this. And because he is learning from us he is repeating them, and he practices these actions. But as you can see from our house rules these aren’t the behaviors we want. For him it’s “you are doing it, why can’t I?”

It is our job to show him the best behaviors; we can’t just tell him. That means we have to stop the yelling, swearing, and rudeness. We have to be good role models.

We want Max to grow to become a good, responsible adult. It is our responsibility, just like with all parents, to “up our game”. That is, be the best role models we can be. No matter where we are at today we can always find something to improve upon.

If we don’t suit our actions to our words then our children will not become the kind of adults we want them to be.

Recently I wrote about raising my 9 year old son Max and the fact that there were no consistent rules in our house. My wife and I had been at our wits end trying to figure out how we were going to raise this kid right.

We read a lot of books and listened to parents, educators, and counselors. We tried implementing all of the suggestions but nothing seemed to work.

Recently we started working with both a family and a parent counselor. The first comes a couple of times a month, generally on Saturdays, so that Max will be involved in the session. The second comes every week in the morning to work with just my wife and me.

Several weeks ago they both asked us the same questions independently:

What are our house rules?

So we rattled off several things: no hitting, no swearing, and no yelling, among other things.

What are the consequences if the rules are broken?

We gave some answers like “he gets a time out if he does A” but then sometimes “we take a toy away” and “we have been known to take away a privilege or a special outing.”

Where are the rules and consequences posted?

Umm, nowhere.

Does Max know the rules and consequences?

He knows the rules; we tell him all the time. And, well, he has experienced the consequences so he knows something will happen if he does anything wrong.

Both counselors shook their heads. They suggested it might be best if we had a joint session with both counselors to come up with some rules. We agreed.

Hooray, finally we are going to find out what we can do about House Rules!

We all joined together last week and hammered out a list of rules. These are some of them:

• No swearing

• No hitting or kicking

• No yelling, whining, or screaming

• No disobeying parents

• Ask politely for things

You get the idea. We have several more but these will do for examples.

We didn’t come up with consequences on that day but one thing was suggested. We had recently started giving Max an allowance. With it he could follow his passion with buying as many things as he could or put it in the bank. But that’s another story. In this case the idea was brought up that for some of the consequences he could lose some of his money. That was something to think about because our consequences weren’t working.

We scheduled a second group meeting for this passed Monday. This time it was going to be after school so Max could contribute to the discussion.

When the day came both counselors arrived and sat down in the living room. Max was dropped off from school, came in the house, and asked the usual question: “Who’s coming today.”

When we told him he was disappointed. We were surprised because he likes both people and generally has fun with them. On this day, we think that with both parents and both counselors present he may have felt intimidated. He adamantly refused to join in the meeting.

“But Max, this is about setting house rules. Last week you were excited when we told you this was happening.”

“Yeah, well, not today.”

We told him that we were going to do it anyway with or without his contributions. He shrugged and told us that we had better make tougher rules for the parents otherwise he won’t follow any of his.

So we got down to business. We pulled out a large cardboard sheet and in one column wrote out our list of rules. While we were doing this we could hear Max muttering and swearing in the other room; he wanted one of us to play. He even went so far as to disrupt the discussions several times.

The counselors just shrugged and smiled. Their response was that he didn’t like what we were doing and didn’t want it to happen. We persevered. Once we were done listing the rules we started on the consequences for each:

• Loses five cents for each swear.

• Five minute time out and a loss of privileges for hitting and kicking.

• For yelling, whining, or screaming Max will first get a warning. Then he will lose five cents each time he does it.

• The first time he disobeys he will get a warning. After that he will lose twenty-five cent for each incident.

• If he doesn’t ask politely he won’t get what he asked for.

When we were done we called Max in to see our results. He started to read the board and then complained it was all about him and there was nothing about the parents. We reassured him that we would have to follow the same rules.

But he wasn’t happy and he tried to tear the sheet down the middle. We stopped him and taped it up on the living room wall so that we would all be able to see it.

At the same time we attached a weekly sheet of pictures of one hundred nickels. For each transgression nickels would be crossed off. Whatever was left at the end of the week would be what he gets for allowance.

Max asked a very smart question: “What if I do so many bad things that I go over the amount of money I get?”

We told him that it would then carry over into the following week.

The counselors think that it will only take a week before Max starts following the rules. That would be nice and we will be waiting with bated breath.

