What is a grudge?   The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as “a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.”   To me it is either not knowing how to or an unwillingness to communicate.

“But,” someone will respond “what they did was unforgivable. It is up to them to apologize first and then we can discuss it.” Of course the other person believes this one should apologize. And there it continues.

It is bad enough if neighbors or friends have a disagreement that splits them up but it can be worse for families.

My mother has 3 brothers. In 1956 the younger 2 went on a trip together. They were far away from civilization when something happened. I have no idea what it was. I don’t know who did what to whom. What I know is that they came back from the trip separately and didn’t speak for 20 years! This was probably difficult since their mother lived with the younger brother so at all the holidays the other brother would go to the house to spend time with her. It was decidedly chilly in there at those times.

In 1976 they patched up their difficulties and became friends but things weren’t all right with the world; 5 years later something else separated them again and this time the older brother got into the act and cut off the younger one as well. In both situations the rest of the family just shook our heads and continued on with each other. I still played with all my cousins from both sides of the rift. I just thought the whole problem was silly.

However, things like this can escalate so that the whole family is affected. As my grandmother got older my mother would help her younger brother take care of her; these were the only 2 out of 5 siblings that did. This didn’t cause a problem with anyone but the result would.

In 1959 my grandmother bought a piece of land for her younger son. He built a house on it and moved her into it. Later he added more buildings and started a company. By 1990 it was worth millions of dollars because of the sweat and hard work he put into it. The problem was that the land was still in his mother’s name and as a result the 2 older brothers were salivating, imagining all the money they would inherit when she died.

But sometime in the early 1990s my mother asked her what she was going to do with the property. My grandmother was surprised at the question; as far as she was concerned it belonged to her younger son. He was the one who built the house; he was the one that started the company; he was the one that did all the work. My mother suggested that she transfer the deed to him otherwise it would all get sold and the proceeds would be split among all 5 kids.

That was not what she wanted; as far as she was concerned she had already given her boys their inheritances back in 1959 when her husband died. The older boy got a house; the middle boy got money, and the land was her youngest boy’s.

When the older sons found out that she had signed over the property they were livid. Not only did they disown their brother but they also did it to my mother. They believed that in return for a big chunk of money that she had gotten their mother to “steal” their inheritance. Mom didn’t get a dime; she wasn’t looking for money; she wanted to do what was right. For that she lost 2 of her brothers.

Not only that the men poisoned the kids against us too. It took awhile but we are friends again with the eldest brother’s kids but we haven’t seen the middle brother’s in years. It’s sad.

And there are a lot of other examples too. Like when I was growing up my neighbors disowned their oldest son for marrying a girl they didn’t like. He went off, made millions, and has a great family. Their youngest boy didn’t do so well, is divorced, screams at his mother constantly, and loafs around their home…and he is in his late fifties.

It seems like most grudges are over stupid things. This post was prompted by a television program where two of the characters hadn’t spoken for years. And neither one of them remembered why they were angry with each other.

Is there such a thing as a “legitimate” grudge? I can’t think of one. It seems to me if people sit down immediately to discuss the issue that even though there might be some short term pain it is cleared up. On the other hand, a grudge causes long term pain and misery with no benefits.

What do you think?