Posts tagged ‘Parents’

I have written several posts on how “it takes a village to raise a child”. Too many parents assume they have all the answers when it comes to bringing up their own. Others admit that they aren’t confident that they really know what to do. Still others just try to “wing it”; live day by day and hope their choices are the right ones. And all are stunned if their children grow up badly stunted morally and ethically.

I am a firm believer that people shouldn’t do it alone. Talk to other parents, search for information online, and read constantly. I have even suggested parenting books to help in the process.

Larry Winget, in his book “Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible, Productive Adults”, states that every parent should have a plan. Know exactly how you are going to raise your kids. If you follow a step by step process and keep the end in mind you will raise a responsible adult.

This made me think and I started by asking myself some hard questions:

What kind of man do I want Max to become?

He must be:

• Honest

• Forthright

• A good provider

• A good family man

• Even tempered

• A hard worker

• Respected

He must understand and practice:

• truth

• honor

• loyalty

• commitment

He should also enjoy life and enjoy his family.

What will Max need to know to be that man?

Because he has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome he needs to understand that he may have to be on some type of medication as an adult. He will also need to know the tools to circumvent the symptoms of each of these.

Like other children he will have to learn the tools to:

• control his temper

• control his language

• interact productively with other people

• be respectful

Have I taught him anything yet that will get Max there?

This is a hard question for me. I know he has learned a lot but in his frustration he forgets.

But he does know how to protect his Mom from threats. He knows how to treat her with respect because I have seen him do it.

He understands respecting the truth but at 9 years old he has been testing the “lying” waters.

He works hard when he is in “production mode”.

What else will I need to teach Max?

I need to step up my modeling behaviors. Max needs to see how I:

• treat my wife well

• treat him well

• work harder and better

• take control of discipline, family life, and spirituality

• control frustration

• do my best

• enjoy life

I have to teach him morals and ethics.

I need to find and teach the tools that will help him succeed.

I have to teach him to implement what he has already learned from me. Right now he knows a lot. For example, he knows how to respect his mother. But until he learns and integrates the tools that control his anger and impulsivity he will continue to ignore what he knows.

Right now I have been relying on his teachers, mentor, play therapist, and advocate to teach him what he should know. This is okay. I believe “it takes a village…” but I need to be more proactive so that I know their plan and can make suggestions for improvement. I need to take more of the responsibility of raising him too.

For me this is a first draft. As I go along and as Max gets older I expect that I will be modifying both this lists and the way I train him.

Because, let’s face it, I want Max to succeed just like other parents want their children to be successful.

Max and I have been planning a great summer. We aren’t going to let it just happen. Or let other people tell us what we are going to do.

We are going to climb mountains. We will visit caves, hike, and go camping. We will go to baseball games and fish. And we’ll also do mundane stuff like wash the aluminum siding, paint, fix windows, and weed gardens.

And you know what? If people don’t want to join us they can just stay out of our way!

Where do these statements come from?

My wife, son, and I have always been on our own. Yes, we have siblings, and Max has grandparents. But you know what? None of them have ever offered to take my son overnight. Heck, the only time he has a play date with his cousins is if we call them to suggest it.

To be fair to the grandparents, they are elderly and are afraid of being responsible. Max has several disorders. He has ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s, ODD, and whatever else the doctors can label him with. And his tantrums can be horrendous.

Max’s cousins love him but their parents get nervous when he is around. They are much happier if my wife and I are present.

His friends have sleepovers with other friends but my son has only had two in his life. One was with his aunt and the other with a friend of his grandparents. Neither turned out very well.

So it has been just the three of us: Mom, Dad, and Son. We go to dinner with each other. We go away together. We do other fun things together but basically it is all of us, or Max and me.

My mother made the comment recently that my wife and I cater to Max. I am not clear on what she means. It sounds like she thinks we spoil him. I don’t think so. We tend to be stricter than my siblings. Hey, we’re even tougher than my parents were.

We don’t give him more than the others. My brother takes his kids to Disneyworld every year. My sister takes hers to Cape Cod and Hawaii every year, too. But what else are we going to do?

Mom says we are doing our best to give him what he needs at our expense.