Twenty four hours later we have only heard two swears coming out of his mouth. Amazing! There has been very little screaming or whining. Awesome!

So far we have only crossed out a half a dozen nickels but we have noticed that he has been punishing himself too. He personally has scratched out another forty. He says it is because he deserved it. Seems like he doesn’t think our consequences were powerful enough.

Another interesting reaction was that when he realized each swear was worth five cents but disobeying would cost him twenty-five cents. His eyes widened; his mouth opened in a circle; and he clapped his hand over it.

Do I think this is it? Is he now going to follow all the rules?

I find it hard to believe that it would happen this quickly. I think that he will probably start testing us to see what he can get away with. It may get worse before it gets better. As long as my wife and I keep a united front it should eventually work.

As the counselors were leaving after the meeting my wife said “If we had realized it was so easy to set up these rules we would have done this a long time ago.”

But they told us that most parents know how to do it but they don’t realize it; they, and we, need to be shown the first time.

This takes care of four of Max’s five problems mentioned in the last post. I’ll talk about the fifth one, modeling behaviors for him, in my next one.

My son Max and I don’t have a lot of good Father and Son moments. Usually one of us gets angry and then we end up not speaking to each other for awhile. This generally happens when someone imagines that the other is doing something inappropriate.

Because of that I like to celebrate the few times that things go fantastically well when we are out together. Recently we had such a moment.

On Monday Max came to me and he said “Dad, can we go to the aquarium this week?” He was speaking about the New England Aquarium in Boston. I asked him when he would like to do it and he told me Wednesday. This would work because he has a half day at school every Wednesday. I told him I would think about it.

I talked it over later with his Mom and she brought up a good point. Max rarely asks us to take him to places like this. Usually we will suggest something and he will respond enthusiastically. That’s not to say he won’t ask to go places but it is generally to a store, fast food restaurant, or friend’s house. He almost never asks to go somewhere exciting.

We decided it would be a perfect thing to do so I jumped online to buy tickets. We have found from experience that we can buy them once we get there but on a good day it can take an hour or more just to get up to the ticket booth.

On the big day I drove to his school and met him at noon coming out of the door. From there we drove to the subway station; he loves riding the trains. Once we were seated in the car I mentioned that we had two options:

• Change trains and take the second right to the door of the aquarium

• or get off the train at Government Center and walk fifteen minutes through Faneuil Hall to get there.

He opted for the second route but when we got off the train at our stop we found ourselves on a narrow street surrounded by quite a few tall buildings. I turned to a street vendor and asked him how to get to the hall. He smiled and said “Very easy.”

He led me to a spot in the sidewalk, “Do you see these two lines? Follow them; they will take you right there.” I was surprised but as I directed Max to lead us it dawned on me what we were on. It is known as the Freedom Trail. It is actually a line of bricks bordered by stones and set flush into sidewalks and pavements. If you follow the trail it will bring you to 16 historical Revolutionary sites in Boston.

My son was very enthusiastic about taking us to the hall and we followed it through twisting streets and around corners until we came into the Quincy Marketplace which is part of the Faneuil Hall complex. From there it was a just a short walk over to the bay and up the aquarium concourse.

Since it was now 1 o’clock we decided to have lunch before starting the tour so we headed up to the restaurant on the second floor. This was marvelous my son was not balking at having something to eat. After a hot dog for him and a burger for me we went in to see the fish tanks.

One thing about Max: he is a speed viewer. That is, no matter whether we are visiting a museum, zoo, or aquarium he cannot stop in one place to see the exhibits. Because of his ADHD he will end up walking fairly quickly past each one with barely a glance. Interestingly enough he can tell you all about it in every detail later on. He doesn’t miss a thing.

Today was different. When we walked in the door the first thing we saw was the large penguin area. It is divided up into 4 quadrants; each holding a different type. Instead of moving passed them he went up to the nearest group and leaned over the balcony to stare down at the birds.

For a half an hour he stayed in this one spot watching them preen themselves, swim, and talk to each other. He was utterly fascinated. He even laughed when someone shone a flashlight with a fish-shaped beam into the water. The penguins dove at the light trying to capture a “meal”.

Once he was done he took the ramp to the top of the main fish tank. If you haven’t been there, the aquarium has a four story cylindrical tank in the center of the building full of different types of fish. It stands in the middle of the penguin pen and the ramp spirals around it to the top. It is also made of thick clear glass so as visitors climb they can see different levels of fish from those that live at the bottom of the ocean all the way to the ones that swim near the surface.

