Posts tagged ‘Relationships’

My son Max and I had just spent a wonderful day in Maine. We headed home at 6:30 p.m. We were tired and I was hungry. Max had had a hot dog and ice cream with the boys he had been playing with.

It was a beautiful evening and there were not too many cars on the highway.

Once, we had to swerve passed the rubber from a semi truck tire that was lying on the road. Max wanted to know why it was there and I told him the truck had probably gotten a flat and the rubber just blew off. We continued to discuss it a little more as we drove.

We stopped to pay the toll in New Hampshire and continued on our way down Route 95. But almost immediately after the toll booth the car started to vibrate. I didn’t like this; I had borrowed the car for the day since mine was in the shop. I now figured our first stop would be at the mechanic’s to find out what the problem was.

Max later told me that what happened next sounded like someone was shooting at us. The right front tire blew in a cloud of smoke. I had to use every ounce of strength to keep from losing control of the car. I was slowly able to guide the car into the breakdown lane on the right hand side. As we came to a stop I looked into the rear view mirror and saw a lot of the tire in pieces flying in between the cars coming down the road.

We got out of the car to inspect the damages. As I expected, the tire was blown out. But what surprised both of us was that part of the bumper had been ripped off as well. We were looking at a hole directly into the engine.

I didn’t waste any time calling AAA to get a tow truck. As I talked to the girl on the phone she sounded horrified at what had happened especially knowing that my 9 year old son had been in the back seat. She promised to get a truck out as quickly as possible.

A few minutes later a state trooper pulled over to see if we were okay. After I informed him that a tow truck was on the way he left after promising he would check back to make sure we were able to get away.

To stay out of danger Max and I moved over to a grassy bank that ran along the highway. We sat down, Max with his legs crossed and feet on his thighs and I with mine stretched out. We waited with his head on my arm and we watched the traffic flying by. Yes, once we were stopped the number of cars seemed to get a lot heavier.

And now we waited. It wasn’t so bad. It was a beautiful evening and the sun was still shining. There was a country smell in the air and it was so relaxing sitting on the grass. Eventually however the spell was broken when the truck arrived.

The driver pulled over in front of us and we went to meet him. He looked over the damages and then asked if we had a spare. I didn’t know since we had borrowed the car that morning. We pulled open the trunk and checked. Low and behold, underneath a lot of junk was one of those new tiny “donut” tires. He told me he could change the tire or tow the car.

I was still shaken from the blow out and there was no way I wanted to drive the car again that night with Max in the car so I requested that he tow it. My son was excited; this meant that he would be sitting in the cab. Once the car was loaded up in we got.

Max was in heaven. Here we were driving down the road in a truck! And if he looked behind us he could see the car sitting on the flat bed. For 45 minutes we laughed and joked with the driver before being dropped off at my mechanics’. This certainly wasn’t the way I had planned on getting the car in but it least it was there.

Max has been calling our road trip an unexpected adventure. Yes, the “gunshots” frightened him but he was comforted knowing that Dad, the tow truck driver, and AAA were keeping him safe.

And, despite what could have happened, this was a great day. Max and I just did some father and son stuff. We ended up being away from home for almost 12 hours. Not once did either one of us have to worry about ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, ODD, or even the sensory issues.

This was our day. The car problems didn’t ruin it. Nothing did. Give me more days like this!

The young woman turned to me and said “Isn’t it nice that kids can meet other kids at a park and know within 5 minutes whether they get along. And then they can play all day together and at the end of the day leave and never see each other again…and not worry about it.”

I agreed with her but inwardly I was amazed; my son never meets other kids and plays like this. He will either just play with me or he’ll drag me by the hand to a group of kids and beg me to talk to them to see if they can play together. Today was different.

We are in the middle of vacation week. Max and I had decided to spend the day at one of our favorite spots. It is a fort dating from World War II in Kittery Maine. Called Fort Foster it consists of several old buildings, a playground, hiking trails, beach, and plenty of barbeque pits.

We followed our standard procedure. The two of us drove up to Maine and got off at Exit 2. At the Kittery rotary is a great hot dog place. We always stop for an early lunch. From there we drive up to the fort. During the summer we can park on the grounds but until then we have to leave the car at the gate and then walk a quarter of a mile.