Because of Max’s issues we work closely with the Department of Mental Health (DMH). They not only suggest programs but sometimes they’ll even pay for outings. This is great but they’ve got it in their heads that we need respite.

Respite is when children are sent away for a night or a weekend so that the parents can get some rest and perhaps have a date. Parents of “normal” children get this all the time. They are able to send the kids to grandma’s house or to a friend’s house for a sleepover.

But for children like Max there are two options. They can be sent to a mental health hospital. Some of these provide respite care. Children can go for an afternoon after school, for overnights, or weekends leaving the parents free to do what they want for a short time.

A second option is to go to the home of a foster parent who specializes in respite care. Like the hospital, the children can stay for an afternoon, night, or weekend.

DMH and even our parent counselor have been really pressuring us to do this. But here’s the thing. We tried the hospital route. This did not work for several reasons. But the most important one:

• It reminded Max of the two long term stays he had already had in hospitals. Both were very traumatic for him. As a result he fought bitterly against being sent there. On two separate occasions he spent a day there and once actually stayed overnight. After the last time we refused to send him anymore it was causing him too much anxiety.

After that we tried weekend foster care. He loved the kids and we never called it respite. They were play dates. And we suggested having sleepovers there but he wasn’t interested. The problem, I think, is that he talked to the other children. They knew the real reasons they were there. He slowly became more and more resistant to going.

In both cases we noticed how unhappy he was. And, in fact, when he went it really wasn’t much respite for us because we worried about how he was going to be with them and how they would be with him. We knew that the hospital would restrain any of the kids that acted out. I know through personal experience this doesn’t help him.

And we always worried how things would go at the foster home.

I have different ideas about respite. I don’t like sending my son off to other people. I’ve never understood the boarding school concept. I don’t want to just see Max on holidays and vacations. I would rather do a thousand different things with him and give my wife any respite that she needs.

I think this comes from my Dad. When I was 7 years old I started working with him after school and on weekends. Quite often we would spend Friday and Saturday nights away. We did this for ten years. These were the most enjoyable times for me growing up. I admit in my teen years I wanted to be with my friends but I’d still go with him and have a great time. And hey, it wasn’t bad for my Mom either!!

I want to do the same things with Max. Granted I don’t have a job that takes me away nights and weekends but my son and I can still have fun day, and maybe even overnight, trips through the summer. This way my wife will get some respite. And honestly going to fun places with my boy will give me respite too!

I was talking to my counselor the other day and asked him if my Mom is right, am I catering to Max. He responded that yes I’m catering to him. And if done correctly these can be great father and son moments where I get to model good things.

He brought up the early morning walk we did recently.  He believes this is great modeling.

So that is my plan. Max and I are putting our summer schedule together. There are many mountains to climb; lots of caves to explore; baseball games to see; and camping trips. It’s going to be a great summer!

My son has two friends, a brother and sister. The boy is a year older than Max, who is 9. The girl is a year younger.

They are the greatest kids. Both really like to play with Max and truth be told I think the girl has a bit of a crush on him.

If they are around they will come over and play for hours. We never had to worry about them until the day that they were climbing a tree in back and the girl fell off. I heard the scream and ran out in my stocking feet to find her on the ground; tears streaming down her face.

I walked her home; I was still in my socks and she was still sobbing. I left the boys playing in the yard. I talked to her Mom who checked her out and found nothing wrong.

This was about a year ago and both still come over when they are available.

It is good for Max since he has a lot of anxieties. He finds it very difficult to go up to any friend’s door and ring the bell to find out if they are home. He always insists that either my wife or I walk him over and either stand close while he knocks; or knock ourselves.

For sometime I have been trying to get him to handle it himself without having a parent hovering. When I go with him I hang back at the end of the driveway or a house or two away and insist he handle it himself. When we go to the two sisters that live close to us I have told him that girls don’t like to see a boy’s parents around when he comes knocking at the door.

“But they aren’t my girlfriends!”

“Doesn’t matter.”

That hasn’t worked too well.

I’ve since discovered that he is not worried about ringing the doorbell. His problem is that he is afraid he is going to hear the word “No”.