Today we noticed that the large shark seemed to be pacing us as we headed upwards. He stayed at our level the higher we went and Max loved it. But when we neared the top he disappeared.

At the peak the tank is open and surrounded by a balcony where visitors hang over and see the fish and giant sting rays. No viewing would be complete however without…Max excitedly pointed down to the aquarium’s mascot: Myrtle the Turtle. She is a large green sea turtle over 70 years old.

When we tired of touring the exhibits Max decided he wanted to walk back the way we came to the subway and stop to check out Faneuil Hall. As we walked down the concourse it started to rain so Max changed his mind; he wanted to just get on the train at the aquarium stop instead. Good thing, literally as we stepped through the station doors there was a huge boom of thunder and a lightening bolt overhead. We were glad he made that decision.

Once we got back to the car and headed home we stopped for dinner at our favorite restaurant. He was off to bed once we got back to the house.

As you can see it was a very nice outing. There were no hyper moments. There were no tantrums from either one of us. There were no disagreements about what was going on. We both seemed to be totally in tune with each other.

It is at times like these that I really love a good dad and son day!

It’s that time of year again.  The circus is in town.  My wife, son, and I have fun going every year.  We have a small one that comes and sets up on a local field.  The tent goes up and inside is a one ring staging area.  Stadium seats circle it and fans get to see 15 to 20 different acts including high wire and clowns.

Even though there are so many things to see there is only a small amount of performers.  Each will do several different jobs.  When we went last night we noticed one girl who, among other things, spun hula hoops, road the elephants, did a hire wire act, belly danced with camels, and sold hot dogs.  Whew!  Makes me tired just thinking about it.

Most of the show was a good time but one thing marred it.  There were vendors moving through the crowd selling anything from popcorn to balloons to coloring books.  Outside the tent there were plastic swords and hula hoops and just about any other junk you can think of for sale.

Not too long ago I wrote a post about my son Max’s addiction to buying.  He has never seen a piece of junk that he didn’t want to spend his hard earned dollars on.

My wife and I came up with a plan to try and combat this.  It has two parts to it:

1. We instituted a buying moratorium for the month of May.  None of us would buy anything except food for 30 days.  We hoped that by saving our money Max would learn that he doesn’t need to purchase things to satisfy himself.

2. We started Max on an allowance.  The goal here is to teach him the value of money and how to use it.  Perhaps he will start enjoying saving some of it and see it grow.

The first part of our plan worked out pretty well.  At the beginning of the month he would complain loudly when we would remind him about the freeze on buying.

“But just this one thing.  I need it so badly,” he would wail, “I’ll stop buying after just this one!”

We didn’t cave in.  As time went on we noticed that his requests became less and less.  When we had to say said “No” he stopped complaining as much.
Part 2 has been a little tougher.  He was excited; now, like his friends, he was getting an allowance.  Half of it he gets for, as he puts it, “just because I’m Max”.  To get the rest of it he has to do 5 chores each week and he has been loving it.  Some days he has been cleaning out the kitty litter.  On others he has been making his bed.  On Tuesdays he helps Dad put out the trash.

Saving money has not come easy for him.  He still wants to spend it the minute he gets it.  Lately though he has been starting to notice that when he buys junk he doesn’t have any money left over for something he really wants.

And then the circus came to town.

Even though we were sitting high up in the bleachers it didn’t stop the vendors from working their way over to us constantly.  He went through his money fairly quickly but then he turned to us.   So we got a steady stream of “I want, I want, I want.”

We didn’t mind if he asked for peanuts or hot dogs.  We are always trying to get this kid to eat.  And this is our rule anyway.  We will buy real food if he is hungry but not candy or junk.

But he was getting more and more upset and escalated because we wouldn’t buy any of the toys or balloons.  When he begged for a circus coloring book we still said “No”.  Some parents have asked us why.  They believe there is a lot that can be learned in some of them.  But you know what?  Max doesn’t like to color.  Once that book got home it would spend its life in a corner.  He would never even know what the first page looks like.

So as you can guess all the work we put in over the last couple of months were lost when Max was presented with all of these goodies.  Once I actually took him outside to speak to him because he was getting so angry.  When he realized he was about to lose the rest of the circus he quieted down somewhat and just watched the show.

This was just a minor setback.  It was bound to happen.  As the cliche says, “Today is a new day”.  So now we can continue to teach Max what he needs to know about handling money.