Generally he gets hyper focused on one spot. For example, he might want to just collect shells on the shore for hours. Or he may concentrate on exploring the buildings. We have done a lot of hiking there. And sometimes he will just play in the playground.

Today, even though it was a cold April morning he already had his bathing suit on. Our first stop was the beach. He threw off his sandals and ran into the water. Next thing I knew, he was dancing on top of the waves it was so icy. He decided that it was a playground day.

When he got there he noticed 3 boys his age playing on the merry-go-round. One boy was doing the spinning while the other two sat on it and held on. Max asked me if he could join them. I shrugged my shoulders and told him it was up to them. He ran and began to help them spin.

This led to nonstop fun for the day. I followed at a distance to make sure Max didn’t have one of his explosions. In the process I met the other boys’ Mom. When she made the comment about the kids and parks I agreed but not only was I amazed that he was playing with them I was a little jealous.

This has always been our trip. We would run through the water, hike the trails, climb the buildings. Don’t get me wrong, I know that he must grow up and learn to make friends and I am glad this is working out for him. But I am still missing “our trip”.

But to get back to Max. He played with the boys until about 4 pm when we all decided to move on to Dairy Queen for hot dogs and ice cream. We then finished off the day at a school playground before heading home. He hasn’t mentioned the boys at all since. It has been a week since we were there.

And this wasn’t a fluke. The next afternoon Max and I spent 4 hours at a skateboard park where he met another skater. This also is new. He may ask older boys for skating advice but he never talks to kids his age. The two spent the whole time together; even moving on to the playground next door when they got bored. When the day was over they said good bye and moved on. I’m not sure if Max even knows his friend’s name.

That was Wednesday. Thursday we went to the skateboard park again where Max met another boy. Within minutes he decided he wasn’t interested and proceeded to play by himself.

The mom in Maine was right. Not only had Max been able to “size up” other boys he was interested in playing with but he has been able to move on without wondering whether he would ever see these kids again.

However, late Friday evening he was over his grandparents’ house when he met their friend’s grandson. Max became obsessed with playing with him. He had already had two meltdowns Saturday morning when he found the other boy wasn’t available to get together with him at different times. And he was very hyper and had to be spoken to more than once when he did finally get to play with him.

So even though he is expanding his horizons I still have to keep watch to make sure that something doesn’t happen to ruin the day. I initially wrote this post on Saturday; he was scheduled to sleep over his new friend’s house that night. I waiting with bated breath to see how it turned out.

I can see that as he learns to make new temporary and permanent friends there are going to be set backs. As a parent I am going to have to learn to go with the flow and help him adjust.

It has been a mixed bag of a day today. It has had its ups and downs and we have a long way to go before it is over. It started out like any other Thursday. We got Max off to school and then I went over to my mother’s house. Every Thursday I do the work that she needs to have done. I washed the shingles on the roof; there has been a lot of mold this year. I also trimmed back her bushes. Then after that it was time for a road trip.

Several weeks ago I put up a guest post from my friend Rich Mountain regarding an organization called suitcases4kids. Its goal is to replace the garbage bags that kids in foster care use to move their belongings with suitcases. Ever since I told her about it Mom has been searching out and giving me 3 or 4 suitcases a week to give to the charity. Today when I arrived she handed me 2 but then she wanted to stop at a couple of places where she has had good luck finding them.

We found 1 suitcase at our first stop but then saw a beautiful one at the second. As we entered the place a gold Mercedes Benz pulled in behind our car. A fiftyish man got out dressed in expensive clothes. He was wearing a tight v-neck jersey with black chest hair pouring out and gold chains around his neck. He followed us inside.

This is an interesting place. Residents of this town drop of items that are in good condition that they don’t need anymore. If they or someone else sees something they like they can just take it. There is no rhyme or reason to the place. People drop their things anywhere they find a space so as a result rather than having a clear path to move through quite often we have to step over things to get to another spot.

Mom has had good luck finding suitcases here. She has a system; move through the place once to see if she finds anything she wants. Once she completes her first circuit anything she has picked up she hands off to a companion, me in this case. She then makes a second run because she finds that she always misses things the first time. Depending on her mood she may make several more trips after this.