“No, Billie is not at home.”

“No, Janie can’t come out right now. Maybe after dinner.”

“No, Jack is too tired.”

When this happens he will say good bye. But he holds himself together until he is out of sight and then he will run home crying.

Rejection is a tough thing for him.

Since I discovered this I am not so insistent that he be by himself. However, I have to find out how to help him through his rejection problem.

But back to the brother and sister; he has always had this same issue going to see them. At least with his other friends he will stay and play after sending us home. That is, he doesn’t need us there to watch him play. It is different at this house. If they can’t come home with us but want him to stay he insists that we stay with him.

I have told him I won’t hang around just to watch three kids play. If I don’t, he goes home leaving them watching him sadly from their driveway.

I never understood why until my wife discovered the reason. It is their parents. They seem very nice. I enjoy talking to them. Max’s problems arise after we are gone. Apparently when they are home during the day they always have a beer bottle in their hands. I don’t know if they drink enough to be called alcoholics though I haven’t seen any of it.

If that wasn’t enough if the girl does something inappropriate Mom calls her a “F*&^%*&^ B%^&$”. And she has no problem calling the boy an “A$$^#^&*”.

I don’t believe that they have said or done anything to Max but he feels very uncomfortable being there. My wife doesn’t think he is afraid that they will do the same to him; just that he is worried about the whole environment. His own parents don’t drink and they never swear at him. I don’t think he understands other parents doing that to their kids.

Every day there seems to be something new that opens my eyes to my son’s issues. It’s not always the children with disorders that have problems. Sometimes the ‘normal” kids have it rough too.

Have you seen any of the 3D movies that have been coming out lately? Because of the nature of the technology we are finding them to be a lot more expensive than regular movies. If you are like us you tend to forego the more expensive ones. But sometimes one appears that is worth the extra money.

Recently I, and several other people, received a message in our Facebook accounts about a new movie called “How To Train Your Dragon“.  I had seen previews and ads for it and it seemed like a decent animated movie but nothing that I would lose sleep over if I missed it.

The message, however, contradicted what I had been thinking. It was from a man that I trust wholeheartedly. He had taken his young son to the 3D version and he raved about it! He said it is an excellent father and son movie. He and his son had a blast!

So of course I planned to take Max. It took some time. With vacation week and other commitments it just wasn’t happening. I had hoped to get some rain during Max’s days off. We would then be able to do it but no such luck.

Anyway we finally went yesterday. It was around dinnertime so by then I was pretty hungry and I knew that Max would have to eat too. Generally when we go to the movies he wants popcorn with lots of that fake butter and blue drinks. My wife and I have found that after eating either of these things he acts out worse than usual so we don’t allow him to get them anymore.

Of course these were the first things he asked for. I said “no”. But unlike other times he didn’t fuss. I got him a hotdog and nachos with cheese. When we went to get our seats, as usual he grabbed the top two spots in the IMAX 3D theater. I wasn’t too thrilled because I not only had people in front of me but also an iron railing.

But all of this was forgotten when the lights went out and the movie started. Max and I put on our 3D glasses and got lost in it. Initially the action bothered me because it tends to rev him up. A lot of action brings out many of the symptoms of his Bipolar, Asperger’s, and ADHD. But as the movie continued I noticed he was completely engrossed and eventually so was I.

There were several things going on at once. There was all of the action which makes it a great guy film to share with your son. There was also the interaction between the macho Viking dad and his decidedly non-Viking son. It showed what could be good and bad in relationships and how to learn from mistakes.

Being wrapped up in the surround sound and the 3 dimensional action allowed us to share a lot of what was going on. Several times I reached over and squeezed Max’s arm to emphasize certain things that happened like when Dad expressed his love for his boy.

When the movie was over we shared a closeness that we don’t usually have. And yes the action did hype him up enough by the time we got home so that we didn’t think he was going to go to sleep on time but it all worked out in the end.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the movie. There is so much that I can learn from it. I look at my son and I see a lot of that boy. Both are different. Both have dads that have trouble appreciating that difference. Both want to be loved and accepted by their fathers. And often they don’t get what they need. And the dad would like them to be “normal”.