And at 6:30 this morning my son and I went out for a run.  Our route passed the circus field.  Max turned to me in surprise.
“How can the circus be gone already?”  The field was completely empty.

“Because after the last show last night the performers and crew worked straight through packing everything away.  They had to move on to their next show.”
I then asked him, “Max, what was your favorite part of the show?”

“The girls.  My favorite was the girl on the trapeze.”

Hmm, we’ve gone from money to girls and he is only 9 years old.  I can see that there are more things I’m going to have to teach him.

Thursday was too hot and humid for me. It was in the 90s with high humidity. This might be okay for the rest of the country but it is way too hot for New England.

On days like this I just swelter. I have multiple sclerosis. One of the symptoms is a problem with heat. On the one hand it can take a lot out of me but on the other I love hot showers and baths. I can stay in them for hours at a time. I’ve been known to fall asleep in the tub.

I also get cranky and have a difficult time listening to people without getting escalated.

My post is not about multiple sclerosis today however. It isn’t even about the heat. It is about what happened on Thursday.

These are the days that I have scheduled for doing handyman work for several of my clients. On that day I had to paint the inside of a woman’s porch. At the same time Max is home from school this week. He gets four days off between regular school and his summer program.

I decided to take him with me while I worked. I always remember the times my Dad used to take me to work with him. Since he had several jobs I could go with him after school and on weekends. We were together a lot and these were the best times!

I don’t have the opportunity to take Max with me because most of my work is at home. On the days I am doing pca or handyman work he is in school. But since he had a day off he came with me.

It is not the first time he has painted; he once helped me paint this woman’s back porch. He did a good job so I wasn’t too worried

On this day we were tackling the ceiling and the posts around the screens. The first thing I did was to start him on the bottom of one of the screens while I started prepping the ceiling.

I explained to him exactly what he needed to do and what to watch for. I also told him to take his time and be careful about getting paint on the floor. I had newspaper laid down and up against the boards so I assumed it would be okay. I mentioned that it should take more than five minutes to get it down. He generally likes to speed through any project he is working on.

I then started on the ceiling while keeping an eye on him.

Dads will agree with me that it is so nice to watch their sons tackle jobs like this. Not only do they learn skills to use when they get older but also when that day comes Dad will be able to just sit back and watch.

So that side of me was primed. But the other side of me was still very cranky. He proceeded to ignore my directions and do things his way. These included getting paint on the floor; arguing with me; getting disrespectful; and being disconnected. It seemed like his ADHD was in full swing.

The board he was painting took a half an hour but he only had the paint brush in his hand for four minutes. The rest of them he was doing the other things I mentioned.

As a result I wasn’t very respectful to him. I kept speaking to him sternly. He finally decided that he didn’t want to paint anymore. Another “DUH” moment! After being badgered so much he didn’t feel confident enough to continue painting.

My client ended up giving him some other chores to do but by this time he wasn’t very happy. He would start them and then give up.

I thought about it and realized Dad was doing well that day (please read sarcasm here). I brought him back to the porch and suggested he get up and use the roller to help me paint the ceiling. This was just what he had been waiting for all day and he spent quite a bit of time up there.

He was doing a decent job but Dad still couldn’t keep from snapping at him so he soon gave up.

After the job was finished we headed home. I thought about everything that happed as I drove along. As we pulled into the driveway I told Max he had one more task to do. I directed him to come to the driver’s side door. When he did I pulled him in and hugged him. I kissed him on top of his head and told him I loved him.

His response was a very gratified smile. After that he seemed to have forgotten what a tough day it had been. He couldn’t wait to get inside the house to tell Mom about the grand day he had painting the ceiling.

Whatever the reason for my crankiness; I don’t care if it was the heat, my multiple sclerosis, or Max’s ADHD that caused it. Here was a great father and son project that I couldn’t recognize. Hopefully I haven’t turned him off of painting after the day he had.

I have to start seeing when we are in father and son moments and work with that. I’m hoping that my hug and kiss was enough to get passed our tribulations that day.

And here’s to many more moments where I can pass on knowledge. Hopefully I can relax and just enjoy those times.

Max breezed through his homework this morning. This is pretty typical. I’ve mentioned before how early morning is the best time for him to get it done.

How does your child do his homework?

Experts say some of the best ways for children to do their homework is to:

• Find a quiet place where they won’t be distracted. As we all know, children can get sidetracked very easily.