It was during the second pass that I saw the beautiful suitcase; some child would love this. As I moved towards it suddenly out of nowhere appeared that gentleman who had also discovered it. He scooped it up before I got there and examined it to see if it was in good condition. I was amused that he was even interested in it; even more so when I found out that he was going to sell it in a yard sale. When I approached him and suggested he donate it to the kids he shrugged me off; apparently the money was more important. No matter, Mom had found 3 so far this week for me.

When we were done I dropped my mother off at her house and headed home. My wife was waiting for me at the door; she was unhappy. She had been sick for some time and had finally been able to see her doctor. After he tested her he gave her some not so good news. He said that she had parasites, a yeast infection, and a tape worm; he prescribed some medicines for her. He also suggested she stop eating wheat because of all the gluten and chocolate because of the sugar. He said that she was feeding the parasites, the yeast, and the worm.

She won’t have much of an issue cutting out wheat; she has been slowly working on doing that for some time now. It is the chocolate she will have a problem with. As she puts it, she’s been eating it since she was a baby. She calls it her addiction. I believe it; I have seen her kneeling on the floor in store candy aisles pulling bags of candy off the bottom shelf just so she can find the ones that she loves. We will be working on this one for awhile.

And guess what? Max got home from school on time but then had a meltdown. Why? He didn’t know; he just knew that he was upset. I convinced him to sit quietly on the couch until he could get it together. When he recovered we told him he could have his best friend over. This was a big deal; they haven’t been together for 3 weeks. Separating them started out as loss of privilege, or punishment, or whatever you want to call it. Max had taken issue with something his friend had said and started hitting him. We took Bobby home and told my son that he couldn’t play with him for a few days.

But when we gave Max back the privilege of seeing his friend, Bobby had disappeared. Turns out he and his mom went on vacation and when they got back she was very sick so we weren’t able to communicate with them. 3 weeks later the boys are back together and as I write they are having a ball. They are dividing their time between playing indoors and outside. It’s about to rain so I expect they’ll be camping out soon in front of my office door.

Even though the day is far from over it has certainly been a mixed day of successes and upsets. I’m hoping for a quiet relaxing evening tonight. Oh wait, probably not. The “So You Think You Can Dance” result show is on tonight and I know my wife will be terribly upset at whoever is cut. It has been whittled down to 4 girls and 4 boys and unfortunately my wife loves all of them.

Did I say I was hoping for a relaxing evening?

I went to see my therapist this morning.  First thing he said was, “what do you mean you have a problem with communication?”  Not communication in general; conversation with my wife.  I do much better with my son who is 8.

For example, Tuesday this week was horrendous.  I went swimming with Max and his buddy; after that we went to dinner.  I’ve mentioned in previous posts how both of these boys are opposites.  In this case, Max and I were finished dinner in a half an hour. His buddy, on the other hand, took over an hour to eat the same amount; but was then ready for dessert.  Max doesn’t do well in situations that take so much time like this.  He started to escalate.

When the other boy went to get his dessert I leaned over to him and said, “I find it much nicer when it is just the two of us coming to dinner.”

“Me too!!” he responded.

It still took another 20 minutes to get out of there and get his friend home.  Unfortunately Max had escalated too far by then.  When we got home his mom was out at a class.  It should have been a relaxing evening before bed, watching a little television but he was bouncing off the walls, ignoring direction, and getting into things.  He had also shut off his listening skills.

I was built up too and I finally exploded.  I yelled at him, sending him into the living room onto the couch.  I followed him and spoke to him about the situation.  He said he understood but he continued.  I screamed again.  This time he ran to his bedroom and jumped into bed.  He was going to sleep; he didn’t want to be read to tonight. He just wanted to be alone.

I went downstairs to cool off.  As I thought about what happened I realized that everything that had gone on that day had escalated me, not just Max.  I went upstairs to apologize.  I told him I wasn’t angry with him; just frustrated about everything that day.  He said it was okay but he still wanted to go to sleep.  I then left him alone and went downstairs again.