Max has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome. He cannot be forced into being a “regular” kid. But at the same time he needs the love and acceptance that any kid needs whether they are “normal” or not.

I’ve been calling him “Hiccup”, the name of the boy in the film. He likes it; hugs me every time I do it. He calls me “Hiccup” too. Hmm, I wonder if this means something.

Dads, experience this 3D movie with your sons. Moms, either push Dad to do it or do it yourself; there is a strong girl’s role in this too.

Let’s appreciate the differences our children have and let’s enjoy a movie that supports those differences.

I’ve posted a lot about my son’s addiction to buying things.  Give him a dollar and he wants to buy a jet.  If he gets 50 cents he uses it to get a fake tattoo.  If he can’t find what he wants he will still get something different rather than go some place else.

But if he cannot find anything that he likes or that he can afford his anxiety levels start to rise.  The longer it takes the more frustrated he becomes until he gets either the one thing he doesn’t like or he walks out of the store in anger.

This is where I learned to say “No”.  Whenever we go to a store all he hears is:

“No.”

“Not today.”

“Put it on your wish list.”

And it goes on and on the more things he sees that he wants to buy.  And frankly, I’ve told him that if he wants to get anything he will have to use his own money because I am not going to buy things just because he wants them.

There are exceptions to this rule.  If we go to a museum I will let him get something in the gift shop.  If we go to the golf range he can get an ice cream.  Let’s face it I do like buying things for him but I know he has to learn to not only take care of his money but he also has to learn not to buy so much.

On our recent trip to Battleship Cove I knew he would want to go to the gift shop so I made sure I had money for that stop.  Driving down all he talked about was a bedroll he wanted to get.  It had “USS Massachusetts” emblazoned on it and he expected it to be perfect to use instead of our sleeping bags.

But horror of horrors, when we got to the store they were out of bed rolls.  He had been dreaming about getting one since our last trip a year ago.  So now what?  When Max gets focused on something it is hard for him to change gears.  But luckily there were a lot of things to his liking.  He decided he wanted a t-shirt.  But not just any old shirt, he wanted the one with the skulls and cross bones all over it.

“Please Daddy, it’s only $25.00.”

Nope, not going to happen.  As I told him not only was the price over the budget but he could only get something that had to do the ships at the Cove.  Okay, he finally settled for a t-shirt with the “Lionfish” submarine stenciled on it.  Funny thing, it was an extra large; he is a small 9 year old.  The shirt won’t even fit me.

Later when we got home his mother asked him since it was so large would Daddy be wearing it.

“No Mommy, it’s too big for him!”  I take a medium, sometimes I can fit in a large.

“Then isn’t it too large for you?”

“No, of course not.  I’m going to wear it to bed.”  After he bought it he wore it the whole weekend around the ships.

I didn’t mind getting it for him even though it was so large.  He loved it and for $7.00 we couldn’t go wrong.   And since there was a little money left in the budget he was able to pick up a pair of dog tags to wear around his neck.

Very successful shopping trip!

My son Max is an “old soul”.  There are many different meanings for this term such as:

I don’t believe my son is one of these.  When people meet him, however, they get a sense he may be older than he is.  I believe this is because he thinks so himself.  He considers himself an adult trapped in a child’s body.

Because of this he believes that he should be able to converse with adults on an equal basis.  He should also be able to tell other adults, including his parents, what to do and when to do it.  This can be a cause for annoyance when he needs to be disciplined.

The one thing, however, that other people find initially cute but later can annoy them is the way that he assumes that he can automatically call them by their first names.  I first noticed it when I heard him being very personal with his Cub Scout den leader.  He wasn’t calling him “Mister ….”; it was just “Bob”.  Finding this a little disconcerting I pulled Bob aside and asked  him what he preferred.  It turns out he would rather “Mister” along with either his last or first name.  ”Mister Bob” works fine for him and he thanked me for asking.

Ever since then I will correct Max if he forgets the terms “Mr”, “Mrs”, “Ms”, or “Miss” when addressing adults.  For example, he always refers to his teacher as “Dana”.  I will respond with “Miss Dana”.  The first time I did it he told me that she was married and didn’t like “Miss”.  My answer was that he should then call her either “Mrs Dana” or “Ms Dana”.  I didn’t bother with the last name since all the teachers use their first names preceded by “Mr” or “Miss” in his school.