• Turn off the television. Similar to the previous statement, they will end up watching instead of doing.

• Make sure they have everything they need including paper, pencils, and books. Maybe even a cold drink if they tend to wander into the kitchen over and over again because they are thirsty.

• Be available for help if your child needs it.

Here are some other suggestions to motivate your child to do her homework.

How does Max do his homework?

My son has a set plan. He gets up in the morning, eats, showers, and gets dressed. After that he sits on the couch in the living room and does his work. The television is off and there is no music so it is very quiet.

In the meantime I am in the kitchen washing leftover dishes from the night before and setting up for breakfast and the rest of the morning.

At the same time my wife is in the basement doing laundry. She also feeds and cleans up after the cats. Then she makes sure Max’s backpack is ready for school.

We have been lucky so far. Max loves school and can’t wait to get there every morning. He also loves to learn so we don’t have to bribe or threaten him to get his homework done.

But he likes to do it quickly. From the time he sits down until he is finished it might take him 20 minutes.

If he has any questions he calls my wife in. She walks him through the problem he is having and allows him to come up with the correct answer. I think she would make a great teacher but her disabilities have kept her from pursuing this as a career.

When he is done he brings all of his homework to his Mother for review. If she finds any mistakes she will again help him figure out how to correct them.

But sometimes, like this morning, in his haste his work will be unreadable. In instances like this he will have to copy over his homework so that his teachers will be able to read it.

And don’t get me wrong, it is not always easy. Sometimes if Max finds that he has made a mistake on something he thought was perfect the meltdown starts. Usually we can circumvent it but when we can’t a timeout will result.

Generally it is completed without a fuss. It gets stored in his backpack. He is now ready and waiting to be picked up.

So, how do your kids do their homework? Do they have a structure set up? Do you use any other methods to make sure it gets done?

I have written several posts on how “it takes a village to raise a child”. Too many parents assume they have all the answers when it comes to bringing up their own. Others admit that they aren’t confident that they really know what to do. Still others just try to “wing it”; live day by day and hope their choices are the right ones. And all are stunned if their children grow up badly stunted morally and ethically.

I am a firm believer that people shouldn’t do it alone. Talk to other parents, search for information online, and read constantly. I have even suggested parenting books to help in the process.

Larry Winget, in his book “Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible, Productive Adults”, states that every parent should have a plan. Know exactly how you are going to raise your kids. If you follow a step by step process and keep the end in mind you will raise a responsible adult.

This made me think and I started by asking myself some hard questions:

What kind of man do I want Max to become?

He must be:

• Honest

• Forthright

• A good provider

• A good family man

• Even tempered

• A hard worker

• Respected

He must understand and practice:

• truth

• honor

• loyalty

• commitment

He should also enjoy life and enjoy his family.

What will Max need to know to be that man?

Because he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome he needs to understand that he may have to be on some type of medication as an adult. He will also need to know the tools to circumvent the symptoms of each of these.

Like other children he will have to learn the tools to:

• control his temper

• control his language

• interact productively with other people

• be respectful

Have I taught him anything yet that will get Max there?

This is a hard question for me. I know he has learned a lot but in his frustration he forgets.

But he does know how to protect his Mom from threats. He knows how to treat her with respect because I have seen him do it.

He understands respecting the truth but at 9 years old he has been testing the “lying” waters.

He works hard when he is in “production mode”.

What else will I need to teach Max?

I need to step up my modeling behaviors. Max needs to see how I:

• treat my wife well

• treat him well

• work harder and better

• take control of discipline, family life, and spirituality

• control frustration

• do my best

• enjoy life

I have to teach him morals and ethics.

I need to find and teach the tools that will help him succeed.

I have to teach him to implement what he has already learned from me. Right now he knows a lot. For example, he knows how to respect his mother. But until he learns and integrates the tools that control his anger and impulsivity he will continue to ignore what he knows.

Right now I have been relying on his teachers, mentor, play therapist, and advocate to teach him what he should know. This is okay. I believe “it takes a village…” but I need to be more proactive so that I know their plan and can make suggestions for improvement. I need to take more of the responsibility of raising him too.

For me this is a first draft. As I go along and as Max gets older I expect that I will be modifying both this lists and the way I train him.

Because, let’s face it, I want Max to succeed just like other parents want their children to be successful.