My therapist smiled.  He told me I had resolved the situation very well with Max.  But that isn’t the problem.  There were a lot of other issues that came up for me about this but right now I wanted to talk about communication.  As I said to him, if Max and I have an issue we are able to sit down almost immediately afterwards and sort it out.

The problem comes in if I have an argument with my wife.  I am not able to break away, calm down, and think about the situation.  As a result I cannot go back to her later, like I do with Max, and make amends.  If we try to discuss what happened we both escalate again.  Our standard practice is to ignore the situation and let it go away.  I would love to do it the way Max and I do: get it resolved as quickly as possible.

Why can’t I do the same thing with my wife?  If you had asked me this question several years ago my answer would be, “I don’t know how, it’s her fault!”  But really, I do know that I am at least 50 percent at fault here.  I just don’t want to deal with all the stuff she is going to throw at me before it is over.

I have finally realized that because it hasn’t gotten resolved my wife has been storing it in the back of her mind.  And considering how quick to anger I am I must do the same thing.

The simplistic answer is just to sit down, talk about it, and get over it.  This has never worked for us.  One doctor told us to “just stop it”.  How?

I have no answers to this question.  I am going to continue working on this until I do.  If you have some answers I would love to hear them.

I’m ticked off right now!  I had planned on a different post for today but one event has pushed that off until next week.

I stopped at my Mother’s house this morning only to find her crying.  Apparently one of my siblings got it into their head to tell her all the bad things she had done to raise us.  Now they were terribly screwed up because of her!

Let’s stop here for a moment.  Think about your parents.  Were they good parents?  Were they perfect?  I bet each one of you can point out one or two flaws they might have.  Would you turn on them because of these issues?

Is my mom perfect?  Not by a long shot.  Has she done some unforgivable things?  Well, there were a couple of things that it took a few years for me to get over.  But here’s the thing, my siblings and I are between 44 and 55 years old.  We are adults.  If something she did made us turn out badly, guess what, we have the power to fix it ourselves.  Sitting her down and yelling at her for what she did is not going to change who we are!

I said that there were things that she had done to me that I found unforgivable.  After reading tons of self help books and being angry inside for what she had done I had a breakthrough.  Basically what it come down to is this: We have a choice!  We can decide whether we want our keep parents or do it alone or even find someone else to parent us.

But you’ll say they birthed me or they adopted me.  That’s right but you can still walk away from them if you want.  You have the power to choose!  Not only that, you have the power to change yourself if you don’t want to be the person they made you.  Cut the belly aching!

My mother is in her 80s.  She has always believed she was a good mom and my dad worked hard at being a good dad and good provider.  He worked 3 and 4 jobs while we were growing and was home for us as often as he could.  My mom stayed home to raise their 5 children and 2 that belonged to relatives.  When the oldest went off to college she went back to work to help support us.

They weren’t screamers.  They didn’t beat us.  They taught us right from wrong and how to survive in the world.  My mom is a grandparent and a great grandparent.  All the kids turned out great.  What more could my parents have done?  Sure they made mistakes, who doesn’t?  Sure we got hurt sometimes by something they did but we should be able to get passed it.

I choose my parents.  They are not yours, they are no one else’s.  I won’t trade them.  I struggle every day to be as good a parent as they were.

Before I posted this a friend of mine read it.  She shook her head as she told me some people go into therapy for years as a result of what their parents did to them.  Sometimes the only way they can get passed it is to confront them.  We agreed, however, that there is a right way and a wrong way to do it.  Will beating them down really make you feel better?

I haven’t forgotten that some people were abused or even sexually abused by their parents.  I once took part in a self help weekend with a lot of men.  I went in angry about what my parents had done to me.  Frankly, as I listened to the things some of them had gone through growing up it made me realize that my parents were not as bad as I thought.  When I left that weekend I visited my dad’s gravesite for the first time since he died nine years before.  I sat down with my mom and told her that whatever the biological connection I had with her, I was choosing her to be my mother.

Where are you at with your parents?

Some of my siblings don’t seem to be at the same place I am right now.  Somehow I have to show them that hurting mom is not going to improve their lives!  I think they need to make amends with her and themselves and do it soon, she is in her 80s after all.