In a recent post I talked about a trip we made to Battleship Cove in Fall River, Massachusetts.  While there I noticed he was constantly referring to one of the dads as “Jack”.  When I mentioned it to the dad he said that Max had asked him if it was okay and he said yes, it didn’t bother him.  I smiled and shrugged; Jack didn’t know what he was in for.

For the next 12 hours Max was constantly insisting that “Jack” look at this or come over here or get him that or…  Literally every 2 minutes he was demanding something of Jack.

Shortly after our conversation I heard him calling another parent by her first name, “Barbara”.  Again, I asked her if this was okay and she told it me it was fine.  Several hours later she found me and told me it was bothering her that she had agreed to it.  No wonder, like with Jack, Barbara was hearing her first name being used constantly by this 9 year old boy.  She was finding it very disrespectful.  But she did not want to be called by her last name; “Ms Barbara” worked better for her.

Okay, from then on whenever Max called her or mentioned her name I would correct him by saying “Ms Barbara”.  At the same time Jack seemed to be ignoring him more and more when he would call him.   I started referring to him as “Mr Jack” from then on.  By the end of the trip my son was calling them both by their preferred methods.

I noticed two things as a result of this change:

When I was my son’s age there was a program on television about a young family.  After 45 years I can still “see” it in my head and I can “hear” their interactions.  One thing that struck me was that instead of calling their parents “Mom” and “Dad” they used their first names.  The first time I heard it I thought it was cool.  I tried referring to my parents by their first names but they stopped that very quickly.  They found it very disrespectful and I’ve never forgotten it.

I wasn’t doing it out of disrespect and I certainly don’t think Max is.  He has very few friends; most kids don’t know how to handle him when is showing asperger’s, bipolar, or adhd symptoms.  As a result he spends most of his time with adults: his teachers, counselors, advocate, therapist, and parents.  So not only does he have difficulty relating to other kids but he also ends up trying to treat adults as equals.

My little “old soul” is learning how to be respectful.  He is also learning how to play with other children his age.  This is because we are not only introducing him to more and more kids but his counselor is teaching him how to play with them.

Will he always be an “old soul”?  Only time will tell.

“Beep, beep, beep, beep…”

The sound of a truck backing up startled the couple out of sleep.  It was early morning and the sun was just coming up.  What was that?  Out of the bed they flew; almost falling down the stairs as they shouted for the kids.

Why all the commotion?  It dawned on them it was the trash truck coming down their street.  They had forgotten to put out the rubbish.  The reason for the upset was that the truck comes once every two weeks.  For a house with 2 adults and 3 children that can lead to a major backup if they miss it.

Now they are rushing around the house filling garbage bags as they go.  Their daughter stands strategically holding a bag open and Mom tosses bottles and cans from across the room into it.  She picks up an empty beer bottle and flips it into the air just as the youngest boy is crossing between them.  He gets hit on the arm, “Ow!”

Everyone stops to make sure he is okay before finishing up the job and rushing out the door.  They stare in horror as the truck passes their house without slowing down.  They never made it to the curb.

But it doesn’t stop there.  The young boy goes to school after bandaging up an arm that wasn’t even scratched.  Later on in the day his parents get a frantic call from the principal to get there as soon as possible.  They each leave work and arrive only to find two policeman hovering around their son preventing them from even getting near him.

Most families don’t come across an issue where a teacher has to report an incident like this but it happens all the time.  In a lot of states teachers, social workers, doctors, dentists, or anyone else who comes in regular contact with children and who has reason to believe one has been abused must call child protective services.  In Massachusetts they are called “mandatory reporters“.

It is a good thing but in cases such as the one depicted in the television show it can have a harrowing effect on innocent parents.  My wife and I went through that when our son Max was 4; he is 9 years old now.  He had been playing all day in the back yard.  When he got into the bath that night he started to scream.  He had a massive blister on the top of his right foot.  We had never seen anything like it and didn’t know how to treat it.  We made a “quick” trip to the emergency room.