Max and I have been planning a great summer. We aren’t going to let it just happen. Or let other people tell us what we are going to do.

We are going to climb mountains. We will visit caves, hike, and go camping. We will go to baseball games and fish. And we’ll also do mundane stuff like wash the aluminum siding, paint, fix windows, and weed gardens.

And you know what? If people don’t want to join us they can just stay out of our way!

Where do these statements come from?

My wife, son, and I have always been on our own. Yes, we have siblings, and Max has grandparents. But you know what? None of them have ever offered to take my son overnight. Heck, the only time he has a play date with his cousins is if we call them to suggest it.

To be fair to the grandparents, they are elderly and are afraid of being responsible. Max has several disorders. He has ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s, ODD, and whatever else the doctors can label him with. And his tantrums can be horrendous.

Max’s cousins love him but their parents get nervous when he is around. They are much happier if my wife and I are present.

His friends have sleepovers with other friends but my son has only had two in his life. One was with his aunt and the other with a friend of his grandparents. Neither turned out very well.

So it has been just the three of us: Mom, Dad, and Son. We go to dinner with each other. We go away together. We do other fun things together but basically it is all of us, or Max and me.

My mother made the comment recently that my wife and I cater to Max. I am not clear on what she means. It sounds like she thinks we spoil him. I don’t think so. We tend to be stricter than my siblings. Hey, we’re even tougher than my parents were.

We don’t give him more than the others. My brother takes his kids to Disneyworld every year. My sister takes hers to Cape Cod and Hawaii every year, too. But what else are we going to do?

Mom says we are doing our best to give him what he needs at our expense.

Because of Max’s issues we work closely with the Department of Mental Health (DMH). They not only suggest programs but sometimes they’ll even pay for outings. This is great but they’ve got it in their heads that we need respite.

Respite is when children are sent away for a night or a weekend so that the parents can get some rest and perhaps have a date. Parents of “normal” children get this all the time. They are able to send the kids to grandma’s house or to a friend’s house for a sleepover.

But for children like Max there are two options. They can be sent to a mental health hospital. Some of these provide respite care. Children can go for an afternoon after school, for overnights, or weekends leaving the parents free to do what they want for a short time.

A second option is to go to the home of a foster parent who specializes in respite care. Like the hospital, the children can stay for an afternoon, night, or weekend.

DMH and even our parent counselor have been really pressuring us to do this. But here’s the thing. We tried the hospital route. This did not work for several reasons. But the most important one:

• It reminded Max of the two long term stays he had already had in hospitals. Both were very traumatic for him. As a result he fought bitterly against being sent there. On two separate occasions he spent a day there and once actually stayed overnight. After the last time we refused to send him anymore it was causing him too much anxiety.

After that we tried weekend foster care. He loved the kids and we never called it respite. They were play dates. And we suggested having sleepovers there but he wasn’t interested. The problem, I think, is that he talked to the other children. They knew the real reasons they were there. He slowly became more and more resistant to going.

In both cases we noticed how unhappy he was. And, in fact, when he went it really wasn’t much respite for us because we worried about how he was going to be with them and how they would be with him. We knew that the hospital would restrain any of the kids that acted out. I know through personal experience this doesn’t help him.

And we always worried how things would go at the foster home.

I have different ideas about respite. I don’t like sending my son off to other people. I’ve never understood the boarding school concept. I don’t want to just see Max on holidays and vacations. I would rather do a thousand different things with him and give my wife any respite that she needs.

I think this comes from my Dad. When I was 7 years old I started working with him after school and on weekends. Quite often we would spend Friday and Saturday nights away. We did this for ten years. These were the most enjoyable times for me growing up. I admit in my teen years I wanted to be with my friends but I’d still go with him and have a great time. And hey, it wasn’t bad for my Mom either!!

I want to do the same things with Max. Granted I don’t have a job that takes me away nights and weekends but my son and I can still have fun day, and maybe even overnight, trips through the summer. This way my wife will get some respite. And honestly going to fun places with my boy will give me respite too!

I was talking to my counselor the other day and asked him if my Mom is right, am I catering to Max. He responded that yes I’m catering to him. And if done correctly these can be great father and son moments where I get to model good things.

He brought up the early morning walk we did recently.  He believes this is great modeling.

So that is my plan. Max and I are putting our summer schedule together. There are many mountains to climb; lots of caves to explore; baseball games to see; and camping trips. It’s going to be a great summer!