After 6 hours we were told how to take care of it but in the mean time the doctor had called child services.  He believed we had actually burned Max’s foot and the blister was the result of second degree burns.  He allowed us to take our son home but he treated us like evil people.  He also warned us that we would be visited by a case worker.

Now we are worried.  Are we going to lose our son?  We called everyone we knew for help.  On the day the caseworker arrived we were a bundle of nerves.  What will they do?  Are they going to find out something that even we don’t know about?

The woman came in and sat at our table and talked to us.  She wanted to know what shoes Max was wearing that day.  She inspected them and we determined that they weren’t quite big enough for him.  How was it we didn’t notice?  Our anxiety levels rose even more.  She suggested the blister came from the stitching in the shoe after comparing it to his foot.

She then talked to Max.  Had he ever been burned?  He said yes.  Uh oh, when was this?  We didn’t know about that.  She asked him to show her how it happened.  Instead of taking her to the kitchen stove he brought her down into the basement.  Here he had a plastic toy stove that didn’t even have knobs to twist.  This is where he got burned.  She laughed and came back upstairs.

She informed us that she was closing the case because she was able to determine that there was no abuse.  But…it would stay active for a year and if there were any other reports it would be reopened.  Needless to say that was a long year for us.

Just like us we watched the family in the TV show become very anxious as they waited for their case worker.  The questions put them on edge because she asked each of them separately and, as it turned out, they all gave different answers.  Later after she left it got worse as they waited for her report.  When it was completed they found that they had been exonerated and could finally breathe easier.

Having a system like this is great for our kids.  The problem, as my wife mentioned to the caseworker, is that the families that are being dragged in are the good ones.  The others know how to hide the abuse.  This is not entirely true.  There are over 28,237 known abused children in Massachusetts alone.

None of us wants to see our kids hurt and this is one way to combat the problem.  Even if it means causing ulcers in some of us that have always tried to do the right thing.

He showed up in my office in a black suit and a red tie, “I’m ready to go Daddy.”

“Where are we going?”

“To the wake.”

I know there are Irish wakes and funeral processions in Louisiana that both celebrate life. They can be joyous occasions.  I grew up on the former and witnessed the latter once.  But in this area they tend to be morose affairs; catching up with people you haven’t seen in years while commiserating with the bereaved family.

My boy is too hyper and joyous to participate in one of these; an Irish wake maybe.  We reminded him that basketball is on Tuesdays and he would miss it if we went to this one.  We also mentioned that he wouldn’t know anyone there.  Yes, they were family but I had only seen my uncle once in the last 25 years.  And of course it would be dull; he would have more fun playing ball.

He was very conflicted.  He did not want to miss basketball but he believed he was obligated to be with family today.  I shrugged and told him to meet me in the car but as he went out the door he stopped.

“I changed my mind.  I’m going to play, ” and he went upstairs to change.

I followed after to say good bye but I found him sitting cross legged on the bed crying; he was still very torn.  By this time the suit was off and he was wearing only his shorts.  I suggested that if he wanted to go just grab his clothes and get dressed in the car.  In the end he decided to stay home but later my wife told me he cried for some time afterwards.

He had a blast playing ball.

This morning he came to me and asked, “How are you doing Dad?”

“What do you mean?”

“Was the wake okay?”

I smiled and hugged him, “I am fine.  Thank you for asking.  Do you know I am proud of you for wanting to be there.  Your Grandmother is very proud of you too.  You weren’t obligated to be there but everyone knows how you wanted to support her.”

That satisfied him and he ran off to get ready for school.  After he was gone I got dressed and headed off to the funeral home again.  Today was limited to a short service around the casket.  When I arrived I sat in the back of the room and thought about Max, about family, and about the people in this room.

I mentioned earlier that I had only seen my late uncle once in 25 years…at another funeral.  It has probably been more than 30 since I had seen his wife and kids.  I grew up with them; we played a lot; and I had slept over their house on several occasions.

But then we lost touch.  We had grown; and grown apart.  Some of them were now grandparents, like me.  I would hear a story here and there about what was happening.  These were few and far between.

I stared out at all of the people here.  I could recognize my cousins though they were 30 years older.  But who are they?  And those younger people behind them.  Of course, those are their children but look at them; I didn’t even know they existed and they are adults!  Max would love to meet his “new” cousins but I can’t even tell him anything about them.

While I was moving through the bereavement line one cousin told me it was great to see me again, though I had to introduce myself.  And he said let’s do this again but not in 30 years.  I agreed but I added that I’d rather it wasn’t under these circumstances.

But now I’m home and Max just got back from school.  I watch him and realize that if something isn’t done I will pull back into isolation as parents of kids with disorders tend to do.  Am I doing it because I don’t want anyone to know about his issues?  I don’t think so it is more like the same cousin said, “we get so involved with raising our kids we forget about the outside world.”

And it is even more so when Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Asperger’s, or any other disorder or disability affects our kids.  We get so involved in planning, doctors, ieps and schools, structure, explosions, medications, and the list goes on.  You know what?  This is just the way it is.  But in the process extended family and friends can get lost.  It takes so much extra effort to keep them together and a lot of times we just don’t have the energy.

“My wife says ‘of course I make mistakes’ all the time but try to pin her down to just one,” he shook his head morosely.  ”According to her I make all the mistakes and it’s her job to correct them.  And she doesn’t mind doing it in front of our kids.”

“I don’t know how long our relationship is going to last,” he finished.

I was at a parents’ support meeting last week when I met this gentleman.  He was telling me about the constant battles he and his wife have in front of their kids.  It was generally about the same thing: how they are disciplining their autistic child.  She uses screaming to get her point across; he is very strict.  Neither likes how the other acts in front of the children.

My wife and I have our ups and down.  Our son Max just turned 9.  He has been diagnosed with, among other things, asperger’s, bipolar disorder, and adhd.  It can be very stressful teaching him not only right from wrong but also following the rules when he is in his own little world.  Sometimes I have to take long walks to relieve the tension.

So it made me think about divorce statistics; so I did some quick research to find out:

• We’ve all heard that the divorce rate in the United States is at 50%.

• Did you know that the rate of divorce among parents with ADHD kids is 2 to 3 times higher than that?  This is up to the age of 8 and then afterwards drops to the regular rate.

• And the rate for parents of autistic children is supposed to be 80-85%.

But why are these rates so high?  As pointed out in the articles referenced above and certainly in my observation of my son it is not the child’s fault.  He is who he is.  The problem arises when we try to raise a child with a disorder.  The stress builds up as we search for successful tools to use once we find out that the standard ones don’t work.

And because this can be so stressful the upset can increase other marital problems.  Not only that, parents can feel isolated from the community.  I know my wife and I spend a lot more time at home with Max because we worry how he will act in groups.  When you aren’t with other parents who have the same issues you don’t know how to work through the problems.  As a result it can be even more difficult to stay in the relationship.

What happens when parents divorce ordinarily?  It is very stressful for children who have difficulty coming to terms with the situation and they can also blame themselves.  But with a lot of support from family and friends they can cope.

It is more extreme for kids with disorders.  If they, like Max, need a lot of structure in their lives this can affect them adversely.  If they, like Max, dwell on situations over and over again in their minds then this can be very disrupting.  It will be very difficult to keep them on track.  As one parent said, “your child has enough chaos and adversity already, without losing one parent entirely…”

No one ever said marriage was easy; having children can make it even harder.  Parents with children that have disorders or disabilities must work even harder to keep the marriage together, not just for themselves but for their children too.

I know there are changes that I can do to help in our situation.  For my friend in the support group I would recommend that he and his wife learn as much as they can about the results of raising an affected child.  And perhaps even go to therapy to work through the issues that they are having; if not for their sake then they should do it for their children.

It’s a part of every parent’s bad dreams.  You are out somewhere with your child when you get separated.  You hear a scream.  You rush to their defense.  The cause can be anything from falling to kidnapping.  Your heart beats faster and the adrenaline flows.  You stop thinking and you jump into action.

This happened to me yesterday.  My son Max and I had gone shopping for a birthday present for his Mom.  I warned him that he should get her something that she can actually use; not a toy that will just sit on a shelf.  Last year he bought her a Barbie doll.  I don’t even know where that went; I don’t think I’ve seen it since she unwrapped it.

Don’t get me wrong, he puts a lot of thought into his presents and they are wonderful.  He just hasn’t gotten the concept that an adult may want something that they can use rather than a child’s toy.

And as I thought would happen he directed me to a toy store.  Inside he found something he thought she’d like; it was a ring.  I convinced him to look at other things instead of choosing the first gift he finds.  Okay, so we wandered the store for 20 minutes and each item he found was more outlandish that the last.  We finally decided that the ring would be the best choice.  We bought it and headed out of the store.

When we were back in the car he asked if we could go over to the mall; they have a wind machine he wanted to show me.  Apparently it is like a wind tunnel; you stand inside and get blasted.  That was okay with me so we headed over.  We pulled into the lot and parked.  Max got out of the passenger side of the car; I got out of the driver’s side and locked the doors.  I turned to look for him but he never came around.  I heard a scream.

“Daddy, help I’m stuck!” he wailed.  I ran around to his side of the car.  His thumb was caught between the door and the frame.  Of course he couldn’t open the door; it was locked.  He screamed again!  I dropped the keys that were in my hand and started pulling everything out of my pocket.  I threw them on the ground.  You cannot use a key on that side of the car, only the remote.  I found it and got the door open.  Tears were streaming down Max’s face; this had to be bad, he never cries.

His thumb was black behind the nail.  Through the tears he said “I’m okay, I’m okay”.  This is code for “I really hurt but I’m not going to tell you and look like a baby”, he is, of course, 8 years old…soon to be 9.

“Please Daddy, can we just go home?”  Of course we can.  I packed him into the car and headed out.  He kept whimpering and wailing.  As a parent you know that I am very shaken about what has happened.  Later that night when I told the story to a friend he asked if this sort of thing happens often.  That is, does Max get distracted a lot resulting in hurts like this.  No, even though he tends to be a daredevil this is the first time it has ever happened.

I couldn’t wait to get him home and he kept asking for his Mommy.  I don’t like using the phone when I am driving but I knew she was doing errands.  I didn’t want to get home and find she was still out.  I called over and over but she had the phone shut off for awhile.  I finally got hold of her and suggested she be home when we get there and I told her why.

“Daddy, am I going to lose my thumb?”  I told him that that wouldn’t happen; he wanted to know how I knew.  Well, it is because it happened to me too.

“How old were you?”  I was his age.  This seemed to bother him more, “It hurts so bad!”  I told him we’d give him “Children’s Advil” when we get.  “Is that all?”  And maybe an ice pack too.

When we arrived home he got his medicine and within 15 minutes he was ready to go out and play.  He didn’t have the best night; he was up several times.  This morning he showed me his thumb; the nail was black and yellow but he seemed to be okay.  My wife is worried that it might get infected.  I know we not only have to look for that but we also have to watch for the nail falling off.

He initially swore he would never get into a car again but he later compromised by saying that he just would never close the door ever.  That is okay with me; I don’t ever want to hear that cry again.

This morning the school nurse called; she doesn’t think Max’s thumb looks too bad but she wants us to call his doctor.  She has two reasons:

• Some pediatricians want their kids on antibiotics as a preventative measure for infection.

• Others like to drill a small hole into the nail to relieve the pressure.

Max’s doctor doesn’t believe in prescribing antibiotics for this.  He does suggest, however, that if the swelling looks bad to bring him in to be checked out.  The doctor won’t drill the hole if he believes it is warranted; we will have to bring Max to a hospital emergency room to do this.

When Max got home from school we checked his thumb.  Though it looked bad it turns out it is only bruised.  He is not interested in seeing the doctor he has too many projects to do this afternoon.  He even suggested as he got off the bus that the two of us check out that wind machine.  It still bothers him and if it gets any worse we will take him to the doctor but for now we’ll be giving him some loving care.

Yes, even this is part of being a good parent.  Not just the good stuff.  Not just the discipline stuff.  But also the hurt stuff.  I guess I’m going to have to get used to it.